


I dubb thee Unforgiven

by deandeandean



Category: Supernatural
Genre: Abusive John Winchester, Angst with a Happy Ending, Attempted Rape/Non-Con, Bottom Dean Winchester, Castiel and Dean Winchester Have a Profound Bond, Castiel's Angelic Grace (Supernatural), Cliffhangers, Dean Winchester Has Self-Worth Issues, Destiel - Freeform, Dom/sub Undertones, Grace Sex, Graphic Rape, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, Kidnapping, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, Mark of Cain (Supernatural), Minor Character Death, Non-Consensual Drug Use, Non-Consensual Touching, Oblivious Sam Winchester, Past Abuse, Past Rape/Non-con, Pining Castiel (Supernatural), Pining Crowley (Supernatural), Pining Dean Winchester, Protective Benny Lafitte, Protective Castiel (Supernatural), Protective Crowley, Protective Dean Winchester, Rape, Resurrected Dean Winchester, Resurrected John Winchester, Self-Sacrificing Dean Winchester, Temporary Character Death, Top Castiel/Bottom Dean Winchester, Torture, Violence, dominant cas
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-23
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-28 18:02:07
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 41
Words: 84,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23271406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/deandeandean/pseuds/deandeandean
Summary: “Dad, I can’t believe it!”  Sam said as he grabbed John in a hug.  John hugged him back but over Sam’s shoulder was watching with narrowed eyes as Dean faltered in his shock and wobbled but found himself caught by Cas who wrapped an arm around Dean’s waist from behind to steady him and give him comfort.Sam pulled away and Dean stepped forward unsure what to do.  Did he hug his dad?  Play it cool?Run for his life?John comes back to life just as Dean and Cas admit their feelings and agree to try a relationship.    Forces try to drive them apart as new and old enemies come after Dean.  Will Dean finally be able to stand up to his father and stop the abuse?  Will he and Cas be able to salvage their relationship with others trying to tear them apart?Timeline for this is a sort of mashup between season 8 and season 9 (purgatory, Abaddon, MOC).  The angels did not fall, the trials and Gadreel never happened but Crowley and Abaddon are still in competition for hell.Tags and characters to be added.  Like most of my stories, this is a dark fic with a very dark John and Dean suffers.  Underage is for references to past abuse.
Relationships: Benny Lafitte & Dean Winchester, Castiel/Dean Winchester, Crowley (Supernatural) & Dean Winchester, Dean Winchester & Sam Winchester, Dean Winchester/John Winchester, Death & Dean Winchester
Comments: 764
Kudos: 820





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hi everyone, I know the chapter was a little short. I have about 70% of the story written. Kudos and comments will definitely make me write faster but for now I am anticipating a weekly posting schedule, not as quick as I usually post. 
> 
> Thank you to KatG for beta'ing what I have written so far. I appreciate her taking the time away from her own amazing writing to help. 
> 
> Again, this is a dark story. Dean will go through some very difficult things.
> 
> Link for Art Post on AO3
> 
> [art post for I Dubb Thee Unforgiven](https://archiveofourown.org/works/27146755)

Dean sat on the bed half turned with one leg bent. His heart was pounding, his stomach twisting in knots and a light sheen of sweat dotted his skin. Was this really happening? Was he, Dean Winchester, the person life most liked to dump on, actually getting his heart’s desire? Forcing himself to calm down he repeated the question and waited anxiously for the response.

“Do you really want to try this?” Dean asked his voice laden with hesitation and hope. Geez he was such a chick sometimes Dean thought mentally rolling his eyes at himself.

“I would very much like that Dean.” Cas replied, staring deep into Dean’s eyes. Cas was sitting almost mirror image to Dean on the bed so that their bent legs touched. 

“And it's not against any rules or something?” Dean asked again needing to be sure.

“Dean, I fell from heaven, what do their rules matter to me, to us?” Cas answered as he reached up and cupped Dean’s jaw. 

“Okay… well. Awesome..” Dean fumbled out cursing himself for being so nervous while simultaneously leaning into the angel’s touch. 

Cas just smiled and leaned forward and placed his lips against Dean’s gently at first and at the sound of Dean’s involuntary moan the lips became more rough and they both exploded, seeking to taste and nip and lick. All those years of pent up feelings bursting out at the first touch of their lips to each other’s. 

After a few minutes of kissing they pulled away from each other and Dean looked at Cas with a dopey grin on his face. “That was uh, wow Cas. Where’d you learn to kiss like that?” 

“Pizza man.” Castiel replied without hesitation.

Dean frowned at the memory of Castiel kissing Meg, but pushed it aside. He didn’t want to ruin this moment with self doubts or petty jealousy. Cas and Dean after getting back from purgatory had finally admitted their feelings for one another and just agreed to try to make a relationship work.

‘I would like to go slow.” Cas said smiling softly at Dean and caressing his jaw. “Is that okay with you Dean?” 

“Ah, yeah. Of course Cas.” Dean said a little relieved himself. Aside from Lisa and Cassie, Dean didn’t really have experience with being in a relationship, and both of those had ended very badly. Dean wanted this to be it for him so taking it slow was fine. Yeah Dean would like nothing more than to jump into bed with Cas, having fantasized about the angel since the day he met him, but he was willing to wait. Cas was worth it. 

“So, we’ll ah.. just kind of date?” Dean said in question.

“I think that would be best for now.” Cas answered smiling again when Dean grabbed Cas’ other hand and gripped it tight.

“Will you still be participating in your bar hunting?” Cas asked, his eyes narrowing at the thought.

“No, god no.” Dean answered quickly. “No matter how long it takes us to get from A to B I won’t be with anyone else. I promise.” Dean vowed and it really wouldn’t be a hardship for him. He hadn’t been with anyone in a while as he was too afraid of how the trauma of purgatory would play out and after searching for so long for Cas and finally finding him he had no desire to be with anyone else. 

Dean smiled as Cas tilted his head in confusion at the A to be B statement but it seemed like he figured it out and Dean was rewarded with a huge gummy smile that made Dean’s heart flutter. 

They sat on the bed just staring into each others eyes for an unknown amount of time before they were interrupted by a harsh knocking at the door. 

“What the hell.” Dean muttered at the interruption. Sam was next door and would have come through the connecting room door and not the motel door so who in the world could that be?

Dean got up pulling his gun from behind his back out and approached the door as another series of loud knocks echoed through the room. Not taking his eyes off the door Dean saw Sam approach from his left with his gun also raised. 

“Who is it?” Dean asked and they were met with silence. At a nod from Sam, Dean swung the door open and he froze in shock at the person standing there getting ready to pound on the door again.

Dad?


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi just another chapter since the first was so short. Nothing super triggering this chapter but please see end for triggers. 
> 
> Please leave kudos of comments if you like the story. 
> 
> Again, special thanks to KatG for beta'ing.

Sam and Dean both kept their guns trained on their dad or the monster impersonating him. Dean looked at Cas who had come up behind Dean at his exclamation.

“Cas?” Dean asked.

Cas tilted his head a moment looking at John intensely and said simply. “This is your father. He is human.”

John’s gaze snapped to Cas when he spoke a dark questioning look in his eyes.

“Dad, I can’t believe it!” Sam said as he grabbed John in a hug. John hugged him back but over Sam’s shoulder was watching with narrowed eyes as Dean faltered in his shock and wobbled but found himself caught by Cas who wrapped an arm around Dean’s waist from behind to steady him and give him comfort.

Sam pulled away and Dean stepped forward unsure what to do. _Did he hug his dad? Play it cool?_

_Run for his life?_

John took the decision out of Dean’s hands when he grabbed Dean pulling him into a too tight hug. Dean hesitated for a minute but noticing the goofy happy grin on Sam’s face, put his arms around his dad and patted his back pulling away as soon as possible. John smirked at Dean’s obvious discomfort, the look only noticed by Dean.

Dean’s skin felt slimy and gross and he wanted to jump in the shower. _“This can’t be happening, this can’t be real.”_ Dean kept repeating to himself watching as if from afar as Sam pushed his dad into a chair and started firing questions at John about how he is alive, how he got here, who resurrected him.

Dean watched warily as John kept saying. “I don’t know. I just found myself in front of his motel, saw the Impala in front of the door and the salt line on the windowsill and knew it was your room.” John explained, his smile genuine as he looked at Sam.

“Sam my boy. You grew up.” John said. “You’re so big, you’re bigger than me now.” John said with a chuckle and Sam blushed with pleasure.

“Dean you’re looking good.” John said, turning his attention to Dean who was sitting on the bed across from the table and Cas was standing next to him. _“No, no, no. I’m old and scarred and don’t look good.”_ Dean thought frantically to himself but somehow managed a small nod.

“Would you like to tell me why you just let me in and didn’t perform any tests. Kinda a rookie mistake, Dean. Not to mention you would have put Sam in danger if I had been some kind of monster.” John said conversationally but Dean recognized the glint of steel in John’s eyes at the question and he gulped his hands starting to shake a bit with nerves.

Cas frowned down at Dean and placed his hand on Dean’s shoulder and Dean leaned into the touch before he could stop himself. John eyes turned cold and calculating as he took in the gestures and with his eyes never leaving Dean’s asked. “And who is this?”

_“You are not a kid anymore. Get a grip. You’re one of the best hunters in the world. You have no business quaking in your boots at a simple question from your not so dead father.”_ Dean lectured himself. Taking a deep breath Dean stood up disengaging Cas’ hand. “Dad, this is Castiel. He said you were you so there was no need for tests.” Dean explained waving a hand at Cas.

“And how would he know?” John asked again his gaze moving to Castiel and taking in the angel.

“Cas is an angel.” Sam said with a smile.

John turned to look at Sam disbelief stamped across his face.,“Really?”

Sam said, ‘Cool huh?”

“Angels aren’t real.” John said turning his gaze back to Cas and tensing as if he was going to attack.

Cas just regarding John calmly. “That’s exactly what Dean said when he first met me, but I assure you I am.”

“Yeah dad. Cas is the real thing. Wings, harp, halo.” Dean said smiling at his joke trying to ease the tension.

“Dean, I don’t have a harp or a halo.” Cas said in all seriousness causing John to frown.

“I know babe, I’m joking.” Dean said forgetting himself for a minute.

“Babe?” John spat out.

Dean blushed beet red and Sam snorted in amusement. Cas just looked back at Dean with a soft look on his face.

Dean could see John getting ready to say or do something so he quickly turned to Cas. “Are you able to see if anyone from heaven knows about this?” Dean asked, refusing to look at John but he could feel his gaze bore into him.

“Of course.” Castiel said and got ready to leave but Dean had a brief moment of panic and grabbed his sleeve. “Only if it's safe okay?” Dean added.

Castiel nodded and Dean let go and Cas disappeared causing John to gasp in surprise.

“Don’t worry, you get used to it.” Sam said.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers include Dean alluding to past abuse.


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you all are staying healthy. 
> 
> There are triggers in this chapter, please see end for notes. 
> 
> I may or may not post another chapter later on, if not maybe mid week. I rewrote some of this chapter, and I am really not a writer so I apologize for any mistakes. 
> 
> Also, I cannot express how happy all the kudos and comments have made me. I am thrilled so many people are liking the beginning of the story and I hope I can keep you all interested through the end. But again, I sincerely appreciate the response.

John was obviously exhausted and it was late so they all decided to get some rest before they filled in their dad about their lives. Dean tossed and turned most of the night barely sleeping. He should have known something bad would happen when he was on the verge of being happy for once Dean groused to himself but then immediately felt guilty because no matter how horrible John was, he was still his dad. Dean should be glad that he was alive, but all he could feel was fear. 

Dean thought about all the times he had failed and all the times Sam had been killed or hurt, and when John found out it was going to be bad, really, really bad. 

Dean thought for a second about coming clean to Sam, but Sam had been so happy to see John. Sam had come to terms with how John had raised them since his death, especially after finding out that he would never have had a normal life no matter what John did or didn’t do differently. Dean couldn’t take that away from Sam. He had protected and shielded Sam his whole life from the kind of person John really was and he wasn’t going to quit doing that now. Dean would just have to cope. Besides, he was all grown up now, things were sure to be different. 

Dean continued to toss and turn wishing Cas was here. Since purgatory Cas was around most nights and Dean always slept better with the angel next to him or even just in the room. After finally falling asleep in the early morning hours, Dean was awoken by the sound of the Impala rumbling to life. 

_“What the hell?”_ Dean thought and looked at the time. “Oh shit, it was almost 9 o’clock.” Dean swiftly got out of bed and saw a note on the table. Sam had gone to meet with the sheriff as they had planned. He said he didn’t want to wake Dean or John and he would be back in a few hours. 

Just great, now Dean had to be alone with John. After a peek in the other room, John was still sleeping so Dean took a shower and dressed and was just getting ready to sit down to do some research when John came into the room. His dark eyes raked up and down Dean’s body making him feel dirty. 

“Did you sleep okay?” Dean asked, plastering a smile on his face and as he walked over to the coffee pot to pour John a cup. 

“So Sam is out doing interviews while you’re lounging around?” John asked, disappointment and a hint of disgust in his tone.

“Um yeah I guess, he left without waking me. He’ll be back in a bit, and I have some research to do here.” Dean replied feeling like a little kid being scolded and he didn’t like it. 

After a few beats of heavy silence which had Dean starting to tense expecting to be hit, John just set his coffee cup down and asked “Do you still have my journal?” 

“Of course, I’ve been adding to it over the years. I’ll get it.” Dean said turning and walking over to the spare bed rummaging around his duffel. Dean stiffened as John walked up behind Dean putting his arms around his waist and plastering himself against Dean’s back. 

“Dad, don’t.” Dean said squirming and trying to break John’s hold, but despite the age difference and Dean having filled out since the last time he saw John, John was still stronger and just he just tightened his arms. Dean almost whimpered when he felt the hard length of John’s cock pressing against his ass. 

“Don’t be like that Dean.” John whispered his lips rubbing at Dean’s neck. “It’s been a long time.” 

“Dad, I’m warning you. I’m not a scared kid anymore. Cut it out.” Dean snarled and taking John by surprise he twisted out of his grasp and stepped away from John. “Don’t touch me again.” Dean warned. 

John put his hands out in a surrender-like fashion and nodded, but his dark gaze never left Dean’s face. 

Dean was shaking slightly but he was proud of himself for standing up to John. He nodded back and went to hand John his journal. 

Dean should have expected it, he thought to himself as in a lightning fast move after reaching for the journal John punched Dean in the jaw and then pivoted twisting one of Dean’s arms behind his back and slamming Dean face first into the wall. 

“Fuck.” Dean cursed flinging his head back trying to catch John who just chuckled and pulled Dean’s arm up higher to the point where Dean was afraid his shoulder would pop out of its socket. 

“I mean it dad, cut it out and let me the fuck go.” Dean threatened and then moaned in pain as John again raised his arm. 

“Dean. I thought by now the appeal would be lost. I mean you’re all grown up.” John said as he rubbed himself against Dean. “But boy, you’re even more beautiful than before. This is your own fault tempting me like this.” John murmured his breath hot against Dean’s skin.

Dean shuddered because this was so familiar. How many times had John said the same thing while Dean was growing up, always saying it was Dean’s fault. “Fuck you.” Dean swore as he tried and failed to break John’s hold on him.

John just chuckled darkly as his other hand started unbuckling Dean’s belt. 

“Stop it!” Dean yelled and then gasped in pain as John ground the freshly punched part of his face against the wall. 

“You don’t get to say no to me Dean. Do I really have to train you all over again?” John asked working Dean’s button open and unzipping his jeans, his arousal hard and pushing at Dean’s ass. 

Dean shivered at the lust dripping from John’s words and also at the thought of being trained by John again. _“You’re a grown ass man. Get it together Dean!”_ He yelled to himself but couldn’t stop the fear that spread through his body at John’s words. Dean was never going through that again he swore and tried again to break John’s hold. 

John just gave an evil laugh and squeezed Dean’s cock painfully hard and then started tugging Dean’s jeans down. 

“Mother fu….” Dean started to say and then was surprised when John’s weight was no longer there. “What…?” 

“Get your bloody hands off my Dean!” 

Dean heard followed by a large crash as John was flung across the room and into the wall. 

Shocked Dean turned around to see Crowley with his hand raised a second away from killing John. “No Crowley don’t!” Dean yelled, grabbing Crowley’s hand and lowering it while trying to pull his jeans up with one hand. 

“Why the hell not Squirrel? He was attacking you!” Crowley yelled back waving his hand up and down his eyes glittering dangerously as he watched as Dean pulled his pants up. 

“He’s my dad.” Dean said sounding defeated as a look of understanding crossed Crowley’s face. Dammit! Dean should have known the demon was aware of Dean’s history with John. 

It always amazed Dean that Cas had never delved into those memories but he was so thankful he didn’t dwell on it too much. He had asked Cas once about whether he knew about Dean’s childhood but Cas just said those memories were locked up tight in Dean’s head and were before hell so Castiel had left them intact but alone when he rebuilt Dean. 

“Who the fuck is this?” John yelled struggling to get to his feet only to be slammed into the wall again by Crowley’s power dazing him slightly. John glared as he found himself pinned and silenced with a wave of Crowley’s hand.

“What is he doing here? How is he back?” Crowley demanded. 

“We don’t know.” Dean admitted buckling his belt and feeling a little better now that he was fully dressed, although the glaring look of hate and violence in John’s eyes made Dean’s stomach twist in a knot. 

“He just showed up here last night. We have no clue.” Dean said, turning to Crowley. Then softly he said “Thank you.” And the demon smiled. 

“You sure you don’t want me to kill him?” Crowley asked and Dean was pleased to see John’s face pale a bit at the threat. 

“No, Sam would be devastated and, you know, he’s my dad.” Dean said with a small shrug. 

Crowley nodded. “Where’s feathers at?” He asked looking around the room.

“He’s trying to find out if heaven had anything to do with him coming back.” Dean said. “Do you know anything?” He asked knowing it was a long shot since Crowley was genuinely surprised when he found out who John was. 

“I’ll check.” Crowley said and disappeared before Dean could utter another word.

Dean sighed and went to help his father up, who had fallen hard to the ground with Crowley no longer pinning him to the wall. 

John slapped Dean’s hand away and stood up a bit shaky. “Was that a demon?” John demanded. 

“Not just a demon,” Crowley drawled popping back in. “The King of Hell.” 

Dean turned his attention to Crowley. “That was fast.” Dean said looking at Crowley questioningly.

“It wasn’t hell.” Crowley explained brushing imaginary lint off his impeccable designer suit.

“What the fuck is going on Dean?” John demanded but he was once again silenced by Crowley. 

“I really can’t kill him?” Crowley asked again, sounding bored and Dean grinned at his friend. 

It still amazed Dean that he considered Crowley a friend. After all he had been their mortal enemy and tried to kill them several times, but for some reason Crowley had softened and had helped the brothers out more than once. And now with the threat of Abaddon bringing hell on earth, well Crowley was basically part of the team. Of course Dean was the only one who really considered him that way. Sam still wanted, and tried on occasion, to kill Crowley. And Cas and Crowley, jeez, all it took was one little thing and they exploded at each other. 

Crowley rocked on his heels as he grinned back at Dean, a pleased look on his face, but then caught himself and tried to appear stern and cold causing Dean to grin more. 

Dean caught John’s glare again and ignored it. He would deal with the fallout over this later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers include, attempted rape, violence and non-con touching. References to childhood abuse. 
> 
> John attempts to force himself on Dean, but is saved by Crowley. 
> 
> Just a small note here I love, love, love to get comments. I am very open to constructive criticism because as mentioned above, I am not a writer by any means, but I do have a hard time if it comes across nasty, rude or in a very negative way. If you don't like my story or my writing, please just don't read it.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I posted the second chapter this evening, see end for triggers. It's really a continuation of the first so I figured why wait. I hope you enjoy the slight bit of humor in this chapter. 
> 
> Please continue to leave kudos or comments. See you next week!

“So how’s it going, you were able to go to hell okay?” Dean asked. 

Crowley nodded looking around the room again. “Yeah she is gaining ground a bit, but it’s still a tight race.” Crowley admitted with a slight growl. “Oh!” He said, his eyes lighting up with amusement. “What do you think about my campaign shirt?” 

Crowley snapped and Dean looked to find his black T-shirt was now covered with a large picture of Crowley’s face with  _ “Vote Crowley” _ in block letters above it.

“Nice.” Dean replied and then he realized what Crowley did and frowned. “Dammit Crowley this was my favorite T-shirt, it’s the softest.” Dean said running his hand down it but Crowley just chuckled proud of himself. 

“You were pretty quick you sure hell doesn’t know anything.” Dean asked. 

Crowley looked insulted at the question. “Yes Squirrel. Something this big I actually would have known about without a trip downstairs, but yes I don’t believe it was hell.” 

Dean heard the flutter of wings as Cas arrived surprisingly a few feet from Dean, and Dean was glad Cas took into consideration that his father was probably here. 

“What are you wearing Dean?” Cas growled out in anger, his eyes flashing blue fire. 

“Uh..” Dean stammered only to be interrupted by Crowley.

“My campaign shirt. Nice huh? It compliments him, don't you think Feathers?” Crowley said, trying and succeeding to get under Cas’ skin. 

Dean rolled his eyes as the demon and angel stepped close to each other squaring off and starting to argue with phrases like “Stay away from Dean,” “He doesn’t belong to you feathers,” and so on until the room started to shake and Crowley’s eyes bled red and Cas’ burned blue. 

John, released from Crowley’s power with his attention focused squarely on Castiel, shouted at Dean. “What the hell is going on?”

Dean swore and tried to intervene, trying and failing to push two unmovable supernatural creatures away from each other. Dean called their names a few times but the shaking got worse as their anger and hate for one another ratcheted up another notch.

Dean sighed in relief when Sam stepped through the door yelling. “What’s going on?” 

Dean threw his hands up in frustration and surrender turning toward his brother. “Sam do something please.” Dean said waving at the demon and angel. 

“What the fuck Dean,  _ again _ ?” Sam said rolling his eyes dramatically when Dean just shrugged, a slightly panicked look on his face. 

“Fine.” Sam said slamming his computer bag on the chair and striding over to the two arguing. After Sam tried and failed to get the arguing to stop, he quickly lost his smirk when he realized the two idiots were about to blow the hotel and probably most of the town up if they didn’t calm down. Then Sam glanced at Dean and got an idea.

“Guys!” Sam yelled again, this time with a smirk. “Stop it. You’re upsetting Dean!”

It took about 3 seconds to sink in but the angel and demon both stopped yelling at each other simultaneously and two heads swiveled in Dean’s direction causing Dean to blush at the sudden attention.

“Dean are you okay?” They both said at the same time and then narrowed their eyes at each other because of it. Dean jumped between them before they could start up again.

“I’m fine now guy’s, but you can’t keep doing this. You almost blew everything up including me.” Dean yelled, but his facial expression and tone were more of worry than anger. 

Castiel and Crowley both looked down with sheepish expressions on their face and muttered “Sorry.” Unfortunately, once again at the same time which caused them to glare at each other.

Dean was about to throw his hands up in the air in defeat when Crowley broke eye contact and turned toward Dean. “Well as amusing as this has been Squirrel, I actually came here to talk to you. Alone.” Crowley added smirking again at Castiel.

Cas narrowed his eyes further. “Whatever you have to say to Dean you can say in front of ….” Castiel started to demand when Crowley rolled his eyes, grabbed Dean’s arm and they both disappeared. 

Castiel and John both yelled. “Dean!” While Sam snorted in amusement before he realized his father was clueless and Castiel was getting angry again. 

Sam looked up and saw Crowley and Dean in the parking lot in full view of the window. “Just relax.” Sam said pointing. “They’re right outside.”

Castiel made to fly to go over there but Sam slapped his hand on his shoulder. “Just let them talk and then he’ll go away.” Sam said to Castiel. “You know he loves egging you on, you need to ignore it.”

“But…. He...” Castiel stuttered but put his hands up in surrender and flopped on the bed.

“Sam what the hell is going on?” John demanded, angry at being interrupted and angry at being completely lost. 

What the hell had he come back to? His sons were all cozy with an angel and friends with a demon, no not just a demon, the King of Hell. Dean was unfortunately more alluring than before, which came as a shock to John. The few minutes before he knocked on the door he thought about how he would handle things with Dean, but quickly dismissed it. Dean was a grown up now there was no way the attraction would still be there, but John was sorely mistaken. He looked at Dean and cursed to find him more beautiful than before and lust and want instantly flared up. Then when he woke up with a note from Sam saying he would be gone a few hours John immediately went to confront Dean and take back what was his. He didn’t miss the way the angel touched Dean or looked at him nor was he particularly pleased that Dean looked back at the angel with affection and something even deeper. 

Of course his son fought him, it was the story of their life really, Dean fighting, John beating or forcing him into submission and finally, John getting his way. He was actually a little thrilled Dean didn’t just roll over. There was nothing better or more addicting than the look of defeat, despair and pain in Dean’s gorgeous eyes when he realized he was helpless against John. 

Clearing his throat and adjusting himself discreetly to hide his reaction to his thoughts John asked Sam again what was happening. “Sam, son, what has your brother dragged you into? He’s supposed to keep you safe, not have you hanging around with monsters.” John said softly but firmly trying not to get Sam defensive because that never worked out well in the past. 

Castiel took a step toward John looking like he wanted to hit him but Sam just put a hand on his shoulder. “Cas it’s okay. He doesn’t understand - it's all new to him.” 

Castiel stared at John for a few more seconds and then nodded and went to stand at the window to glare at Dean and Crowley who had their heads together discussing something that looked important. 

“Look dad I know this is all strange for you. We never worked with or saw that monsters could be good and not just evil, but Castiel has saved us more times than I could count, he saved Dean from hell.” Sam explained. 

At that announcement John’s eyebrows rose. “What do you mean Sam?” John gritted out. 

Sam sighed and briefly explained how he was killed by a YED special kid and how Dean made the deal to save him. 

John was pissed. He gave up his soul to save Dean because he knew Dean was the only person who could protect Sam as John and Sam’s relationship had never been in a good place and Sam didn’t listen to him like he listened to Dean. John knew that above all Dean would always put his brother first. Ironically that had always made John angry and jealous, despite the fact that John himself had hammered that into Dean’s entire being. And the fact that Dean left Sam alone after only a year was unacceptable. Dean should have prevented Sam from being hurt in the first place. The amount of punishments Dean had coming from John with him just being back for a day was staggering, but John couldn’t wait to start dishing them out already imagining the many things he would do to Dean. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers are references to past sexual abuse.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you all had a good week and everyone is staying healthy. Here is a bit of a longer chapter which is basically three really small chapters that I put together. There is nothing too triggering, see end for notes.
> 
> I am stoked that I have received so many kudos and comments (I apologize if it takes a while before I respond to the comments). It has actually helped me finally push through the block I have had and I got the next chapter written. So thank you all and please continue to send them my way. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy another attempt at humor on my part before things take a turn.

Before John could say anything else, Dean walked back into the room and stopped when all three occupants swung around to look at him with various expressions. John was furious and Dean could almost feel the promise of violence coming off him in waves, Cas looked like an angry cat and Sam looked curious and a little ashamed. Dean sighed figuring Sam must have told John a few things. 

“Is he gone?” Cas asked stepping up to Dean, too close as was his habit and Dean internally shuddered as John’s eyes narrowed further. 

“Yeah he had to take off.” Dean explained walking in the room. At the continued silence Dean fidgeted a bit. “So who's up for some grub, I’m starving.” Dean said, trying to alleviate some of the tension.

Quickly catching on Sam agreed he could eat and went to grab his jacket when Sam paused and his lips quirked up in a smile. “Dean what are you wearing?” He asked laughter in his voice.

“Oh It’s just Crowley messing around.” Dean said, grabbing his own jacket. 

Cas scowled again. “Dean. You are not going out wearing his face.” Cas all but growled at Dean.

Sam snorted in amusement and Dean pointed a finger at him with a silent don’t, and turned back to Cas. “But it’s my last good clean T-shirt.” Dean said rubbing his hand down the shirt. “I’ll just button up my flannel.” Dean offered and froze when Cas growled again. 

“Okay geez fine.” Dean said taking the flannel off and turning to grab another T-shirt from his bag; a scratchy too tight one but whatever. Dean heard Sam break out into peals of laughter and Dean spun around. “What Sam?”

Sam just pointed and Dean twisted and didn’t see anything then caught sight of the back of the T-shirt in the mirror. It said “Let’s Make Hell Great Again” And Dean laughed too. 

“I don’t understand what is so funny.” Cas asked and Dean and Sam laughed a little more. Dean patted Cas’ shoulder with affection. “It’s just a spin on a presid… you know what Cas it doesn't matter. I’ll change.” Dean stated and he felt his stomach flutter with small butterflies at the smile Cas gave him in return. 

_________

They walked across the street to the diner and sat at a table. Cas was on the inside and Dean next to him and unfortunately John was across from Dean so he couldn’t really avoid his gaze without it being noticeable. 

The cute waitress came over almost immediately and flashed a smile at them, her eyes lingering on Dean. Dean just politely smiled back and ordered three coffees and a shake for Cas, and frowning at the lack of response she left the table. 

Well that was different John thought. When has Dean ever passed up the opportunity to flirt or pass on a sure thing for that matter, which based on the girl’s expression, it was definitely a sure thing. Dean was polite but completely uninterested and John watched as his gaze went right back to the angel, and if John didn’t know any better, they were holding hands under the table. 

After delivering their food, Sam looked at Dean and asked what Crowley wanted. 

“He thinks he has a lead on a weapon that would actually kill Abaddon.” Dean explained taking a sip of his coffee. 

“Really? That’s great.” Sam said and Cas hummed in agreement. “But why couldn’t he tell all of us?”

Dean sighed in anticipation of an argument before explaining further. “He needs me to go with him to get it, says I’m the only one who will be able to get the weapon. He’s gonna let me know when he finds out anything else. But, he uh wants just me to go. He says it won’t work if I’m not alone.” 

“That’s crazy.” John scoffed and for a minute Dean thought John was going to say it was too dangerous for Dean or something, but of course that wasn’t the case. “Why would you be the only one who could get such an important weapon? That doesn’t make any sense, why wouldn’t he ask Sam, he’s the special one.” John stated matter of factly like it was common knowledge. 

And after all this time it still hurt when John made comments like that. Dean’s face fell a bit, but he saw the pleasure that blossomed across Sam’s face so he couldn’t be too upset. John was right after all, Sam was special and a lot better man than Dean, but that didn’t make it hurt any less. 

Cas was confused, his gaze going from each of the Winchesters. Why would John say something like that and why would Sam and Dean not dispute it? Cas didn’t like the way Dean’s face fell and the fact that he seemed to agree with John. Didn’t John realize how special Dean was? Cas wondered.

“I don’t know.” Dean mumbled pushing his food around on the plate, his appetite suddenly gone. 

Sam gave John a big smile before he explained who Abaddon was and about the war in hell over the throne. 

___________

They headed back to the motel after eating. They were trying to figure out who could have brought John back and why. Sam got that look on his face that meant he had a good idea. 

“What about death?” Sam asked. “He certainly has the juice and it's kind of his thing.” He added and Cas nodded.

John looked confused. “ Death?” He asked looking at Sam.

“The angel of death, one of the four horseman?” Cas replied, turning to Dean. “What do you think Dean?” 

“No it wasn’t him.” Dean said with certainty fidgeting a bit. 

“We should summon him.” Sam said ignoring Dean, and at John’s raised eyebrows Sam added. “We’ve done it before.” 

“It wasn’t him.” Dean repeated a little louder but again he was ignored causing him to grit his teeth. 

Sam started to list the ingredients they would need and fed up Dean slammed his hand on the table causing everyone to jerk in surprise. “I said it wasn’t him.” Dean growled. “Let’s move on.” 

John immediately got angry at Dean’s rudeness and Sam just scoffed. “You can’t possibly know that Dean. We need to contact him.” 

“I do know and it wasn’t him.” Dean repeated firmly. 

“Dean, I do not understand. How could you know that without talking to him?” Cas asked, confused at Dean’s reaction. 

Dean squirmed a bit. “Look if it was him he would have told me, it wasn’t him.” Dean reiterated. 

Sam gave Dean that pitying look he used when he was feeling superior and laughed. “Really Dean, I know he’s helped you in the past but do you really think he would contact you if he was up to something.” Sam said with a chuckle and John snorted in amusement. 

“Uh…” Dean started to say getting a shifty expression on his face which Sam of course immediately picked up on. 

“Dean, what are you saying? Have you talked to him? When?” Sam asked, his voice getting angry. 

“Son of a.. Okay fine, I saw him last week so there, if he had anything to do with it, he would have told me.” Dean admitted. 

“Last week, last week!” Sam said, his voice rising to a high pitch. “Dean what the hell?” 

“Dean?” Cas questioned his head tilted and his eyes narrowed. 

Since it was Cas asking Dean sighed loudly deciding he had to come clean. “Sam you remember that restaurant that had those empanada things?” Sam nodded. “Remember you didn’t want to go with me?” Dean said.

And Sam snorted in disgust. “Dean we had eaten there twice the day before so yeah i didn’t want to go with you so what?” Sam growled. 

Dean rolled his eyes. “So I figured it was something he would enjoy so we had lunch. Ok no biggie.” 

“You had lunch with Death?” John said in disbelief. 

“Yeah it’s no big deal okay.” Dean said waving his hand hoping they would let it pass, which of course they didn’t.

“Dean what the hell man. I don’t..., what?” Sam asked. 

“Oh for the love of.. Look when I got back from purgatory he stopped by because he wanted to know about it and you know we’ve met a few times.” Dean explained. 

At the continued silence Dean added. “He’s a nice guy okay?” Dean said, still squirming a bit.

“He’s a nice... What the fuck Dean!” Sam repeated standing up in his agitation. “He’s Death!”

“Yeah I know that Sam.” Dean replied nonchalantly making Sam grit his teeth.

Cas put a hand on Sam’s shoulder to calm him down. “Dean, even if you’ve talked to him it doesn’t mean he didn’t have anything to do with it. We still need to ask or he might know something.”

“No, he would have called me.” Dean repeated getting aggravated. 

Again there was silence. “You have his freakin number.” Sam sputtered. 

“Death has a cellphone?”John asked amazed.

“Well yeah I got him one when…” Dean started to explain and trailed off … as Sam’s face started to get red with holding back his urge to throttle Dean. 

“Jesus. Ok fine.” Dean said getting up and stomping into the other room. He felt stupid calling Death because he knows he would have said something if he knew anything but they weren’t going to let it go. With his back to the doorway he dialed the number. 

“Dean.” Death replied and Dean could hear noises and dishes clanking in the background.

“Hi.” Dean said. “Sorry to bother you.” Dean said casting a glare in Sam’s direction. “So my dad…”

“Is back, yes I know.” Death said. “I didn’t do it Dean.” 

“I know, but some people.” Dean said casting another glare. “Didn’t believe me. Do you know anything?” Dean asked.

“No sorry Dean but if I hear...” 

“Sir can I get you another order of the beignets?” Dean heard a female voice ask.

“Wait a minute!” Dean said forcefully causing John, Sam and Cas to all come into the room with slight alarm on their faces. 

Dean ignored them. “Where are you?” He demanded. 

Death cleared his throat uncomfortably and then replied. “Uh nowhere important, I have to go.” Death started to say when the female voice chimed in. 

“You sure do love Aunt Mimmi’s beignets, I don’t think I’ve ever seen anyone eat so many at one sitting.” She laughed and Death groaned.

“Aunt Mimie’s!” Dean shouted. “Aunt Mimie’s! What the fuck? We agreed to only go back there together.” Dean added his anger morphing into a little hurt. 

Dean heard Sam gasp, but he ignored it. 

Death sighed. “I know Dean, I’m sorry but I knew about your dad and knew you would be busy so I just…”

“Oh you just decided to go on your own.” Dean said running his free hand agitatedly through his hair. 

“Hang on.” Death said and Dean who was pacing back and forth stopped suddenly before he bumped into Tessa who stood there with an angry look on her face holding a bag of beignets. 

“Oh hey Tessa.” Dean said and Dean watched as Sam held his father back from attacking. “It’s a reaper.” Sam whispered to his father whose eyebrows shot up.

“Hello Castiel, Sam.” Tessa said, glancing over her shoulder before she thrust the bag into Dean’s hands. “You know Dean it's bad enough you two are hopping around through time and leaving me to cover but now I’m a food delivery person!” Tessa snarled folding her arms across her chest and tapping her foot in anger. 

Dean blushed at the reprimand. “Sorry.” He said, opening the bag and inhaling, his eyes rolling back in pleasure. “Try one?” He offered to Tessa who hesitated a minute and then grabbed the bag and pulled one out. She took a bite and the angry looked melted as she moaned in delight. 

“See worth it right?” Dean said. Turning his attention back to the phone Dean thanked Death. 

“Am I forgiven?” Death teased. 

“Yeah, yeah.” Dean said fondly. “Don’t let it happen again.” He teased right back. “Talk to you soon.” And Dean hung up the phone growling as Tessa grabbed three more and then disappeared with a wink. 

“Son of a bitch…” Dean said turning and freezing at the look of shock on everyone’s face. 

“Dean, did you just yell at Death and did he just deliver food to you?” Sam asked, his voice rising with each word. 

“Yeah, well in my defense, we made a deal to only go back there together.” Dean explained but cringed at the looks on the three faces. 

Cas stepped forward. “And what did Tessa mean by time hopping Dean?” 

“Look it’s no big deal okay. We’ve just gone to some of his favorite places. Get this.” Dean said getting excited at the memory. We went to this Folk Festival in 1951 where the first funnel cakes were ever served. Man, they were so good. I ate so much I almost puked.” Dean said flushing in pleasure at the memory. 

“Dean!!!” All three voices chimed in at once startling Dean out of the memory. Ignoring their outraged looks, Dean sighed and pulled out a treat. He took a bite and moaned at the taste. Dean smiled at the look of lust on Cas’ face from the noise and he slowly licked the sugar from his lips watching as Cas’ eyes followed the movement and dilated, but then Dean froze when he saw the same look of lust flare across his father’s face. Swallowing what now felt like a lump of flour Dean put the bag aside, preparing himself for the fallout. 

Again John had to grit his teeth as he listened to his son after he put the donut or whatever the hell it was in his mouth and moaned like a porn star. Something needed to give and quickly or he was going to lose it. Recognizing the same look of lust on the angel’s face John realized the first order of business was to find a way to separate the two. 

John saw the same level of protectiveness and love on Dean’s face when he looked at Sam, actually it was even more pronounced now so if John got the angel out of the picture he knew whatever happened Dean would keep it to himself so as to not risk hurting Sam. It always worked before and John was confident it would work again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers only include John thinking about what he wants to do Dean and a small reference to past abuse. 
> 
> Lots of POV changes, I hope it was not too confusing. 
> 
> I think I have the year correct for the first funnel cake but I apologize if it is wrong. 
> 
> I had a lot of fun writing the last part of the chapter and its one of my favorites. I would love it if there were more fics out there showcasing the friendship between Dean and Death.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you all had a good holiday and everyone is healthy and safe. 
> 
> I apologize that this is a somewhat short chapter but I didn't realize the next part, which is a continuation of this one, needed more editing until I went to post. If I can I will try to get it up sometime during the week so as not to leave you too long with a cliffhanger. 
> 
> Things start to go dark here and lots of hurt Dean and angst coming up. See end for triggers. 
> 
> Thank you again so very, very much for the kudos and comments. They inspire me to keep writing.

They fell into an uneasy rhythm over the next week. Cas left often to fly around and do his “penance,” and when he was around Dean tried to keep his distance but it was becoming harder and harder as he and Cas just tended to gravitate toward each other. And more times than Dean could count, John had rudely interrupted one of their staring sessions or found a way to keep them from getting some alone time, and Dean was getting frustrated. 

The only thing that made it bearable was Sam was thrilled at having John back. John and Sam continued to bond in a way they had never before and that made Dean really happy. Sure John continued with the snide underhanded comments about how Dean was weak, stupid and a lousy hunter, but Dean’s been dealing with that his whole life so he could take it; at least John hadn’t beaten the shit out him or tried anything funny so Dean counted that as a win. 

__________

Dean staggered into the room grimacing as his shoulder hit the doorway jostling the long claw marks on his back. “I’m fine.” Dean said slapping Sam’s hands away from him. 

“You’re not fine Dean.” Sam said huffing in exacerbation. 

“Listen to your brother Dean.” John said as he none too gently pushed Dean to sit on the bed. 

“I mean of all the stupid stunts to pull, Dean.” John snarled, his voice at a low level in his anger that despite himself sent shivers of fear down Dean’s spine. 

“You know, I saw the wolf Dean. I would’ve gotten it.” Sam exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air.

“If you had seen it Sam then you would’ve gotten it, but you didn’t so I did, and I ended up getting clawed up.” Dean gritted through his teeth, completely done with all the bickering that had been going on during the clean up and coming back to the motel room. Sam was about to get seriously hurt and so Dean jumped in the way. Dean has been doing this practically his whole life so why he’s now being dressed down like a child for it Dean had no idea. 

Sam opened his mouth to protest, even though Dean could see it in his eyes he knew Dean was right. Sam just didn’t want to admit to needing help and appearing weak in front of their father. This whole new dynamic between them was really bizarre. Before Sam wouldn’t have given a shit if John thought badly about him and now it was to the point where apparently he wasn’t above throwing Dean under the bus.

“Whatever.” Dean hissed as he eased his jacket off. 

“Why don’t you call Cas?” Sam suggested. 

Dean just shook his head no. “He’s busy. He said he wouldn’t be back until tomorrow so no we are not bothering him.” 

John walked over to the first aid kit and started going through it. “ Let’s get you sedated and then I’ll take care of the stitches.” John said calmly while pulling out a syringe.

“What?” Dean said shocked. “First you don’t need to sedate me, Jesus I can handle it, and second Sam is going to stitch me.” Dean said, not wanting John’s hands anywhere near his bare skin. 

“Dean, stop being so selfish.” John said. “Did you forget Sam has a date?”

Fuck. Dean had forgotten. “Right, okay. I’ll be fine until tomorrow. Just leave them.” Dean said. He could handle being in pain until Cas was no longer busy. 

“Give me your arm Dean.” John demanded ignoring Dean as usual.

Dean stood and backed up slightly. “I said no dad.” Dean repeated and he looked to Sam to back him up, but Sam just looked like a deer in the headlights, his gaze ping-ponging between the two of them. 

“Dad, he really doesn’t need a shot.” Sam finally offered, albeit somewhat weakly earning him a glare from Dean.

“I said he does so he does. Dean front and center.” John ordered again, clearly losing patience. 

“And I said no.” Dean repeated, eyeing the door and missing the look John gave Sam. “Maybe he needed to get his own room or take off for a while.” Dean thought as a sense of dread started to fill him.

But as Dean turned to get his jacket and get out of this bizarre situation, he was shocked when he felt big hands grab his arms and spin him, and Dean found himself being held by Sam with his back plastered to Sam’s chest. 

“Sam what the fuck!” Dean yelled struggling and then moaning in pain as the claw marks rubbed against the fabric. 

“Dean calm down.” Sam said and to Dean’s horror Sam tightened his grip as John stepped forward and before Dean could even think of an exit strategy he felt the needle slide into his arm.

“You mother fucker!” Dean yelled, and he slammed his head back but Sam leaned out of the way. “I don’t fucking need it.” Dean repeated but he could already feel his muscles relaxing and the last word came out slurred.

“Dean just go with it. Dad’s out of practice he doesn’t want to hurt you.” Sam tried to explain himself as he lowered Dean onto the bed settling him on his stomach.

All Dean could do is glare at Sam with betrayed eyes before his lashes fluttered and he sank into a deep sleep.

“Do you really think that was necessary?” Sam asked. “He’s going to be pissed when he wakes up.”

“He’ll be fine.” John said. “He needs to start following orders again. His new attitude has got to go.” John snarled, but then smiled up at Sam. “So get going you’re going to be late. I won’t expect you back until tomorrow.” John said, winking at Sam and patting him on the back. “But hey, if you do come back, shoot me a text first okay so I’m not surprised.” John added. 

Sam grinned at the thought of the cute waitress, quickly agreed and headed out the door.

Smiling in satisfaction, John turned and looked down at Dean, drugged up and sleeping on the bed. He was finally alone with Dean John thought his cock already hard and dripping at the idea. He wanted nothing more than to rip off Dean’s clothes and pound him into next week, but he needed to be smart about this and do it right and stick to the plan. Then once it all played out he could do what he really wanted. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Non-consensual drug use, John thinking about his plans to abuse Dean. 
> 
> So not my best chapter, more of a filler but it is needed to set the stage for John's plan. Sam starts acting a little out of character in this chapter, but he has never been the one "caught in the middle" and doesn't handle things well. 
> 
> Hang on, next chapter will be bad for Dean.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys so here is the other half of the last chapter. As promised I am posting early since I left you with a pretty nasty cliffhanger. 
> 
> So trigger warnings up the wazoo with this chapter. You can actually just skip it and read the summary at the end if you want. Sorry guys this is a heavy chapter. 
> 
> I love all the comments and kudos. Thank you!

John sighed with satisfaction. Luck was with him tonight. He had been waiting for an opportunity to put his plan in motion and Sam having a date on a night that Dean got hurt was fate. John grabbed a beer and took a long drink as he waited for the drugs to pull Dean into a deeper sleep. 

After a couple more beers, John got the paper from his bag and pinned it to the wall. It contained a sigil that blocked angels from hearing or receiving prayers. He wanted to make sure he wouldn't be interrupted. This was a long time coming and John wasn't going to have anyone or thing stop him. 

Grinning, John proceeded to cut the shirt off Dean. It was covered in blood and not salvageable anyway. He then quickly stripped Dean of his boots, socks, jeans and boxers. Dean murmured as the cold air hit his skin but didn’t wake up. John smiled and licked his lips in anticipation as he took in all the tanned freckled skin, smooth muscles and that delectable ass. 

John was hard as a rock and he needed to take the edge off before he stitched up the claw marks so John put a towel on the bed since the wounds were still oozing a bit and then turned Dean onto his back. Dean grumbled and tried to swat at John’s hands. 

“Come on son, sit up a bit okay.” John coaxed as he propped Dean up on some pillows. He quickly took his clothes off and straddled Dean’s chest. John grabbed a hold of his hair and yanked Dean's head back. “Come on Dean. Open up.” John ordered as he pushed his cock against Dean’s plush mouth moaning at the sensation of those soft lips. 

“What no.” Dean slurred weakly opening his eyes which were glazed over and unfocused. 

“Open your mouth slut.” John ordered after several more attempts to get Dean to cooperate, and he smirked when Dean opened his mouth in response to the direct order. John quickly shoved his cock in. “Oh god!” John groaned at the wet moist mouth. Met with little resistance as the drugs had Dean relaxed and allowed John to push his cock all the way in. He ground Dean’s face against his pubic hair as Dean started to thrash around, his muffled protests feeling delicious around John’s cock. Unable to hold off and savor the moment, John felt himself cumming within just a few minutes. Sighing in pleasure he thrust in and out a few more times and then pulled his cock out. Dean had tears in his eyes from struggling to breathe and looked at John in fear, and that look had John half hard almost immediately. 

Twenty minutes later John had the marks cleansed, stitched and bandaged. Dean was snuffling in his sleep but hadn’t woken up again. John took the opportunity to get a feel for Dean’s new more mature body, running his hands everywhere, licking and tasting, putting a few marks on Dean, but not too many or it wouldn’t look right so he held back.

John then took his time opening Dean up making sure there would be no tearing. Dean came to a bit at this point and started to struggle again saying no repeatedly and calling for that monster the angel. He even got in a decent punch making John growl in anger. 

Cursing John went and grabbed two small towels. He wrapped them around Dean’s wrists and snapped cuffs on him attaching him to the headboard to keep him still but not leave any marks. 

Once restrained, Dean’s eyes flew open in alarm, but his eyes were still unfocused and glazed. Dean continued to weakly struggle and John was a little impressed Dean was able to do even that with the drugs in his system. He started to get a little loud though so John shoved a bandana in his mouth far enough that in his drugged state he couldn’t spit it out too fast. 

John smirked looking at Dean bound to the bed and gagged.  _ "It's just like old times." _ John thought stroking himself. Not willing to wait any longer, John jerked Dean down the bed and crawled between his legs after putting on a condom. John wanted nothing more than to feel skin on skin but he had to be careful and set the stage. 

Gripping Dean’s thighs making sure not to leave any marks John ignored Dean’s muffled shouts and increased struggles and slowly sank into his son’s body savoring how every inch felt. John moaned in pleasure.  _ It was just like sliding home. _ John had been fucking Dean since he was a teen and every time felt amazing. Now after being teased and kept on edge these last few weeks it felt better than ever. John took his time slowing thrusting in and out of the squirming body beneath him bending down to lick at Dean’s tears. 

“You think you can say no to me.” John snarled giving Dean a hard thrust, his voice thick with lust and possessiveness. “I. Own. You. And as soon as that angel is gone, you will be all mine again.” John promised in Dean’s ear knowing his son wouldn’t remember. 

After enjoying himself for a long time John switched his angle and chuckled when Dean’s cock began to fill up. Unable to control himself any longer, John’s thrusts became quicker and deeper, and he stroked Dean causing him to cry out and spill onto his stomach. His tight clenching walls pushed John over the edge and an orgasm exploded out of John. Shuddering in pleasure John laid down on top of Dean, pulling out the bandana and taking some time to kiss and suck at his lips. “That’s my boy.” John cooed. “You just love it don’t you Dean. Such a cock slut.” John chuckled as his nerves sung in pleasure. 

An hour later, John dressed Dean, forced him to drink some whiskey and then he let him sleep. Proud of himself and satisfied, mostly, for the first time since he got back, John fell asleep with a smile on his face. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings: Non-con restraints, oral sex and anal sex. Basically the whole chapter is John raping a drugged Dean, but he is gentle and uses a condom as part of his plan. 
> 
> How many of you guessed what his plan is? It will be revealed next chapter.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope everyone is healthy and happy. This is another rough chapter for Dean. Things will be going downhill for Dean for a few chapters but there will be a happy ending and characters who do not act like themselves will realize it, some sooner than later, so please stick with it.
> 
> Please see triggers at the end.
> 
> I rewrote some of this so all mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Wow guys, the story has gotten 101 kudos, and I am cannot thank you all enough. Its really been helping to keep me motivated to keep writing. I wrote another chapter this week. I also really appreciate the comments. So a big thank you again.

The next morning, John sat at the table in the motel room eagerly awaiting the next part of his plan and sure enough Castiel popped into the room looking down at Dean still sleeping on the bed. With a frown on his face, he turned to John. 

“Is Dean alright?” The monster asked. John had to hide a grin when he answered.

“Oh Dean’s fine. A little hung over probably. He had a pretty wild night last night according to his drunken rambles.” John said casually watching the angel’s face.

“What do you mean a “wild night.”” Castiel asked using air quotes around wild night. 

John just waved a hand dismissively. “You know my boy, a wild night. He went out, had some drinks, picked someone up. Same old same old.” John said smirking at the look of anger and betrayal that flashed across the angel’s face. 

Just then Dean started to stir and John quickly excused himself saying he was going to get coffee leaving the two alone. 

Dean started to wake up. His body felt like lead and his mouth had an awful taste in it. Swallowing a few times Dean’s eyes flew open when he realized what the lingering taste was.

Dean shot upright in bed and swayed a bit still under the influence of the drugs. He clenched and yes sure enough he definitely had sex last night. What was confusing was it was just a slight discomfort and nothing that Dean would have expected if his father had attacked him. Other than the claw marks on his back, Dean wasn’t in any pain. 

Confused Dean raised his head and got caught in a look from his angel that he never wanted to see ever again. Castiel looked lost, betrayed and hurt with a simmering fury building up behind his blue eyes.

“Is it true Dean?” Cas spat out stalking over to Dean. 

“Is what true?” Dean asked, trying to stall as he desperately tried to remember what happened last night. 

Dean was torn from his thoughts as Cas grabbed his shirt and yanked him upright and shook him a bit. “Did you go out to a bar last night? Did you pick someone up?” Cas demanded as he tried to air quote with just one hand since the other was still gripping Dean’s shirt tightly. 

Dean closed his eyes and tried to swallow the nausea down. “ _ What had he done last night? What had happened? _ _ Fuck think Dean!.” _ He swore to himself as his heart hammered in panic. 

“Cas stop!” Dean pleaded, as he pushed the angel away from him and walked away from the bed. “I don’t know.” Dean admitted his stomach sinking when Cas scoffed at him. 

“Don’t lie to me Dean.” Cas growled as he came closer and pushed Dean back against the wall. 

“I’m not…I…” Dean said and closed his eyes. He remembered the hunt. He remembered getting hurt and then coming back and oh, oh right his fucking father and Sam drugged him. “Cas no I was drugged, I didn’t…” Dean said weakly. 

Cas just pushed Dean again leaning in close. “Dean I can smell alcohol on your breath. And I... I can...” Cas said his voice wavering from anger to hurt in an instant. “I can smell sex on you Dean.” 

“No Cas!” Dean said. “I don’t remember but no I wouldn’t..” Dean said softly. 

“Did. You. Have. Sex. Last. Night.” Cas demanded. 

Dean didn’t remember what happened but he knew what it felt like the morning after and he couldn’t lie. He looked up at Cas hoping he would understand and nodded. 

Cas eyes went wide and the next thing Dean knew his face was on fire. Cas had punched him. Dean stared in disbelief. 

“Cas! What?” Dean asked.

“I trusted you.” Cas yelled and he slammed his iron fist into Dean’s stomach, grabbed Dean’s hair as he bent forward in pain and jerked him up punching him again in rapid succession.

“Cas stop!” Dean cried out his eyes almost rolling back in pain as he put his hands up to protect his face. “It’s not what you think. I can explain.” Dean gasped out. 

Cas paused with his fist raised to hit Dean again. “Then explain.” Cas growled out.

Dean thought fast.  _ It didn’t make sense. If his father had raped him Dean would be hurting. John has never been gentle with Dean ever. John told Cas he went to a bar but he didn’t remember leaving the room. He was too drugged up for that. But. Fuck. Why couldn’t Dean remember.  _ And just then he looked over Cas’ shoulder and saw his father standing in the doorway grinning at the sight. Dean’s brow furrowed in question and Dean knew, well suspected, that John had manipulated this whole scenario. The thing is, Dean couldn’t say for sure and he couldn’t destroy Sam’s life on a guess because Dean had doubts. He didn’t have rough sex, they had obviously used a condom and none of that fit with John. 

“Dean.” Cas called and he brought his attention back to the devastated angel. 

“I..” Dean started to explain, he would tell Cas everything and have him use his angel mojo to help him remember, but Dean glanced at John and saw the warning in his eyes and Dean’s head exploded.  _ “Don’t ever fucking tell anyone about us Dean. Remember never talk. It’s our secret. You know what I will do to Sam if you talk boy.”  _ John’s voice echoed in his head as the countless threats and orders to never talk about what John did to him that had been hammered into Dean’s very soul screamed in his mind and Dean froze. Deep seated conditioned fear engulfed him and with his eyes wide with panic Dean opened his mouth but nothing came out. And then Sam walked into the room. He took in the scene and the first thing Sam did was turn toward their father. 

Right then Dean knew he couldn’t do it. Unless he was 100% sure he couldn’t accuse John. He couldn’t put Sam in danger and he couldn’t hurt Sam. He would just have to talk to Cas when they were alone.

“I’m sorry Cas.” Dean mumbled and his stomach lurched and his heart broke as Cas’ face crumbled and then he just disappeared. 

“Dean!” Sam called out. “What happened? What did you do?” Sam demanded. 

And ain't’ that a kicker. Sam immediately thought Dean had done something wrong. Well of course in this instance it seemed like maybe Dean had but still Sam shouldn’t always assume Dean was in the wrong.

Dean ignored Sam and whipped his head around to John. “Did I go out last night? All I remember is you guys drugging me.” Dean spat out glaring at the both of them.

John raised his hands in a woah gesture. “Dean it was a super mild sedative, you were awake within an hour. And yes you insisted on going out for a drink and came home in the middle of the night smelling like alcohol and sex.” John answered. 

“No… that’s not possible.” Dean said and stared into John’s eyes trying to find anything to tell him John was lying but John just held his gaze and Dean was flooded with doubts. John just shook his head and left.

“Really Dean. You would do that to Cas?” Sam snarled and then stomped out of the room slamming the door behind him leaving Dean alone in the room. 

Dean slid down the wall. His body hurt but his heart was falling apart. He pressed his hand to his chest as the pain became unbearable. He had hurt his angel and had lost him before they even really started things. 

Dean never hated himself more. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know a lot of you will be upset me over Cas' actions, but he doesn't really know how to deal with emotions like we humans do especially a relationship as its new to him, and I don't think its too far off from the show. I was thinking of the alley scene when I wrote this. 
> 
> Triggers include violence (Cas hits Dean a few times), references to past rape, possibly present rape and threats to a minor (Dean remembers what its was like with John in the past and questions if it happened again and remembers the threats he used to make sure Dean never talked).


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you are all well and not going stir crazy. The comments from the last chapter where so great to read, thank you so much. I'm sorry if I take a bit to respond, I usually respond when I post the next chapter, but I really, really appreciate all the kudos and comments, please keep them coming if you like the story. 
> 
> Nothing too triggering in this chapter except for angst, angst and more angst. Please see end for notes. 
> 
> \-- I'm sorry.

Dean gritted his teeth as he hit the ground hard, his already bruised ribs causing pain to shoot through his chest. 

“Come on Dean, is that really all you got? I thought by now you would have learned some decent self defense.” John taunted and Sam snorted in agreement with a big smile across his face. 

“Mother fucking asshole.” Dean whispered under his breath. Like he really had a chance against the two of them. John had decided it was a good idea to spar two on one and normally those odds would have still been in Dean’s favor against anyone one other than those two, but unbeknownst to Sam Dean’s ribs were already bruised up, he had bruises covering most of his torso and flanks and his shoulder was weak from having been popped out of its socket just a few days ago; all courtesy of a fight Dean and John had gotten into when Sam was off at the library doing research. 

The last two weeks had been some of the worst for Dean. He prayed to Cas every day, three to four times a day, but Cas never responded. Sam took every opportunity to berate Dean over hurting his friend, and John was constantly rubbing up against him and trying to corner him whatever chance he had. He had gotten so bold that a few days ago he threw Dean down on the bed and twisted Dean’s arm behind his back enough to pop out his shoulder trying to get Dean to suck him off while Sam was out getting dinner, but Dean fought back with all he had and after a particularly hard kick to the nuts John backed off. 

Dean wasn’t only fighting back physically now - John and Dean were arguing constantly. It was like a bizarro world where Dean was Sam and Sam was Dean because John and Dean were fighting like cats and dogs while Sam was trying to keep the peace between the two. But Dean was angry, he knew deep down John orchestrated the breakup between him and Cas but he just couldn’t prove it, and he hated John for it. He hated John more than he has ever, so much so it overrode his inborn fear of the man. 

As soon as they decided to call it quits, Dean limped into the room and swore under his breath and of course John heard him which prompted another screaming match between the two that ended in John slamming out of the room. As soon as the door closed, Sam started in on Dean. 

“Why do you have to fight with him all the time?” Sam demanded. “Do you have any idea what it's like for me?” Sam had the audacity to say to Dean. 

“Are you friggin kidding me Sam? It's been a couple of weeks. I had to put up with this shit from you and him for most of your childhood. So suck it up.” Dean sneered. “Or better yet, why don’t you man the fuck up and stop doing everything he asks of you.” 

Sam’s mouth opened in shock and Dean recognized the irony of those words being thrown at Sam when Sam spent his entire teenage years saying the same thing to Dean. The only difference was nothing would happen to Sam other than a disappointed look from John if he stood up to him, whereas Dean would be beaten and raped every time he did. 

Finally Sam composed himself and with bitch face number 13 firmly in place and demanded to know what Dean meant by that.

“What do I mean? Sam, are you high? You really think it's okay for you two to gang up on me all the time? Do you really think it's okay that you stand there and not say a goddamn word while he puts me down and questions everything I do? Dean demanded his eyes wild and rage burning through him. 

Dean was practically foaming at the mouth because they had avoided this particular conversation, but Dean couldn’t hold it in anymore. “And did you really think it was okay when the two of you fucking drugged me against my will?” Dean spat his face red with fury. 

Sam flinched and actually looked a little guilty at that.

“It's your fault, you and dad’s.” Dean snarled, but then the anger left him suddenly as the pain and despair at losing Cas flooding through him. “If you hadn’t done that to me Sam none of that would have happened.” Dean whispered as he once again rubbed his chest to try to ease the pain from his bruises and ribs but mostly from his broken heart. 

And just like that the guilt disappeared and righteous anger took its place on Sam’s face. “Oh please Dean, it was just a matter of time before you fucked around on Cas. Stop trying to blame your actions on me and dad.” Sam spat out.

“Do you even hear yourself Sam? I'm blaming you because it's your fault. I would never have cheated on Cas if I was in my right mind. What part of I don’t remember what happened are you having a hard time understanding?” Dean gritted out through clenched teeth anger once again sweeping through him.

Sam just stared at Dean not saying anything, but he crossed his arms in defiance. 

“Let me ask you something college boy?” Dean sneered. “If I can’t remember how exactly was I able to consent to having sex with anyone?” 

And at that Sam’s eyes widened and his face paled. But Dean was too far gone to stop now. “You did that to me, Sam, you!” Dean said his voice trembling with fury and betrayal. 

“Dean.. I..”. Sam started to say but fed up Dean just grabbed his jacket and keys and took off hoping to calm down. 

Dean drove like a bat out of hell for a couple of hours until finally his rage left him and sadness and regret settled in its place. He should never have let Sam have it like that. Sam didn’t know what was going on behind the scenes and he was just a pawn in John’s manipulations and nobody knew better than Dean just how manipulative John could be. 

Again Dean prayed to Cas. “Come on man, Cas, you gotta talk to me. There’s some really important stuff I need to tell you and I need to see you Cas, please.” Dean cried out his eyes welling with tears and Dean waited with bated breathing, but once again his angel didn’t show. 

Shoulders drooping in defeat, Dean turned around and headed back to the motel. It took him almost 3-1/2 hours to drive back because he was driving the speed limit this time. When he was about 10 minutes out he called Sam. 

Sam picked up on the second ring. “Dean?” Sam answered, but his voice sounded strange. 

“Heya Sammy. Look I’m sorry.” Dean said, and at the continued silence Dean pulled the phone away from his ear to make sure they were still connected. 

“Sam, you still there?” Dean asked. 

“Yeah Dean, I’m still here.” Sam said and a feeling of dread started creeping up Dean’s spine at the tone of Sam’s voice. 

“I’ll be back in about 10 minutes, do you want me to pick up some dinner?” Dean asked, pulling off the road. 

“No Dean. Uh.. listen. Dad and I aren’t there.” Sam said softly.

“Okay, were you at, I can meet up with you.” Dean said and his heart started racing when Sam didn’t immediately respond. After a beat or two of continued silence, Dean asked. “What’s going on Sam?” 

“Dean, listen. You have to know how much I love having dad back with us right?” Sam asked, and Dean hummed an agreement wondering where this was going. “And I finally have the kind of relationship I always dreamed about with him now, and it's so great.” Sam continued, his tone still sounded nervous but a little more animated, letting Dean know just how much Sam meant what he was saying. 

“Yeah Sam I know, and I’m glad for you. I really am.” Dean responded honestly.

“But the fighting between you two, it's just too much.” Sam said, and Dean scoffed into the phone. 

“This again Sam, I mean really this doesn’t even come close to what I had to put up between the two of you. You know that right?” Dean said, his heart starting to race wondering where Sam was going with this but the feeling of dread increased.

“I know, I know, Dean.” Sam replied, starting to sound pissed off again, which must have given him courage because the hesitant nervous tone was all gone. 

“Where are you Sam?” Dean demanded.

“We left Dean. Um, Dad and I decided to hunt by ourselves for a while.” Sam explained his tone softening once again. 

“What?” Dean whispered in shock. This was the last thing he expected Sam to say to him.

“I’m sorry Dean.” Sam said. “But I want this and I really think it's a good idea. I’m sure you’ll agree if you think about it.” Sam had the nerve to say. 

Dean laughed, a harsh, hurt, incredulous resigned laugh, which apparently pissed Sam off.

“What’s so funny Dean?” Sam growled out.

“What’s so funny Sam is that I keep expecting things to be different. I mean I guess that just makes me a fool, you know fool me once shame on you, fool me I don’t know kinda lost count, shame on me.” Dean spat out. 

“What the hell is that supposed to mean Dean?” Sam demanded. 

“It means Sam that I keep expecting things to be different. It means after all this time, after everything I have done for you …. “ Dean stopped his voice cracking in pain. He pinched the bridge of his nose and took a deep breath and continued. “Why is it Sammy?” Dean asked softly his voice filled with pain. “That whenever there is a choice between every what, where or who, you never ever choose me?” Dean asked with tears falling freely from his eyes now.

After a few seconds of tension filled silence Sam just cleared his throat. What could he say, it was true. Sam never chose Dean and Dean always chose Sam and look where it got Dean - dumped at a motel just like before. 

“Take care of yourself, Dean.” Sam finally said and hung up. 

Dean stared at the phone listening to the dial tone his heart breaking into a million pieces. Hoping this was all a bad joke, a way to get Dean to fall in line, he sped to the motel. Dean jumped out of the car and slammed into the room only to find it empty. Well his duffel and stuff were there but nothing else. Dean ran into the adjoining room and it was also completely cleaned out. 

They had really left. Dean sunk down onto the bed putting his head in his hands trying to stop the tears. “And then there was none.” Dean muttered out loud. 

“None, what am I chopped liver?” 

Dean jerked in surprise to find Crowley sitting next to him on the bed with a cocky grin on his face that slid away when he looked at Dean. 

“What’s going on Squirrel?” Crowley asked with concern.

Dean just shook his head unable to speak and to his surprise Crowley put an arm around Dean’s shoulder and pulled Dean close. Too distraught to think about how wrong this was, Dean tucked his head against Crowley’s neck and cried. 

Finally some indeterminate time later, Dean was all cried out and finally pulled away from the demon. Dean’s face pinked up in embarrassment at showing such weakness to the demon, but Crowley just smiled and handed Dean a handkerchief. 

“Thanks man.” Dean mumbled as he wiped his face. 

“So.” Crowley said and Dean looked up. 

“Fancy a road trip?” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know, I'm ducking the rotten tomatoes I'm sure you want to throw at me, but I needed Dean to be alone as he was in season 9 to go off with Crowley. 
> 
> And I promise Sam starts to see John differently in the next chapter and Cas will soon follow. Its going to be quite the roller coaster but just keep in mind every time you want to strangle me - happy ending.
> 
> Triggers include references to non-con touching and drug use, violence and Dean's abandonment issues.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, sorry this is a day late, I've been under the weather this week. However, I have a nice long chapter to make up for it. Its actually 2 chapters but I couldn't find a good place to cut it off and it seemed better as just one so I went with it. Next week will have a shorter chapter. I apologize that the chapter sizes seem to be all over the place. POVs are a bit crazy in this one too. I hope its not too confusing. I tried to fix it but then I lost some of what I was going for so left it alone. 
> 
> We pick up after a bit of a time jump (2 months). 
> 
> Once again thank you so very much for all the kudos and comments. They have motivated me to write two more chapters, out of order unfortunately, but at least they are getting written. 
> 
> See end for triggers.

“So what are we thinking Sam, a demon?” John asked as he rustled some papers. They were sitting at a table in another nameless motel. 

“Certainly looks like it.” Sam agreed with a frown. 

“What?” John asked. He loved this boy to death but sometimes Sam had a way of overthinking things.

“It just seems too easy.” Sam said. 

“So what, we go in, exorcise or kill the demon and go grab a beer.” John said dismissively.

“I guess.” Sam said but he was still frowning and not meeting John’s eyes.

“What’s up Sam?” John asked with a sigh. 

Sam looked up finally. “Dad, it's been two months. You said… You said it would be a month tops before Dean tracked us down and then things would be better. You said he would be so upset at being alone he would do anything to be with us again.” Sam said his voice cracking a bit and sounding defeated. 

“He’ll come around.” John said with conviction.

“You still think that?” Sam spat. “After all this time, after everything we have been hearing from other hunters.” 

John scoffed. “I’m sure that’s all exaggerated. I mean come on, Dean’s not that good a hunter to have done all the things these hunters are gossiping about.”

“Dad.” Sam said with a warning in his tone.

“You know I’m right.” John said. “Don’t worry, your brother will come crawling back to us like the little bitch he is soon enough.” John said as he drank another glass of whiskey.

“Don’t talk about Dean like that!” Sam ground out, and he grit his teeth when John just smiled. 

It really made Sam angry the way John talked about Dean and lately it had gotten worse. The longer they were apart, the more cutting his comments about Dean were. 

Sam kept hearing the hurt and pain in Dean’s voice when he asked why Sam never chose him. He heard it over and over in his head, had nightmares about it, and about Dean being killed on a hunt because he had no one to watch his six. Sam wished he never agreed to John’s great plan to get Dean to start acting like he used to. Sam was so blinded by all the praise and love he was receiving from John he’s ashamed to admit he would have agreed to anything John suggested. And now Dean was doing fine without them. He was causing a stir in the hunting community with successful hunt after successful hunt, even having killed a few monsters they never heard of before. 

Sam grimaced when he saw John fill his glass again, his eyes already slightly glassy from the alcohol. They were about to hunt a demon and John was well on his way to getting drunk. Sam was starting to see things in a whole new light. All the times Dean got hurt on hunts, was it because John was too drunk? Hadn’t planned enough? Used Dean for bait? 

“Come on son, let’s get this show on the road.” John saud while grabbing their bag of equipment and walking out the door. 

Sam paused a moment. He had a really bad feeling about this hunt, but then he followed his father without voicing his concerns because he didn't want to argue. When this hunt was done, Sam was going to convince John that they needed to go and find Dean and apologize, do whatever it took to get Dean back into the family because John’s tough love plan wasn’t working and damnit Sam missed his brother. 

________

Sam groaned as consciousness returned slowly, trying to lift his hand and failing, Sam’s eyes snapped open. John and Sam were both tied to chairs in the building they had tracked the demon to. Sam should have went with his gut when he said he had a bad feeling about this hunt because there wasn’t one demon here, there were about a dozen and before they even had a chance to fight back Sam saw John go down from a hit to his head and before he could even cry out Sam felt a sharp pain and blackness engulfed him.

“Finally awake.” A demon wearing a tall built guy, a yuppie type who according to all the muscles apparently spent a lot of time in the gym. 

“Let us go!” Sam demanded wriggling his hands and unfortunately not feeling any give in the rope.

Sam heard John groan as he woke up. They shared a look both thinking they were screwed. Sam turned back to the demon who was obviously the leader and glared. 

The demon chuckled. “So not exactly the Winchester I was hoping to catch but I think I can make this work.” The demon said.

“What do you mean?” Sam demanded. 

“I mean this whole setup was a trap.” The demon explained, but it was for your brother Sam, I could care less about you and daddy dearest over there. 

“What the hell do you want with Dean? You better not hurt him!” Sam snarled. 

“Oh please.” The demon said, waving his hand dismissively. “Like you care. Everyone knows how you two dumped poor Dean the first chance you got. I really don’t understand the level of devotion Dean has toward you Sam, you certainly never give any of it back.” And the Demon laughed loudly when Sam’s face went red in shame, not really able to dispute what the demon was saying.

“Don’t listen to him Sam.” John ordered. “Demons lie.” 

“Oh yes Sam we definitely lie, of course, when telling the truth causes more pain, that’s so much better.” The demon said with a grin.

Just then sounds and shouts could be heard outside. A demon wearing a fresh faced college kid rushed into the room. 

“Drake! We need to leave.” The demon yelled, sounding scared. 

Drake frowned at him. “Why the hell would we do that? And what’s with all that racquet.” Drake demanded.

The young demon was almost shaking with fear. “He’s here Drake and he’s already killed half our men. We need to leave.” 

Instead of looking nervous, Drake just grinned. “We’ve not going to leave you idiot, we have leverage. Just watch the prisoners.” He ordered. 

The young demon gulped and walked over to join the other two demons guarding Sam and John. Sam glanced at his father but John just shrugged. 

Sam was just about to ask what was going on when the door slammed open and Dean strode into the room looking furious. His gaze flicked over John and landed on Sam. Dean gave Sam a once over trying to determine how hurt he was. 

Sam drank in the sight of his brother. Dean had some cuts and bruises on him for he sure didn’t look like he had just fought off six demons. 

“Stop right there Dean.” Drake ordered and calmly put a knife to Sam’s throat. 

Dean froze. “Let him go.” Dean demanded. 

“Sure Dean, no problem.” Drake said amicably and all three humans started in surprise.

“Just do what I tell you and I’ll let daddy and your precious Sammy go, not another scratch on them.” The demon said.

Dean snorted in disbelief but stayed still waiting to see what the demon would do next. He watched as the demon waved to another one who took his place holding the knife to Sam’s throat and he sauntered over to Dean with a smug look on his face.

“Dean Winchester.” The demon smirked. “It’s so very nice to see you again.” He said in a pleasant tone the hate in his eyes didn’t match.

“Sorry do I know you?” Dean asked and enjoyed the way the demon scowled. 

“I’m Drake!” The demon spat out.

Dean just raised an eyebrow with a bored look on his face. “That supposed to ring a bell?” Dean asked, enjoying the way the demon’s face flushed red in anger. 

Dean thought hard and then his eyes lit up briefly. “Wait I remember you.” Dean said.

And Drake stepped forward, his face looking pleased.” Really?”

“Yeah.” Dean said. “You’re that guy from that thing.” Dean said with a chuckle. 

Drake backhanded Dean across the face in anger. “Think back to hell Dean.” Drake snarled. 

“Oh so you were a demon in hell with me? Huh, well you know, the demons all kind of just get blended up.” Dean said rolling his hands, thoroughly enjoying how angry the demon was getting. 

Drake was practically vibrating with rage. “I was the great master’s apprentice.” He yelled. “Before you came along and pushed me out.” Drake sneered. 

Now recognition did flash across Dean’s face and he snickered. “Oh okay, sure, you were the one who couldn’t even make a soul scream, a wanna be Alistair who didn’t have the juice.” 

“I had what it took.” Drake snarled as he ran his hands through his hair in agitation. “You took him away from me. You turned his head with your cocksucking lips and supernova soul and made him cast me out.” 

Drake reached over and grasped Dean’s shirt pulling him close so that their faces were almost touching. “And I’m going to make you pay for that.” Drake promised. 

They stood there toe and toe and then Dean jerked his arm upward in a speed not quite human and twisted out of the demon’s grasp, raising his blade to its throat. “Still not good enough.” Dean taunted and the other demons in the room snickered. 

Drake snarled at Dean with hate filled eyes but then smiled looking smug. “Put the blade on the ground Dean and kick it away or Sam gets it.” Drake threatened waving his hand to bring Dean’s attention back to Sam. 

Dean’s eyes flickered to Sam and seeing the demon holding the knife to his throat push on it creating a small trickle of blood causing Sam hiss in pain, Dean stepped back. “Fine.” He ground out. Dean dropped the blade and kicked it away. 

“Now what?” Dean gritted out his hands balled into fists. It was taking everything in him to just stand there and not do anything. When he first walked in and saw Sam he wanted to tear everyone apart for having the nerve to hurt his brother, but he played it cool because unfortunately the demons had the upper hand here. He didn’t care about himself but he couldn’t risk Sam getting hurt.

Drake composed himself straightening his clothes with his hands and getting that condescending smug look back on his face as he ordered. “Now you take off your jacket and shirts.” 

Dean opened his mouth to argue but heard a moan of pain when the demon twisted his hand in Sam’s hair and put his hands up in surrender. 

Dean glared at the demon while removing his 2 shirts and jacket wondering where this was going. He remembered Drake from the pit now. He was a huge thorn in Dean’s side once Alistair decided Dean was the end all of everything. Even before Dean left the rack, Alistair spent all of his time with Dean and then when Dean picked up the knife, Alistair made every demon know how superior Dean was to them. Drake caused such a ruckus that Alistair had banned him from the torturing areas and sent him deep into the pit. Dean was actually surprised he had made his way out. 

Dean finished and stood there waiting to see what the demon would do next and Drake waved two other demons over to Dean who both looked fearfully back at Drake looking reluctant. 

Rolling his eyes at the demons, Drake pulled a pair of heavy duty handcuffs from his jacket. He threw them at Dean and Dean caught them deftly. “Put them on.” Drake demanded. 

Dean felt his heart start to race thinking that things just got a little more serious here. He wouldn’t be able to break out of these and picking them would take precious time so he tried one last time to get the demon to lose its cool.

“Why don’t you let Sam and my dad go and come at me like a real demon.” Dean taunted. “One on one see who’s really better?” 

Drake’s face became red again and he actually looked like he was considering it until one of the other demons yelled at Drake. 

“Don’t even think about it Drake. Eye on the prize, remember how much he’s worth.” The demon wearing the college student said, and Dean frowned in confusion.

“You’re right.” Drake admitted to the demon and again ordered Dean to put on the cuffs. Dean sighed and started to cuff his hands in front of him.

“Ah ah ah.” Drake smirked. “Behind your back.”

Dean’s eyes narrowed dangerously but did as he was told after looking again at Sam whose eyes were wide in fear. Dean just shook his head no when Sam told him not to do it. 

After clicking them closed his arms now bound behind him Drake smirked over at Sam. “Really Sam was it ever a question that Dean would give himself up for you?” 

He waved again at the two demons to come closer, and feeling braver now that Dean was cuffed they each grabbed one of Dean’s arms to hold him in place. Drake picked up the fallen angel blade and approached Dean. He ran the tip of the blade down Dean’s face trying and failing to get a reaction. 

Shrugging because there would be time for making Dean scream later, once Drake killed the other demons who were hoping to get in on the prize and make Drake give Dean up before he was ready, he started to carve sigils into Dean’s chest. 

Dean grit his teeth as the blade sunk deep into his chest causing blood to run down in rivulets. 

“What are you doing?” Dean demanded.

“Just something to make sure you can’t call for help.” Drake smirked and finished with a particularly deep cut before stepping back to admire his work. He pointed at one. “That hides you from angels, see the room is warded but once we step out I need to make sure you can’t call your friend, although word is he dumped your ass too.” Drake snickered and enjoyed the flash of pain in Dean’s eyes before he got a hold of his emotions. 

Dean followed where Drake pointed and saw the sigil. He looked around and saw the other sigil on the wall and quickly scanned the room looking for anything to help and paused a beat when he saw a nail protruding from the wall near the door. 

“And the other one?” Dean ground out when Drake pressed into the cuts to cause Dean more pain when he didn’t respond fast enough.

“Oh that hides you from demons. Can’t have the so called king riding to the rescue. I have to say I was really surprised to hear about you two being so cozy. I thought Alistair would have been enough demon cock for your lifetime but I guess you're more of a slut than I thought.” Drake said snidely his eyes flickering to John’s. “Not surprising though given the way you were raised, isn’t that right John? 

Dean’s eyes widened in fear and Drake was pleased he finally got a response from him. Drake pushed Dean down to his knees and stepped close grabbing Dean’s hair. He looked over at John and smiled. “Is this getting you all hot and bothered Daddy Winchester?” The demon smirked. “Seeing Dean all chained up and down on his knees? 

“Fuck you.” John said as he struggled against the ropes.

Dean saw Sam looking between the demon and John, his face scrunched up in puzzlement. 

“Shut up!” Dean ordered trying to jerk his head out of the demon’s grip. 

Drake just grabbed tighter and shoved Dean’s face against his crotch. “I bet if I went over there right now Daddy would be sporting a hard on, what do you think Dean? Drake said laughing at the fear mixed with fury in Dean’s gaze.

“What the hell are you talking about?” Sam yelled, but his voice sounded confused and really young.

“Just ignore him.” John ordered and he shifted slightly glad for the loose T-shirt and flannel that covered up the fact that he did indeed have an erection. 

“Drake I mean it, cut it out.” Dean said flinching slightly at the look of anger but also lust in John’s eyes.  _ No, no, no, Sam couldn’t find out, and especially not this way. _ Dean screamed in his head. He grit his teeth and going against everything in him he looked into Drake’s eyes and said in a soft voice. “Please.” 

Drake smiled triumphantly, and pulled Dean up by his hair. 

“Stop messing around Drake.” The college boy demon said. “We need to leave before Crowley shows up. He’s worth too much to lose it because you want to mess with them.” 

Again Dean frowned at the mention of his worth. “What’s he talking about?” Dean asked.

Drake grinned. “Well Dean it seems Crowley’s not the only demon out there hot for a piece of Winchester ass. Someone else wants to get their hands on you really badly, and I’m more than happy to get the recognition and praise when I turn you in.” 

Dean just continued to stare at him confused and Drake rolled his eyes. “I forgot how dumb you actually are.” The demon sneered. “Abaddon, Dean.” Drake rubbed his hands together in glee as Dean’s eyes widened and his face paled at the mention of their queen. 

Angry at himself that he let his fear and surprise show to the cocky demon, Dean blanked his face quickly. “Okay I did what you want, you got me. Now let them go.” Dean demanded again. He would worry about this Abaddon thing later. Getting Sam safe was more pressing. 

Drake smirked and motioned for the two demons holding Dean to follow and they started to drag Dean out of the room. “As soon as we’re gone, kill them.” Drake ordered and he enjoyed the plea in Dean’s voice as he yelled. “No! We had a deal.” Drake just shrugged. “Take it up with the queen when you see her.” He snickered. 

Dean’s eyes flashed in fury and Drake saw a flash of red on Dean’s arm and wondered what that was.

Dean waited until they were close to the door and then started to fight back. He surprised the two demons and was able to buck them off him. Momentarily released, Dean pushed himself into the wall. He hissed in pain as he pushed himself up against the protruding nail forcing it into his skin and down breaking the angel sigil on his chest before Drake grabbed him and shoved him out the door. 

The demon’s eyes widened when he saw Dean’s chest and in the couple of seconds it took for Drake to realize what Dean had done, Dean prayed frantically. “Cas please, warehouse, 1250 Wakeford Road, save Sam, ple…” Was all he could get out before he felt a sharp pain on the back of his head and the world went black. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know another cliff hanger, I'm so bad (evil grin). 
> 
> I hope you like how Sam is finally starting to realize something is not quite right with John. 
> 
> Triggers include violence, non-con bondage, implied abuse, and non-con touching.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you all are safe and healthy. I have a shorter chapter for you tonight but I think you will be happy with the new arrival.
> 
> There is nothing really triggering in this chapter.
> 
> Once again thank you for the comments and kudos. I'm getting caught up to where I finished writing and knowing that people are still enjoying the story gives me the motivation to keep writing.

“Dean!” Sam yelled as he watched the demons pull Dean out of the room. He saw Dean try to fight back and plaster himself against the wall and before he could figure out what Dean was doing, he saw Drake strike Dean on the back of his head with the angel blade. Drake caught Dean as he lost consciousness and they disappeared. 

“No Dean!” Sam cried again, but then he felt a yank as the demon behind him pulled his head back and raised the knife. Sam closed his eyes preparing for the pain of the blade when the room lit up in a bright light. When it dimmed Sam opened his eyes and almost cried in relief when he saw Castiel. 

“Sam are you okay?” Cas asked as he flicked his fingers and released the ropes from John and Sam’s arms and legs. 

“Cas thank God! How did you...?” Sam started to ask.

“Dean prayed to me.” Cas said with a frown as he looked around and caught sight of Dean’s jacket and shirts on the ground. “What’s going on here Sam?” 

“Where’s Dean?” Cas and Sam asked each other at the same time. 

Sam’s heart started to race as dread filled him. “Cas where’s Dean? You saved him too right?” Sam asked as he frantically grasped Cas’ trench coat.

“Saved him? What are you talking about?” Cas said panic clear in his voice now. “Dean prayed to me to save you. He gave me the address and then the rest of his prayer was cut off.” 

Sam let go of Cas’ coat. His eyes were wide with fright and panic and he pulled at his hair. “He didn’t pray for you to save him too?” Sam asked, and the cold feeling in his stomach spread because Sam already knew the answer.

“Save him too? What is going on?” Cas demanded. “Where’s Dean!” 

“A demon took him.” John said and came up and put his hand on Sam’s shoulder in comfort. “Sam, it's okay, you're safe. Your brother wouldn’t have had time to call for himself and you. Dean did the right thing. Your safety comes first.” John said in a soothing tone. 

John startled when Sam’s head jerked up and his eyes were filled with anger. “What’s wrong Sam? Are you hurt badly?” John asked with concern. 

Sam heard Cas growl in anger at John’s words and he pushed his father’s hand off his shoulder. “This is your fault.” Sam sneered at his dad. 

“What are you talking about?'' John asked as he stumbled a bit from when Sam pushed him back. 

“This is your fault dad. You always say things like that. You expect Dean to give himself up for me and now he’s been taken, and I don’t know what Abaddon’s wants with him, and that demon has a personal grudge and he’s going to really hurt Dean.. and… and.. “ Sam rambled his eyes wild with concern. 

“Sam you’re upset. Just calm down.” John said. He tried again to reach out for Sam who flinched away and glared at him. 

“Calm down!” Dad, I’m not worth more than Dean. When are you ever going to realize that? Dean is so much better than all of us. You saw him! He killed six demons and only stood down and gave himself up because we were stupid enough to get caught.” Sam yelled. 

John just tsked. “Of course you're more important Sam don’t be ridiculous.” John said with conviction. 

Sam just gaped in disbelief at his father wondering how he had been so blind all of his life. Every stupid thing that Dean has done to keep Sam safe, selling his soul and constantly putting Sam before everything else, getting hurt protecting Sam and whatever the hell else Dean has done that Sam didn’t even know about, it all made so much more sense to him now that his father was here again. 

Sam was saved from saying anything else to his father when Crowley popped in.

“What the bloody hell is going on here?” Crowley demanded his gaze taking in the scene. “Where’s Dean?”

“None of your business you filthy demon.” John snarled but the other three just ignored him.

“Crowley, a demon took Dean.” Sam admitted his voice shaky, and then stepped back when Crowley’s eyes flared red.

“What do you mean a demon took Dean? How is that even possible? Dean wouldn’t have let himself be caught.” Crowley said and then narrowed his eyes. He looked at the chairs with the ropes hanging down and then looked at the cut on Sam’s neck.

“Oh just unbelievable!” Crowley said. “Let me guess you got yourself caught and Dean had to give up to save you?” The demon sneered. 

Sam just nodded, his throat tight with unshed tears and fear. 

Crowley turned to Cas who was glaring at John. “Hey Feathers. Snap out of it and use that bond you go on about and figure out where he is.” Crowley demanded. 

Cas tore his gaze from John and turned to look at Crowley. “I can’t feel him. It's been blocked.” Cas said and Sam explained the demon knew the blocking sigils. 

“So we basically have no way to track Dean?” Crowley yelled and threw his hands up in frustration and anger.

Three sets of worried eyes met as they each tried to think of a way to save Dean. Sam’s eyes widened when he saw Cas go from worried to thoughtful to determined. Wondering what the angel was thinking, he watched as he walked over to Dean’s jacket. Cas picked it up and started to go through his pockets.

“Cas what are you doing?'' Sam asked as he pushed his father back and shot him a glare of his own when John went to take the jacket away from Cas. Did you think of something?” He asked hopefully. 

“I am looking for Dean’s ph… oh here it is,'' Cas said as he pulled it out. He opened it and started clicking through Dean’s contacts. He nodded when he found what he was looking for and made the call. 

“I know a way to find Dean.” Cas responded when Sam and Crowley both stepped closer to him to see what he was doing.

“Wait what?” Sam questioned and then the line picked up and Sam heard the faint sound of a thick accent. “Oh no!” Sam growled. Fuck no!” He repeated, but Cas just turned slightly and ignored him.

“Brother good to hear from you. Have you changed your mind about coming?” Benny’s voice said through the phone.

“This is not Dean. It is Castiel.” Castiel said.

There was a second of silence before Benny demanded. “Why do you have this phone tweety bird? Where’s Dean?”

“Where are you? We need your help. Dean’s in trouble.” Cas explained and disappeared a second later.

“What’s going on?” John asked Sam, once more trying to place a hand on his shoulder, but Sam shrugged him off again. Sam crossed his arms and planted his best bitchface on. 

Crowley chuckled a bit causing Sam to glare at him. “Well it's a good idea.” Crowley said and raised his hands in a woah gesture at the dark look on Sam’s face. 

Just then Cas popped back in. 

“Woo wee, angel travel is just strange.” Benny drawled and Sam rolled his eyes. Benny looked at Sam and nodded and then grinned when Sam just glared at him. 

“Cas we don’t need him.” Sam said.

Now it was Castiel who rolled his eyes. “Sam what is the saying? “Stow your shit.” Cas said with air quotes. “Put your jealousy away, he’s our best shot at finding Dean.” 

Benny raised an eyebrow at the two and Crowley stepped forward. “Mr. Lafitte. It's a pleasure to meet you.” Crowley said as he put his hand out to shake Benny’s. “I’m…” 

“You’re Crowley.” Benny said before Crowlely finished and shook his hand back with a smile. 

Crowley raised a brow in question.

“Dean’s told me a lot about you,'' Benny explained. 

Crowley’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline in surprise. “Really, some good I hope?” Crowley snarked, but he couldn’t keep the gleeful look off his face that Dean had talked about him.

Benny chuckled. “You’d be surprised.” Was all he said. 

Benny turned toward John, his arm still out for a handshake. 

Cas stepped forward and introduced them. “And this is John Winchester.” Cas said 

Benny, in the process of extending his hand, froze and turned to Cas. “Dean’s father?” 

Cas just nodded.

John stepped forward and grasped Benny’s hand but then gasped as the vampire tightened his hold and yanked John forward causing him to stumble surprising everyone. 

“Dean told me a lot about you too.” Benny snarled as his fangs descended and he launched himself at John. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yes, I know, I'm an evil, evil person for leaving you with yet another cliffhanger. I couldn't help it, I just love how this chapter ends. 
> 
> Hint: We hear from Cas the next chapter. 
> 
> See you next week. I might post another chapter this weekend since this was short but no promises. If I can get another chapter written then I will. 
> 
> Again thank you for the comments and kudos.


	12. Chapter 12

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I'm sorry I'm late again. I was trying to fix this chapter. I have to be honest, its not my best and I'm really unhappy with it, but I'm not really sure how to fix it. It's probably because its mostly a narrative from Cas instead of a lot of dialogue but I've said many times before and I'll say again, I am not a writer. So I'm sorry for this, but I didn't want to keep you waiting any longer. 
> 
> Since I was a little late in posting and the chapter is not great, I added a small part of the next chapter to the end so that Dean wasn't missing from last chapter and this one. 
> 
> Nothing really triggering in this chapter. 
> 
> The kudos and comments have been so wonderful to receive. I'm so glad you all like the story, and I hope I can continue to keep your interest. I've rewritten most chapters and we are coming up on newly written ones so all mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Thank you again sincerely for the kudos and comments.

Castiel gritted his teeth when Benny told Crowley Dean had talked about him. He hated that Dean and Crowley were friends and he knew Crowley would jump at the chance of being more with Dean if that hadn’t already happened after Castiel left. 

Castiel felt horrible about hurting Dean and not being able to control all these new emotions he was feeling, but he just couldn’t forgive Dean for sleeping with someone when he promised. However, after the anger died down and Castiel replayed the scene over and over in his mind he knew he was missing something. It didn’t add up, but Castiel still had too many emotions running through him he didn’t know how to handle so he stayed away rather than risk hurting Dean again. But now Dean had been taken by a demon and Castiel was afraid he would never see him again, would never get a chance to say he was sorry and figure out what really happened that night. 

When Benny dropped his fangs and launched himself at John Castiel was shocked. What could Dean possibly have told him about John that would cause this kind of reaction? Castiel quickly pulled Benny away from John. He didn’t care for John but he knew he couldn’t let him hurt Dean’s father. Sam helped looking just as shocked. As they separated the two Sam went to his father to make sure he was okay and Castiel kept a hold of the furious vampire. His angel strength was the only thing preventing him from tearing out John Winchester’s throat. 

“Benny stop.” Castiel ordered. “What’s got into you! That’s Dean’s father.” To which Benny responded with another growl and lunged forward trying to break Castiel’s grip. 

“Oh for the love of…” Castiel heard Crowley say as the demon grabbed Benny and pulled him farther away from John. Sam had helped his father to his feet, and the two wisely stayed a good distance away.

Castiel frowned as he saw Crowley whispering urgently in Benny’s ear. Benny turned and stared at Sam and turned then back at Crowley with an incredulous look on his face. “How the fuck is that even possible?” Benny yelled and Crowley whispered something else. 

Benny swore under his breath but finally retracted his fangs and nodded his head and murmured. “Stupid fucking Winchester, always a goddamn martyr.” The vampire said it so softly Castiel was only able to hear it due to being an angel, and Castiel’s frown deepened. Benny smoothed down his coat and fixed his hat and then turned to Castiel and said. “Sorry angel.” 

Castiel opened his mouth to demand an explanation. He was obviously missing something important, something Crowley knew. But then Benny with a final glare at John just stalked over to the pool of blood on the floor where Dean’s coat was. 

Sam looked at Castiel in shock and anger, and his hand was going to the machete at his hip, but Castiel shook his head no and Crowley stepped between Benny and Sam with a glare at Sam. “Back off Moose.” Crowley ordered. “There are things you don’t know so just leave it.” Crowley threatened as he turned to meet John’s eyes. 

Surprisingly, John gripped Sam’s shoulder and said to stand down it wasn’t a big deal. That was completely out of character from what Castiel had seen of John so far so he could only surmise John didn’t want whatever Benny was upset about known either. 

_ “What in Father’s name was going on?” _ Castiel wondered. 

Crowley cleared his throat and snarked. “Well now that the excitement is over, let’s figure out a way to bring Dean home.” 

Castiel nodded and pushed the mystery of what happened aside since rescuing Dean was more important than anything. He watched Benny take a sniff of the blood. “Benny, how many miles are you able to track someone by their scent?” Castiel asked. 

Benny smirked as he rose giving Sam a challenging stare and when Sam didn’t make a move he relaxed slightly. “Well ordinarily I can track someone about 400 to 500 miles or so. But Dean, well he’s different.” Benny drawled. 

“What do you mean different?” Sam asked with a sneer and a glance at John for some input, but John was looking down with a slightly panicked look still on his face. 

“I mean…” Benny said as he took a step toward the Winchesters, and then put his hands out in an I’m cool fashion when Castiel and Crowley both took a step toward him. “No worries gentleman. “I’m calm.” Benny assured them. 

“So to answer your question Sam, I can track Dean for 1000 to 1200 miles give or take.” Benny said with a smirk. 

At that pronouncement, John’s head jerked up. His panicked look was replaced by a glower showing more of his personality than before and demanded to know why it was different with Dean.

A big smile came over Benny’s face as he responded. “Cause you see Papa Winchester, me and Dean are reallll close.” Benny drawled with a wink and John’s face reddened in rage and some other emotion Castiel couldn’t place and Sam’s face got red in anger. 

Castiel frowned in confusion as both John and Sam got really angry at that. Didn’t Sam already know how close Dean and Benny were? Castiel saw Crowley snort in amusement, and he once again felt like he was out of the loop. He hated that human emotion and innenundo were so foreign to him. 

Crowley announced he would take Benny and work their way outward while Cas, John and Sam went back to the motel. If this Drake is like your typical demon, they’re not too smart. If he planned this trap then more than likely he’s probably holed up pretty close. Crowley explained. “Oh and Sam make sure you bring baby.” Crowley added and Sam nodded. 

Castiel tensed as Crowley started to take charge and then on hearing his orders his eyes started to burn blue in fury. “No Crowley, I’m going with you and Benny.” Unfazed at his display of anger, Crowley just shook his head no. 

“Crowley.” Castiel warned through gritted teeth his eyes burning brighter. “I’m coming.” 

Not at all intimated Crowley just rolled his eyes and walked over to him. “Feathers I get it you want to find Dean but you know as well as I do that wherever he is will be locked up so tight against angels nary a feather will get in. 

Castiel’s eyes dimmed but he still opened his mouth to argue but Crowley just shushed him. “They are demons Castiel.” Crowley said surprisingly using the angel’s name and when Castiel looked at him he had a soft understanding look on his face instead of his typical sneer or challenge. “They can’t really ward against me getting in and they don’t know about Benny. We don’t want you stuck somewhere or blasted away when Dean is probably going to need you to heal him.” Crowley said softly. 

Anger still coursed through him and Castiel opened his mouth to argue but then tilted his head as Crowley’s words sunk in. He hated that Crowley was making sense and Castiel deflated in defeat as his eyes turned back to normal, and after a quick look at Sam who nodded at him in agreement with Crowley, Castiel said okay. 

“Alright then.” Crowley said as he slapped his hands together. He walked to Benny and placed a hand on his shoulder. “Let’s go find our boy.” And Crowley grabbed Benny and they vanished. 

Castiel watched them disappear and stood there staring at the spot the demon and vampire just were. He hated being sidelined especially when it came to Dean. Then his mind started to picture all the things that could be happening to Dean. Why didn’t Dean pray for Castiel to save him too or at least let him know he was in trouble along with Sam? Did he think Castiel wouldn’t respond if Dean prayed for himself? 

With that thought, Castiel’s grace fluttered in distress, because of course Dean would think that Castiel had not answered his prayers since their fight and he had no one to blame for that but himself, but Dean had to know he would come if it was life or death? It was probably just Dean putting Sam’s safety first Castiel tried to convince himself but he knew deep down he had a lot to make up for if... no when they found him. 

The angel was jerked away from his thoughts by Sam coming over. “You okay Cas?” He asked and Castiel nodded. 

“I’m just worried.” Castiel said. 

Sam nodded as tears sprang to his eyes. “I know me too, and it’s all my fault.” Sam said. “If I hadn’t been caught…”

John came up and put his arm across Sam’s shoulder. “Come on, son. It’s not your fault.” He said but Sam pushed his arm away. 

“Really dad cause we came in ill prepared and got captured and oh let’s not forget the only reason Dean was hunting alone was because we left him.” Sam sneered and John wisely backed away. 

Castiel jerked back in surprise at that announcement and felt even worse knowing that Dean had been alone these past few months. But seeing the youngest Winchester was spiraling, Castiel awkwardly patted his back. “We’ll find him Sam.” Castiel said, trying to reassure him.

Sam grabbed Castiel’s arm. “But Cas you don’t get it. That demon, he knew Dean from hell. This was just one big trap for him to get Dean and Dean just…” A sob escaped Sam and he pushed his fist into his mouth looking guilty and scared. “He.. just gave himself up for me even after….” Sam started to say and had to stop again. Sam tightened his grip on Castiel’s arm. “And this demon, Cas, he hates him and wants to hurt him and they said, they said they were going to give Dean to Abaddon.” Sam finished his voice a whisper as tears fell freely.

Castiel gasped in shock. “No, that couldn’t happen. She was too powerful, even more so than Castiel and Crowley.” But seeing the devastated look on Sam’s face, Castiel pushed his own panic aside and tried to smile. “She won’t get him either Sam, we will find him first. They won’t be expecting Benny to be able to track him. Don’t worry.” He murmured. 

And with one last pat Castiel pushed Sam out the door so they could get back to the motel and wait. 

____________

Dean was just coming to while being carried into a house. His head was killing him and his chest was burning and still sluggishly bleeding. Drake was carrying him over his shoulder and then without any warning he dropped Dean to the floor causing Dean to grunt in pain as his shoulder and hip hit the ground hard. 

_ “Motherfucker! _ ” Dean swore to himself keeping his eyes half mast. They didn’t realize he was conscious yet and Dean wanted to keep it that way for as long as possible to try to find a way out of this mess. Dean was worried about Sam and hoped Cas had gotten there in time. 

College boy from the warehouse and two other demons who were there looked surprised when six demons entered the room on their arrival. “Who are these guys Drake?” College boy asked a little nervously. “We never agreed to cut in anyone else on the deal.” 

Drake just shrugged and kept silent.

After realizing Drake wasn’t going to respond, college boy cleared his throat nervously. “So do we need to grab a human to bleed to make the call to Abaddon or are we just using Winchester’s blood?” He asked while pulling out a knife. 

“Yeah we’re gonna wait a bit on that.” Drake said with a smirk. 

“Wait for what Drake? We can’t take the chance he’ll get away or someone will come for him. We need to make the handoff now.” College boy argued and the other two demons agreed. 

“He’s not going anywhere, are you Dean?” Drake asked with a kick to Dean’s side. Dean’s eyes snapped all the way open and he glared at the demon who just chuckled. 

“Change of plans. I’m gonna hold onto him awhile. When I’m ready I’ll let you know and we’ll contact our queen then.” Drake said rather than asked.

“Hang onto him for a while! Are you nuts? No fucking way Drake. You know what I’ll make the call myself.” College boy said and turned to leave.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you.” Drake responded calmly. 

College boy turned around in anger. “Yeah why’s that?” He sneered.

Drake grinned. “Because you’re outnumbered.” Drake said and with a wave of his hand the six demons attacked the three and they were dead within minutes. 

Drake reached down and jerked Dean up from the floor, pushing his face right up to Dean’s and sneered. “Now that that’s taken care of, let’s have some fun getting reacquainted Dean.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, you'll are probably disappointed Benny didn't tear John a new one, but its too early in the story for all that, there's a lot more evil John coming up. Plus I want Cas and Sam to start thinking about things a bit, which Cas is already doing in this chapter. 
> 
> Sorry I left another cliffhanger, but it wasn't a totally unexpected one. Get ready for some hurt Dean in the next chapter. 
> 
> Thank you, see you next week!


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, so I'm a day late again. I apologize. There are only two more fully written chapters so hopefully I can get writing and stick to the schedule. I did have a breakthrough in how I wanted a pivotal part of the story to go and I have it written, which is a relief and totally motivated by your kudos and comments. I'm trying really hard to not leave you guys hanging while I finish writing. 
> 
> I know everyone was upset that Crowley and Benny let John go and didn't say anything. Crowley stopped Benny because he knew it is what Dean would have wanted and Benny realized that too so don't be too hard on them. Its also not how I want Sam to find out.
> 
> Thank you for continuing to leave kudos and comments. They are a bright spot in my day in this otherwise crazy world right now. I hope everyone is staying safe and healthy. 
> 
> So this chapter is full of triggers, please see end for notes. I will enclose the sexual stuff within *********** if you want to skip that or if you want to skip the whole chapter I will put a summary at the end. 
> 
> All mistakes are mine.  
> Thanks again and see you next week.

Drake pulled Dean into his bedroom. He hung Dean up by his wrists with his feet barely touching the floor. Dean tried and failed to squirm away from Drake’s wandering hands as he cut and tore the clothes off of Dean. 

And then the torture started. 

Drake had started right off with whipping Dean and then moved on to cutting up his chest and abdomen and his thighs. Dean was weak and dizzy from losing blood and he shivered in the cold room. Drake broke all of Dean’s toes and the jerking caused Dean’s left shoulder to dislocate. He was hit with a bat and suffered multiple broken ribs and probably a broken collarbone too if the pain was any indication. Drake lit a cigar and delighted in burning Dean over and over making Dean jerk away saying that he liked watching Dean dance. Dean finally lost consciousness as Drake choked him to the point of passing out for the sixth time. 

Dean was jerked back to consciousness by a vicious slap across his face. His chest and back were in agony as were his wrists and shoulders. “Stay with me Dean.” Drake said with another slap. “I remember you being tougher than this.” Drake said with a laugh.

“Fuck you!” Dean snarled as he pulled once again on his restraints to see if there was any give. The chains around his wrists were heavy but only a thick rope was used to attach them to the ceiling so he kept trying to find some give. And he hurt, he hurt everywhere but he was pissed too. This second rate demon had him by the balls and Dean wanted to kill him. 

Dean felt a weird buzz through his veins and his arm felt blazing hot. Dean glanced at the Mark on his arm that Crowley had manipulated him into getting. Cain had warned it came with a great burden, but Dean didn’t care as long as he would be able to kill Abaddon. He wasn’t even pissed that Crowley had set the whole thing up knowing beforehand that Dean would have to take on the Mark in order to use the blade. It didn’t matter. So what if this turned out to be a bad thing for Dean. What did Dean have to live for now anyway? His dad was alive and still tormenting him; he had no Cas; and once again he had no Sam. Even though Dean didn’t care at this point what happened to him, he sure as fuck didn’t want to give this two-bit wanabee any satisfaction. So Dean refused to show fear, tried to hide his pain and refused to give Drake the screams he wanted so badly to hear. 

Jolted out of his thoughts by a knife slashing across his cheek, Dean barely stopped the scream that wanted to explode out of him. “Pay attention to me!” Drake said.

“You sound like a teenage girl.” Dean snickered and tried to laugh but unfortunately it just came out like a gurgle. 

“Cute.” Drake said as he jerked Dean’s head up by grabbing the hair at the back of his neck. “I remember how well you took pain Dean.” Drake said his mouth right next to Dean’s. “I also remember how you screamed and begged when Alistair had his way with you.”

Dean tried to jerk his head but he was trapped. His eyes widened in horror at the demon’s words, and for the first time he started to be really afraid. “Don’t even think about it.” Dean threatened.

“Don’t think about it. That’s all I’ve thought about. Me and all the other demons in hell. We were all promised a turn when Alistair got tired of you. But the master never did even after you got off the rack, and then you got rescued. You didn’t deserve to be rescued and you didn’t deserve all of his attention.” Draked yelled his eyes bulging with anger.

Dean just snorted. “You’re delusional if you think I wanted his attention. But as for being rescued, well I’m not going to argue with you about that.” Dean said and almost smiled when Drake’s face reddened in rage. Dean was loving not being able to give him the reactions he wanted so badly from Dean. 

***********************************

Drake took a breath and calmed down and then smiled which made Dean nervous. He stepped behind Dean and Dean tried to turn to see what he was up to when without any warning he felt two fingers being brutally pushed into his ass. 

Dean couldn’t stop the scream as he felt like he was being split in two. “Ohh the little bitch finally squeals.” Drake said sounding delighted as he roughly thrust his fingers in and out, adding a third way too soon. Dean could feel blood dripping from him and he screamed again at a rough twist. Dean pulled down hard and his right arm started to burn again. He thought he felt a give in the rope but he wasn’t sure if he was imagining things. 

“So fucking tight Winchester. Gotta say I’m surprised considering how busy you’ve been, the angel, the so called King and oh yeah.” Drake said right up against Dean’s ear that he licked and whispered. “Daddy dearest.” 

Dean kept quiet and Drake chuckled. “Nothing to say? No matter.” Then Drake fiddled with the rope and Dean crashed to his knees so hard Dean was pretty sure one of his kneecaps cracked, but his arms remained chained above. 

“As much as I would love to finally feel those cock sucking lips around me, I don’t trust you.” Drake said and Dean panting through the incredible pain squinted in confusion. Unfortunately he figured out what Drake meant a few seconds later when the demon pulled his head back roughly from behind and before Dean could even think of clamping his mouth shut he inserted a ring gag. 

“Mother fucking asshole.” He tried to swear but it just came out all muffled and Drake laughed. Dean couldn’t stop the tears from falling as Drake pulled out his cock and shoved it down Dean’s throat. Dean struggled but he was held too firmly and could only take it when Drake started to roughly fuck his face.

“Oh yeah that’s good Dean. Your mouth is perfect. I’m gonna keep you here for a long time.” Drake said as he moaned in pleasure. “Chained to my bed. Gonna make you pay for taking the master away from me.” Drake moaned again and Dean choked and gurgled as hot cum shot down his throat. 

**************************************

Drake sighed and tucked himself away with a look of pure pleasure on his face from the look of despair and hurt Dean couldn’t hide any longer. Drake pushed a short dildo through the ring gag and locked it into place and then patted Dean’s head like a dog. He then yanked the rope back up so that Dean was hanging off the ground by a few inches. His dislocated shoulder had pain shooting down his arm for a second and then that arm went numb while the other side almost dislocated as all of Dean’s weight pulled at his bleeding torn up wrists. 

Drake picked up Dean’s belt from the floor and started to whip Dean’s ass with all his demon strength behind every whack. Dean screams were muffled and his eyes were rolling. On the verge of passing out Dean cursed the fact that Drake was such a hack. He shouldn’t have let Dean lose this much blood if he intended on keeping him around and now Dean was afraid he wouldn’t be able to hold out. 

Dean shook his head slightly trying to clear his vision when his eyes caught movement from the doorway. Dean saw a flash of something moving faster than any human as the being barreled into Drake tackling him to the floor. 

Dean looked on in disbelief as Benny quickly rolled to his feet. He glanced at Dean and his face darkened and fangs descended as he saw how badly Dean was hurt. 

“Benny!” Dean tried to call out but with the gag it just sounded like benmmhuy. Then all the demons rushed into the room. Four of them tore Benny off Drake and started fighting him, and Dean saw one demon smoke out as his throat was ripped apart by the vampire. 

Dean didn’t even see Crowley arrive. He was so focused on watching Benny fighting but he turned and saw Crowley surrounded by Drake and the rest of his demon pals. Crowley was holding his own but he is not as strong now that he is cut off from hell and he was outnumbered.

Dean watched in horror as everything seemed to be in slow motion as the three demons fighting Benny got the upper hand and the angel blade Benny was fighting with was flung out of his hands and it landed a few feet from where Dean was hanging. They were forcing Benny to his knees as one pulled out a large knife. 

“No, no, no, no!” Dean screamed and he turned to look at Crowley to get help but he too was looking like he was going to lose. Dean saw Benny try to squirt one of the demons with a water gun, Dean’s from the look of it, but that too was tossed aside. 

Dean struggled and pulled and he felt a red hot surge of power building up mostly centered on his arm and with a push from the power and a hard pull from Dean’s right arm he felt the rope give and Dean crashed to the floor his scream of pain muffled. Shocked but not wasting a second Dean tried to get up but he was too injured and had lost too much blood and every movement he made caused agony throughout his body. 

Grunting with effort Dean rolled over to the angel blade. He picked it up with his right hand as the left one was useless with the shoulder out of socket. He locked eyes for a second with Benny who looked resigned as the demon with the knife raised it up but before he could swing down and remove Benny’s head Dean flung the demon blade which landed in the center of the demons back. Its flickering death was all the distraction Benny needed as he jerked himself free and pulled the angel blade out of the dead demon and started to fight the remaining two.

Dean crawled forward a little bit and finally was able to grab the water gun and he flopped on his back moaning in pain. His left arm was still useless but Dean raised the water gun with his right hand and his arm shaking he started shooting heads or faces of the demons attacking Crowley. Crowley saw what Dean was doing and grinned as the demons started to scream and burn from the water and just like that Crowley was in control. 

Out of water and out of energy Dean could only lie there, his body broken and bleeding. The fight didn’t last much longer and Dean felt Benny gently lift his head into his lap as he called his name. Dean struggled to open his eyes and moaned in relief when Benny tore the gag off him. Crowley knelt down next to him. 

“Squirrel, hang in there okay, gonna get you healed up.” Dean just shook his head cause he didn’t care but he had to know first so he grabbed Crowley’s sleeve. “Sam?” He croaked out. 

“He’s fine.” Crowley said and Dean started to drift then whimpered as he was jostled slightly. 

“Come on brother, stay with us.” He heard Benny say but it sounded really far away and Dean let the blackness take him over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers for violence, torture, suicidal thoughts, sexual assault (anal), forced oral sex.
> 
> Dean gets tortured by Drake but at first refuses to scream not wanting to give him the satisfaction, but then Drake starts sexually assaulting him and Dean finally screams. Benny and Crowley arrive and start to lose the fight. Dean gets loose with the help of the Mark and helps them turn the tide before passing out.
> 
> Another nasty cliff hanger, sorry I can't help myself (evil grin).


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you all are healthy and safe. I am so very sorry for being late this week. I waited until the last minute to edit the chapter and then realized it was really short. So then I started to add to it and it ended up three times the size it was, but I am finally happy with it after multiple edits. Since it was a last minute write it probably has some mistakes but I didn't want you guys to have to wait any longer. Three different point of views here. I hope you like it. 
> 
> Also, I am completely floored by all the kudos and comments, and I started to get nervous and over thing things worried that my ideas for the rest of the story will disappoint some people, but I have to go with my vision and hope for the best. So far its been liked and I hope it continues to be. You all are so awesome and supportive! 
> 
> I think we are a little over halfway now, but its not clear since I still have chapters to write. 
> 
> The next chapter is almost done so I won't wait a week and will post on Sunday to make up for being late this week. I may have to extend the posts as we get closer to parts I have not written but I have three chapters that just need to be edited right now. 
> 
> I'm on my work computer this evening so I will reply to comments tomorrow. I'm sorry again that people have to wait so long for a response from me. I'm going to try to answer them quicker from now on because I so appreciate every single one of them. Also on that note, when we had the maintenance I didn't get a lot of notifications so if I missed a comment I am very sorry. I try to go back and check but sometimes things get missed. 
> 
> Okay enough babbling. Not a lot of triggers here, please see end for notes.

Crowley saw Dean’s eyes roll back as he lost consciousness, his heart only sluggishly beating. Pushing aside the panic he was feeling at the sight of Dean, Crowley growled. “That flying pigeon better be there.” And snapped them back to the motel. Minutes later that felt like weeks Dean was healed up and five sets of eyes watched anxiously as Dean’s long lashes fluttered and a collective gasp of relief was heard when he opened those beautiful green eyes. 

“Heya fellas.” Dean said, sounding surprised to find himself alive as he looked around the room at everyone. 

“Dean!” Sam croaked out the stark fear on his face morphing into a huge relieved smile as he grabbed his brother and hugged the breath out of him. 

“Dude!” Dean groused trying to squirm free. “Kind of naked here Sam.” Dean muttered. 

Crowley huffed a laugh and glanced up catching the look of possessiveness and lust on the older Winchester’s face as his slimy gaze roamed over Dean’s naked body. With a snap Crowley had Dean dressed and covered up and he almost laughed at the look of fury on John’s face. 

“Are you guys okay?” Dean asked trying to look at everyone at the same time his gaze lingering on Sam. 

"Yeah Dean, Cas got there in time." Sam said the look on his face a mixture of remorse and gratitude. 

"Thanks Cas." Dean murmured and the angel nodded.

“It’ll take more than a couple of demons to take me out brother.” Benny answered with a smirk. 

“Ditto.” Crowley said and raised his glass at Dean, and his black heart fluttered as Dean smiled at him. “But thanks for the assist Squirrel.” Crowley added. He was amazed that Dean had managed to help turn the direction of the fight strung up and barely alive.

“Yeah brother, but I should know by now to expect the unexpected from you”. Benny said with fondness. “I thought I was a goner there for a minute, fuh-shaw.” 

Dean just shrugged but Crowley’s eyes narrowed as a look of uncertainty flashed across Dean’s face and he put his left hand on top of the Mark. Crowley met his eyes with a question but Dean just gave a small shake. 

_“Bullocks!_ ” Crowley cursed horrified when he recognized the weird sensation in his stomach as guilt. He was the bloody king of hell; he shouldn’t be feeling guilt over a tiny, well okay not exactly tiny, manipulation on his part especially if it got him what he wanted. 

Pushing the unwanted feeling down, Crowley sat back and sipped his Craig. He smiled as Dean tried to keep the vampire from cuddling him and watched with delight the accompanying blush that made Dean’s green eyes bright when the vampire won, eyes that reminded Crowley of rolling hills and brilliant emeralds. _“And oh just great, I’m a bloody freakin poet now.”_ Crowley said mentally slapping himself upside the head. “ _Friggin Winchester making me feel all these feelings!”_

Crowley didn't know how he ended up here, surrounded by a vampire, an angel who most days he wanted to pluck clean and deep fry and two hunters - one of which had wormed his way past his defenses to become the single most important person in Crowley’s life. 

His smile fled when he caught the look on John’s face before the hunter turned and stalked out of the room. Crowley wanted nothing more than to tear that bastard apart and subject him to the most severe torture a tortured soul is tortured with in hell, and Crowley once again cursed Dean for always putting that brat of a Moose before everything. 

Crowley has been tempted more times than he could count to feed daddy dearest to a hell hound, grab Dean and leave everything behind, but Dean wouldn't want that and somehow that became more important than Crowley's selfish desires. He didn’t want to betray Dean and go against his wishes, and Dean would never allow Abaddon to take over the world nor be separated from Sam and feathers. 

However, if that despicable abusive piece of bloody garbage does one more thing than all bets are off. Crowley will do whatever it takes. Nothing was more important than keeping his Dean safe, not Castiel, or Sam or even his bloody throne.

______

John sneered as he watched the monsters all fuss around Dean who was lying on the bed, his top half in the vampire’s lap who was sitting up with his back against the headboard. After the demon and vampire brought Dean back John was horrified at how badly Dean had been hurt. “What an amateur that demon must have been.” John thought, but he admitted to himself that he was scared. He didn’t want to lose Dean now that he was back. He might have miscalculated in his plan to get Dean to come around and behave again, but John always learned from his mistakes. He was thankful for the first time that the angel was around when he quickly healed Dean. 

Then the demon with a snap of his fingers had Dean dressed and covered up with a blanket hiding all that gorgeous skin from John’s gaze which infuriated him, and then the vampire sat on the bed and pulled Dean half into his lap. Dean struggled a bit and kept batting away the vampire’s hands and John went to move forward, his hand going for his knife when Benny exclaimed “Quit it cher.” And Dean huffed a laugh and let himself be hugged. The thought of that undead thing with his hands on his property made John’s blood boil. 

He looked around the room and it was incredible and sickening at how low his son had fallen and even worse was that he had pulled Sam right along with him. There was a vampire, a demon, the King of Hell no less, and an angel all hovering around his son like he was the second coming. John knew how addicting it felt to be balls deep inside his too beautiful son but this was ridiculous. John wouldn’t even be surprised if Death himself showed up. And Sam his perfect son was grinning at something the angel said, perfectly comfortable sitting among monsters. It was wrong on way too many levels and entirely Dean’s fault.

John studied the monsters. Benny would be easy to get rid of. He was just a vampire and John has been killing them for decades. Plus Dean apparently broke the golden rule and blabbed to the monster so killing him was a given. The demon could be trapped with a devil’s trap and the angel kept away with warding but that wasn’t permanent enough for John. 

Well they weren’t around Dean 24/7 and he just needed to get to Dean and train him again. John discretely adjusted himself as he hardened thinking about all the lessons he would be teaching his wayward son in order to gain back his blind obedience, but first he needed more information, more spells, more sigils and a way to permanently remove those two. 

Without all those allies around him, John knew he would get his perfect little soldier back and boy was he going to enjoy himself in the process. Turning away from the nauseating display, John grimaced at the thought of the call he needed to make, and once again blamed Dean for having put him in this predicament. 

______

Dean shivered as he felt John’s gaze boring into him as he let himself be held by Benny, but Dean just ignored him. He needed the comfort. Everything that Drake had done to him flashed in his mind and Dean could feel the rough fingers jamming inside his body and he had a flash of a motel room, John and his hands handcuffed to a bed. _"What the fuck was that!_ Dean wondered but then the fleeting memory or nightmare slipped out of his mind. 

Dean knew his father must be furious to see Dean cuddled up to a monster, but he didn't care. There had been many nights in purgatory where things had been so bleak or Dean had been really hurt and Benny offered him comfort like this. After Dean finally stopped fighting him, it had helped him survive purgatory until they found Cas. 

Dean tightened his arms around the vampire when he thought about how he almost watched Benny get his head chopped off. Benny looked down in concern. 

“Cher?” Benny whispered. 

Dean just shook his head and Benny tightened his hold on Dean. 

Dean looked again at Crowley relieved that he was okay. The past couple of months Dean had spent a lot of time with Crowley and he was surprised to admit that he enjoyed himself. The demon kept Dean from falling into a black hole of despair at losing Cas and his family and Dean smirked to himself remembering a very drunk Crowley going on about the Misadventures of Crowley and Squirrel. 

Dean glanced once again at Cas through his eyelashes to catch Cas staring at him, and Dean sighed and felt his eyes get wet when the angel turned away. _"Get a fucking grip."_ Dean told himself. He needed to hold it together, push everything into a corner of his mind to be dealt with later. Once again he felt Cas’ gaze on him but every time he turned to look Cas turned away and in turn Dean continued to take every opportunity he had to stare at the angel. God he had missed him so much. 

Dean heard John leave the room in a huff and glanced at Crowley who had a murderous look on his face and frowned. 

“Dean, do you want something to eat or drink?” Sam asked, his face still pinched with guilt. 

“I’m fine Sam.” Dean said, shaking his head. 

Sam gave a jerky nod and sat back down on the other bed, and judging by Sam's hangdog face, he was itching to talk about feelings, but Dean sure as shit was not ready for that. It didn’t matter anyway because Sam had made his choice when he left Dean again, and that was all there was to it Dean tried to convince himself as he pulled his walls up. Sam gave him some puppy eyes when he saw Dean’s face close up, but he must have realized Dean wasn’t going to want to talk about anything now so he too left the room. 

That just left Crowley, Benny, Cas and Dean and it quickly became uncomfortable with Dean continuing to look away when Cas would turn to look at him and Cas doing the same when Dean turned to him. Then finally Cas caught Dean’s eyes and opened his mouth like he was going to say something and Dean’s heart started to race in anticipation of the angel talking to him but then Cas closed his mouth and averted his eyes obviously changing his mind. Crestfallen Dean stared at the bed trying to control his emotions and stop himself from pleading with the angel to forgive him and give him another chance despite how obvious it was that Cas still didn’t want anything to do with Dean. 

With an eye roll at the tension between Dean and Cas, Crowley walked over to the angel and slapped him on the back. “Come on feathers, we have some clean up to do.” Cas looked relieved at having an acceptable reason to leave, which hurt and with an “of course” from the angel, Crowley gave Benny a look to convey for him to take care of Dean to which the vampire nodded, and they disappeared.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> fuh-shaw - that's for sure
> 
> John thinks about sex with Dean and hurting him in the future and Crowley briefly references the abuse in his thoughts about John. 
> 
> See you Sunday. Thank you!


	15. Chapter 15

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, we'll here is the chapter I promised and as a surprise I have another one too. Its kind of a continuation of this but since very little action has happened I wanted to give you another one. I also found a chapter I wrote that I had completely forgotten about so that was a nice surprise and put my chapter count ahead one. Next week will probably be on the shorter side, I will have to see how the editing goes. 
> 
> Not a lot of triggers in this one. 
> 
> Thanks once again for the kudos and comments and please keep them coming. I love hearing from everyone.

“What’s going on with you and tweetie bird?” Benny asked not having missed the tension between the two and the lack of touch or conversation. 

Dean sighed as he got up and grabbed a beer. He took a long draw and then plopped down in the chair. 

“I messed up Benny. I really hurt him.” Dean admitted softly, pain clear on his face. 

“What happened Dean? I can’t see you willingly hurting him.” Benny said.

“I didn’t willing, or maybe I did, at least I don’t think I did, but maybe I did, I don’t know.” Dean said with tears springing to his eyes as Cas’ hurt looked flashed in his brain.

“Want to run that by me again, cher.” Benny said, confused.

“We agreed to date and take things slow, but then I cheated on him, or at least I think I did, but it might have been John, I don’t know. Regardless, I hurt him Benny, really bad.” Dean explained.

Benny snorted looking even more confused. “Brother you’re not making a lick of sense and what does that dirt bag of a father have to do with it?” 

Dean told Benny what happened, how he didn’t remember, how he thought it might have been John but how things didn’t add up so he couldn’t be sure and that he couldn’t risk hurting Sam if he wasn’t sure. 

“Okay…” Benny said with a thoughtful look on his face. “What I don’t understand is why didn’t Cas help you remember? Couldn’t he use his angel mojo?” Benny asked trying to remain calm while the thought of John drugging Dean and doing who knows what else made him regret not tearing his throat out earlier. 

“Well, he kinda took off after ….” Dean stopped himself knowing how the vampire would take Cas hitting him.

“After what?” Benny prodded picking up on the fact that Dean was trying to hide something.

“It’s nothing Benny. Doesn’t matter. I deserved it.” Dean said.

“Deserved what?” Benny demanded. 

“Look Cas is just learning how to deal with his emotions, it’s all new to him. So what if he punched me a few times. I cheated on him. I deserved that.” Dean explained. 

“That mother fucking sack of soon to be pillow filling.” Benny swore his fangs descending in his anger. 

“Benny calm down. It’s okay. Really. You can’t imagine what it is like for him to have to deal with all this stuff we are just used to.” Dean said, trying to calm the vampire down.

After a few breaths Benny calmed down enough and Dean relaxed. “It’s really not Dean.” Benny said. “And why didn’t he help you remember later.” Benny asked. 

“Well he hasn’t you know answered.” Dean admitted getting choked up at the memory of all the times he prayed to his angel, and once again Benny’s fangs descended. 

“So what, he ignored your prayers just like he did in purgatory! What the hell Dean!” Benny yelled. 

Dean just deflated. He understood Benny being upset, but he didn’t understand. Benny didn’t know Cas the way Dean did. “Look he answered when it really mattered to save Sam and he stayed around and healed me. So just chill okay.” Dean said softly and he suddenly felt exhausted again. “I’m the one who screwed up. Not Cas.” Dean said as a lone tear slid down his cheek.

“Dean you don’t know if you screwed up, that’s the point.” Benny started but Dean just waved a hand to make him stop.

“I know you don’t like him Benny but I. Hurt. Him. It's fine. I’m fine.” Dean insisted as he walked to the window and looked out at the parking lot.

“You need to tell him everything Dean. Otherwise he won’t understand.” Benny urged Dean.

Dean thought about that, had in fact been thinking about it a lot, but Dean was scared that if he came clean to Cas about John and everything from his childhood then Sam would find out. “I can’t do that to Sam.” Dean said watching John and Sam come out of the room and stop at John’s truck.

Frustrated at his friend always putting Sam in front of everything, most especially himself, Benny slammed his hand on the table making Dean jump. He turned to look at the vampire as his brows shot up in surprise. “Enough already. I couldn’t believe it when Crowley told me Sam didn’t know and you wouldn’t want me to say anything, but you need to put your happiness first Dean. You can’t keep doing this.” Benny said in a slight pleading tone. 

Dean wondered if Benny was right and he turned back to look outside and John and Sam had their heads together talking about something that looked important and John said something and the biggest brightest smile bloomed across Sam’s face and he hugged John. 

Stomach sinking, Dean knew he couldn’t break apart Sam’s world just for his own selfish needs. He just shook his head sadly and sat down on the bed. 

Benny growled in anger and Dean tensed up so Benny forced himself to calm down and sat down next to Dean. “Dean.” Benny said and Dean just shook his head. 

“Enough Benny. I blew it okay. My one chance at happiness and I messed it up like I mess up everything. And I’m not going to hurt Sam on top of that when I don’t even know for sure if John did anything” Dean choked out as more tears ran down his face. 

Benny sighed and pulled Dean into a hug. After Dean calmed down, Benny changed the subject. “Cher, you know he’s not your only chance at being happy. You can be with someone else.” 

Dean just scoffed at the idea. Cas was the only one he wanted to be with and the only one who would put up with Dean. Dean hadn’t exactly had good luck with relationships and wanting a quick fuck with a stranger didn’t mean someone actually wanted to be in a relationship with him. 

“Don’t scoff at me Winchester.” Benny retorted. How such a smart guy could be so oblivious Benny wondered. He had long since put away the hope he had about him and Dean when he saw Dean with the angel and then Dean became his family and that was enough for Benny now. 

“What about Crowley? He already knows everything, and that demon seems mighty smitten.” Benny said with a smirk.

“Crowley!” Dean said surprised. Yeah the demon flirted a lot but they were just friends. “No man, we're just friends.” 

Now it was Benny who scoffed again amazed at how clueless Dean could be sometimes. “Maybe, but he certainly wants it to be more.” Benny stated with certainty having recognized the look in the demon’s eyes.

“Yeah you’re seeing things that aren’t there.” Dean answered and then he cursed himself as more tears filled his eyes at the thought of being with anyone other than his angel. 

Seeing how sad Dean had gotten again Benny tried to lighten things up. “Come on now brother, don’t you want to be a queen? I mean I can definitely see you as a queen.” He joked and chuckled at Dean’s expression. 

“Not funny Benny.” Dean said. After a beat Dean’s head jerked up an offended expression on his face. “Hey wait a minute, what makes you think I would be the queen?” Dean groused which just caused Benny to laugh harder and Dean to frown. 

After another beat or two of silence, Benny got serious again. “You know cher you can come stay with me. I would love the company and you know Elizabeth loves you.” 

“Elizabeth!” Dean said with a shocked and guilty expression. “OMG Benny the wedding! Did you miss it?” 

“Whoa brother, relax.” Benny said, putting his hands out. “It’s tomorrow.” 

“But the rehearsal dinner.” Dean said getting up and pacing in agitation. “Benny what are you doing still here?” 

“Dean helping you was more important. Elizabeth understands.” 

Dean just stared at Benny a minute as guilt flooded his system. He wasn’t worth Benny missing out on his whatever the hell many great granddaughter’s wedding. “Benny I’m so sorry.” Dean said but Benny just shook his head. 

“You have nothing to be sorry for brother you know I will always come when you need me.” And Dean overcome with emotion gave him a hug. “I know Benny, I can always count on you. Thank you.” Dean said choking up a bit.

“So what time does it start?” Dean asked. 

“In an hour, Dean, but don’t worry. It’s really okay. I won’t make it back in time. I want to help you Dean.” Benny said.

“You did help. You saved my bacon once again in fact and now I’m fine.” Dean said and then pulled out his phone and texted, choosing to ignore Benny’s doubtful look.

A minute later Crowley popped into the room. “You called my queen.” Crowley sassed then frowned in confusion when Dean turned beet red and Benny let out a loud laugh. 

“Don’t.” Dean demanded pointing at Benny. Then turned to Crowley with a scowl. “Really Crowley?” He complained his face still pinked up in embarrassment. 

“Just a joke Squirrel, but that blush is very stunning on you.” Crowley purred with a wink at Benny who laughed again when Dean turned red all over again. 

With another pointed look at Benny, Dean chose to ignore the flirtatious comments and turned to the demon. “Crowley, would you please return Benny home? His granddaughter is getting married.” 

“Of course Squirrel.” Crowley said walking up to the vampire and putting a hand on his shoulder. 

“Dean you sure you’re okay. I can stay or you can come with.” Benny said worried now, all joking put aside. 

“Benny I’m not up for that right now and Elizabeth wanted it to be just family.” Dean held up a hand to stop Benny from arguing about that statement. 

“But your dad Dean, I should stay.” Benny argued. 

“No Benny, I’m not going to be responsible for you missing that, plus aren’t you in charge of the diner while they are on their honeymoon? So just no, go and have fun and give Elizabeth a big hug for me okay.” Dean ordered. 

“And thanks again, both of you, for coming for me.” Dean said sincerely and now it was Crowley’s turn to blush and Benny muttered “only a friend my ass” under his breath before they both disappeared. 

After Benny left Dean took a long scalding shower trying to erase the feeling of Drakes hands on and in his body and the dirty wrong feeling from John’s intense stare before he finally left the room after Dean had been healed. Shivering despite the hot water at the thought of John, Dean rubbed his skin until it was red. Suddenly exhausted from his ordeal and being healed and then the emotions Benny brought up, Dean barely managed to pull on a T-shirt and boxers before falling on the bed and into a deep sleep. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to leave a note here that I do not think it is okay for a partner to hit another and I wrestled with this chapter a bit because Dean is so nonchalant about Cas hitting him. However, Cas loves Dean and it really is a case of where he just doesn't know how to handle his human emotions and acted wrongly, to which he feels very guilty as we found on last chapter. There is a fine line here and I hope I haven't offended anyone. I believe it is canon with the show that it happened but it is not okay. Teaser: Someone will be talking to Cas about it soon too.
> 
> Only triggers are mentions of possible non-con.


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi well here is the second chapter for this week. I will most likely not post until next Sunday. 
> 
> This chapter is a rough one and has tons of triggers, see end for notes. I will put a summary at end if you want to skip. 
> 
> I hope everyone is staying healthy and safe. Again I so appreciate the support you have shown me and this story with all the comments and kudos. Have a great week everyone!

Dean moaned in his sleep as he felt the hands of his angel under his T-shirt caressing his skin. His body hummed in pleasure as the hands smoothed over his chest and ribs. Dean felt a frisson of unease, which melted away when Cas started to nip and suck at the sensitive points of his neck. Dean allowed his angel to lift the T-shirt from his body leaving him in only boxers and he again frowned at the feeling that something was off. 

“Wait.” Dean sleep talked and Cas just shushed him as his hands continued to caress his skin. Dean felt the rough material on Cas’ leg rub against his and there was something not quite right about the roughness of the denim against his bare legs and more unease swept through Dean.  _ “Why was his angel wearing jeans and not his usual suit pants?” _

Still deep in the throes of sleep, Dean was once again distracted by the feeling of fingers swiping across his sensitive nipples and Dean moaned as they pinched and rolled his sensitive nubs. Cas’ mouth was warm and moist as he suckled at a nipple and Dean sighed as he felt hands stroke down. 

Cas started to pull off his boxers with rough jerks, and Dean was confused at the uncharacteristically bold and rushed movements of his angel. He felt the angel push his legs apart and crawl between them preventing Dean’s legs from closing. The feeling of wrong, wrong, wrong returned as Dean almost fully woke up but then a warm hand stroked his cock and Dean moaned again. Dean started to respond to the gentle stroking and relaxed back into sleep again. Dean hadn’t had a dream about his angel in awhile and he wanted to stay asleep as long as possible to enjoy it. 

But then the stroking became rougher and once again Dean felt wrong and dirty and wanted to push Cas away. In all his dreams in the past Dean always pulled Cas as close as possible, their bodies meshing together perfectly so why did Dean now have the overwhelming desire to push Cas away instead of tug him closer? 

Dean heard a dark chuckle that didn’t have the usually gravel-like deepness and a spike of fear followed quickly by a wave of revulsion swept through him. Dean struggled to wake from his dream state and tried to push Cas away, but his wrists were grasped tightly and yanked above his head. “No.” Dean whispered feeling as if he was caught in a nightmare instead of a dream. His body was now cold and he shivered with fear instead of arousal. His unease subsided slightly as he felt a hard cock press up against his own. Dean found himself bucking his hips at the friction and sighed at the feel of his angel against him. Wanting more, Dean whispered “Cas” only to be violently brought to wakefulness by a vicious slap to his face. 

Wide shocked eyes flew open to stare into brown and not blue. “What?” Dean stuttered as he tried to pull his arms up but they were still grasped in John’s hand. John was using most of his upper body weight to pin Dean’s hands to the bed and Dean couldn’t pull them free. 

“Don’t call that monster’s name when you are with me Dean.” John snarled backhanding Dean again with his free hand. 

Dean’s eyes blurred with tears and pain when he realized it wasn’t Cas touching him in his dream it was John in real life and now Dean found himself in a vulnerable position. “Mother fucker!” Dean yelled as he tried unsuccessfully to twist out of John’s grasp. John just grinned and twisted one of Dean’s nipples viciously making Dean yelp in pain. 

“Come on Dean. You were moaning like the two bit whore you are just a moment ago. Just relax.” John cajoled his eyes blown with lust. Dean watched as they darkened. “It’s been too damn long son.” John growled out as he once again twisted a nipple in anger. “I’m tired of fucking waiting for you to get your shit together Dean. Enough is enough.” 

Dean shook his head trying to clear the slight fog from the hits to his face and being jerked out of sleep, and started to struggle harder. John gave Dean an evil grin as he quickly pulled his jeans and underwear down to his thighs. At the feel of John’s skin against his, Dean planted his feet and used his legs to try to buck John off. John didn’t budge but the movement caused John’s cock to fall down to rest against Dean’s ass. 

“No!” Dean screamed again but John just laughed punching Dean’s jaw, this time hard enough for Dean to see stars. Taking advantage of Dean’s confused state, John let go of Dean’s wrists and lifted him up by his thighs pulling Dean closer. Dean heard a roaring in his ears as horror and panic rose up in him. Tears started to run down Dean’s face as he felt John’s cock pressing at his entrance and John’s smiled widened when he noticed. 

Dean’s eyes were wide with pain and shock. He tried to hit John but there wasn’t much force behind it given his position but it still pissed John off who growled and put his hands on Dean’s shoulders pressing down with all his weight to keep Dean in place. “Stay still you fucking bitch!” John ordered and then started to thrust his cock against Dean seeking entrance. Dean panicked and struggled as much as he could while pinned to the bed. Dean grasped John’s biceps and desperately trying but failing to push him away. 

Dean opened his mouth to scream as he felt the pain shoot up his ass as John started to push inside his unprepared hole, but John silenced Dean’s scream with his lips. Squirming and struggling Dean screamed a muffled “No!” when all of a sudden he felt a burst of heat on his arm followed by a wave of heat that cascaded up his arm and with a flash of red John was lifted from the bed about 2 feet and then thrown backwards against the wall by the red force.

Lightening fast Dean grabbed his gun from under his pillow and just as John was standing up Dean pointed his gun at John. “Don’t!” Dean ordered as he knelt on the bed.

John looked at Dean and the gun and stopped, his eyes narrowing in rage. Dean’s whole body was shaking from whatever had just happened and his eyes were wide with fright. 

John looked at the Mark on Dean’s arm and smirked. “So I guess my information was correct after all. Seems you got yourself a power boost. I can’t wait to see what that thing can do for us.” John said calmly not at all fazed by the gun. 

Dean frowned in confusion taking a quick look at his arm and the Mark was blazing red and almost pulsing. Dean felt another wave of dizziness and he tried to keep his gun stable. “What information? What the fuck are you talking about? Dean yelled and his mind raced.  _ How did John even know about the Mark? How did he seem to have more information than Dean? _

“Put the gun down before you hurt yourself son. You can barely hold it up.” John laughed and took a step forward. His tone turned menacing, “I’m done playing with you boy.” 

Dean shook his head as sweat started to bead on his forehead from the strain of trying to stay upright. Just when Dean thought he would have to lower the gun John’s phone rang. John looked down at the phone completely unconcerned that he was faced with a loaded gun, scowled and then answered. 

“Now is not a good time.” John yelled into the phone. The other person said something and his face paled and Dean was shocked to see real fear slither across John’s face before it was replaced with his typical anger. “Fine!” John said through gritted teeth and hung up. 

John glared at Dean while he pulled his pants back up and fastened his zipper and belt. “You just got lucky Dean. I have to leave. But when I get back I better not see anymore of this defiance. We will be finishing what we started.” John threatened. 

Dean barely had the energy to shake his head no and John’s face got red with rage. He walked right up to Dean without missing a beat until the gun was almost right up against his chest in a clear challenge. Dean was pretty sure he didn’t have the strength to pull the trigger and he froze. Smirking when Dean didn’t do anything, John grabbed Dean’s wrist and twisted it sideways. Dean gasped in pain but managed to hold onto the gun. 

John leaned forward putting his face an inch from Dean’s. “Boy, you better be right here on this bed waiting for me or there will be hell to pay.” John threatened and with another painful twist he let go of Dean and left. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers include smutty dreams, non-con, and violence and John being an evil douche bag.
> 
> Summary: Dean starts to have a sex dream about Cas and things feel weird. He calls his name and John hits him waking Dean up realizing it was John all along. John has Dean pinned and starts to rape him when the Mark flings John off the bed causing Dean to feel weak and dizzy. John makes a comment about the Mark, gets a mysterious call and leaves ordering Dean to stay put.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you all had a good week. This is a rather short chapter and not too much action, but important for the story. 
> 
> I should have mentioned this on the last chapter, but the Mark affects Dean differently than in the show and Crowley does not know as much as he did about it either. I changed it to fit the story, which will become more clear in the later chapters. 
> 
> Once again thank you so much for the continued kudos and comments. I love reading them and seeing what you think about the story. 
> 
> Nothing really triggering in this chapter. 
> 
> I'm up in the air about the order of the next couple of chapters, but I will hopefully be posting on time next week. 
> 
> I hope everyone stays safe and healthy.

Dean gasped with relief when John slammed out of the room. He was extremely weak and almost vibrating from the force of his trembling, but shame washed over him. He just let his bastard of a father walk right up to him and push the gun aside. 

“Well isn’t this a pretty picture.” Crowley commented as he popped back in the room and saw a naked Dean kneeling on the bed. 

Dean had been about to drop his gun when he heard Crowley and he jerked the gun toward the corner of the room. 

“Squirrel?” Crowley called gently and put his hands up to show he wasn’t a threat. 

Dean recognized him and lowered the gun, stark relief across his face at seeing the demon. 

“What’s going on?” Crowley asked with concern as his gaze swept the room for threats. 

Dean’s body was trembling and his eyes were practically rolling in his head. “Crowley. I don’t know... the Mark…, something happened.” Dean muttered sinking down to sit on his heels. Dean became aware of Crowley’s stare and jerked slightly realizing he was still naked. He tried to pull the blanket over his lap but it was caught underneath him leaving Dean feeling incredibly vulnerable.

More tears ran down his face in frustration. “I can’t… Need to… Crowley!” Dean entreated grasping at the blanket again to no avail. 

Crowley seemed to understand and with a snap of his fingers, Dean found himself clothed again and he sagged in relief still not able to completely focus. He was so incredibly exhausted and his arm was burning. Dean wanted nothing more than to curl up into a ball and sleep but he needed to leave. He had to get out of here before John returned. 

Looking up at Crowley’s worried expression Dean stared for a minute and somehow the King of Hell figured out what Dean wanted and with another snap Dean found himself in a different motel room. 

“You’re safe now Squirrel.” Crowley said and with that Dean lost the fight and slipped into blackness.

________________

An indeterminate amount of time later, Dean jerked awake. He found himself lying on top of a bed with a blanket tucked around him. He looked around slowly and saw Crowley sitting in a chair playing a game or something on his phone. When Dean sat up Crowley put the phone down. 

“Better?” The demon asked 

Dean nodded and with a snap Dean found himself holding a bottle. Realizing how dry his throat was, Dean took a big gulp without even looking at the bottle and then sputtered in shock at the sweet taste. Dean glared at the demon. “Really! Orange juice?” Dean scowled and looked at the drink with disgust. 

“You passed out.” Crowley simply stated meeting Dean’s glare with a raised eyebrow. After a beat of silence, Dean shrugged and downed the juice too thirsty to argue and hated to admit he actually felt a little better after drinking it and chose to ignore the satisfied smirk on Crowley’s face.

“Baby?” Dean asked and started to get up, but Crowley waved him down. 

“Outside. What happened Squirrel?” Crowley asked.

Dean’s cheeks colored in embarrassment that his father had once again gotten the jump on him. But Crowley was the reason he had this Mark on his arm and he needed to figure out what was going on, so he told Crowley what happened and a feeling of warmth spread through him at the look of fury on the demon’s face when he heard what John had almost done. 

After a few moments of silence, Dean spoke. “What do you think that was Crowley?” 

Crowley tapped his finger against his chin for a minute before responding. “I need to find that blade really soon. I think the power boost or whatever it was the Mark did to protect you weakened your body because it didn’t have the blade to draw power from. So we need to find the blade before it really hurts you.” Crowley stated and for a minute Dean thought he saw guilt flash across the demon’s face. 

“Fantastic!” Dean muttered and squeezed the top of his nose with his two fingers feeling a headache coming on. 

“I think the more important question is how did your dad know about it and where is he getting his information from.” Crowley said.

Dean’s head shot up at that and his face paled as the implications of that sunk in. 

“I’m going to do some digging, you stay here and rest.” Crowley ordered. 

Dean got a stubborn look on his face at being ordered around like a kid but Crowley just pointed at him with a don’t even bother expression on his face. 

“Order a pizza and relax, I’ll be in touch.” Crowley said and went to snap away but then paused. “And call feathers while you’re at it.”

Dean jerked in surprise, his eyebrows disappearing into his hairline. “What!”

Crowley sighed and walked back over to Dean and sat down next to him on the bed.

Dean squirmed a bit a little uncomfortable with how close Crowley was sitting with him, but he was curious. Over the last two months Crowley had made no secret of how much he didn’t like Cas and now he was telling Dean to call him. “ _ What the hell! _ ”

“Squirrel.” Crowley started, cleared his throat and started again. “No one is more surprised than myself at saying this, but we might need his help. However, more importantly, I see how torn up you are over him and you need to talk.” 

“But…” Dean started and stopped when Crowley held up a hand.

“Look Dean, I seem to have developed all these feelings.” Crowley sneered drawing out the word feelings and with a glare at Dean he pointed a finger in accusation. “Which, by the way, I blame entirely on you Winchester.” 

“Um... sorry.” Dean said not really sure how to respond to that. 

Crowley rolled his eyes. “I’m not an idiot, I know that your heart belongs to that … that overgrown pigeon. And while I don’t agree with how he handled things he seems just as torn up as you so…” Crowley said and put his hands up in a you know gesture. 

“Okay, gotta say, I’m really surprised.” Dean murmured looking down at his hands and wondering what it meant that Cas seemed to be upset too.  _ “Did it mean they still have a chance?”  _ Dean wondered and hope fluttered in his chest.

Dean startled when Crowley reached out putting a hand on Dean’s chin raising his face to look at him. Dean was a little taken aback at the look of dark hunger on Crowley’s face and for the first time Dean wondered if Benny was right. Maybe it wasn’t all just harmless flirting.

“For some bloody reason, your happiness seems to matter to me.” Crowley spat out sounding so offended at the notion it caused Dean to grin. 

“But understand this Squirrel.” Crowley said in a low voice. “I will give that feather duster one chance and then all bets are off. I want you Dean, more than anyone I have for a very very long time.” He confessed.

Dean’s eyes widened in surprise and Crowley growled lightly and pulled Dean into a kiss, a possessive, kind of pretty hot kiss, which admittedly other than Cas was the best kiss of Dean’s life, but it left Dean feeling guilty and wanting, well wanting his angel. 

Crowley’s eyes were dark and piercing with hunger but he pulled away and stood up. “But I’m nobody’s seconds.” Crowley said as he ran his hands down his coat. “When I have you, and believe me Dean, there will come a time in this life or next that we will be together, your heart will not belong to another.” Crowley said with passion, his eyes again flashing with hunger, but also lust, surprisingly tenderness, and something else Dean didn’t want to examine too closely. 

“So figure things out with your angel.” Crowley ordered and then shuddered in disgust. “Bullocks, I see what you mean about chick flick moments.” Crowley said and then muttered under his breath something that sounded like damn fucking Winchester and bloody human emotions, which caused a surprise snort to escape from Dean. Crowley glared at the sound and then snapped away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> On triggers are Dean thinking about and telling Crowley about John trying to rape him but nothing specific. The kiss could be possibly be considered dubious consent, but don't you just love Crowley being a big softie and putting Dean's feelings first?


	18. Chapter 18

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, a day late again, so sorry but I have two chapters tonight. They kinda go together so I felt I should post them both. Please remember this if I have to skip a week at some point in the future. 
> 
> Great news though, AnotherWorld3111 has taken time away from her amazing J2 fic "Ink, Blood and Bullets." and beta'd these chapters for me and is helping me organize my stuff and figure some things out cause I had no idea what order to put some of these chapters in - the downfall of writing stuff out of order. She is an amazing beta and an even more amazing writer if you want to check out some of her stuff. 
> 
> Also, over 300 kudos. I am absolutely floored by the response to this story and so happy that everyone likes it. Thank you so very much for all the kudos and I love all the comments. 
> 
> On that note, I answered comments tonight and something went a bit wonky on me twice, so hopefully everyone gets a response if not I am very sorry. I really don't know what happened. 
> 
> A couple of you caught on to the fact that John was getting information from someone and who was the mystery caller? We have some interaction between the two below. 
> 
> So here we go, the first of two chapters. See end for triggers.

John was tapping his foot in agitation while waiting. He was furious that he was interrupted again with Dean and summoned to a meeting like some half assed lackey. He may have made the call looking for help but that doesn’t mean he had to drop everything at their command. 

Thirty more minutes went by and John was about to leave when finally they arrived. “You pulled me away from something really important only to make me wait. You have some nerve!” John snarled, taking a step forward. 

Almost immediately he felt himself thrown back and slammed into the wall. “Fuck!” He swore as his head hit the wall hard. 

“I don’t care if you were in the middle of something John. You come when I call. You’re not the one in charge here.” They sneered. 

John opened his mouth to say something but a crushing pressure in his chest stopped any words from coming out. 

“Now explain to me what the fuck is going on.” 

John winced at another pulse of tightness before he was released. He fell to his knees gasping for air. Looking up at the smirk, John forced himself to stand. He made a fist to stop himself from attacking knowing now was not the time. He still needed their help and he had never encountered this particular brand of monster before coming back to life, and he wasn’t sure how to deal with them… yet. 

“I’m making progress.” John stated and crossed his arms across his chest.

“Oh really cause from where I see it you have gotten nowhere.” They snarled. 

Again he was pushed back against the wall as a hand encircled his throat cutting off his air for a few seconds. John took a deep breath when he was again released and glared. “I wouldn’t say no results.” John yelled once again forgetting how dangerous the other being in the room was. 

When an arm was raised ready to slam him into the wall again, John put his hands out in surrender. “Look I get it, I’m way behind schedule. I’m not happy about it either.” John admitted reluctantly. 

“I want results John. It’s almost time. Do I have to do this myself?” They demanded. 

“No!” John said forcefully.  _ Fuck that would ruin everything. _ He thought. “I have a plan. It’s time to bring out the big guns. I just need a few more weeks. But I do need a few things from you.” John added hesitantly. 

“You had better get results this time John. Do you understand?“ The question was accompanied by another squeeze across his chest cutting off his air until John started to see spots. 

“Okay I got it. I’ll get the results.” John promised. 

Seemingly satisfied he was released again. “What do you need from me now John?” 

John gathered up the spells and sigils as soon as he was alone, chuckling to himself. With this he was going to get rid of the demon and angel permanently and then he’ll turn around and use this to kill the only remaining threat. John was nobody bitch and it was going to be very satisfying turning the tables. 

_________ 

Sam’s heart sank as he pulled into the motel parking lot and saw that the Impala wasn’t there. He had finally gotten back after running the errand his father sent him on. He didn’t get why he had to drive two hours one way, wait around to get some book and then drive back, but after talking with his father before he left John had agreed to have Dean hunt with them again so he couldn’t really say no. Thankfully Sam had found a shortcut and made it back in half the time. Still he had really wanted to stay with Dean, reassure himself he was okay and do whatever it took to make up for leaving Dean again. 

Sam rushed into the room with the small hope that John had taken the Impala and Dean was resting but unsurprisingly Sam was met with empty rooms. He looked in the closets and bathroom and saw that all of Dean’s stuff was gone. His stomach sank as he sat down and picked up the phone to call Dean, praying he would answer. 

_________

Dean looked around the room wondering what state he was even in. After finding a takeout menu in the drawer, he ordered a pizza. He still felt a little weak and drained. While waiting Dean took a shower scrubbing his skin almost raw trying to get the feeling of John off his skin. Still feeling dirty and wrong, Dean forced himself to eat a few pieces of pizza. 

Dean sat and thought about everything that happened. Tears sprang to his eyes at the memory of what John had done and wondered what the hell he was going to do. Dean’s phone rang and he cringed when he saw Sam name flash on the screen. 

Sighing loudly Dean answered. “Sam. What do you want?” Dean asked tiredly. 

“Dean!” Sam practically screeched causing Dean to pull the phone away from his ear. 

“Dude! My ears.” Dean groused. 

“I came back and you were gone. What the fuck Dean?” Sam yelled thankfully at a slightly lower tone. 

Confused as to why that would upset Sam Dean didn’t reply at first. 

“Dean? You there?” Sam asked his tone back to normal and worried sounding.

“Yeah Sam I’m here, but I don’t really get what the problem is.” Dean replied. 

“Dean I came back and you were gone, and if I guess I just thought you would still be here and I panicked a little.” Sam replied sounding sheepish the more he explained. 

“Okaaay…” Dean answered, still confused. 

Sam snorted at the lack of response on Dean’s end. And after a beat of silence finally figured out Dean wasn’t going to say anything else.

“I just… why did you leave?” Sam asked. 

_ Because our pervert of a father tried to fuck me while I was sleeping. _ Dean almost spat out but caught himself. Sighing loudly, Dean was suddenly exhausted again and annoyed. Why was Sam asking him this when he was the one who walked away - again. 

“Sam why would I have stayed?” Dean asked a little harshly but he was annoyed now at this weird conversation and really wanted to get off the phone. Talking to Sam hurt too much, and Dean’s nerves were still frayed.  _ “I never should have answered the call, _ ” Dean thought.

“Well I just thought… You know…” Sam stuttered. 

“You thought what, Sam? You and dad are hunting without me, remember? So why in the world would I stay with you guys?” Dean snarled as hurt flared up once again. 

“Look Dean, I’m sorry.” Sam said. “I just thought since you were back with us that we would start hunting together again you know.” Sam finished sounding a little petulant. 

Dean snorted into the phone. “‘You know?’ No, Sam, I don’t know, ‘cause you dumped my ass, so pardon me for not sticking around just to get left at a motel again.” Not that he was going to be sticking around after what John pulled but Sam didn’t know that, and Dean couldn’t believe Sam just thought everything would go back to normal after he left Dean again. 

“Dean I said I’m sorry and look I talked to dad and he agreed—” Sam started to explain but Dean cut him off. 

“I don’t really care what you and dad agreed on Sam. I don’t even know why you called me but sorry isn’t going to cut it this time. You once again wanted me out of your life. Well, guess what, Sam, you win, okay? I’m not going to keep dragging you back or forcing myself on you.” Dean spat, his voice shaking with emotion. 

“But Dean—” Sam started in a pleading voice.

Before Sam could say anything else, Dean interrupted him again, trying to hold in his tears of hurt. “Sam, take care of yourself and watch your back with dad, okay? Bye, Sammy.” Dean said softly, his heart aching and before he let on to the fact that he was crying like a little girl, Dean hung up the phone. 

Dean’s phone rang immediately but Dean just shut it off. Despite the hurt at the latest abandonment by his brother and the threat of John, Dean was really tempted to go running back because he missed his brother terribly. Dean felt like he was missing a limb and it hurt. 

But there were too many reasons to stay away, one; John was clearly uncontrollable now and it would only be a matter of time before Sam figured out something. Dean knew Sam and how his brain worked, and it would only take something small for Sam to start thinking about what the demon had said in that warehouse and start to have questions or, god forbid, figure things out. 

Secondly, as he glanced down at his arm and saw the red Mark, he was scared at what was happening to him. He didn’t want to involve Sam in this new mess he created for himself. 

Dean flicked through several channels but nothing held his interest. He looked around the room and the walls seemed to be closing in on him. Dean thought about trying to find a hunt nearby but he just didn’t care about that right now. He just wanted.... 

Fuck, he just wanted Cas. 

He was upset after talking with Sam and confused after talking with Crowley, and now he kept thinking about John and the feeling that he was behind Cas and him breaking up was so much stronger now. 

Thinking back to that horrible morning, Dean wanted to hurt himself when he thought about the look on Cas’ face when Dean admitted to having had sex. 

How could he have hurt his angel that badly when, after all these years, he had finally wanted to start something with Dean? And yeah, Dean was hurt that Cas ignored his calls and prayers so he could explain, but Dean should have tried harder or  _ something _ , but Cas wouldn’t give him a second chance. Dean knew he wasn’t worth that kind of forgiveness… but he just wished he could rewind to before, because he would give just about anything to see Cas again and have the angel forgive him. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So identify is still a secret. Sorry (not sorry). I rewrote this chapter so many times and eventually just cut it in half because I didn't want to give too much away. I am curious as to who you all will think it is though.
> 
> Triggers include Dean thinking about John attacking him, and of course Dean angst and low self worth.


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi here is the second chapter for tonight. I will hopefully be on time next week but I have a chapter that just doesn't fit anywhere but is important so I need to figure that out. 
> 
> Good news, I wrote the epilogue this week and I'm pretty happy with it, bad news, I still have scattered chapters to write, some pretty important, but all the kudos and comments help me so much. It was actually the response to Crowley and Dean that prompted me to rewrite and add onto the an upcoming Cas/Dean chapter. So thank you again for all the support!
> 
> See triggers at end.

Sam hung up the phone in shock and dismay. Dean wasn’t coming back. Sam couldn’t blame him, not after everything and what Dean had said when Sam told him over the phone that he and John had left. But John had been so sure Dean would come to them, and pretty quickly, so Sam went along with the plan. To be fair, John didn’t really know how many times Sam had left Dean, but still this couldn’t be happening. 

Sam tugged his hair as his eyes filled up. What was he going to do without his brother? How had he messed things up so much? 

Sam jumped when he heard the door open next door followed by his father’s loud angry voice. Sam moved to the adjoining doorway and watched in disbelief as shock and fear washed over him. 

His father was opening drawers and the closet looking for Dean’s stuff but as Sam had just discovered the room was empty. 

“Dean! Goddamn it! You little worthless slut!” John screamed. “I told you to not leave and be waiting for me.” John spat out as he flipped the table over in his anger. He picked up a chair and smashed it into the wall. “So fucking stupid! Can’t even follow one simple order.” John snarled as he ripped the shower curtain off and then picked up the ice container on the counter and smashed it into the mirror. 

“Dad?” Sam said hesitantly but John didn’t hear him. Sam stood frozen in disbelief as John pulled out his phone and, if possible his father’s face got redder and his eyes even wilder as whoever — Dean, probably — he was calling didn’t pick up. 

John gritted through clenched teeth into the phone as the voice mail picked up. “Dean, you little bitch. I told you to wait for me on that goddamn bed and you left. When I get a hold of you, boy, I’m gonna whip this defiance right out of your slutty ass. You’ll be crying and begging me to stop you ungrateful little whore. Get back here right the fuck now you…”

“He’s not coming back.” Sam said louder this time and John froze. He turned toward Sam and valiantly tried to school his features into something other than rage. “Sam, son, what are you doing back so soon?” John asked and cursed himself for not realizing Sam was here. 

When John had pulled into the motel lot, anticipation and arousal was thrumming through his body about what he was going to do to Dean. When he saw the Impala missing, John became livid. That Dean continued to defy him was beyond anything John had expected when coming back and he was done. 

John saw the absolute shock on Sam’s face who was looking at him like he was a stranger. He glanced around taking in the destroyed room that he barely remembered trashing, his anger so great. 

John plastered a smile on his face and took a step toward Sam who simultaneously took a step back. John’s pulse raced in fear now instead of anger.  _ Shit, shit, shit, he had to fix this. _ Losing control like this and in front of Sam.  _ This was all Dean’s fault _ , John thought as his fists clenched. First, he gets tossed around and given orders like some two bit lackey, and now Dean made him lose control in front of Sam. 

John forced himself to relax and pulled forth all the charm and charisma he used to get information from witnesses and put his hands out, showing Sam he was calm. 

“Hey, son, I’m sorry I kinda lost it, huh?” John asked with a grin. 

“Dad, what? How could you say that stuff?” Sam asked, anger sliding in to replace the shock. 

John took a smaller step closer to Sam and was relieved when he didn’t back up. He forced his face to crumble and he found that he didn’t even have to fake the tears that sprang to his eyes, because the thought of losing Sam was too much. 

“I just lost it, Sam, I’m sorry. It’s been a rough couple of days, you know?” John said, moving closer. Sam just nodded, yet his eyes were alert and still hard. 

John slowly reached out and put a hand on Sam’s shoulder and squeezed. “With Dean being kidnapped and coming back so hurt and then you…” John said and allowed his voice to get choked up. 

“Me?” Sam asked as his brow creased in confusion, but his eyes softened a smidgen.

“Yeah, son, you. I almost watched you die right in front of me. God, Sam, you can’t even imagine.” John said as tears slid down his face. “I can’t lose you, Sam. I love you so much, son.” John continued, and finally Sam’s body relaxed and his eyes softened, not completely, but enough that John felt safe enough to pull him into a hug. 

Sam stiffened in surprise when John pulled him into a tight hug, his body shaking with emotion and Sam felt the wetness from John’s tears on his shoulder. He felt himself relax into the hug and reasoned with himself that John losing it after everything that happened made sense. He’d seen Dean go off in a temper tantrum more times than he could count, but the words John said Sam argued with himself. 

_ “Is this getting you all hot and bothered Daddy Winchester?” _

The demon's words ran through his head, but as John shuddered in his arms as he cried, Sam pushed them away. His father was hugging him and crying because Sam almost died. He felt like he had been waiting for this his whole life and he fully relaxed and hugged his father back. 

John tilted his head up so Sam couldn’t feel the smirk that crossed his face when he felt Sam finally give in. He composed himself and pushed back a little and met Sam’s now soft eyes, although there was still something there, a hint of suspicion that lingered. 

_ Well I need to lay it on thick,  _ John thought quickly and then smiled at Sam. “Okay, enough of this — what is it that your brother calls it?” John asked with a chuckle. 

“Chick flick moments.” Sam said with a wistful smile. 

“Yeah that. What do you say we go get something to eat.” John suggested. “How about I finally let you take me to a sushi place?” John offered, inwardly cringing at the thought but he knew how much it would mean to Sam. 

“Really?” Sam said looking excited, but he was clearly still holding back. 

_ Okay, big guns it is _ , John thought and prayed this would work.

“Yeah, really. You’re a lot like your mom, you know? She always ate healthy stuff and always wanted to try new things." Sam’s head shot up. John tried not to smirk and continued. “Did I ever tell you about the time she dragged me to a fondue place?” John asked.

_ Bingo.  _ Sam’s eyes got wide with pleasure and curiosity at the mention of Mary. 

Sam couldn’t believe his father was talking about his mother. His heart warmed and all misgivings were pushed to the side as he listened to his father tell tales of their time together and Sam just ate it up. They ate sushi which Sam could tell John hated but he didn’t say anything and just ate what Sam wanted him to try, and they had lots of sake and beer — well, John did. Sam was tipsy but John was pretty drunk by the time they stumbled back to the room. 

John, with a drunken grin and a pat on Sam’s shoulder, laid down and was soon asleep. 

Sam laid on his bed and stared at the door to the other room when John’s rage and his degrading words to Dean rushed back into his head. Sam hadn’t even recognized his father then, and Sam was scared. 

The worst thing was that all Sam could think about as he drifted off to sleep was that he wished Dean was here to make things better, to make Sam feel safe like he always did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Sam is realizing how much he screwed up and has more questions about John now that he saw him in a different light. 
> 
> Triggers include a lot of derogatory words from John toward Dean, and of course John being a manipulative ass. 
> 
> Have a great week everybody!


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, just one chapter this week but its on the long side. Its the one I was having a heard time picturing where to put but I think this is a good place. I think it will be a surprise to everyone and I hope you all like it. 
> 
> I answered comments a different way tonight and everything seemed to work so hopefully I didn't miss anyone. I keep saying I will be better with the comments and then I leave them for a week so again I apologize. I will keep trying to do better, but please keep them coming. I can't express how much they mean to me whether you like what I wrote or not I enjoy them all. I also really appreciate all the kudos, its the most I've even got for a story I've written and its awesome. Thank you.
> 
> Nothing triggering in this chapter. I hope everyone has a great week. The next chapter is mostly edited so I should be on time next week.

Benny stretched a smile still lingering on his face as he thought about the time spent with Elizabeth. It was still amazing to him that he was now part of a family. Yeah he had Dean, but now he had his actual granddaughter too. He was so honored that he was able to walk her down the aisle. Benny again thought about how much he owed Dean. After that insane hunter almost ruined everything for him, Dean had talked to Elizabeth and somehow, she had ended up being okay with finding out he was her grandfather (several times over) and more importantly, a vampire. 

Still smiling, Benny started to shift through his clothes and turned, only to find Castiel standing right there. Benny’s feet practically left the floor as he jumped so hard, causing him to scowl. He quickly remembered his talk with Dean and with his vampire speed, he was in front of the angel within a second who he then proceeded to punch with all his strength. 

“ _ Merde _ !” Benny yelled as he looked down at his broken and twisted hand. He looked in disbelief at the angel whose face hadn’t even shifted with the punch.

“Apologies.” Castiel said and disappeared. 

“What the ever loving fuck?” Benny yelled and then moaned in pain as he moved his mangled limb. Benny looked around, upset that he hadn’t stocked up on blood, which he was going to need to heal this injury. 

He turned back and Castiel was standing in front of him and again Benny jumped up in surprise. “ _ Fils de pute!”  _ Benny yelled again, gaping at the angel.

Castiel just narrowed his eyes at the exclamation and thrust a cooler into his hands. “Will this help?”

Benny blinked and when Castiel just stood there holding out the cooler, Benny took it cautiously. He looked inside to see six bags of his favorite blood. 

Grunting in acknowledgement, Benny tore one open and sucked it down within seconds. A minute later his hand was fully healed. Benny sat back and looked at the angel who was still standing in the same spot. Benny side-eyed the angel for a minute. He flexed his fingers and sighed. 

“What’s going on, Castiel? Is Dean okay?” Benny asked. His eyes flashed again with the memory of how Dean looked when they had finally found him. 

“He was the last time I saw him.” Castiel said, and then continued to just stand there.

“Well, come on, hot wings. What are you doing here?” 

Castiel came over to the table and sat down. He suddenly looked nervous, which was not a look Benny had ever seen on the angel. 

“Why did you attack John Winchester?” Castiel finally asked.

“So no moseying around the bush for you, just straight to the heart of things.” Benny snarked, trying to stall a little, unsure what to say.

“Yes, I find that saves time.” Castiel answered, matter of factly.

Benny snorted in amusement before getting serious again.

“Look, chief.” Benny started. “That’s not my story to tell.” Benny said. For a minute, he was tempted to tell the angel everything, but ultimately, that was up to Dean and Benny wasn’t going to betray Dean’s trust like that. 

“But…” Castiel started but stopped when Benny raised a hand. 

“I’m sorry, angel, but those secrets are Dean’s and Dean’s alone.” 

“Secrets! What secrets?” Castiel demanded. “If it is about Dean then I need to know.”

“Well, now, I don’t know about that, tweetie bird. If Dean wanted you to know, I think he would have said something. Or, maybe the fact is, he tried and you didn’t listen.” Benny drawled with a hard look on his face. 

Castiel shifted his eyes to the floor, feeling ashamed for a few seconds before saying softly, hurt still cutting like a knife through his grace. “Dean cheated on me, Benny. I might not have handled it properly but he…”

“He what?” Benny demanded, raising a skeptical eyebrow. “From what I understand, he doesn’t remember what he did or what happened.” 

“He admitted to having sex.” Castiel stated.

Benny sighed, rubbing his hands up and down his thighs as he sat back with a sad look on his face. “Castiel, I know you are still learning about human emotions and interactions, especially the romantic stuff. But it’s all about intent and consent here.”

“What do you mean?” Castiel asked his brow furrowed in confusion.

Benny opened his mouth to respond and then shut it again, re-thinking what he was going to say. “You don’t know what Dean intended to do that night, or if he had actually consented to what happened, because Dean himself doesn’t remember.” 

Castiel frowned, still confused. 

“Look, angel, you need to talk to Dean. He has been trying to explain, but you have been ignoring him and that’s just not okay.” 

And that line of thought brought back memories of purgatory, along with a surge of righteous fury. Benny stood up and looked down at the angel with a scoff. “Do you have any idea what it was like for Dean in purgatory?” He sneered. 

Castiel looked up with a frown at the rapid change in topic. 

“Benny… I do not want to talk about purgatory.” He said cautiously, wary of how their stream of conversation had veered. “I want to know about John Winchester. The way he’s acted toward Dean since coming back, it’s… well, I don’t know, but it's unsettling.” Castiel said. 

“I get that.” Benny muttered. He clenched his hands to keep himself from trying to punch the angel again and hurt himself. 

Castiel noted the anger and tension in Benny with surprise. “I know purgatory was horrible with all the monsters after him all the time.” 

Frustrated, Benny banged the table, making the angel jump and then stand as well. “I’m not talking about the monsters, and yeah, that was awful, but I’m talking about how every night he would pray to you.” Benny snarled. 

“I know, but I had to tune him out for the most part.” Castiel said with regret.

“I know you know, and that’s what makes it so bad. Some nights….” Benny started and stopped, choked up. 

Taking another deep breath, Benny sat back down and Castiel followed. “He blamed himself, you know.” Benny said, quieter this time, and Castiel’s eyes widened. “I would hear him. Most nights, he would tell you about the monsters we killed or that he was still looking for you, but some nights…, some nights he would start to lose hope and he would beg for you to come back and forgive him, for driving you away, or forcing you to help. He would plead with you to tell him what he did to make you leave so he could fix it, and it was… it was really hard to listen to.” Benny finished, his eyes slightly wet. 

Castiel’s eyes widened further but he didn’t respond. 

“And then you go and do it again. How could you do that to him again?” Benny asked angrily. 

“I just couldn’t be around him. It hurt too much.” Castiel admitted. 

“Oh,  _ pauv reti bete _ .” Benny just spat out. “When you love someone you don’t just get to bail. You work things out.” 

“But—” 

“No! You could have used your angel mojo to help him remember, but you just bailed on him. Again.” 

The angel’s face flushed with shame and anguish as Benny drove in how he had hurt Dean so much. Benny ran a hand down his face, only stopping at the tip of his beard. 

“I know, but Benny, I…” The angel looked at him in despair. “I swore I would never physically hurt him again and I did. And now, I don’t think I’m… Dean is just so wonderful and he needs to be with someone who can give him what he wants.” Castiel said sadly as misery radiated off the angel.

“Do you want to be with him?” Benny asked, knowing the answer already. 

“More than I could quantify.” Castiel said without hesitation.

“I don’t like you, Castiel.” Benny said matter of factly, and Castiel just nodded. That much was obvious, at least. “But… Dean is my brother.” Benny started, and held up a hand to stop the angel from correcting him. “My blood brother.” The vampire clarified. “And unfortunately, there is no one else in his heart but you.” Benny said.

Castiel’s face lit up with pleasure, but Benny could still see shame and uncertainty lurking in his blue eyes. 

“ _ Merde _ , just call me Dr. Phil.” Benny groused. Castiel tilted his head in confusion. 

“Look, halo, just stop with the disappearing act and go to him. At least talk to him before you continue to stump all over his heart.”

“That is not possible.” Castiel said with a frown. 

Benny rolled his eyes. “Figuratively, tweetie bird. Dean loves you and you need to talk to him and actually listen.” Benny held up a hand when Castiel went to open his mouth to respond. “No, I don’t want to hear your excuses or skewed rationale. If you care about him even a fraction of how much he cares about you, then talk to him. Listen to what he has to say, and then decide whether you are going to continue turning your back on him and messing up the best thing that has ever happened to you.”

Castiel nodded. He stood up, his mind racing. “I do love him Benny.” 

“I know.” Benny replied. He internally winced. Because he knew the bond between Dean and Castiel was very real, leaving no one else a chance at Dean’s heart. Benny might have teased Dean about Crowley and wished for things he knew he couldn’t have himself, but this clueless angel had all of Dean’s love, and he needed to get his act together and be there for Dean.

Especially now that John was back. 

“Just… Do better.” Benny ordered. The angel nodded.

“And as for that piece of garbage, John Winchester.” Benny snarled, his fangs descending at the thought of that human monster. “What I can tell you, is the secrets are important,  _ really _ important, halo. And hopefully, Dean will talk about it with you.” Benny retracted his fangs, and a sad, almost hopeful look stole across his face. “He needs to, Castiel, he really needs to.”

Even though he felt more confused than when he arrived, Castiel recognized the gravity of the vampire’s words and that in essence, he was giving his blessing to him and Dean. Which, knowing how Dean felt about the vampire, meant a lot to Castiel. He would go and talk to Dean and let him know that he still loves him with everything within himself, and that nothing would ever change that. 

Castiel stood up and went to leave, but then stopped. He turned back to the vampire with an earnest look on his face. “I never thanked you for purgatory, Benny.” 

Benny started in surprise. “What’s that now, chief?” 

“You kept Dean safe when I left him alone and got him out of there. Thank you, Benny.” The angel said. 

Benny’s eyes widened in surprise at the angel’s heartfelt words. “Anytime.” Benny said. The vampire and angel stared at one another, sharing an unspoken agreement to always try to keep Dean safe. 

Castiel nodded again and flew off. 

Benny saw the angel disappear and hoped with everything in him that the angel would be able to keep Dean safe now, because with John in the picture, Dean was far from safe. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So Cas has his eyes opened a bit. I loved writing this chapter because the show didn't show enough Cas/Benny, which I would have loved to see. 
> 
> I tried my best with the French/Cajun sayings but I apologize if I messed them up. 
> 
> "son of a bitch" - fils de pute/>  
> “poor little thing” - pauv reti bete


	21. Chapter 21

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone I hope you all had a good week. I actually got quite a bit of writing done so I pretty happy. I still have a few more chapters to write and the rest to edit but I'm not so overwhelmed with what is left anymore. I thank you once again for the kudos and comments as they really fuel my writing. 
> 
> Nothing too triggering in this chapter. See end for notes.

Needing to just get out of the room and think, Dean left the motel to find a place to drown his sorrows. Thinking about Cas was too confusing. He hurt so badly but he loved Cas with everything in him, and he didn’t know what to do. And now on top of everything, this Mark on his arm was changing him — or killing him — and how was he supposed to dump that on Cas, to make him deal with Dean’s fuckups again? Cas always leaves and Dean pulls him back, but maybe it was finally time for him to not pull Cas back? Look how badly Dean screwed up Sam’s life by pulling him back time and again. But the thought of not seeing Cas again, of never being able to kiss or hold him, was devastating. 

Dean found himself at the bar down the street and went immediately to the corner stool where he could see the door and asked for a bottle. With a wary look, the bartender set him up and Dean started to drink. He thought about everything, about Cas, his father, Sam, about what Benny had said, about Crowley. Dean knew he was just putting off the inevitable. If he wanted Cas, he would have to come clean. He just had to suck it up and tell Cas all his dirty secrets and hope the angel wasn’t disgusted by him. Dean knew it was the only choice if they were going to try to make things work. Hopefully, Cas would be able to help him figure out what happened that night and that would no longer be between them… unless Dean had in fact done what he was accused of and then, well then. Dean deserved to lose the best thing that ever happened to him.

Dean tensed when the bar doors were flung open and a group of six came in, five younger guys of varying ages a few years younger than Dean, to an older man whose cap was pulled low on his brow. Dean couldn’t make out his face. They were loud and boisterous,, wearing flannel and jeans and had a certain dangerous wary air about them. Fuck, just what Dean needed. A bunch of hunters. 

As soon as he made that realization he saw the older man stiffen as his gaze swept the room and landed on Dean. The hunter looked up and Dean felt his stomach flip as he recognized the older hunter as a friend of his dads; Red. He was a real bastard with a bunch of redneck kids whom Dean figured were the younger men. Red nudged one of his sons and soon they were all glaring at Dean. 

Signing, Dean got up and threw some money on the bar. He walked to the door with just a small nod to Red, hoping to avoid any conflict but that idea was shot when Red grabbed Dean’s arm as he passed by. 

“What’s the hurry, son?” Red asked. 

Dean froze and stared down at the hand holding his arm. Plastering on the Dean Winchester smirk, Dean snarked. “I’m gonna need that back, Red.” 

Red’s grip tightened for a minute but the bartender had noticed them, so he let go. 

“I would say it was nice to see you again, but we all know that would be a lie,” Dean said. He tried to take a step closer to the door but found his way blocked by the large chest of one of Red’s sons. 

“Hey, take it outside.” The bartender yelled and with a few shoves and pushes, Dean found himself on the side of the bar surrounded by the hunters. 

Dean relaxed his posture and looked like he hadn’t a care in the world. He crossed his arms and arched a brow at Red. “What’s this about, Red? I’ve got somewhere to be.” 

“Oh, yeah, is one of your monster buddies getting lonely?” One of the hunters sneered. 

“What are you going on about now?” Dean asked casually, but his heart beat sped up. Obviously, these guys were looking for a fight and had heard some things about Dean. 

“We’ve been hearing lots of stories about you, Winchester.” Red said with a leer as his gaze swept over Dean’s body. “Apparently an angel and a vampire weren’t enough for you, now you’re bending over for a demon too.” Red spat, his face twisted in disgust. 

Dean scoffed. “Seems like somebody’s telling fairy tales about me. You shouldn’t believe everything you hear.” Dean said casually, but he dropped his arms and widened his stance preparing to fight. 

“Come on, pretty boy, they ain’t tales if they’re true.” Another one sneered. “What kind of a hunter cozies up with our enemies? You’re a sick fuck.” Another said, but Dean kept his eyes trained on Red and let the insults and jibes fade into the background. 

Red stepped closer to Dean, leaning in close. “You’re a disgrace, I would think with having your father back, you would start shaping up because god knows how much you fell off the rails when he wasn’t there to keep you in line.” 

Shame colored Dean’s cheeks but it was quickly chased by red hot fury. Dean took a step closer himself. “You’re one to talk, old man.” Dean sneered. “You’re just a sick fucking pervert.” 

Red just smiled at that. “Oh, are you remembering the fun times we had, Dean, when John was trying to teach you a lesson? Don’t forget I know what a cocksucking whore you really are. I think getting in bed with a bunch of monsters is what’s really sick, and you need to be taught a lesson.” Red said in a threatening manner, and Dean felt everyone step closer to him. 

Dean’s arm started to heat up, and the Mark started to throb as adrenaline flooded his body. “Look, man, you don’t want to do this.” Dean said as he felt his arm getting hotter and the Mark pulsing as if it were alive, and it was taking everything in him to not give into the overwhelming desire to shed blood. 

“And why’s that?” Red drawled unimpressed. 

“I’m giving you one chance to walk away before you all get hurt.” Dean stated and was met with catcalls, scoffs, and sneers. 

“The little cocksucker thinks he’s tough.” Someone said. “Yeah, what are you gonna do, kiss us to death?” Another said and everyone laughed. 

Dean just shrugged. Well, at least he tried. For a minute, nobody moved and tired of waiting and just wanting to get back to his room, Dean threw out his hands. “Well, what are you waiting for? Come on.” Dean taunted, and then all hell broke loose. 

The red haze cleared from Dean’s eyes some unknown amount of time later and he found himself down on his knees clutching a knife, his eye stinging from blood that was dripping from his forehead. He looked around at the moaning and unconscious men littering the ground around him.

After the first few hits Dean was unable to help getting lost in a red haze of fury. He barely remembered beating down every single one of them. Now he felt weak and shaky. It wasn’t as bad as before, for some reason, but every part of his body was covered with a bruise, cut, or scrape. He had several bruised ribs and a broken finger, but for the most part he was okay — other than the fact that his muscles felt like noodles. 

Dean weakly got to his feet. His eyes met Red’s. The older hunter was sitting up against the wall, clutching his left arm tight to his chest and Dean vaguely remembered snapping the bones in his arm. 

Pushing any weakness or hurt he was feeling down, Dean plastered his smirk back on. “I warned you, Red. Don’t come near me again, or you won’t be walking away next time.” Dean promised. 

Red just glared as much as he could with the amount of pain he was in and wisely stayed silent. 

Dean stumbled over to Baby and drove himself back to the motel. 

Dean wasn’t sure how he managed to drive back to the motel but after stumbling in, he went into the bathroom and splashed water on his face, getting rid of the visible blood and then reluctantly drank two of the orange juice bottles he suspiciously found in his mini bar after Crowlely had left. Unable to stay upright anymore, Dean laid down and instantly fell asleep. 

Dean wasn’t sure how long he slept, probably only an hour or two, but he surprisingly felt stronger. He still hurt everywhere and knew he needed to clean himself up and tend to his injuries but instead, Dean laid on the bed, staring at the ceiling. Dean thought about the fight and was scared about how he had hurt those hunters, even though they deserved it, especially Red. Dean shuddered at the memories of that bastard from his childhood. But Dean had lost control and he was terrified. 

He was terrified and oh so lonely. Sure, he could call Benny and talk, or call Crowley to come visit, but Dean only wanted one person right now and that was his angel. Why did he have to fuck it all up? Dean swore at himself. Cas was everything and Dean had hurt him. He should have come clean the minute John came back. For a long while Dean had thought Cas knew since he had put him back together but he soon realized that the angel had left those memories locked up and private. 

Dean thought about his angel, his adorable head tilt, his gorgeous blue blue eyes, and the way his mouth quirked up with a half smile when Dean said something amusing. Dean placed his hand over his shoulder and an intense wave of longing flooded through him. “Cas!” Dean whispered in despair when unbelievably, Dean heard the flutter of wings. 

“Hello Dean.” 

______________

A couple hours later Red was sitting on a gurney in the emergency room with his arm casted and his sons in varying conditions, some serious and one critical from a hard blow to the head. Red told the police again and again that he didn’t see the gang that had attacked him and his sons, and sighed in relief when they finally walked away. 

He couldn’t believe that little twink had beaten them so badly, but he knew just how to get back at the fucking whore for hurting him and his sons. 

He pulled out his cell and dialed. A few rings in and a voice answered. “Hey, John. I heard you were looking for that wayward son of yours.” Red said with an evil smile. He might not have been able to teach Dean a lesson, but his father would make sure he paid for what he did. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers are blood and violence, references to past abuse and Dean angst. 
> 
> Not too much happening in this chapter but it's setting the stage for what is to come and shows a little bit more about how the Mark is affecting Dean. There are still quite a few chapters left, but hang on cause things will be moving along pretty quickly from here on out. 
> 
> Note: When writing this I pictured the scene where Dean fights Cole and says well come on ("Reichenbach") and after Dean fights the hunters, the scene from "The Things We Left Behind."


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you all had a good week. I'm sorry I'm late in posting again. I had the chapter ready, and thank you again to AnotherWorld3111 for helping me so much with this chapter, but I've been reluctant to post, see below for notes. Its pretty long but there was no good place to split it so I left it as one.
> 
> The continued comments and rising kudos count are amazing. I thank all of you again. Even though I tend to be late in answering comments I really love getting them. I wrote a chapter and a half this week and I am slowing bridging the gap between chapters I already had written and ones that still need to be written.
> 
> NSFW art added!

“Hello, Dean.” Cas’ voice was somewhat unsure, but full of emotion. Dean’s eyes snapped up to Cas and he gasped when he could easily see the blatant look of longing and love in the angel’s blue eyes. 

Dean stood up and looked at the angel in shock. “Cas, what are you doing here? How did you find me?” Dean asked as he stepped closer. It was taking everything in him to not fling himself at Cas and kiss him senseless.

“Benny told me where you were.” Cas explained. He too took a step forward until there was only a foot or so separating the two. 

“Benny!” Dean repeated in disbelief. “You talked to Benny?” Aside from Crowley, Benny was Cas’s least favorite person — or being, in this case. 

Cas gave Dean a sheepish smile. “I did. And Benny told me to _"do better"_ and talk to you.” 

“Oh… okay.” Dean frowned. Suddenly, he became angry. “Oh, so a vampire — who you hate by the way — tells you to talk to me, you do, but when it's me calling and praying to you, that doesn’t matter?” Dean snarled as he turned away. 

“Dean, no.” Cas said, sounding heartbroken and ashamed.

“Really, Cas? ‘Cause that’s what happened.” Dean yelled as he turned back to face the angel. 

“I know and I’m sor—” Cas cut himself off, tilting his head. His eyes burned blue and anger clouded his face. He reached out and grabbed Dean’s arm, pulling back the flannel to reveal the Mark.

“Dean! What did you do!” Cas demanded, his eyes wild.

Dean’s eyes widened in surprise and then narrowed. “What I had to.” Dean snapped right back. What right did Cas have to get angry at him after leaving him? Dean jerked his arm away. “Why do you even care?” 

“Dean!” Cas said, his low and gravelly voice echoing through Dean’s body. Dean marveled not for the first time how the angel could put so much emotion into just saying his name. And as suddenly as it filled him, the anger drained away. Dean’s eyes slid toward the floor, unable to see the disappointment in his angel’s eyes. 

“I know, Cas, I screwed up. But you were gone and Sam was gone.” Dean said, his voice cracking. “I just stopped caring, man. I didn’t care what happened to me, only that I finally had a way to kill Abaddon, but now…” Dean started to choke up a bit and stopped. He raised his tear filled eyes back up. “And now, it’s… something’s really wrong.” Dean mumbled, a solitary tear sliding down his cheek.

Cas reached out and Dean almost flinched, but Cas’ face wasn’t angry it was filled with — well. Dean wasn’t sure what, but he hoped it was love and yet — was that even possible? 

Cas wiped the tear away and cupped Dean’s cheek. “Oh, Dean.” This time, his voice was softer, but still packing the emotional punch that never failed to leave Dean breathless. 

“It’s okay, Dean.” Cas said, still using that damned tone. Dean should’ve felt pissed to be coddled like a puppy, but coming from Cas… it was the greatest he felt yet, especially after so long. “We’ll figure it out okay?” 

Cas’ words filled Dean up with hope, but then like a bucket of ice water was dumped on him, Dean remembered how Cas had ignored him. He took a step back. 

“You mean until you take off again and shut me out.” 

“Cas, I really needed you, and you ignored me. How could you…” Angry again, he furiously wiped away the tears that started to fall more rapidly. ‘ _Fuck, John is right. I’m such a weak bitch_ ,’ Dean thought.

Cas’ expression was full of remorse and self hate. “I know, I’m so sorry Dean. I hurt you physically again when I swore I never would. I was so hurt that you had been with someone else and I was…” Cas paused, trying to find the right word to convey the emotions he still had no idea how to deal with. 

“Devastated,” Cas carefully tried. “And conflicted, and horrified that I did that, and-and I felt so…” Cas shuddered a breath.

“Felt so what, Cas?” Dean asked gently, pushing his feelings aside. No matter how he felt, he was more distraught at seeing Cas so upset. He put a hand on the angel’s shoulder. 

“Unworthy.” Cas choked out. 

Dean reared back, shocked. Unworthy! If anyone was unworthy it was Dean. “Cas, no!” Dean started, but Cas held up a hand.

“Dean, I don’t deserve you, I’ve made so many mistakes. So I just left and tuned you out because you deserve better than me. I stayed away and it hurt more than anything but…” Cas trailed off.

_‘What the fuck!’_ Dean thought, and then the realization slapped him in the face, because Cas did well exactly what Dean would have done in those circumstances. How many times had Dean just emotionally shut down, not letting anyone in, and just pushing them all away? 

“Well, shit, Cas!” Dean threw his hands up, landing harshly on the bed.

“What?” Cas asked, confused.

Dean actually chuckled, which caused the angel to frown harder. “You do realize, I am the absolute last person you should be taking cues from on how to handle human emotions, right?” 

Cas narrowed his eyes, but thought about what Dean said. A small smile quirked his lips. “Yes, you do tend to react differently than the average person.”

“Regardless,” Cas said, sobering once again. “I…” Cas started and then stopped, his own eyes filling. “I’m sorry, Dean. I was so ashamed that I hurt you and…”

“But I hurt you first.” Dean acknowledged.

“Did you, though?” Cas asked, tilting his head in his adorable way.

“I.. What?” Dean faltered. 

“Benny talked to me about you not remembering. I should have helped you remember.”

“Yeah, but there are things you don’t know about me, Cas. Things about my dad.” Dean said. He shivered, his dad’s voice screaming in his head to never tell anyone. 

Cas nodded solemnly. “I know, and I have a lot of questions, but I need you to know that whatever it is, it won’t change the way I feel. Nothing will change that, not even this.” Cas said rubbing a hand over the Mark, which burned at the angel’s touch. Cas went to pull Dean into a hug and he automatically winced in pain before he could remember to hide it. His injuries had been all but forgotten with Cas showing up, his emotions pushing the rest of the physical pain away. 

“Dean?” Cas eyes narrowed when he finally realized Dean was hurt. Cas had been so focused on Dean’s face and eyes, but now he took a step back and looked at the torn clothes and blood smears, the bruises forming on the skin that was visible. 

“Dean, what happened?” He demanded.

Dean waved his hand dismissively. “Just some hunters with a bone to pick. I took care of it.”

“Dean, you're really hurt.” Cas said. Dean just smirked. 

“You should see the other guys.” He joked but then winced in pain. Now that he was thinking about it, he could no longer ignore the persistent throbbing. “It's just bruises and cuts, maybe a broken rib and some knuckles. It’s fine. I’m fine.” Dean said. He unconsciously rubbed a hand over the Mark, fear unwittingly flashing across his face when he thought about the fight again. 

“Dean? What is it?” Of course Cas noticed.

Dean waved his hand dismissively. “Not now, Cas, we’ll talk about it later, okay?” 

Cas’ narrowed his eyes. 

“I promise. I want — I _need_ to tell you everything, but just… You’re actually here and I missed you so much, Cas.” Dean whispered, his green eyes full of love and longing. “Let me enjoy it for a minute?” Dean asked, his cheeks and ears pinked up with a blush. 

“Of course. I’ve missed you too, Dean, My Everything.” Cas said and Dean flushed harder at the pet name. 

Cas smiled at that, his eyes gleaming with newfound intent. “Right now, I want to take care of you. I want to show you how much I love you, Dean.”

Dean looked into his angel's eyes and saw the truth of his words. Maybe it was the beat down, or the emotional upheaval of their talk, or just everything that had happened recently, but Dean was done. Done hiding, done avoiding, and done denying what he wanted. With his heart almost beating out of his chest in fear and anticipation, Dean cleared his throat and licked his lips. 

“I, uh, I love you too, Cas.” Dean nervously. For some insane reason, he was half expecting the angel to scrunch his face up in disgust and leave. But Cas’ eyes lit up with a happiness that couldn’t be faked, and Dean felt his heart slow down, his mouth turned up in an answering smile. 

“Dean, there have been so many nights where I have watched over you while you slept and have fantasized all the ways I wanted to worship your beautiful body.” 

“Woah, hold up!” Dean exclaimed. The bright red blush increased in intensity, vibrant as it traveled down his face, neck, and chest. “Cas, you can’t just say stuff like that.” 

Cas frowned. “Why not? It’s true. Dean, will you let me take care of you and show you how much I love you?” 

“Ah… Okay.” Dean said. He didn’t know how to deal with being the focus of the angel’s intense attention. No one had ever looked at Dean like that. It laid him bare, and he wished he was better for his angel.

“Dean, you are perfect.” Cas said, interpreting Dean’s thoughts. 

“Yeah, okay.” Dean said, rubbing at the back of his neck. “I’m gonna grab a shower, okay! And then you can…”

Cas shook his head and walked up to Dean. “Just relax, Dean.” Cas murmured. The angel gently stripped Dean of his torn clothes. Guiding him with a gentle hand on his hip, he laid Dean down on the bed and then he just—

Stared. 

Dean fidgeted a bit, even as his cock started to slowly fill up under the angel’s look.

Cas noticed, and his eyes darkened with lust. 

“You are singularly the most exquisite person I have ever seen.” Cas said reverently, his gaze sweeping over every inch of Dean. “The stars in heaven pale in comparison to the stars upon your body.” He added as fingers traced over some of Dean's freckles. 

“Cas!” Dean exclaimed, feeling a full body blush this time. “I’m dirty, and scarred, and, geez, you can’t say stuff like that.” Dean groused.

Cas just smiled. “One moment.” He said and disappeared, but was back in an instant with a warm moist cloth and a bowl of hot water. 

“Cas, what are you — let me up.” Dean tried to sit up, but Cas just pushed him back with a slight growl which went straight to Dean’s cock. 

“Dean, stop moving. I am going to heal you, and then I am going to clean you up.” Cas said. The gleam in his eye intensified and Dean's heart started to race. “But I will do it my way and you will lie there and not. Move.” Cas commanded. 

Dean’s dick became downright painful, it was so hard hearing that forceful tone. He barely managed a nod, too caught up in a haze of lust and want. 

Cas straddled Dean's stomach. He went to put the cloth on his face and Dean instinctively tried to stop him. 

“Dean!” Cas growled — _really growled, and god if Dean barely suppressed his whimper in time._ He pushed Dean's hands up and forcefully wrapped Dean’s fingers around the headboard's bars. “Don't. Move.” Dean nodded eyes wide, as he tried to relax. Fuck, but Cas being so domineering was such a huge turn on for Dean. 

Within a few seconds Dean realized Cas wasn't healing him the typical way. No, the angel would wipe the moist cloth and remove the dirt and blood from a bruise or cut, and then kiss it. A sliver of grace could be felt like a thousand tiny pinpricks of pleasure as it healed him. At first, Dean sighed and relaxed as bruise after cut after bruise was cleaned and kissed by the angel with the warm cloth that never got cold. By the time Cas made it to Dean's chest, after having spent way too long healing his neck region, Dean was squirming. 

“Cas!” Dean yelped when he felt the angel's mouth cover one of his nipples and nibble slightly. “Fuck, that's… I wasn't hurt there.” Dean whimpered, actually let go and whimpered, but he was too lost in sensation to be embarrassed now.

“My mistake.” Cas deadpanned, but when Dean looked at him, he had a twinkle in his eye. 

And so it went. Cas slowly, agonizingly slow, moved down Dean's body, wiped, kissed, nibbled, and released a frisson of grace. Dean was going out of his mind by the time Cas finished with his last toe and returned to his groin. 

“Did you get injured here?” Cas asked with a smirk. Dean jumped when the warm moist cloth encircled his penis before he got a chance to respond. 

Dean was harder than he had ever been in his entire life. “No, ah, ah, no, wait, yes, yes, Cas!” Dean quickly corrected with a gasp, blatantly lying with his last working brain cell. Cas’ smirk widened.

Dean's eyes rolled in the back of his head when the moist heat of the cloth was suddenly replaced with the moist heat of Cas' mouth as, oh fuck, the angel swallowed him whole in one go. Dean was so on edge from the little healing kisses of grace, he didn't even get to warn Cas before he was having one of the most intense orgasms of his life.

“Cas!” Dean cried out in the throes of passion. Cas’ eyes had gotten dark with lust, pupils dilated to the point of completely overwhelming his irises as he looked up, watching Dean with a sultry look as he sinfully yet gently licked Dean’s cock clean.

Dean felt boneless. 

“Cas?” Dean managed to utter once the remnants from the aftermath of his orgasm started to dissipate. “Where did you—how did you…” Dean tried to make sense, but his brain was still mush.

“The Pizza Man’s Men.” Cas replied matter of factly.

“The Pizza Man’s Men.” Dean repeated dumbly. And then he chuckled, reaching for the angel, only for Cas to pull away. Dean frowned. Did he do something wrong? He’d barely had the time to spiral down into a proper panic, but then Cas was leaning down and capturing his lips in a mind-blowing kiss. 

“Cas,” Dean whimpered as the angel pulled back again. 

The blue of Cas’ eyes was dark and stormy. 

“I only healed the front of you, Dean.” Cas said. He chuckled when Dean's eyes widened. Anticipation and lust began to course through his body yet again — mixed in with a little dread, because Dean wasn’t sure if all the pleasure might just kill him.

Thirty minutes later, his entire back, from shoulders to feet, was healed and clean. And still, Dean was tense with anticipation as Cas was now kneading his ass a few times before he gently pulled his cheeks apart. “So beautiful, Dean. My Everything, all mine.” Cas growled. 

“All yours, Cas.” Dean agreed, breathless. And then Cas kissed his hole and he felt the amazing frisson of grace. Dean's nerve endings all fired up and he felt a bolt of ecstasy rip through him and then, _oh god,_ the angel was definitely going to kill him, because Dean felt Cas' tongue push into his hole and more grace like sensations pulsed into him simultaneously opening him up.

“Cas, fuck, you're, you…” Dean was mindlessly blabbering, overcome with pleasure.

Cas stopped just shy of another orgasm from Dean and was pushing Dean’s legs further apart. “Wait a sec!” Dean wasn’t sure why he’d even think of stopping, but when Cas obligingly sat back, Dean remembered.

He turned himself onto his back. 

“Dean?” Cas asked with his adorable head tilt. Unable to help his automatic response, Dean smiled, even as blushed, feeling a little stupid. “I just want to see you, Cas.” 

Cas' smile was wide and gummy. In the blink of an eye Cas was now gloriously naked and kneeling on the bed. 

Startled, Dean's gaze drank in the sight of his angel, his gaze roaming from his blue eyes to his — oh. Shit. Cas was _packing._ His really large and hard cock was leaking precum at the tip showing Dean just how much his angel had enjoyed exploring Dean’s body. Dean, when able to have a coherent thought, felt bad that he was the only one receiving pleasure. But apparently, his angel had also enjoyed it… very much so, judging by his straining erection and the amount of precum leaking out of him. 

“Dean, please. Is this okay?” Cas asked. As if Dean would ever say no to this.

“Yes, please. Please, Cas, please.” And Cas leaned back down and Dean finally felt the naked skin of his angel against his skin as their lips crashed together. Dean couldn’t get enough of kissing those perfectly plump lips. Even the fact that they were slightly chapped didn’t fail to send bolts of arousal through him. 

“Cas!” Dean whimpered, his back arched as he felt the head of Cas' cock pressing up against his rim. 

Cas pushed in slowly, and Dean reveled in every sensation. The pleasure he felt had his head ready to explode, and then Cas paused when he bottomed out, balls snug against Dean’s ass. 

Dean squirmed. “Cas, God, move. You’re killing me here.” Dean begged, trying to buck his hips.

Cas's blue eyes were blown, almost entirely black with lust and want. “Mine!” He growled as he — _finally_ — started to move. It was unlike any experience Dean had ever had. He felt his very soul reaching out and Cas' grace returning the embrace, until it felt like they were merging together. Cas increased his pace, slamming harder and harder into Dean, and Dean felt his orgasm building and building, feelings of pure love and unbelievable ecstasy filled him. Cas reached down and grabbed Dean's shoulder right where the handprint laid beneath the skin and at that touch, Dean screamed Cas' name, his eyes remaining locked with Cas' as green and blue melded together. Cas’ eyes burned bright, brighter still, and Dean felt the angel let go. The air became electrified, the room shook, and all the lights in the motel blew out as they screamed each other’s names and came together. 

Minutes later — or hours, Dean wasn't sure — he finally came down from his high to find himself wrapped in Cas' arms. “Holy fucking shit!” Dean tried to exclaim, but his voice was hoarse from the screaming and it came out as a croak which caused Cas to chuckle.

“My sentiments exactly.” Cas said. He pressed a light kiss to Dean's forehead. 

Dean finally noticed the darkness they were shrouded in. It didn’t take him too long to put two and two together, and he grinned up at the angel. “You blew out all the lights.” Dean said.

“I did.” Cas said, looking far too smug and not at all ashamed about the fact. 

Now it was Dean's turn to chuckle. “Will that always happen?'' Dean asked, waving a hand around the room to indicate the absence of light and — oh, hello, the TV and picture frames decorating the room were also cracked.

Cas' eyes burned blue for a second with a look of possessiveness that had Dean's cock valiantly trying to harden again. “No. I will control it better now that I know what to expect.'' Cas said. He still didn’t sound one bit repentant. Maybe Dean would’ve had something to say about that, but he never did as the warmth and security cocooning him had him drifting off...

He dozed for what felt like a few hours. When he woke up, he was still nice and warm, all wrapped up in his angel's arms. Cas seemed to be mediating, or maybe he was somehow asleep, because his eyes were closed and his body relaxed.

Grinning, Dean carefully extracted himself and pushed the angel onto his back. 

“Dean?” Cas mumbled, his eyes opening in slits.

“Shush, it's my turn now, Cas.” And with that, Dean proceeded to explore every inch of his angel. He learned what spots made Cas gasp and what spots made him whimper. After wringing two orgasms out of the angel — thankfully, without exploding any of the lights again — and very grateful for the angel's apparently no refractory time — Dean straddled Cas and sank down onto his hard and leaking cock in one swift, easy movement, before proceeding to give the angel the ride of his life.

Over the next day and a half, they never left the bed except to clean up, use the restroom, and feed Dean. In short, it was absolute bliss. Dean never wanted it to end, but he knew the conversations they needed to have had been pushed off long enough. 

Dean dressed in his jeans and a T-shirt after taking a shower. Cas tilted his head for a second, clearly confused as to why Dean would bother dressing when they’d been naked for a while now. But then noticing Dean's serious look, Cas nodded. After snapping his fingers so that he was fully dressed, Cas sat up. Dean sat on the bed so that they were facing each other, their poses so similar to the day they agreed to move their relationship forward.

“Cas… we need to talk. I have some stuff to tell you and, I’m not gonna lie, it's not pretty.” Dean said. He was already trembling with nerves, which Cas saw and frowned at. “I hope it won’t change the way you feel.” Dean murmured, his eyes uncertain and scared. 

“Never!” Cas said confidently and Dean actually believed him. Dean opened his mouth and then closed it again. His mind was screaming with John's threats and promises of what would happen if he ever told anyone, but he pushed the voice out and relaxed, because this was Cas, his angel. He leaned into Cas’ hand as the angel squeezed his shoulder gently in support.

“Cas, I need to tell you about my dad, and, uh, what….” Dean started but then the room lit up. He gasped as he saw Cas face fill with terror right before he was sucked out of the room. 

Eyes wide with shock and fear, Dean looked around to find John leaning against the door, his hand dripping blood, with what must have been an angel banishing sigil still faintly glowing. It wasn’t like anything Dean had ever seen before, though. And John…

John was holding a strange looking gun in his other hand.

“Dean, son… What did I tell you about telling our secrets?” John tsked. And with an evil smirk twisting his face, he didn’t even pause for a beat before he raised the gun and shot Dean in the chest twice.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Waves from witness protection. Sorry guys.
> 
> I actually wrote the last part of the chapter at the beginning of the story and couldn't wait to be able to post it because let's face it, even though you'all are probably really upset with me right now, its a great cliffhanger but I found myself really nervous now that it was time to post hence why its late. Please go easy on me. 
> 
> I do hope you liked the love scene though. Apparently I can't really write fluffy smut very well. I wanted it to be an epic love scene but had a really hard time getting that across. 
> 
> I'll try to post sooner than the week due to the cliffhanger but I still have to write part of it, its just a small part so I will try to get it done this weekend and maybe post Wednesday. 
> 
> Sorry again!


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys sorry I didn't get this up last night. I know I left you with a nasty cliffhanger last week, so I actually wrote the last part of this chapter yesterday so you guys know Dean's fate and do not have to wait another week or two to find out. 
> 
> The comments were great. You're all so amazing. I was expecting much harsher comments than I got. I am so fortunate this story has such wonderful readers. Once again thanks so very much for the kudos and comments. We are creeping up on the 400 mark for kudos which is awesome. 
> 
> See end for triggers.
> 
> Thanks guys I will see you next week.

Sam was pissed. He planned to spend the whole afternoon at the library and now a pipe had burst and they closed. Frustrated at not being able to study Sam decided to be rebellious and walk home instead of calling Dean for a ride. He knew Dean was going to be pissed, his extremely overprotective brother was so infuriating at times. Sam was 13, old enough to not be so babied, and even though Sam secretly liked that Dean cared so much he hated all the restrictions placed on him. So screw it, he was walking home and he would deal with Dean later. 

Walking up to the small house they were renting Sam smiled when he saw John’s truck parked outside. He didn’t know his father was coming home today and now he was glad about the mishap at the library. Sam and John butted heads a lot but he still missed him when he wasn’t there. Sam frowned though at the thought of how Dean acted around his father, turning into a shadow who was always jumping to do what John wanted. 

That Sam didn’t like.

Sam let himself in and was puzzled at the quiet and empty rooms downstairs. Walking up the stairs Sam froze when he heard what sounded like a slap and a painful moan. “ _ What the hell?”  _ Sam thought and crept up as silent as he could. He stopped in front of John’s closed door and again heard sounds of another slap and a definite moan almost as if the person making the muffled noise was gagged. Fear slithered down his spine and he looked widely around for a weapon but before he could move he heard his father’s voice. “That’s right, you slut, take it. You want it, you little whore.” 

Sam’s face flamed red in embarrassment, his father was having sex — and kinky sex at that. Sam was so shocked he stood there for a few more minutes. More sounds of slaps, more moans of pain and John spouting off more filth. “So beautiful, so fucking good for me, all you’re meant for, just a cock hungry slut.” 

Sam couldn’t believe anyone would want to be subjected to that but he was old enough now to know people were weird. Sam silently made his way back downstairs and sat on the couch. That was a side of his father he wished he’d never known about. Sam was shocked Dean was sleeping through that because the Impala was parked out front too. He must have his earphones in, Sam reasoned as he put on the TV. He settled in wondering about John’s friend and what she looked like. An hour or so later John came down the stairs. His eyes widened at seeing Sam there. 

“Sam, my boy, I didn’t know you were home. Weren’t you at the library?” John asked a strange look on his face. 

“Busted pipe.” Sam said. “I just got home.” He lied and John’s visibly relaxed. 

John pulled Sam into a hug and patted him on the back. “I missed you, son. What’s been going on at school?” John asked and they settled in the kitchen. Having his father’s attention without them fighting was a novelty for Sam so he started to talk until Dean limped in the kitchen. Sam frowned because Dean was pale and looked like he was in pain. Dean didn’t even yell at him for walking home, he just gave Sam a pat on the head and started making dinner. John ignored Dean as usual. 

“You okay, Dean?” Sam asked, concerned, but Dean just nodded. 

“Dean got in a brawl at the bar.” John said and Sam frowned because Dean almost always came out on top when he got into fights, which he mostly avoided since it brought too much attention to them. 

Dean just nodded and Sam saw Dean gingerly sit down and tug his shirt down his hands. Sam noticed red marks on his throat peeking out from his collar.  _ “What the hell kind of fight had he gotten into?”  _ He wondered, but soon found himself distracted from worrying about his brother by John being so attentive. 

It wasn’t until Sam was lying in bed that he realized he never saw John’s partner leave the house. The couch faced the door so they would have been impossible to miss and he got a book from his father before bed so he knew there was no one else in the bedroom. He had spied the tips of handcuffs still attached to the bedpost though and ran out quickly, embarrassed again knowing about that side of his father. 

But what happened to the person? 

Sam woke up with a jerk and frowned at the dream/memory. Why the fuck was he remembering that, Sam wondered, wincing at being reminded of his father’s sex life. But come to think of it, he still didn’t know what happened to that person.

_ “Is this getting you all hot and bothered, Daddy Winchester?”  _

A horrifying thought crossed Sam’s mind. It couldn’t have been, there was no way, it was D…  _ No! _ Sam yelled at himself, shuddering in disgust at where his mind went. God, he was fucked up to think that. 

_ “Seeing Dean all chained up and down on his knees?”  _

Filled with horror at even the suggestion that his dad and… No, no, no, not going there. Sam swore and looked at the clock. It was only 4 am, so he settled back down to try to sleep some more.

After that dream it was like a floodgate of memories had opened up somewhere inside Sam, because the next few nights he had similar dream/memories of Dean being hurt and each morning, Sam would push the horrifying thoughts he had down deep and go about his business. He finished the small haunting he was in town for and after receiving a text from his dad that he was doing well and would text in another few days, Sam was left with nothing to do but think. If something was going on with Dad and Dean, Dean would have told him, Sam rationalized. 

_ “A little more tequila, a little less demon-hunting…” _

Sam scoffed at his memory of the look on Dean’s face when he said that. He was mixing things up in his head, he admonished himself, and after a few beers went to bed. 

But once again, Sam tossed and turned in his sleep as his mind kept bringing back memories in his dreams. Catching Dean taking some meds after Flagstaff, Dean beat to hell and pale as a ghost, just waving Sam away. “Got into some trouble and was in the hospital a few days, no big deal, Sammy.” He had said and limped away. 

Flashes of Dean with that same limp multiple times throughout their childhood, bruised and quiet and always when John was home. He limped so much that Sam had entertained the thought that Dean had a bad hip or something and when he asked Dean about it, his brother had gotten so pale, Sam thought he was going to pass out and tears had sprang to Dean’s eyes before he caught himself. He then yelled at Sam so Sam never asked again. 

Feeling like he had gotten no rest yet again, he got up and made some coffee and sat, staring at his laptop. 

Sam couldn’t shake all the memories for some reason. He thought back to how Dean started getting into bar fights a lot the few years before he left for Stanford so eventually it was just a normal thing to see Dean hurt. 

But why did it always happen when John was around? 

_ “Dean told me a lot about you too _ ….”

Sam started to feel sick. It couldn’t be. There was no way. Sam was filled with horror and he started to shake. It was ludicrous to think such a horrible thought but his mind wouldn’t shut off. It was like a floodgate was opened. 

Desperate for some answers, Sam called Dean, which predictably went unanswered. He then tried Cas, but again, no answer. Sam tried to call his father who was off helping a friend of his on a hunt that he said would take a couple of weeks. John had been in touch with Sam by text though, which was a nice change from before, when he would never reach out until the hunt was done. John texted Sam every couple of days to check in. Sam was glad his dad didn’t pick up because really, what was he going to say or ask? 

Frustrated and feeling sick and anxious, Sam decided he would do what he did best. He started to research. 

____________________

Papers, notes, copies of medical records and police files lay scattered across the table and on the floor surrounding Sam, as well as some psychiatric articles, one of which Sam was reading intently on his laptop.  _ How to recognize familial sexual abuse _ . Sam was sick to his stomach, brain screaming at him with all the information he had uncovered in his research, matching aliases with towns they lived in, searching hospital databases for records of said aliases. It was overwhelming and Sam had been at it for a couple of days, sleeping only when his eyes couldn’t read or research any more, only to be plagued with more dream memories. 

16-year-old male with evidence of severe abuse.

_ “Dean told me a lot about you too _ ….” 

Infected lacerations on back consistent with being whipped.

_ “You left on my watch. And when dad got home…” _

Deep tissue bruising, wrists, ankles and neck.

_ “Seeing Dean all chained up and down on his knees?”  _

Anal tearing.

_ “Dean you little bitch. I told you to wait for me on that goddamn bed and you left.” _

Anal scarring indicative of prolonged abuse.

_ “You’ll be crying and begging me to stop you ungrateful little whore.” _

“NO! NO! NO!” Sam yelled. He swept his arm across the table, scattering the paper everywhere. Frantic, Sam started to tear whatever he could get his hands on to pieces as he flung them around in his grief and overwhelming shock.

“No!” Sam yelled again as he picked up his laptop to slam it into the wall and then he froze, deflated like a popped balloon and sat down, putting the laptop back on the table. Sam slumped in despair and fatigue, his head resting on his hands, eyes focusing again on the article.

“Finally getting a bloody clue, Moose?” Crowley said, his mouth close to Sam’s ear as he bent down to read what Sam was looking at.

Sam shot up out of the chair, almost smacking into the demon in fright. 

“Crowley! What the hell!” Sam yelled — and then the demon’s words sunk in. 

“You knew!” Sam accused.

_______

John sighed as he sat back on the surprisingly comfortable chair and popped open a beer. He had finally finished putting up all the warding and sigils. John looked around, the cabin was cozy and familiar looking. Taking another long pull of his beer John took out his phone and shot Sam a text letting him know he was okay and things were going slow with his hunt. Damn, he was proud of that boy, and he couldn’t be more happy with the way their relationship had changed for the better since coming back. 

John went to put his phone away and then hesitated. He didn’t want to check in like some kind of lackey but until he figured out just how to permanently get rid of them, he had to play nice. Sighing again, John texted the number.  _ Everything’s on track. Will touch base soon _ . Smiling at the look of fury his text would probably elicit since it was so vague, John finished his beer, finally letting his gaze come to rest on the bed. Excitement and anticipation thrummed through his veins as he looked at Dean chained to the bed. Those tranq darts were pretty powerful. Dean hadn’t even stirred during the ride here or John getting set up but he should be coming around soon. 

John forced himself to wait until Dean woke up before enjoying himself. He was going to make up for all their lost time before the training began. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know its another cliff hanger but I honestly hadn't intended for Dean/John to be part of this chapter and I added that because I really didn't want you guys wondering if Dean was dead. We are also to the point in the story where stuff is going to be happening every chapter so they are unavoidable at this point. 
> 
> Yay, Sam finally starts to figure things out. 
> 
> Triggers include references to abuse (Sam's memory of John's "guest") and John's thoughts, but nothing too graphic.


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, sorry for the delay (I know I say that every week), but I lost power for 2 days and got behind in everything. I did get some more writing done, and I'm pretty happy with what came out in the first draft. There are just a couple of pivotal chapters to write and I will be done and can concentrate on tweaking what's left. 
> 
> This is a continuation of the last chapter. We are on the final arc of the story so things will be slowing down a bit, but there is still a lot more to come. 
> 
> The story reached 400 kudos, which is absolutely amazing and I'm so happy. Thank you all so much for leaving the kudos and the continuing comments. Your all such wonderful readers. Once again I'm sorry it takes me a week to respond to comments and I hope I have not missed any. If I have I apologize but after that weird mishap with the comments I think its been working okay. 
> 
> See end for notes. 
> 
> Have a great week everybody.

“You knew!” Sam accused.

Crowley just nodded.

“So it's really true? My Dad and Dean?” Sam said, his voice small.

Crowley gave another nod, watching as the younger Winchester just crumbled down to the floor, his face a mask of pain, betrayal, and grief. 

Crowley snapped two glasses of Craig into existence, pushing one into Sam’s hands. “Drink up, Moose.” Crowley ordered as he sat down. 

Sam drank. It took a moment, but some color began to return to his pale cheeks by the time he looked at Crowley with tears in his eyes.

Crowley opened his mouth and then hesitated. Was he going to break Dean’s trust and spill... or keep the secret like Dean would have wanted? Crowley then thought about how scared and traumatized Dean had looked when he snapped into that hotel room after John tried to force himself once again on Dean. His expression hardened. He’d sworn if John did one more thing, he would do whatever it took. He just had to hope that in time, Dean would forgive him. Manipulating Sam’s dreams to force some memories out was one thing, but outright confirming it…

Besides, the Moose came up with proof on his own, so it won’t totally be Crowley's fault, he reasoned, fingers metaphorically crossed. Loathe as he was to admit it, he couldn’t bear the thought of Dean not being a part of his life anymore. 

Clearing his throat and bringing himself back to the present, Crowley looked back over at Sam who had pulled himself up off the floor while Crowley spaced out a bit and was now sitting in a chair. 

“Most higher level demons know.” Crowley said and took a sip. 

Sam pondered this for a minute. He scowled. “Alastair?” He spat out the word like a curse which, Crowley mused, he supposed it was.

“Well, he did have your dad and your brother on the rack. No way that secret would have escaped him.” Crowley explained. His face twisted in disgust at some memories. “Alastair used that against your brother. It was brutal.” Crowley murmured and shuddered at the memories. If the subject of Alastair’s torture hadn’t been Dean, then he would’ve applauded Alastair for his methods. 

Sam’s face started to crumble again. With a roll of his eyes, Crowley quietly swore. “Bollocks!”

“But that’s all done and over with, right?” Sam asked, delusionally hopefully. “I mean, he hasn’t tried anything since he’s been back... right?” Sam asked, but he knew, deep down, after hearing his father’s words the day he trashed the room, the derogatory ways he spoke about Dean… and it was just too much, too crazy to fathom that his father had done something like that. Yet, the emotional part of Sam’s brain overrode the logical. 

_ No. Just— Fuck. No.  _ He refused to accept it. It wasn’t possible. It’s all a big mistake. As Sam tried to reason with himself, his face hardened, and a stubborn look replaced the devastated one. 

“I don’t believe it.” Sam said. “This is some kind of trick to keep Dean all to yourself.” Sam accused, rising from his seat and moving toward his weapons.

Crowley blinked at Sam and then rolled his eyes dramatically. “Unbelievable.” Crowley sneered. He downed his glass and got up to leave. “Stay here and bask in your delusions if you want. Just tell me if you’ve seen your brother, because he missed an important meeting.” Crowley didn't even attempt to hide his disgust with Sam. 

Sam’s head jerked up at that, eyes narrowing in thought. “Um, no, I haven’t spoken to him in days.” Sam answered. 

Crowley’s eyes narrowed even further, but before he could say anything else, Cas arrived in a flutter of wings “Sam!”

“What's wrong, Cas?” Sam asked, his mind automatically dreading whatever had Cas looking so harried.

“I think Dean has been taken.” Cas said in a rush.

“You think?” Crowley mockingly repeated, glaring as he stepped into the angel’s sight. 

“I was blasted away by a sigil. It was so powerful, I never felt anything like it before. I was gone for days.” Cas exclaimed grimly. Sam's face paled, while Crowley looked fearful.

“Dean was supposed to meet me last night. It was something very important — he wouldn't have not shown up.” Crowley said. “That's why I came here looking for him.”

Castiel was a visible mess. His grace was still not recovered from that blast, and he was worried sick. 

“I’ll be right back.” Crowley scowled and disappeared. 

Cas tried to calm himself as he ran his hands through his hair, tugging at it in his distress. Sam made a small noise and Cas finally looked at the younger Winchester. He was taken aback by his appearance. Cas’s eyes roamed over the room and took in the torn pieces of paper and files thrown across the table and floor, and then looked back at Sam’s haggard appearance. 

“Sam… what is all of this?” Cas asked slowly.

“Nothing. It's just a trick. It's not true.” Sam snarled out, his face hard. 

“What do you mean? What’s not true?” Cas grabbed a piece of paper off the table that hadn’t been torn up. Quickly examining it, the angel looked up at Sam in shock. 

“Explain this,” Cas ordered.

Before Sam could respond, Crowley was back and Cas felt his grace shiver in distress at Crowley’s stricken look.

“I went to the room.” Crowley said. “I saw the sigil and I’ve never seen anything like it either. But what’s of more worry is that the room stank of skunk’s cabbage and ash.” Crowley said, his eyes bleeding red.

“No,” Sam said, but it was half-hearted as reality slapped him in the face. 

“What does that mean?” Cas asked. He had smelled it too when he went back, but he didn’t understand why both Crowley and Sam were so upset about it.

Crowley answered, but his eyes were boring holes into Sam. “It means, feathers, that whoever took Dean knew about Benny and made sure he wouldn’t be able to track Dean by covering up his scent.”

Castiel just stared at the demon, still not quite understanding when Sam punched the wall.

“Sam!” Castiel cried out. He rushed over to the hunter and quickly healed his smashed hand. “What is going on?” He asked again.

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Tell me, Moose,” Crowley sneered. His tolerance for the younger Winchester was nearing its end. “How many people actually know about Benny?” Crowley spat, his gaze laser focused on Sam. 

Sam met the demon's eyes. Cas frowned once again as acceptance and pain filled his eyes. “It means— it means.” Sam’s voice cut off as he choked up with tears. “That only six people knew about Benny, so…”

And just like that, Cas understood. “So it had to be one of us.” He finished.

“And where is your bloody excuse for a father anyway?” Crowley demanded.

“Crowley, no. I don’t think dad would hurt Dean — especially like…  _ that _ — not now. I mean, I know he’s been rough on Dean since he got back, but that’s just, it's impossible.” His eyes were watering, from fear, frustration, anger — at whom, he was not sure. Himself? Definitely. His dad… yeah, but there  _ had _ to be another explanation. 

Eyes lighting up with a possibility, Sam locked eyes with the demon. “Crowley, my dad was probably possessed or under a spell or something when Dean was younger, right? That would explain it all.” 

Crowley sneered at Sam while Cas squinted in confusion. He looked down at the papers again. His grace started to scream at him as he read through the stuff Sam hadn’t torn apart. 

Eyes wide with distress, Cas remembered what Dean had said, what he tried to tell him about his dad.

“Dean, he…” Cas started, Sam and Crowley both looked at him. 

“He what, Castiel?” Crowley demanded. He was impatient now that he knew Dean was in danger, even if these idiots didn’t accept it. 

“We hadn’t gotten around to talking until this morning, and Dean was going to tell me something about John when I got blasted away.” 

“How long were you with Dean?” Sam asked. “Did he mention my call?” 

“A couple of days and, no. I’m sorry, Sam.” Cas said softly. 

Crowley’s growl had their gazes jerking to him, Sam and Cas shocked as Crowley’s narrowed eyes glowed a furious red after Cas’s statement.

Sam opened his mouth, and it took everything in the demon not to strangle the twit.

“That doesn’t mean anything,” Sam said defensively, albeit weaker than before. 

“We don’t have time for this nonsense,” Crowley snarled. “You want to see what I interrupted when your dad first got here, Moose, or why I moved Dean not that long ago?”

“I, uh. I’m not sur…” Sam started to stutter out, his eyes widening from fear and confusion.

“Too bloody bad.” Crowley grabbed onto Sam. Cas simultaneously grabbed Crowley, thinking he was going to hurt Sam, and all three were thrown back to Crowley’s memory of the motel room, watching as John held Dean against the wall. 

“ _ You don’t get to say no to me, Dean. Do I really have to train you all over again?” _ _ John asked, working Dean’s button open and unzipping his jeans, his arousal hard and pushing at Dean’s ass.  _

The scene changed and they saw Crowley sitting with Dean, who was drinking juice as he haltingly told Crowley what John had attempted, his face white with terror and eyes full of tears. 

Letting go of the memories, Crowley stepped back in satisfaction and watched as the truth slammed into Sam. Acceptance and pain flared in his eyes. At the sudden brightening of the room, Crowley looked at the angel, whose expression was downright terrifying. The room started to shine with blue light as the angel burned up in rage. 

“Fuck!” Crowley threw a hard thrust of his demon power at the angel, hoping to stop him from imploding. Taking a small amount of pleasure when his power knocked the angel onto his ass, Castiel came back to himself, the fearsome angel of the lord expression morphing into despair. 

“Oh, Dean…” His own eyes watering, Castiel closed them, head dropping down. 

“Ok, enough!” Crowley yelled, snapping their attention back to him. “For the last time, answer the question, Moose. Where is daddy dearest?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry no Dean this chapter, but he will be back next week and it will be rough. This chapter really needed to happen back to back with the last one so I had to postpone Dean for a week. Sorry about that I know you are all worried about what he's going through. 
> 
> I had to add some push/pull from Sam on this because I think anyone in that situation would go through a phase of denial and I hope I portrayed it in a realistic way. 
> 
> Triggers include references to past abuse of a minor. Crowley's memories of John forcing himself on Dean.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope everyone had a good week. We are back with Dean in this chapter and lots of triggers here. Its a bad one. You can skip the first part and start reading at the page break if don't want to read the more graphic stuff and I will put a summary at the bottom. 
> 
> So I have most of the next chapter written but it is a very rough draft. The chapter after I'm kind of having some trouble with so the next two chapters may take a little longer than a week to post. Hopefully not but I just wanted to warn you ahead of time. I hate being stuck so I'm going to try to push through it. 
> 
> As always thank you all so very much for the kudos and comments. They are wonderful to get at any time but especially help when I'm sort of blocked like I am now. 
> 
> See end for triggers.

The first thing Dean felt when he swam back into semi-consciousness was that his chest was killing him. Dean went to rub it and froze at the click of chains and the fact that his arms only moved slightly. Jerking fully awake, Dean opened his eyes and took in his predicament. There were manacles around his wrists and ankles, chaining him to a bed spread eagle, hands and feet attached to the four bed posts. 

_ What the hell happened? _ Dean tried to move again, but it only shot more pain through his chest, and then it all came back to him. John blasting Cas away. John shooting Dean. Dean looked at his chest and saw the two pinprick bruises that were deep purple in color. 

“Son of a Bitch!” Dean swore. Who knew fucking tranquilizer darts would hurt so much? It took another second of glaring down at the bruises on his chest, when Dean suddenly realized he was naked. 

“Fuck!” Dean swore again with more vehemence. He looked around. He was in a cabin, an erringly familiar looking cabin, and Dean felt the wash of fear through his whole body when he flashed back to the last time he was chained to a bed in a cabin. 

“Looks a lot like the last place doesn’t it?” John remarked casually. Dean jerked his head around glaring at his father who was seated at a table opposite the bed, slumped back like he hadn’t a care in the world. 

“What’d you do to Cas?” Dean demanded, still looking around and taking in his surroundings, trying to figure a way out of this. 

John waved his hand dismissively. “He’s fine. For now.” He followed with a smug smile.

“Meaning?” Dean spat as his heart rate increased. 

“You’ll see, but enough about that monster.” John said. He got up and walked over to Dean.

“He’s not a monster, you son of a—” Dean yelled, only to be cut short by a powerful slap across his face. 

“Watch your tone, boy.” John grabbed Dean’s chin hard enough to leave fingertip shaped bruises. “And do not ever mention that name again.” John snarled out. He leaned over and plunged his tongue into Dean’s mouth in a rough kiss. John was squeezing his chin so hard, Dean couldn’t even bite down on the invading tongue. 

John released him with that smug look again. With a rebellious glare, Dean spat the taste of John out in his direction, and the smug look changed to anger. John glared and then once again his mood changed, all lighting fast as he smiled.

“You’re going to regret that, Dean. In fact, you’re going to regret a lot of things by the time we are through here.” John said. Dean’s eyes widened in dread as he watched his father get undressed. “But first, we have a lot of catching up to do.”

Dean pulled desperately and futilely at the chains which had no give. At the most, he only succeeded in squirming around like a flailing fish. “Don’t fucking touch me!” Dean yelled, but John just tsked. 

“Dean,  _ son _ , I’m going to do whatever I want. So, enough already.” 

John sat on the bed, completely naked, cock rock hard and leaking. Dean felt bile rise in his throat as John started to stroke his hands all over Dean’s body. “Stop!” Dean tried to order, but John just ignored him and viciously pinched a nipple before bending over and nibbling… and then biting down hard on it. 

“ _ Fucking _ — stop, you—” Dean once again was stopped mid sentence by a slap across his face.

John shook his head and got up. He went over to a bag and rummaged around in it. Tears started to fall down the sides of Dean’s face when he saw the gag and other items John brought back over.

“I’ve waited too long for this, Dean, I’m not going to have you ruin it for me by running your mouth.” John brought the ball gag up to Dean’s face but Dean refused to open his mouth. John just sighed and looked at Dean like he was dealing with a child. Reaching over, he plugged Dean’s nose. He tried to hold out, he really did, but eventually, Dean couldn’t hold his breath anymore and opened his mouth with a gasp — and found his mouth quickly filled with the large rubber ball. John tightened the straps and wiggled a small padlock in front of Dean’s teary eyes before locking the gag in place. Dean thumped his head down on the bed in despair. He turned and looked at his arm, wondering if he could make the Mark work on command. John, seeing what Dean was looking at, laughed. “Oh, almost forgot the best part.” 

Dean made a few more futile pulls at the chains as John went back over to the bag. He screamed a muffled protest when he saw what John was carrying as he returned. “Don’t!” Dean screamed, or at least tried to, but it all went ignored. John held the object up in front of Dean’s face. It was a thick, metal collar, but what really worried Dean were the devil traps and some other sigils he could see carved into the metal. 

“I know all about that Mark on your arm, Dean, probably more than you do at this point, so these,” he pointed at the sigils, “are going to make sure you don’t get any help from it while we’re here.” John snickered at the look on Dean’s face. Dean could only lie there while John fastened the collar around his neck. It was heavy,  _ really _ heavy, and tight enough to feel with every swallow, but not enough to block his airway. 

John’s eyes grew dark with lust when he saw the collar around Dean’s neck. “Collared like a bitch,” he purred. Dean tried to glare, but he was too scared. He didn’t want this, god, he really, really didn’t want this. He had just spent some of the best days of his life with Cas. How was he here again with his bastard of a father?

Dean tried to block John out and think about anything else and not the hands that roamed over every part of his body, the mouth and teeth that bit and sucked bruises on his skin, the fingers that pushed into him and made Dean scream in pain behind the gag, the look on his father’s face, the words that poured out of John’s mouth as he murmured how beautiful Dean was and how he missed him and this was where he belonged. It didn’t work. Dean felt everything, heard everything, and he prayed to Cas to help him as John forced his way inside Dean’s body and started to fuck Dean so hard the whole bed was moving. 

__________________

Dean wasn’t sure how much time passed. He thinks at least two days, maybe more, but John was insatiable. Every time John dragged Dean, still chained up, into the bathroom to go or be cleaned off, he rechained Dean in a different position. The worst of it, though, was when John was worn out and tired. He would then chain Dean’s arms and legs together to the bed, and wrap himself around Dean and go to sleep, making Dean the little spoon. Feeling John’s sweaty, hairy skin up against him made Dean want to throw up. He had to force himself not to, because John only removed the gag to give him water and protein shakes. 

At least John hadn’t started with the pain yet, but it didn’t matter. Dean was not going to give in to John again. The last time John had felt the need to train Dean and had taken him to a cabin, it had only taken a week before Dean caved, and it still took another week of reinforcement to turn Dean back into an obedient soldier. But Dean had had nonstop years of it being conditioned into him to obey John and never question him, or suffer the consequences. 

Then things started to get really bad. John had started to really scare Dean with his anger and his treatment of Dean, not helped by the fact that Sam and his dad were constantly fighting. So, when Dean had turned eighteen, he had a brief moment of sanity and took Sam, running away to Bobby’s for help in disappearing. But Dean never got a chance to work up the courage to confide in Bobby before John grabbed him from a grocery store parking lot. A made up hunt to explain his absence to Bobby, and a stay in a cabin alone with John, and Dean never questioned his dad again. 

But Dean wasn’t eighteen anymore, and Dean had dealt with way bigger monsters than his father. Yeah, he was scared and disgusted and would give anything to be anywhere other than here with his father, but he wouldn’t show his father his fear, and most importantly, he wouldn’t break this time. 

John sat on the bed and chuckled at Dean’s glare. He removed the gag and offered him some water. Dean took it because he knew he had to keep himself hydrated if he was going to get out of this. So, Dean drank the water and then promptly turned his head away from his John. 

John laughed. “Not going to say thank you, Dean? That’s just rude, boy.” John said. He grabbed a fistful of Dean’s hair and yanked him around to face John. 

“Go to hell!” Dean snarled. 

“Been there, done that, sweetheart.” John replied as he pulled Dean's head back, arching his neck to the point of pain. “So, fun time is over. How’s this going to go, Dean? If you show me that you’ll obey me from now on, I’ll go easy on you. But if you’re going to be stubborn, then I’m going to cause you a lot of pain.” John said. His eyes glittered with the thought of hurting Dean. 

“You’re such a sick fuck.” Dean yelled, trying to pull his head out of John’s grip. “Obey you? Never!” Dean vowed. “I’m a grown ass man, stronger and smarter now. It’s never gonna happen. Just let me go and stay the fuck away from me and I won’t kill you.” Dean threatened. 

John just laughed. He brought his face right up against Dean’s and nipped at Dean’s lips with his teeth. “You really think you can stand up to me, Dean? You’re pathetic. You had a loaded gun pointed at my chest and you let me walk right up to you and push it away. That’s not being strong, son. That’s being weak.”

Dean flinched at the words

“It does, however, show me that you are still my good little soldier deep down inside. I just have to pull it out and everything can go back to normal. Don’t you want that, Dean, for things to be normal again? You, me, and Sam, hunting things.”

Dean snorted. “Normal — really,  _ dad?''  _ He said with a sneer at the title. “You think its normal to want to fuck your own son? To kidnap him, and torture him to try to turn him into an obedient pet?”

John glared and then smirked. “You seem to forget that it worked before. Only two weeks last time in a similar cabin and you folded like a house of cards.” John’s eyes became glassy as he thought back to that time. “It was just delicious, getting your full submission. I want that again, Dean. I will have that again.” John yelled.

“Never!” Dean yelled back. “I’m not a scared kid anymore.”

“Maybe, but you belong to me, Dean, so just accept it. You still need to be punished, but I’ll go easy on you.” John said, running his hands over Dean’s body. 

“Fuck you, John. You better just kill me now, because I will never bow down to you again. I’ll kill you first.”

“You really think you have what it takes, huh, Dean? Okay.” John said, catching Dean off guard. “Let’s put that to the test.” John smirked. 

Shocked, Dean watched warily as John removed the chains connecting his wrists and ankles to the bed. But the manacles and collar, to his dismay, remained. 

Dean staggered to his feet, legs weak from being immobile for so long, but he forced himself to straighten up. John looked confident, and unafraid, and sickeningly aroused, his eyes sweeping over Dean’s nude body.

Dean’s eyes swept the room trying to find a way to overcome his weakness to get the upper hand. He spied John’s gun in the inner pocket of his jacket, which was draped over a chair by the window. 

Unfortunately, taking his eyes off his father for just those few seconds cost Dean as, before he could turn back to John, he felt him barrel into him, slamming Dean down to the floor. And then they started to fight. It was brutal, the two of them having sparred so many times in their lives knew each other’s moves. Dean was able to get the upper hand a time or two, but John was quick to regain control. After several punches to the face, John flipped Dean onto his stomach and started rutting his denim covered cock against Dean’s ass. 

Dean held in the scream of frustration and disgust, and in a move Dean had learned from Cas when sparring with the angel, Dean managed to fling John off him. Surprised, John landed with a punched out exhale, and Dean scrambled towards the table. John grabbed Dean’s foot and tried to pull him back but Dean kicked him off, sending John tumbling back again. Adrenaline pumping, Dean reached the table and drew John’s gun, spinning around to level it at his father who had gotten to his feet. 

“Well done, Dean.” John said with a smile. He put his hands in his pockets, not at all intimated by the gun. “But we both know you won’t pull the trigger. You’re too weak. You’re not able to stand up to me, I’m your…” John’s tirade was cut short by the sound of the trigger being pulled, the click almost echoing in the small cabin. 

Shocked that Dean had pulled the trigger, rage infused John’s face. Before Dean had a chance to pull the trigger a second time, red hot agony shot through his body, making his muscles freeze up and then spasm. The gun went flying, Dean dropping as large volts of electricity coursed through his body from the collar around his neck. 

“You little bitch!” John yelled. He pressed the button again, the tiny remote pulled out from the pocket of his pants, watching Dean writhe in pain with satisfaction. “I didn’t think you had it in you, Dean, but I guess it was a good thing I left the first chamber free. Always best to be cautious, ain’t that right, son?” John grinned, standing over Dean. 

Dean glared as much as he could with his entire body screaming in agony. “Oh, I guess I forgot to mention this wasn’t just a regular collar for my little bitch.” John chucked. He hit Dean with another agonizing bolt of electricity. 

Dean cursed the fact that he hadn’t even considered John would have not one, but two backup plans to keep the upper hand. Why didn’t Dean pull the trigger twice instead of standing there like an idiot, waiting to see John fall after the first shot? And now he lost his chance at getting away from his father. As the third bolt of electricity flowed through his body, Dean began to lose hope that he could escape. He prayed that Cas or Crowley would find him soon. And if they didn’t, Dean swore to himself that he would rather die before he submitted to John again. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers include violence and rape. John rapes Dean for the first couple of days to "catch up" with all that he has missed. He puts a collar on Dean that prevents the Mark from helping him. He then unchains Dean go to prove that Dean can't win in a fight against him. Dean gets the upper hand but then learns the hard way that the collar is a shock collar.


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone hope you all had a good week. I know last week's chapter was pretty intense, and this week's is a little break from the Dean hurt. I actually have almost the entire next chapter written, its been a productive week so I don't anticipate skipping next week like I had previously mentioned. 
> 
> This was a long chapter so I took part of it out to combine with another chapter. Hopefully it does not end too abruptly but I think I picked a good spot. 
> 
> Once again thank you so much for the continued comments and triggers. I had so many comments with the last chapter and some new readers also commented, and it was very motivating. I just want to say again how much I appreciate all your support. 
> 
> Nothing too triggering in this chapter, see end for notes. 
> 
> See you all in a week (fingers crossed).

Castiel stepped up close to the demon while they watched Sam trying to reach his father, and Crowley side-eyed the angel. 

“So, a couple of days?” Crowley began. “I take that to mean you and Dean made up? Dean and Cas kissing in a tree and all that?” Crowley joked, but his eyes were guarded.

Castiel tilted his head. “We weren’t in a tree, Crowley.” 

Huffing out a laugh despite himself, Crowley rolled his eyes. 

“Well?” Crowley asked, when the angel remained otherwise silent. 

Castiel blushed. “Yes, we made up and were intimate, Crowley.” 

Unable to control himself, Crowley’s eyes bled red. He pushed the angel against the wall, his arm across his chest. 

“Crowley, let him go!” Sam yelled in the background.

But Castiel was looking straight into Crowley’s eyes, a soft look of understanding in them mixed with pity. Crowley loathed that it was aimed at him. “I love him, Crowley.” Cas said softly.

Crowley backed off a little, but his eyes were still red. “And Dean forgave you?” 

“Yes, he loves me too.” Castiel said. He put his hand on the demon's shoulder and squeezed. He understood what Crowley was feeling, because if Dean had chosen the demon over him, he would feel the same way. “I'm sorry, Crowley.” Castiel said. He was surprised when the red was back full force in the demon's eyes.

“You're a bloody idiot.” Crowley said. He pulled away from the angel, taking a step back and smoothing down his suit. 

“Relax, Samantha.” Crowley said. He snapped his hand, causing the holy water Sam had been ready to throw at him to disappear.

“Unlike the two of you,” Crowley pointed his finger at them in accusation, “I only care that Dean is happy. And if it is with you, feathers, then I'm okay with it.” Sam snorted and Castiel frowned. 

“I'm perfectly okay with being just friends with Dean, as long as he is happy.” Crowley said with conviction. Sam and Cas exchanged surprised looks because… they could actually believe him.

“But…” Crowley said, his eyes yet again flaring as he took a threatening step back toward the angel. “If you hurt or abandon him again, all bets are off. Dean will be mine, and I will take him so far away you will never see him again. Understand, feathers?” Crowley growled.

Castiel, instead of feeling threatened, felt a warmth slide over him to know that the demon cared so much for Dean's happiness. He nodded, smiling gummily at the demon, who scoffed and scowled, snapping himself a drink and muttering something under his breath about goddamn Squirrels making him soft.

_________________

A few hours later, after Sam had tried to reach his father, track his phone, and look at his credit card information, they were still nowhere. 

“So, let’s recap.” Crowley said, pacing back and forth in the motel room. “Your father told you he was hunting with a buddy.” Crowley ticked off. “And you and Dean were holed up in your room for a few days before he was taken. Anything else significant happen?” Crowley asked Castiel. The angel was sitting in a chair, staring down at his hands, his expression stricken when he thought about the fact that Dean was more than likely being hurt at that very moment.

“He had a run in with some hunters.” Castiel said absently, and looked up when Sam gasped. 

“Cas! That’s kind of important.” Sam half-yelled and Cas’ eyes widened. 

“Dean said he took care of it. He only had minor injuries.” Castiel responded, and then to Sam and Crowley’s bewilderment, Castiel flushed bright red at the memory of slowly healing Dean. 

“What’s wr…?” Sam started to ask but was interrupted by Crowley putting a hand up, gesturing at him to shut up.

“Don’t!” Crowley yelled. Sam looked at Crowley with bewildered confusion. “I don’t want to know, okay?” The demon spat out. 

Castiel just blushed harder and nodded. Realization dawned on him, and Sam made a disgusted face. “Ew, Cas, come on, man. That’s my brother.”

“I didn’t say anything.” The angel said, trying to appear innocent. 

“Did he say why the hunters attacked him?” Crowley asked, redirecting the conversation.

“Oh, fuck!” Sam swore, causing their attention to shift to him. Sam looked pale. 

“What?” Crowley demanded.

“I looked at police incidents for that night, and there was only one. According to the police report, the injured parties included a Red Bailey and his sons.” 

Sam paused. Crowley rolled his eyes and made a  _ ‘well go on’ _ motion with his hands. “And….?”

“And that’s the name of the hunter my dad said he was with across the country, who he supposedly met up with days before this incident.” Sam said. His eyes began to fill with tears. He knew, after everything, he knew, but a small part of him hoped his dad hadn’t taken Dean. But this was too much of a coincidence. 

“Well, looks like we need to go and have a chat with this bloke.” Crowley said, an evil glint in his eye. 

“Okay... let’s go. I have his address from the police report.” Sam got up and reached for his jacket.

“Yeah, not you, Moose.” Crowley said.

“Why the hell not?” Sam asked.

“Sam.” Castiel said softly. “We don’t want to tip him, and most especially your father, off that you are aware of anything. And… he probably wouldn’t say anything in front of you. Us, on the other hand…” Castiel explained.

“Won’t give him a choice.” Crowley finished with a growl, his eyes tinting red.

“But…” Sam started, but then paused to think about what they said. He sighed. “Fine. But look, this guy is a hunter, so you gotta be careful.” Sam turned to Castiel. “Cas, please make sure he doesn’t do anything stupid.” Sam said with a glare at Crowley, who just smirked back. 

“Okay, Sam.” Cas said. He put a hand on Crowley’s shoulder, and they both disappeared.

Sam sat down heavily. He couldn’t believe he was here yet again trying to find a kidnapped Dean. Fuck, Dean was just taken a week ago.  _ Not taken, gave himself up for you. _ Shame filled Sam as he thought about all the sacrifices his brother had made for him, and all he’d ever done was walk away. Hell, he couldn’t even save him from hell — and then with purgatory, Sam just left him there to rot. How was it possible that Dean still loved him so much, that he would put up with abuse from John just to spare Sam’s feelings? 

“God, Dean, I’m so sorry.” Sam muttered, burying his face in his hands. 

He stayed like that for an unknown amount of time, just going over things in his mind, still reeling at all he had learned about his family, when Crowley and Castiel popped back into the room. Crowley was grinning from ear to ear while Cas looked pissed.

Oh no. “What happened?” Sam asked. He vaguely wondered if they were going to have to be on the lookout for hunters coming after them now.

“Well, the old hunter might have a few more broken bones than just the broken arm Dean gave him, and a concussion… maybe some internal bleeding…” Crowley said with a thoughtful look on his face, his finger tapping his chin. He then nodded at Sam. “Yeah, definitely some internal bleeding.”

Sam just gaped, anger slowly but surely filling up within him. “What the fuck! I told you not to hurt him, Crowley, he’s still human — and a hunter!”

Crowley’s eyebrows shot up. “Oh, Moose, I didn’t lay a finger on him. You can thank the avenging angel for all that damage.” Crowley said with a chuckle. “And I must say, it was glorious.” He laughed.

Sam blinked at the demon, and then swung his gaze over to Castiel who had his arms crossed and looked not at all repentant. “Cas! What the hell, man?” 

“He said some very unsettling things about Dean.” 

Sam just stared at the angel. “And…?” He coaxed, because there had to be more to it than that. 

“And I looked into his memories.” Castiel said, glaring at Sam.

The anger flowed out of Sam, replaced with dread and pain at the look of righteous fury only just covering the pain in the angel’s eyes. “No, he…”

“I don’t want to talk about it. But he deserved to be thrown into the wall.” Cas said definitively.

“And into another one, and into an entertainment center and, oh, yes. Let’s not forget — through a glass door.” Crowley cackled in delight. 

Sam sighed. Tears sprang to his eyes, because for Cas to lose control like that, it had to have been bad. “I probably don’t want to know, huh?” Sam said softly.

“No, you do not.” Cas spat out. 

Sam sighed. He was silent for a few moments, trying to process yet another horror from Dean’s childhood. Giving himself a mental shake, Sam focused on the problem at hand. “Did you learn anything, at least?” Sam asked hopefully.

Crowley’s smile fell off. Castiel shook his head. “He told your father where Dean was, but he doesn’t know where they are now.” 

“So, we’re right back to square one with no idea how to find Dean. Fuck!” Sam kicked a chair, making it topple over to the ground with a threatening creak. “I can’t even imagine what my father is doing. I mean, is it possible he’s not hurting him, just trying to stage an ‘intervention?’” Sam asked, and then held out a hand at Crowley’s scowl. “I know, I know, it’s stupid. Sorry. It’s just… hard. Really hard.” Sam said softly.

“And that’s not all we need to be worrying about.” Crowley muttered to himself. Cas and Sam both jerked their gaze to the demon. 

“What do you mean, Crowley?” Castiel growled out.

Crowley opened his mouth and then snapped it shut, causing Sam and Castiel to take a step toward him. “Alright, alright.” Crowley said, his face a picture of guilt. “The Mark may be causing some problems for Dean, and time may be of the essence.”

“The Mark? What Mark?” Sam demanded.

“Dean said something was going wrong with it.” Castiel said. “But we didn’t get to talk about it.” 

“What Mark?” Sam yelled again.

“The Mark of Cain.” Crowley and Cas answered simultaneously.

“The Mark of  _ what _ ?” Sam asked, confused.

Crowley snapped himself a drink. He explained, about meeting Cain, the Blade, the Blade needing the Mark, and how the Mark was essentially the only way to kill Abaddon. 

Sam looked shell shocked. “Cain… as in Cain and Abel.”

“Yes, Moose, keep up.” Crowley snarled. 

“And he gave Dean his Mark — the Mark of Cain?” Sam said, his voice still tinged with disbelief.

“Crowley, I’ve never heard of Cain giving it to anyone before. I don’t even think heaven knows that is possible.” Castiel 

“He never has before but apparently, he and Dean are ‘connected.’” Crowley said, making air quotes, and then, realizing what he did, glared at Castiel.

“But why Dean?” Sam asked.

“What does it matter?” Crowley snarled. “He knew about your brother, he thought he was worthy, and he gave him the Mark. He even broke his centuries long ‘no killing rule’ to save your brother from a hoard of demons. News flash — despite your low opinion of him, Dean’s special! Now, move on!”

Sam just opened and closed his mouth a few times in shock. He ran a hand down his face. 

“So, this was how Dean was able to hurt all those hunters?” Cas asked. “The Mark gave him power?”

“Yes, and it saved him from John, too.” Crowley added. Sam paled.

“But here’s the interesting part. Your father knew about it. Combine that with the sigil none of us have ever seen, and …. “ Crowley rolled his eyes at the two blank looks. “Where’s your father getting all his information and all this high level magic from?”

Sam and Cas exchanged worried looks.

“Oh … I wonder?” Crowley murmured to himself, deep in thought.

“What?” Sam asked.

“I’ll be back.” Crowley said, and disappeared.

“What the hell?” Sam yelled into thin air.

“Sam, maybe you should get some rest,” Cas suggested, concern evident in his tone.

“What? No, Cas. I’m fine. We have to find Dean and my dad. I’ll rest then.” Sam insisted.

Castiel narrowed his eyes. “Okay, fine. Just lie down and rest your eyes then. I’m sure Crowley will be back in a few minutes.”

Sam opened his mouth but the angel just narrowed his eyes even more, and Sam sighed. 

His eyes  _ were _ scratchy and irritated... He laid down and closed his eyes, and not even a minute had passed before he was asleep.

Castiel smiled, glad that Sam was resting. He tried to reach out to Dean and feel something, anything, across their bond, but there was just nothing. Castiel was sick at all that he had learned about Dean, and he was now certain that John had something to do with them breaking up. Why couldn’t he have just stuck around and trusted Dean when he said he didn’t remember? Why did he have to take off like a coward and leave the love of his existence alone to deal with such a horrible situation? Castiel didn’t think he would ever forgive himself or find a way to show Dean how sorry he was, and he just prayed that he would have a chance to hold Dean in his arms again. 

A few hours later, Crowley popped back in, and Cas reluctantly woke Sam up. The demon was carrying several large tomes that looked ancient. 

“What is all this, Crowley?” Cas asked.

“Some books I had hidden away. I think there might be something in here about tracking an angel’s grace.” Crowley muttered, flipping through the books. 

“Tracking an angel’s grace? Why the hell would we want to do that?” 

“Because, Moose, feathers over here left a piece of himself in your brother so… “

“So if we can track my grace, then we can find Dean.” Castiel continued excitedly.

“Well why the hell didn’t we use this the last time, before we had to bring Benny into things?” Sam complained.

Crowley rolled his eyes. “You know, you can be a jealous little bitch sometimes, Moose.” 

Sam’s face clouded in anger, but before he could say anything Cas slammed his book down on the table. 

“Enough! Sam, start reading or go back to sleep, we don’t have time for these petty arguments.” The angel ordered. 

“Fine.” Sam groused.

Crowley smirked at him. “And to answer your question, Sam. Their bond has just been strengthened.” Crowley said with a wince. “It wouldn’t have worked before.” He added.

It took searching through the books for two days to find what Crowley was talking about. Sam called his father once or twice and texted, but they all agreed that if Sam tried too hard, it would tip John off. 

Sam squinted at the words he just read, consulting his Enochian translator. His heart started to race in excitement. “I think I found something.” He said. Cas and Crowley came over. “I can’t really read it, but I see grace and reunite, maybe?” 

Crowley hummed, his eyes glued to the page, his hopeful looked matching Cas’, but then Crowley frowned and cursed. “Bloody Hell!” 

“It doesn’t matter.” Cas said.

“What?” Sam asked, confused.

“Feathers I don’t know, Dean wouldn’t want…” Crowley started. 

“I don’t care!” Castiel yelled back. The Angel and Demon stood there at an impasse, glaring at each other.

“What?” Sam yelled, fed up with being on the outside of yet another conversation.

Crowley sighed. “The spell is very complex, and if we are off by just a smidge, it will permanently harm Cas’ grace — could possibly even kill him. Not to mention, even if it goes off without a hitch, it will be excruciatingly painful.” Crowley said. 

“Fuck!” Sam yelled. And they were back to square one yet again. This couldn’t be happening.

“I. Don’t. Care.” Castiel growled out. “We’re doing it.” 

“Look, feathers, I’ve already broken Dean’s trust by telling you about John, and as much as I would get a thrill out of seeing your grace explode or whatever will happen, Dean would never forgive me.” Crowley said, actually sounding regretful. 

Sam gaped at the demon. Crowley  _ hated _ Castiel, and he was giving up a chance to possibly get rid of his enemy, his competition, for Dean. What the fuck? Sam was amazed at the level of devotion Dean seemed to inspire in others.  _ Everyone except me, his own brother. _ Sam thought as shame once again flowed through him. 

“Crowley, please. I need your help.” Castiel begged the demon. “Think about what John is doing to Dean.” Castiel said.

Crowley’s eyes bled red for a second at the thought. “Okay, fine.” Crowley growled. He started to write down a list of ingredients they would need.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only triggers include allusions to past abuse and current abuse but nothing graphic. 
> 
> So how to you all like the BAMF Cas in this chapter? I hope this fully redeems him in people's eyes. The visit to Red kind of came about with editing but I was really happy with how it turned out.


	27. Chapter 27

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope everyone is well. Thank you for the continued comments. I hope I haven't missed any and if so I apologize, but I really cannot express how much it means to me to hear your thoughts. Plus the story broke the 450 mark for kudos. So incredible, thank you!
> 
> Now on a darker note, I'm not gonna lie, this chapter is going to be brutal. I've been pretty nervous about it and changed it a few times but this is what wanted to come out. You can skip the chapter entirely and I will put a summary at the end if you don't want to read all the hurt. I also put ******* at the beginning and end of the part with sexual stuff if you wanted to skip just that. 
> 
> I'm sorry guys.

When Dean came around he found himself upright, wrists chained to the beam across the ceiling of the cabin. He was barely on his toes and his ankles had been chained to a hook in the floor. 

“Getting right to it, I guess.” Dean drawled, trying to stretch his already aching shoulders. 

“Funny, Dean.” John said, coming around to face Dean. Dean felt a shiver of dread run through him when he noticed what John had planned. John was a master with a belt or a whip and could cause agonizing pain without ever breaking the skin unless he was enraged and then, well then it was bad. 

John grabbed Dean’s chin again, forcing him to meet his eyes. “You tried to kill me,” John accused. Dean was shocked… because John didn’t look angry. No, he looked… bewildered, hurt, and betrayed and his eyes were suspiciously wet. 

Dean blinked and then jerked his chin out of John’s hand. “Are you fucking kidding me right now? Look at what you’re doing to me,  _ dad_.” Dean sneered. 

“I’m not going to kill you, Dean, that’s the last thing I want.” John argued. In the background of his mind, Dean was glad to see the anger come back. Dean thought for not the first time that maybe hell had actually made John insane, but he was forced to pay attention by another slap. 

“Stop daydreaming, Dean!” John demanded. 

Dean snorted. “Hey, can’t blame me for wanting to get away from you, even if it's just for a few seconds.” Dean smirked as John’s face turned red with rage.  _ Good, anger _ . That, Dean could handle. The hurt, betrayed look John dared to wear on his face on the other hand, he had no idea what to make of. 

“Ok, smart ass. I was going to start easy with a belt, but let’s go straight to the whip.” John said. He disappeared from Dean’s sight as he walked behind him. 

“You know this won't work. You just want an excuse.” Dean snarled, bracing himself for the upcoming pain. He was not going to scream, because he knew that was what John wanted. He got off on hurting Dean. Hell, he used the idea of discipline all the time when Dean was younger in order to feed his sickness, but Dean wasn’t going to give him what he wanted this time. 

“An excuse for what, Dean?” John asked right before a burning slashing pain erupted on Dean’s back. Even though he was expecting it, it was still a shock to Dean, yet he kept his mouth shut. 

The whip made a whistling sound shortly before it connected with his back again. “Maybe it's an excuse to punish you for leading me on since I've been back.” John whipped him again. “For teasing me and driving me crazy.” And again. “For challenging me and NOT!” And again. “FALLING!” And again. “IN!” And again. “LINE!” And again  _ againagainagain. _

As John paused to catch his breath, Dean could feel blood trickle out of his mouth from where he was biting his cheek to keep from crying out. Dean hadn’t been whipped like this in a long time. He’d forgotten how unbearable it was, especially when the hits started to fall over already abused skin. 

“Or falling so low as to sleep with a MONSTER!” The whip fell again and Dean fought to contain a whimper. “Or how about the most egregious thing you're done son.” John wasn’t holding back, the whip was coming down faster and faster, his father was going all out.

He knew what John was going to say, and he really couldn’t argue with John on this point. Not that the burning pain searing across the entirety of his back would’ve let him, anyway. “You let Sam get hurt! Your one job was to protect your brother, and you failed over and over again. You worthless cocksucking slut.” The whip flew, striking thrice in rapid succession.

John snarled, eyes bulging in rage, spittle flying through the air, as he whipped Dean over and over without pause, slash after slash, and Dean let his moans of pain slip free, but still, he didn’t scream. He might deserve some of this punishment for what he allowed to happen to Sam over the years, but he wasn’t going to give John what he wanted. His back was a burning lava of fire, but Dean didn’t scream. 

“Who do you belong to, Dean? You want this to stop, son, tell me who owns you.” John snarled, coming around and once again gripping Dean’s chin. Dean grimaced at the look of lust on John’s face when he wiped away the tears falling from Dean’s eyes from the pain.

_ What a sick fuck _ .

“Come on, son, just say it,” John coaxed, running his thumb across Dean’s bottom lip. 

Dean swallowed and opened his mouth. “No one!” Dean said, voice strong despite the blackness that was edging out his vision. 

John snarled again and pushed forward, colliding their lips in a rough kiss. When he pulled back, Dean chuckled, swallowing back the urge to gag. “I’ll give that a two.” Dean gasped out, breathless from the pain and John’s forceful kiss. 

John reared back with a confused look. “What?” He asked. 

Dean chuckled again, wincing as the movement caused more pain to flare across his back. “A two out of ten,  _ dad _ .” Dean sneered the name again, loving the look of fury it brought to John’s face every time he said the title like that. “A one for originality, and a one for not breaking the skin. But overall, pretty piss poor performance if you ask me.” Dean laughed, but it cut off soon as he ended up gasping out a cough. 

John gaped at his son. Fury and a little nervousness swept through him. His son was just whipped severely and he was making jokes,  _ and _ had the gall to rate his torture. John didn’t know whether to be impressed or strangle him. “Okay, son, I see how it's going to be. You're trying to show your old man how tough you are? Fine.” John said, watching as Dean just glared. He could see the pain and stress in Dean’s eyes and face, but he just glared at John. This was different from when he was younger. When he was younger, Dean would be close to begging John to stop by now, and he would’ve been full of apologies. 

Well, John would just have to step it up a notch. He rubbed his hands together in glee and was pleased to see a nervous expression cross Dean’s face before he could hide it. John had been wanting to tan Dean’s gorgeous ass since he got back. Anticipation thrumming through his veins, John went to get set up. 

John put Dean over the table stomach down, legs chained to the table’s legs, spreading them apart, and wrists to the other two legs. Dean could barely squirm, his hips were pressed so tightly against the table. John started with his hands, because he enjoyed the feeling of Dean’s taut ass beneath his palms as they got warmer and warmer with each slap. 

When John stopped, Dean snorted. “Not even ratable.” He said. John growled. 

Picking up a flogger, he considered Dean’s words, and went to the cane instead. Slash after slash, and all he could get were moans from Dean, but no screams. John really,  _ really _ wanted to hear Dean scream, and he got nothing. Enraged, John caned Dean’s balls a few times. He went around to the front of the table, convinced he had gotten somewhere. He was pleased to see Dean’s eyes were rolling in his head, barely conscious from the pain until Dean still managed to gather himself enough to glare at John. “I’ll give it a three.” Dean rasped out, before his eyes rolled back and he lost consciousness. 

John was shocked. But… it was early, and he had a few more tricks up his sleeve. After putting Dean to bed, he slapped him awake and gave him water, but no food. Dean, disappointingly, didn’t say anything… other than gasp and swear a bit while John lost himself in his son, aroused by his bright red ass. 

Over the next couple of days, John tried all his tricks. 

Placing Dean in the tub with a towel covering his face and turning on the water full force yielded a choked “ _ two”  _ from Dean. ‘Too clique,’ he said. ‘Waterboarding was in too many movies now,’ he’d snarked. 

Multiple shocks of his collar — a two. Shocking his collar while he was wet? A three. 

Slashes and cuts, deep enough to bleed but not enough to scar, over his chest, abdomen, and thighs got him a one and a half.

Losing his temper and giving Dean a beating brought him back down to a one and a ‘now you're just embarrassing yourself, dad.’

After cleaning Dean off and chaining him back to the bed for the night, John gave him a little water and smirked at the rumbling growl from Dean’s stomach. It had been days since John had given him anything to eat. “You hungry, son? Want something to eat?” John asked, but Dean just remained stubbornly silent. John went over and heated up his bacon cheeseburger he had in the fridge and sat next to Dean so the smell was stronger. “Say ‘please’ and I’ll give you some.” John coaxed with a smile. Dean just clenched his fists and turned his head away. “Fine you’ll get hungry enough soon, Dean.” John snarled and then ate the burger, making sure to take big bites and play up the moans at the taste. 

“You need to realize I’m your everything. I give you water or you go thirsty, food or you starve. I can give you pain or comfort. Everything depends on me because you belong to me. You’re mine, and as soon as you submit, we can go back to being a family again.” John cajoled, but Dean ignored him. 

The next day, after another whipping and beating because John once again lost his temper, during which Dean once again blacked out, John paused to truly look at his son. Dean was a mess, bruised, bloody, thin and pale as a sheet, and still, John had gotten nowhere. 

Not a single scream. 

John contemplated what to do next. Too much time had passed and John needed to move things along. He never anticipated being away from Sam for longer than a couple of weeks, and Sam had already tried to reach him a couple of times. But Dean was still holding strong, and that was just unacceptable. 

His gaze fell on the soles of Dean’s feet, which were probably the only untouched part of his body, and John considered getting the cane. That would be excruciating. Dean was sure to scream with that, but then it would take forever to heal, and John wanted to get back to hunting as soon as Dean submitted, so he ruled it out. But then again, that would probably get him a ‘four,’ hell, maybe even a ‘five…’ John swore when he realized he was putting weight to Dean’s disrespectful rating system. Fuck, something had to give. 

John pulled the chains holding Dean upright tighter, putting unbearable strain on his joints. When Dean regained consciousness and tried to pull on his restraints, he grimaced at the pain it caused. They stared at each other for a few minutes in silence. Dean broke it first with a smirk. "You know this won’t work, right? I was with Alastair for thirty years, and all you’re doing is tickling me." Dean said, matter of factly. "He worked on you too, so you know none of this will work,” Dean added. 

"Alastair, huh?" John thought back to his time on the rack before his escape and subsequent recapture, and then imprisonment in a deep dark corner of hell where he was pretty much forgotten. "Yeah, I remember him." John said way too casually, and Dean frowned. "He visited me a couple of times," John said, and couldn't suppress a shudder at the memory of those rare but significant visits. 

Dean’s eyebrows shot up to his hairline in surprise. "A couple of times? What the fuck are you talking about, dad? I thought you were with him the whole time?” Dean stuttered out in shock. 

"No, come on, Dean, you had to know Alistair was the grand poopah of torture. He didn’t devote himself to just one soul. They wouldn’t have survived a month, and the goal is to burn off the humanity slowly.” John said. He was confused as to how it was possible that Dean didn’t know this. 

"Until me…" Dean murmured, his eyes glazed over in memories. 

"What?" John demanded. He couldn’t have heard that right. It was impossible. 

Dean shook his head a bit to get rid of the memories and looked up at his father. “I said, ‘until me.’ I was with Alastair all the time,” Dean spat out. “Even after…” Dean started, and his voice broke a bit. He cleared his throat, “even after I broke, he was still with me every day… and night.” Dean added with a shudder of his own. 

John just stared at his son in shock. If that was true, then John would never break Dean with pain. Despite the difference between hell and being human, it would never work, unless he risked permanently injuring Dean, or even killing him — which he didn’t want. The number of times Dean had lost consciousness already was skirting close to some serious damage. 

As if Dean had read his mind, he egged John on with a slowly growing smirk. "So, what’s next, dad? Unless you plan on maiming or killing me, you know you don’t have a lot of options left. Or are you just going to rinse and repeat until we both die of boredom?" Dean said with a chuckle. It quickly turned into a choking cough due to the pain in his body, but most especially his chest and ribs, the fractures aggravated by the tightness of his position. 

John clenched his fists. "Why are you being so stubborn, Dean? You know I’m just doing this for your own good, to get you back on track and back where you belong,” John tried in a placating tone. 

Dean’s eyes widened in disbelief. "You’re doing this for my own good? Oh, please!" Dean sneered. 

"Please what, Dean?" John asked, his face getting red at being so blatantly disrespected. 

"You’re only doing all this because you’re just a sick fucking sadist and rapist," Dean snarled. 

John was shocked as rage once again took over, his chest heaving with his emotions. "A rapist, huh?" John sneered. "I seem to recall you moaning like a bitch in heat in the hotel room not that long ago. You were begging for it." John said smugly as he reached out and grabbed Dean's cock. 

Dean tried to pull away, but he was tied too tightly. "I didn't know it was you, you bastard, I would never…" Dean said, biting back a scream as John twisted his cock. 

Dean's stomach sunk when John paused for a minute and his eyes lit up with an idea. John gave him an evil smile. "Okay, son." John said patting Dean on the head like he was a little kid. Dean growled, or tried to, but with the amount of pain he was in, it wasn't very menacing. 

"Let's see how long it takes before you beg me to stop.” John chuckled as he went to get some things, thinking this was a great alternative to just causing pain. He would break Dean with humiliation and remind his son that he was just a whore. No more of Dean getting the upper hand, John thought with a bolt of arousal shooting through him as he gathered his supplies. 

“What… What are you doing da.. John?” Dean demanded. He tried to crane his head, but John just ignored him, walking behind him and out of his sight. Then, to Dean's horror, John slipped a blindfold on him and tied it tight. 

“What are you do… mfhmg!” Dean started to ask before a ball gag was shoved into his mouth. “Nuh mghgufuksr!” Dean tried to yell. John just tugged the straps tighter, attached them to the straps of the blindfold, and then Dean heard the click of a lock. 

“You’re right, Dean, I don’t want to kill you or maim you… so I’m going to go a different route.” John laughed darkly. “I’ll get you to scream, and to beg, and all you have to do is say please, and it will all stop,” John explained. “I bet you'll be begging in an hour, maybe two, but I doubt you're strong enough for that.” 

For what, Dean wanted to ask, but it all came out muffled. When John laughed again at his attempt to talk, Dean vowed to no longer speak and stay silent instead, because John seemed to enjoy his useless attempts at his vocal protests. Dean, unfortunately, also remembered how much John had always enjoyed using gags on him. 

***************************

Dean moaned as John grabbed his cock and started to stroke and tug, rubbing his finger across the slit. Dean fought against getting hard and John, frustrated after five or so minutes, jammed two dry fingers into Dean's ass, almost causing a scream to escape. Almost. 

Finding Dean's prostate quickly, Dean had no control over how fast his dick got hard after that. “See? Just a fucking slut,” John sneered. Dean just shook his head. 

Dean started to shake in dread when he felt the metal of a cockring snap around his balls and the base of his penis, and tightened. Dean tried to twist away, but John just slapped his trapped cock, causing Dean to moan in pain. 

Nipple clamps followed, and then Dean was unhooked and flung onto the bed. Dean fought another scream as the welts on his back rubbed against the harsh fabric. John unchained one leg and Dean kicked about wildly. He managed to get a satisfying kick in what he assumed was John's stomach by the  _ umph! _ he heard, before he was backhanded viciously for it. John quickly attached his wrists to the headboard and then a spreader bar was put between his ankles.  _ What the fuck did John do, rob a sex shop? _ Dean thought somewhat hysterically. He felt like he was in some bad BDSM video, but he couldn't prevent the shudder when John lifted up the spreader bar, forcibly bending Dean's knees. 

Dean was unable to stop the tears that streamed out of his eyes and soaking the blindfold. He felt humiliated and exposed. He was shaking, and was actually thankful for the gag, because John managed to tear a scream out of him when he shoved a large dildo into his ass without any warning or prep. Pain shot up his spine, and Dean knew he was probably bleeding despite how many times John had fucked him since they got here. 

After that, Dean could feel John's hot stare as he just stood there in silence. Jerking back slightly when he felt John's hand cup his jaw, Dean tried to snarl, but the gag was too big. 

“God, you're so fucking beautiful laid out like this, son,” John purred, running his thumb across the flesh of Dean’s bottom lip, stretched painfully around the gag. John leaned down and licked Dean's lips. “So beautiful and all mine. My little whore.” John chuckled, and despite the limited range of motion, Dean managed to headbutt John. 

“You little bitch!” John swore, slapping Dean again. “Ok, son.” Dean heard him take a measured inhale, undoubtedly trying to calm himself. “I'll check in with you in about an hour.” John laughed. Dean yelped when the dildo started to vibrate. John adjusted it until Dean unconsciously moaned as it hit his prostate dead on. John turned up the power, and then to Dean's horror, he felt the cock ring start to vibrate. Dean's entire body tensed at the over stimulation, his back arching off the bed. 

Time ceased to exist for Dean as his mind and body was bombarded with never ending stimulation. Dean wanted to cum, he needed to cum, but he wasn't going to beg. The first time John took out the gag and asked Dean if he had anything to say, Dean just swore at him. After some water, the gag went back in, and more time passed at an agonizingly slow rate. Dean was losing his mind, all that mattered was for this to stop. He had to give it to John this was a solid eight — but it didn't matter. He fought to hold on as his body became more and more sensitive. Dean was almost at the point where he was about to beg Alastair to stop.

No, wait. That wasn't right. 

Dean's sluggish brain tried to focus. He was at his limit, though, and he couldn't take anymore. But then he saw blue, and his angel's face filled his mind, giving Dean the strength to hang on a little longer. He was so hyper focused on Cas's image and his blue blue eyes that he didn’t feel the bar being removed, and was harshly jerked back to the present when he felt the dildo yanked out of his ass. 

Six hours. It had been six hours and Dean was slowly bringing himself to the point of utter exhaustion. He was barely moaning, although John knew he was more sensitive now than at the beginning, but he wouldn't give in and just say  _ ‘please _ .’ John had removed the gag after the third hour, but it didn't matter. John was ashamed to admit it, but he broke first. Seeing his son squirming and gasping on the bed, his body flushed with arousal, it was too much, and he couldn't take it anymore. So, he yanked the dildo out and pushed himself in and after an embarrassingly short time, John was ready. He quickly unsnapped the cock ring. A sob escaped from Dean as he came within seconds and John quickly followed. John took off the blindfold and kissed Dean deeply. 

****************************

“You see how good I can make you feel?” John murmured. “You know you want me, Dean. Just admit that you want me.” 

Dean lifted his head weakly off the bed. With bloodshot eyes and a tear stained, flushed face, Dean whispered. “I…” Dean coughed. “I want…” Dean struggled to speak, and John tensed in anticipation. “I want…” Dean licked his dry lips. “Cas,” he finished. 

There were a few beats of utter silence. And then John lost it. All the frustration at his inability to break his son bubbled up. No one should have been able to last that long, but Dean did, even as hurt as he was, and John exploded. He beat Dean harder than he ever had, and in his rage, he grabbed a knife. “You want Cas? That monster? Too bad, you fucking slut. You belong to me!” John screamed and viciously sliced the knife across Dean's chest. “You are mine!” John snarled as his rage finally started to abate. Dean's eyes were wide and glazed over, but when he looked down at his chest and saw what John had done — at the word ‘mine’ carved into his skin, Dean didn’t beg, didn’t say stop, didn’t say John owned him. No, his eyes hardened, despite the pain and exhaustion, and he looked at John dead on and snarled, “I fucking hate you.” Before he once again lost consciousness.

John's euphoria at marking Dean swiftly left along with his rage, and he sat there, completely out of ideas. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay I know I was horrible to Dean in this chapter, but he was so strong through all of it. And I promise this is the last one like this. I'm not saying nothing else bad happens to Dean but this was the worst it will get in regards to actual torture. 
> 
> Summary: John tortures Dean first to get him to say he belongs to John and then to get him to say please. Dean mocks him and rates his torture and refuses to scream for John. Not wanting to risk really hurting Dean he tries to break him sexually but it doesn't work. Dean says he wants Cas and John loses it and carves mine into Dean's chest. It ends with Dean telling John he hates him and John out of ideas (at the moment).
> 
> There's also a little bit about Alistair in there because I'm sorry I don't believe John was with him for 100 years and didn't break so this is one of my takes on it. 
> 
> I hope you have a good week, next chapter will be split between Sam/Cas/Crowley and Dean/John.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I'm so sorry I'm a little late this week, its been crazy here. I've also been avoiding thinking about the show ending but now there's no way around it and it's been rough as I'm sure you all know.
> 
> So anyways this chapter is kind of a mix up, I took parts from a previous chapter and a future chapter and put them together and I think it works. I did finish writing a big chapter and I have only one more to write and the rest just need to be fixed. So depending on how I split things up we are looking at 5 maybe 6 more chapters give or take. 
> 
> I loved the comments last week as I do every week, and thank you all again. We are at 472 kudos, and I am so happy with the response to this story. 
> 
> See end for triggers, but nothing too bad. Thank you again and see you next week!

A few hours later, they had everything they needed. “Okay, so the spell is going to cause a piece of your grace to search out the missing part. And then you follow it, and Sam and I follow you. It will be quick.” Crowley explained.

“Okay.” Castiel said, a determined look on his face.

Crowley pulled a knife and held the cup of ingredients under Cas’ chin, ready to cut his throat to get at some of his grace. “Are you sure, Castiel? It's going to be painful.”

“Yes, Crowley. Just do it.” Castiel demanded without hesitation.

“Okay… Moose, close your eyes, just in case.” Crowley ordered. He nicked the angel’s neck and started the incantation. A large teardrop of grace dripped out of the wound and into the cup. For a few seconds, nothing happened. Castiel opened his mouth to ask what went wrong when pain shot through his body. It felt like his grace was being grabbed by thousands of claws in an attempt to pull it out of him. The pain increased and Castiel opened his mouth and screamed as white light shone out of his eyes and mouth. 

A small ball of blue light zipped out of the bowl and was floating in the air. The light coming from the angel started to pull toward it, as if the small ball was sucking it out of the angel, and then after a bounce, the ball zoomed away.

“Castiel!” Crowley yelled. The light dimmed from Castiel’s mouth and eyes, and face contorted in pain, Castiel nodded and disappeared. 

“Come on, Moose.” Crowley yelled, grabbing a hold of Sam, and followed. 

They were only a second behind, but when they popped to where Castiel was, Sam could only stare in panic. Castiel was lying on the ground and the ball of grace was bouncing repeatedly against an invisible barrier super fast, and everytime the ball was zapped back, Castiel spasmed in horrible pain, an almost continuous scream coming from the angel.

It was horrible. Sam looked at Crowley, eyes widening in panic. 

“Bloody fucking hell!” Crowley yelled. He pushed Sam out of the way, started to chant, and grabbed the ball of grace. Now, Crowley was the one screaming as the grace ball burned his hand and Sam gagged at the smell of burning flesh. Finally, Crowley, eyes bleeding red and power thick in the air, managed to finish his chant. He thrust his hand into Castiel’s chest, who was writhing on the ground in agony. There was a  _ boom _ ! and Crowley was thrown back. Abruptly, everything was silent. 

“Cas!” Sam yelled, kneeling next to the angel who wasn’t moving. “No!” Sam yelled. Shifting, he looked at Crowley. “Guys, come on, please. Don’t do this. Dean needs you. Please.” Sam cried. 

After a few more beats of silence broken only by Sam’s harsh panicked breaths, Castiel inhaled deeply and opened his eyes. “Cas. Thank god. Are you okay?” Sam asked, helping the angel to sit up. 

“That was unpleasant.” Castiel said and Sam snorted. Castiel looked around, his eyes falling to Crowley who was still lying still on the ground. The demon’s hand was smoking, a circle burned completely through his palm where a few blades of grass were actually sticking through from the ground. Sam shuddered at the sight, repulsed. 

Castiel grimaced and then leaned over, placing two fingers to the demon’s forehead. A second later, Crowley gasped and opened his eyes. 

“Thanks, feathers.” Crowley grumbled after a second, still on the ground. “Let’s never do that again.” He waved Sam’s hand away and got up by himself. 

Castiel patted the demon on the shoulder. “Crowley, thank you. How did you know what to do?” He asked.

“Winged it.” Crowley said, shaking his hand, which was now fully healed.

“What the hell happened?” Sam asked.

Crowley narrowed his eyes and disappeared. He was back within seconds. “There’s some kind of warding creating a barrier about a mile in circumference. My guess is, John has Dean close to the center, but it’s invisible with this warding, and I can’t break it.” Crowley snarled in frustration.

Castiel narrowed his eyes. They burned blue for a few seconds. “I can’t either. I’ve never seen anything like this.” 

“So, what, you guys can’t get past it? Is it solid?” Sam asked. He placed his hand against where the ball had been bouncing against the barrier. Sam’s hand went straight through, and he almost toppled over at the lack of the expected resistance.

Castiel’s eyes lit up. “Sam, you can pass through it.” 

“That makes sense. John is human, he couldn’t keep himself out.” Crowley said.

“Okay, so I go in to remove the warding and/or try to grab Dean. What about my dad?” Sam asked, apprehensive.

“Well,” Crowley said. “I think now’s the time to contact him and say you’re in trouble. Call him, text him, whatever. Tell him you’re a couple of hours away and it’s urgent, you’re really hurt or something. We’ll give him around a half an hour to leave, and then you can go in.”

“Sounds like a plan.” Sam muttered. Determined, he started to text. 

_ ‘Hang on Dean, I’m coming,’  _ Sam promised. 

_____________

“Come on, son, it’s time to get up. “ John murmured.

Dean slowly came to, and moaned in pain. His body was in agony. There wasn’t a part of him that didn’t ache. Dean struggled to remember what happened. 

Dean jerked from a harsh slap, but still didn’t open his eyes. “Dean, wake up!” John demanded, giving him another slap.

Dean finally opened his eyes and saw his father sitting on the bed next to him. He was holding a bottle of water. Dean’s mouth was so dry, he almost wept, but he refused to say anything. 

“Come on, son, take a drink.” John said, lifting Dean’s head. Too thirsty to fight, Dean drank greedily. Why was his mouth so dry, it felt like he had been screaming… and, oh, fuck. Dean’s brain was bombarded with images, John trying to make him beg, the endless hours of need and want superimposed on pain, coming so close to breaking but refusing. The vicious beating John gave him when he said he wanted Cas. Dean was honestly surprised he was still alive. His breathing was shallow from the agonizing pain in his side, the already fractured ribs were definitely broken now. Dean tried to bat John’s hands away, but John easily avoided them.

After a few more sips, John took the bottle back and motioned for Dean to stand up. “Let’s go.” John said.

“What?” Dean rasped out. He wanted Dean to get up and he wasn’t chained in any way. Was John letting him go? Did he finally realize Dean wasn’t going to break, and John was either going to have to kill him or let him go?

John sat Dean up on the side of the bed and pulled him up into a standing position. Dean’s legs buckled, but John caught him. 

“Not so tough now,” John said with a smirk. Dean glared — or tried to, anyway.

“What’s going on, dad?” Dean said, the hope at not being restrained fading when John chained his hands close together in front of him before giving him the water back. “Drink up, son, you’re going to need it.” John said with a smile that had Dean’s blood running cold in fear.

“Why’s that?” Dean said. His brain finally cleared with the water and adrenaline now coursing through his body.

John sat back on his heels and looked at his son. Dean was surprised to see respect shining out of John’s eyes. “I have to admit, Dean, I really didn’t expect this from you. I thought you had me beat there, especially after resisting all that stimulation. Guess I was the one who broke, huh.” John smiled, stroking Dean’s cheek. 

Dean started to once again hope that John was giving up, but then that was quickly squashed with John’s next words.

“But… I believe I’ve actually figured out what it's going to take to make you submit.” John said. He started pulling Dean up again.

Dean didn’t want to know, he really didn’t. What the hell did John have planned that brought such delight into his expression?

He opened his mouth to ask exactly that, but the movement resulted in another coughing spasm. He gagged at the feeling of his ribs grinding against each other. 

“I know you’re curious, so let’s take a look at what I spent the last couple of hours doing.” John said. He pulled Dean over to the back window of the cabin. He stopped a little before it, so Dean still couldn’t see outside.

John tugged Dean’s hair harshly and tilted his face up. “I want you to know that even if you break right now, I’m afraid I’m going to have to go through with this. Just on principle, I’m sure you understand. Granted, I’ll cut the time down, but it’s gonna happen. You’ve been a real pain in my ass, Dean.” John said, the familiar anger returning. 

For the first time since John grabbed him, Dean was scared — really scared. John looked so confident, and after everything he tried… this was going to be really bad. John finally pulled him close enough to the window and Dean’s eyes widened and his brain stuttered to a stop. 

_ ‘NO! NO! NO! NO! NO!’  _ Dean screamed to himself that John couldn’t, he wouldn’t — not that. Dean looked at John, barely stopping himself from begging for mercy and promising anything John wanted, but he managed to only just stop himself. John was right. This was it, this was the thing that would break him, but John didn’t realize it would be too much, there would be too many pieces, and he would never recover from this. His whole body started to shake, and he almost threw up at the smug look on John’s face.

“I had a feeling you would react like that. You shouldn’t have pushed me so hard, son. This is all on you.” John said, trying to sound sympathetic but only succeeding in coming across as creepy.

Dean shook his head and looked out the window again, his eyes laser focused on the yard.

On the dug out hole.

On the open casket. 

This wasn’t real, Dean thought, and looked up at Alastair smirking at him. 

Dean shook his head at the image. He squeezed his eyes shut, his heart thudding so painfully he was afraid it would burst out of his chest. He opened his eyes and relaxed for a second when it was his father and not Alastair that he was seeing, but then he glanced out the window again and tensed back up. 

“Hey, don’t worry. I said I wasn’t going to kill you.” John said. “It should take about five hours… give or take, for your air to run out. He reached down for the oxygen tank Dean hadn’t seen before with a long thin hose attached to it. This way I can give you more air and then let it run out again as many times as it takes,” John said with a big smile as Dean’s eyes got impossibly wide.

“Dad…” Dean started and then stopped, swallowing, and then opened his mouth again. This was it, he was going to say please, because he just couldn’t bear it, he couldn’t let himself be buried alive. 

“And I think we’ll keep these on, too.” John said with a tug on the wrists. Dean almost whimpered, because he thought he might’ve been able to dig himself out like he did when he was brought back from hell, even though Dean was pretty sure Cas had done something to make the dirt so loose. He had to fight the urge to bite when John leaned down and sucked on Dean’s bottom lip before grabbing a short chain and starting to attach his wrists to the collar. “This will make it that much more interesting, don’t you think,  _ son _ ?” John sneered the word just like Dean had been sneering the word ‘dad.’

But before Dean could say anything, John’s phone rang, and then he received a text, and then it rang again, followed by another text. John frowned and left Dean leaning against the window. He walked away and was back a few seconds later. Dean felt his hair jerked from behind. Gasping at the pain it caused his ribs, Dean found his mouth stuffed with a foam like ball completely filling it up and then a thick leather panel gag placed on top. Dean tried to talk, but he could barely make any noises. John just finished locking it when his phone rang again. He pushed Dean, who cursed but no sound came out, when his ass was met with the hard wood of a chair. John quickly locked the short chain from his collar to the back of the chair and walked away as he answered the phone. He heard his father murmuring something and sounding concerned, but his heart was beating so loudly with terror that he didn’t pay much attention. 

Flashes of hell and Alastair putting him in a tiny stone vault, with only an inch or two of space around him, leaving him there for months, the bugs and creatures he felt but couldn’t see swarming over him, biting and tearing. Alastair took Dean’s fear of abandonment to a whole new level by sealing him off. It was so much worse than any of the pain he inflicted. And now, John was going to… 

“Well, I guess you got a little reprieve.” John said, coming back over. Dean noticed John looked a little spooked. 

Dean raised an eyebrow in question as more fear filled him, because John looked worried, and he would only be worried about one person — Sam.

Was he okay? What was happening? 

“Got to take off for a few hours, so I’ll just let you think about what will happen when I get back, okay, son?” John snickered. “Although, I think a small taste wouldn’t hurt,” John said. 

Dean tried to struggle, but he was too weak, and hurt, and now, worried on top of everything else, and within minutes, John had him on his knees with his arms pulled tight and chained above him. His ankles were chained to the floor, and a longer chain was locked to his collar and to the bolt his ankles were attached to, so Dean couldn’t lean forward without choking himself. A thick blindfold was locked over his eyes. Dean screamed a protest when the first ear plug went in but John ignored him. He felt John’s breath against his free ear.

“Have fun, son.” John chuckled, taking a nip at Dean’s ear before shoving the last ear plug in, plunging Dean into silence. He couldn’t see, he couldn’t move, he couldn’t hear, and he couldn’t yell. There was just blackness, silence, all consuming pain, overwhelming panic, and the sound of his pounding heart. 

______________

Sam picked the lock of the cabin and waited with his heart pounding to make sure he wasn’t heard. After a few minutes, Sam pushed the door open carefully. His eyes swept the room, taking in the empty bed, empty chairs, and empty bathroom, which could be seen from the door. 

Walking further into the cabin, Sam heard a soft moan and whipped his head around at the sound. Sam’s eyes widened in disbelief as he saw Dean hidden in the shadows in the corner of the cabin. He was chained on his knees with his arms raised and secured to a hook high on the wall, stretching his body painfully. He was blindfolded, ears plugged, and a thick leather gag in his mouth. Tears sprang to Sam’s eyes as he took in all of the injuries. Dean had clearly been beaten severely; not an area of his body remained free of bruises and cuts. There was a purple deep bruise over his right ribs that Sam knew meant at least one broken rib. Sam rushed over to Dean and he saw Dean’s back. It was laid raw from countless whip and belt marks. His ass had deep purple bruising and bright red marks that looked like from a cane or switch of some sort, but it was the blood streaks dripping down and coating the insides of Dean’s thighs that had Sam losing his battle and throwing up into the closest trash can.

_ Oh my god.  _ How could his father have done this? Sam edged closer and saw that not even Dean’s genitals had escaped. His balls were also purple and swollen with what looked like whip marks and, fighting another gag, Sam cried out when he saw the word  _ ‘mine’ _ carved into Dean’s chest. 

Shaking from shock, Sam knelt next to his brother who didn’t move and most likely didn’t hear Sam approach. He winced at the sight of the collar and the bloody, raw skin underneath it. 

“Dean,” Sam called out. He touched Dean’s face which caused Dean to flinch and then moan in pain when the violent motion pulled at his arms. It was then Sam noticed one of Dean’s shoulders was dislocated. 

Sam was going to kill his father very slowly for doing this to his brother. Dean was still struggling and Sam tore the ear plugs out so Dean could hear him. “Shush Dean, it's me, Sam, it's okay. I’m gonna get you out of this, okay?”

Dean froze and then whimpered behind the gag, shaking his head. 

“Yes, come on, Dean, give me a minute.” Sam’s heart broke when he saw the tears dampening the blindfold. He quickly picked the padlock and pulled the blindfold off first. Dean looked back at Sam with wide, terror-filled eyes. “It’s okay, Dean.” Sam tried to reassure him as he reached to remove the gag. He winced as he pulled the gag off, revealing a big foam ball that had been stuffed in Dean’s mouth. 

“Sammy!” Dean croaked out. “No!”

“It’s me, Dean, relax, I’ve got you.” Sam said, tears freely falling now. Sam reached for the wrist cuffs and Dean started to jerk away. 

“Sammy, please, you gotta go. He’s still alive. Please, you gotta run.” Dean croaked out. 

“I know he’s alive, Dean. Dad came back months ago. It's okay.” Sam said calmly hoping to ease Dean’s panic. 

Dean’s eyes widened. “No Sammy — Alastair — please, you gotta go before he comes back.” Dean begged, fear shining brightly in his eyes. 

Sam’s heart broke. His bastard of a father hurt Dean so badly he thought he was with Alastair again. 

“Alastair’s dead, Dean. Dad — god, Dad did this to you.” Sam choked on the words. He laid his palm against Dean’s cheek and forced Dean to look at him. “It’s okay, man, I’m gonna get you out. Cas is waiting outside. I just need to remove the wards.”

“Cas?” Dean whispered. Slowly his eyes started to clear. “Sam?”

“Yeah, Dean, I’m here.” Sam assured Dean as he unlocked both arms. 

Dean gasped out in pain and then groaned as his arms were lowered. There was a loud pop as the dislocated shoulder slid back into place and Dean almost toppled over, but Sam braced Dean against his chest and worked on freeing his ankles and neck. 

“Sammy?” Dean asked again. 

“Yeah, I’m here, Dean, you’re gonna be okay. I’m so sorry I didn’t know.” Sam said, wiping away his tears so he could concentrate. 

Dean just closed his eyes and took some deep breaths. “You weren’t supposed to find out Sam, who… how...” Dean asked, looking devastated and ashamed as if he had anything to be ashamed about. 

"Don’t worry about that now Dean, it’s gonna be okay.” Sam murmured. When Sam went to feel around the collar to see how to get it off and Dean flinched violently again. “Careful, it's a shock collar.” Dean warned with a gasping cough. Sam went still for a moment. The shock and the pain fled and rage built up in him. 

“I’m gonna fucking kill him!” Sam swore as he worked at the collar. 

His hands now shaking in rage, it took a few minutes before Sam heard the click. He gently peeled it away from Dean’s raw skin and looked at the piece of metal his father put on his own son like some kind of animal and, beyond furious to the point that he was seeing red, Sam threw it out the window. Turning back to his brother, he forced himself to calm down as he cupped Dean’s face. “It's gonna be okay, Dean. Cas will heal you up, okay? Just hang on.” Sam murmured. 

Dean was lilting forward, his arm held protectively against his side where Sam knew his ribs were broken. “Let me get you something to wear, okay?”

Dean just nodded, his eyes staring at the floor, his neck and face red with embarrassment. 

Sam quickly found Dean’s bag stuffed under the bed and pulled out some jeans. He winced at the pain it was going to cause his brother to put these on, but there was nothing else in there for him to wear. 

Grabbing a bottle of water, Sam lifted Dean up and sat him in a chair. “Here, drink while I put these on you.” Sam said. 

Dean nodded and took a few sips. Sam pulled the jeans up to his knees and then pulled Dean up and finished putting them on him. 

“Okay, let’s get you to Cas, and then I’ll come back and take care of the warding.” 

Dean started to nod, and then his eyes widened in fear. “Sam!” He called out, but before Sam could figure out what was wrong, he felt a sharp pain across the back of his head, and everything went black. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, another cliffhanger (did you see I made it a tag). I'm sorry, I'm such an evil writer, but I just can't help it. 
> 
> Triggers include threats of being buried alive, Sam seeing all the torture on Dean's body. 
> 
> I hope you liked the three of them all being awesome in their own way, even though Cas and Crowley suffered a bit. 
> 
> See you all next week! Thanks again for sticking with the story.


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone I'm sorry I am a few days late. This chapter was one really big chapter, I almost split it into three chapters but settled on two so here is the first one. 
> 
> Nothing too triggering, see end for notes.
> 
> Once again thank you for the continued comments and kudos. Another shout out to Anotherworld3111 for helping me with editing and answering questions about which direction to go in.

Sam groaned as he tried to open his eyes. He must have only blacked out for a second or two because he felt himself being dragged across the floor and then lifted up and placed in a chair. He tried to shake his head clear, but all he saw were black spots. Sam whimpered in pain and struggled, but he couldn’t make his body listen to him yet. Cold metal surrounded his wrists, and then he heard a few clicks. Finally getting his arms to move, Sam pulled, but found his hands attached to a pipe behind him. He was sitting in a chair that was pushed up against the pipe. 

“What?” Sam said, disoriented. He shook his head, vision finally clearing. A warm hand cupped his jaw. 

“I’m sorry, son. I didn’t mean to hurt you. You’re not supposed to be here.” 

Frowning, Sam’s vision finally cleared completely and he looked up into the soft, concerned eyes of his father. 

Face twisting in a snarl, Sam jerked his face away from John’s touch. “Don’t touch me, you bastard,” Sam yelled.

Hurt and regret flashed through John’s eyes. “It's okay, son, I'm gonna fix this. Just sit tight while I deal with your brother, okay?” John said calmly. 

Sam just gaped at his father. John was crazy; there was no other explanation for it. The soft and concerned look he directed at Sam turned into disgust and rage when he turned to look at Dean, who was struggling to stand up.

Snarling, John stalked over to Dean and punched him in the jaw. Weak and hurt, Dean went down hard. 

John started screaming how Dean ruined everything, how it was his fault he had to hurt Sam, and how John was going to make him pay for that as he kicked Dean repeatedly in his stomach and ribs. 

“Dad, stop!” Sam cried out as Dean’s eyes rolled around in his head, his breathing becoming raspy. “You’re gonna kill him, dad, please.” Sam entreated. 

John finally stopped beating Dean. Without a second look at his crumbled, bloodied son, John walked over to the fridge. 

Sam’s eyes were locked on Dean. “Dean!”

Green eyes dulled by pain opened halfway. “Sammy, you ‘k?” Dean rasped out, coughing violently at the effort of trying to speak.

“Yeah, man, I’m okay. You gotta relax though, okay? Deep breaths, you have some broken ribs.” 

Dean actually managed to chuckle. “A lot more than just my ribs are broken Sammy.

“I’m sorry, Sam.” Dean said, the small bit of humor fleeing. 

Sam was going to say something else when his father walked back over to him, carrying a glass of water, an ice pack, and a bottle of ibuprofen. Sam tried to jerk away, but he didn’t get far as John just placed the ice pack against the back of Sam’s head and guided his head back against the wall so he could hold it in place. 

He shook out two pills and Sam turned his head away. “Come on, Sam, it's just pain pills, okay? Your head must hurt.”

Sam looked up at John in shock. He moved away from John’s fingers again.

“Sam, take the pain pills or I’m going to have to punish your brother,” John threatened. Tears sprang to Sam’s eyes and he nodded. John smiled tenderly at him and helped him take the pills and drink the water. He then picked the ice pack up off the floor and put it back against Sam’s head and pushed his head back. “Hold it there, son. You’ll feel better soon.” 

“You’re fucking insane.” Sam snarled, but did what John wanted, because he knew Dean would pay the price if he didn’t. God, how many times throughout his life had Dean been punished for Sam’s behavior? 

John nodded and patted Sam’s cheek. He turned away. Dean had managed to pull himself up and was using the back of a chair to keep himself upright. 

Wanting to keep John’s attention on him, Sam spoke up. “Dad, this is crazy. Just let us go, no one has to get hurt anymore,” Sam said. 

“It's too late for that, son,” John said with regret. “I had a feeling something wasn’t right with your text and phone call. But I’m still really disappointed in you, lying to your father like that. You see what a bad influence your brother is on you?” John said with a glare at Dean. 

“Fuck you!” Dean managed to snarl out before coughing harshly again, and that… did not sound good, Sam thought, worried about Dean’s ribs. 

“Come on, dad, I know everything now. There’s nothing left to do other than to let us go or kill us. You gonna kill me, dad?” Sam sneered, knowing John wouldn’t hurt him, especially after the way he acted when he just hit him over the head. 

Dean, however, managed to pale even further at Sam’s words. “No, dad, don’t hurt Sam,” Dean entreated.

Sam felt sick when he saw the gleam in John’s eyes. John leaned over and started whispering in Dean’s ear. Dean shook his head once or twice, but John kept whispering, and Sam watched as Dean’s eyes got bigger and bigger.

“Don’t listen to him, Dean.” Sam urged, but they both ignored him. 

John stepped back. “So, Dean, what are you going to do to stop me?” John asked.

Dean, with a resigned look on his face, stepped toward John. “Don’t hurt Sam, dad,” Dean repeated, and then tears sprang to his eyes before he added. 

“Please.” 

Smug satisfaction flared across John’s face. Sam wanted to punch him. He watched, horrified, as John strode over to Dean and pushed him against the wall. 

“Finally,” John murmured, before yanking Dean’s hair back, and then to Sam’s disgust, he kissed him roughly. Dean started to struggle, but his eyes met Sam’s over John’s shoulder, and he stopped fighting, standing there passively instead.

Sam wanted to kill his father, slowly and without mercy, just for that look in Dean’s eyes alone. 

John finally stopped kissing Dean and started to step back, but Dean’s legs buckled and John caught him. Chuckling, John eased Dean into the chair. 

“I should have realized how quickly you would break if Sam’s safety was involved. You always did throw yourself in front of him when you were kids,” John said. He stroked Dean’s bruised cheek, unknowingly confirming Sam’s suspicions in the process.

Once again, Dean started to pull away, and then stopped as he remembered himself. 

Smiling widely now, John patted Dean on the cheek. “Don’t worry, Dean, I’m not going to hurt Sam. I’ve had a memory spell ready in case anything happened, so once I take care of your monsters, Sam won’t remember a thing. That is, unless you start to misbehave again, Dean, but we’re all done with that now, right, son?” John demanded. 

Dean opened his mouth and then closed it. Looking at Sam, who was about to shout something at John, Dean shook his head. Despite himself, Sam listened and kept quiet. 

“Right, dad.” Dean said.

“Good, that's real good,” John said, satisfaction practically oozing from his pores. “Because this spell is dangerous, and if I have to use it more than once, it could mess up Sam’s brain and could even be deadly. And we don’t want to take that risk, right, son?” John asked. 

Dean just nodded, tears falling freely from his eyes now. He looked so defeated, Sam felt his blood boil. 

John clapped his hands, making both brothers jump in surprise. “Let’s get this show on the road.” John went over to his bag, pulling out some papers and a spray can of paint.

“What are you doing?” Sam asked. 

“You’ll see,” was all John said. Sam and Dean’s eyes met with shared looks of concern and fear. 

About thirty minutes later, John had finished. Two circles were painted on the floor, one on each side of where Sam was sitting. There were signs and sigils Sam had never seen before. He remembered Crowley’s questioning about where John was getting all this magical knowledge from. 

“Dad, what are you doing?” Sam repeated.

John finally looked up at him. “Just watch, Sam. I’m going to make it all better, remember?” John answered, looking back at the papers he was inspecting. 

Sam looked at Dean, who was slumped in the chair, barely keeping himself from sliding down. His breaths were harsh and shallow, the position not helping his breathing. 

“Dean, man, you okay?” Sam asked.

Dean’s eyes jerked open.

John looked over at Dean. For the first time, he looked concerned. He went over to Dean and gently pulled him up into a more comfortable position. Pulling a flask out of his pocket, he handed it to Dean. 

Dean took it and winced as John once again gave Dean a deep kiss. “Good boy,” John praised. He turned around, missing Dean’s flinch. 

“Pay attention, Dean. What happens next is entirely your doing.” John said with a smirk.   


“What?” Dean said, coming back to himself a bit after having a drink of the whiskey. “What is? What are you doing? Dad?”

John didn’t respond, but he grabbed a bowl and then went back over to Dean and jerked his arm forward. Dean didn’t even get a chance to jerk his arm back before John had made a deep cut and held the bowl under it to catch the blood.

“What the hell!” Dean yelled, the pit in his stomach growing at the knowledge that John was using blood magic, and his blood in particular. This was going to be bad. Dean started to shake. Once again the brothers shared a horrified look between them. 

John just smiled and ignored him, going back over to the two bowls he had set up. “I need you both to be quiet. I don’t want to have to gag you,” John said in a calm tone, as if he was discussing what they were going to have for dinner. 

Satisfied when neither Sam or he responded, Dean watched as John poured half the blood in one bowl and half in the other and then began to chant. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers are only non-con kissing and violence.


	30. Chapter 30

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So good news, here is the second part of the split chapter. I figured I would post them both on the same night because.... bad news this has one hell of a cliffhanger, probably the worst one yet. See end for notes. 
> 
> Thanks again for the kudos and comments, almost at the 500 mark. You guys are really amazing.
> 
> And.... I have a surprise. Its been in the works for a while but there have been delays and I wasn't sure it would pan out but there will be art. I have the first picture but its for a future chapter and hopefully fingers cross that I didn't jinx anything by telling you guys but the rest should be coming soon. 
> 
> I mentioned in a few comments but this part of the story is not going to have a quick resolution with ups and downs. We are already a few chapters in and there are at least three more before there is resolution. 
> 
> Point of view jumps around a lot so hopefully its not too confusing. 
> 
> Ok here we go, see end for notes and triggers.

Castiel was pacing and becoming more agitated as more and more time went by and Sam didn’t come out and the wards didn't come down. 

“Something went wrong,” Castiel said, not for the first time.

Crowley, rather than pacing, was standing very still, but the tautness of his body broadcasted how tense the demon actually was. Red smoke was slowly oozing out of his eyes as his expression became more and more frightening, displaying the demon’s true self.

Castiel stopped abruptly as pain lanced through his body as the thought he was pushing away over and over came barreling forth. “You don’t think… I mean, he wouldn’t… Dean’s okay, right?” He asked in a choked up voice.

“He better be,” Crowley ground out through clenched teeth, his gaze never leaving the direction Sam went in. 

All of a sudden, the ground started to shake slightly and that finally caused the demon to turn and look at the angel. “Something’s happening, feathers. I feel…. “ Crowley started to say. To Castiel’s dismay, the demon disappeared, and by the split second of agony he saw on Crowley’s face, it wasn’t by choice.

“What?” Castiel started to say, and then he too felt unbearable pain, almost similar to the grace spell where it felt like thousands of hooks were attached to his grace and pulling him forward. Before he could wrap his mind around trying to figure out what was happening, he felt himself pulled — or sucked was more accurate — as he barreled uncontrollably forward. He blacked out with the pain. When he opened his eyes, he saw a bloodied and, thankfully, alive Dean sitting in a chair just a few feet from him.

“Cas,” Dean whispered, his eyes wide with fright. Castiel crawled forward, unable to stand yet, and reached a hand out to Dean, but he hit an invisible barrier. Growling at not being able to pull Dean into his arms, Castiel stood up in confusion. He looked around and saw Sam with his arms seemingly bound behind his back to a pipe, and on the other side was Crowley, who was throwing his power around and meeting with the same barrier. The demon was standing in a circle filled with sigils and signs and, looking down, Castiel saw he was in a similar one. 

“Well, that worked like a charm,” John said, his smile wide. Castiel looked up at the older Winchester. Still trying to figure out what happened, he watched as John walked over to Dean and leaned down. He grabbed Dean’s chin to force him to look at John and away from Castiel.

“Just remember, whore, this is all on you.” John said with a smirk.

John went to stand up, but Dean grasped his arm. “What are you doing, dad? What’s going on? How did you—” Dean started to ramble, nervous and scared at seeing the two powerful beings trapped at John’s mercy. 

John just yanked his arm away and strode back over to the table he was at.

“What is the meaning of this?” Castiel demanded. “Let us go!”

John ignored him. Castiel’s eyes met Crowley’s, and he saw that the demon was actually looking a little scared. Sam’s eyes were wide. He was shell shocked, and Dean… his beautiful Dean, was bruised, bloody, and barely breathing. Castiel’s eyes roamed over him, seeing the injuries and evidence of severe torture broadcasted on Dean’s body.

He did a double take. His eyes narrowed, his grace flared up in distress, and his vessel’s heart started to beat widely when he saw the crudely slashed word across Dean’s chest. ‘ _ Mine,’  _ it said.

Dean saw the direction of Cas’ gaze and he winced and flushed in shame. His eyes looked like liquid emeralds as they gazed at Cas with apologies spilling out of them, like it was in any way his fault. Cas savagely gave John a glare, but looked quickly back at Dean. 

“It’s okay, Dean, it’s not your fault,” Castiel said in a soft voice. Dean started to shake his head, but as their eyes met, they both got lost in each other’s eyes, Castiel trying to convey how much he loved him through his eyes alone. 

“I’m sorry, Cas. I should have told you,” Dean whispered as more tears fell. 

Before Castiel could respond, John banged the table, gaining everyone’s attention. His face was twisted in disgust and jealousy from watching their staring. 

He held up two guns, one silver and one black. “Matching set.” He smiled evilly. “What do you think, Dean, silver for the angel and black for the demon? Or is that too  _ cliché _ ?” John said with a chuckle at being able to throw Dean’s comment back at him. 

Dean ignored the jibe, too afraid of what John was going to do. “You don’t have to do this, Dad,” Dean said in a shaky voice. 

John walked behind Dean and jerked his hair back, tilting his head up. His stare never left Castiel as he bent down and sucked a bruise on Dean’s neck in a show of possessiveness. Castiel heard Crowley growl and Sam gasp, but he held John’s stare as fury swept through him. He wanted to tear this human apart. And John dared call  _ him _ a monster? 

“ _ Don’t touch him. _ ” Castiel and Crowley yelled at the same time.

Dean’s eyes looked haunted as they flicked over everyone. They were all here and in danger because of him. Cas and Crowley were going to be killed, because he was sure that John didn’t go to all this trouble to summon them unless he had a foolproof way of getting rid of them. And Sam, his brother’s head was going to be messed with, potentially causing damage. He had to stop this. His stupid pride and satisfaction at not breaking didn’t mean anything anymore, all that mattered was saving his family.

“Dad, please don’t hurt them. Please, I’ll do anything,” Dean begged. He had to fight not to throw up at the look in John’s eyes at Dean begging him. 

“You should have stayed away from him, Dean. I went to all that trouble to break you up and then you had to go crawling back like a bitch in heat.” John tsked. 

Dean knew, he knew deep down, but it still rocked him to hear confirmation that John had been behind Cas leaving him. 

Cas made a strangled hurt sound. Dean’s eyes flew to him. 

“I’m so sorry, Dean.” He said. “I should have…”

“You did exactly what I knew you would do.” John interrupted with a smirk. “Dean knows he’s not enough for people to fight for, isn’t that right, Dean?” 

“You bloody bastard!” Crowley swore as Dean seemed to curl into himself a bit at John’s words. Sam pulled roughly at his cuffs, wanting nothing more than to get his hands around his father’s neck, the expression on Dean’s face an awful thing to see. 

Dean believed him — why wouldn’t he? Considering how many times he had been walked away from, with Sam being the biggest culprit.

Sam mentally begged Dean to tell John to go fuck himself, but Dean didn’t say anything. 

“Except me, of course,” John added conveniently forgetting he had left Dean too. “I’ll always do whatever it takes to keep you by my side.” If he meant it to come out as romantic, then anyone would have laughed — had the situation not been as dire as it was. Coming from John, the words only sounded oily and perverted.

And yet, Castiel felt the anguish regardless, because the bastard was right, he hadn’t fought for Dean, and he had just abandoned him too. 

Physically flinching at John’s words, Dean frantically looked back and forth between John and Castiel. Castiel’s grace screamed in distress, because he recognized that look on Dean’s face, the look of resignation and hard determination, which Castiel knew that it meant Dean was getting ready to once again throw himself away to protect the people he loved.

Sam must have recognized the look too because he yelled, “Dean, don’t!” 

But Dean ignored them. He grabbed John’s arm, pulling him closer. “You’re right, dad. I see it now. So you don’t have to kill him. I’m…” Dean started and stopped, swallowing hard. 

“Ask me again?” Dean said, staring up with John, his gaze firm but his body trembling.

Ask him what? Judging by the smug satisfaction that practically oozed from John, Castiel knew, whatever it was, it wasn’t anything good. 

“Really? After all that resistance and defiance, this is what got through to you?” John said, but stepped closer to Dean, a look of sick anticipation on his face. 

“You don’t have to kill them. I get it now.” And then repeated. “As-Ask me again,” Dean whispered and John’s eyes lit up. 

“Dean, no!” Sam yelled again, and Castiel could only stand there, watching and begging silently for Dean to not do whatever he was thinking about. But Dean’s eyes never left his father’s. 

John took a deep breath. “Who do you belong to, Dean?” John asked and Castiel felt sick. This man was a monster. How could his father have let this man live and hurt Dean his whole life?

John reached out and grabbed Dean’s hair near his neck and jerked. 

“Who, Dean?” John growled.

Dean swallowed and a single fat tear fell down his cheek. With a quick glance around the room at his family, Dean choked out,

“You.” 

“That’s right, my little whore, you do,” John murmured, and then he passionately kissed Dean. 

John finally pulled back and then looked at Dean regretfully. “You finally submitted, Dean but I’m sorry it's not enough. I need to get rid of these monsters that have turned you against me, once and for all.” 

“No.” Dean whispered, horrified. Dean finally gave into John’s sick possessiveness after all the fighting and resisting, and it was all for nothing? Dean felt sick. “Please, dad. You won, you don’t have to do this,” Dean begged, but John’s eyes just hardened. 

“You shouldn’t have fought me so hard, Dean.” John admonished and Dean flinched again. He had been so proud of himself for staying strong and not submitting, and now…

“Don’t listen to him, Squirrel.” Crowley said his voice gentle and his gaze soft when Dean looked up at him. “He’s manipulating you, he’s going to kill us no matter what you do. It’s not your fault,” Crowley said, before turning to John. “You really think a gun is going to do anything to us?” Crowley sneered. 

“Not the gun, but the bullets. These…” John smirked as he popped open one of the chambers and dropped a bullet into his hand. He held it up with a smug look. “These bullets are made from an angel blade, so I’m sure this will do the trick for both of you.” 

“Dad, please. I’ll never see or talk to them again, just let them go,” Dean entreated, trying to change John’s mind.

“Sorry, son, but the demon’s death was already a done deal, I’m just getting it done sooner because you need to see them both die. It’s going to put a kink in the big plan when I kill him myself, but that’s okay, because you’ll take care of that problem for me.” John said, and everyone frowned in confusion.

“What the hell are you talking about, dad?” Sam asked. But John just waved his hand, dismissing the question without responding. 

As Castiel saw Crowley continuing to try and break the trap, he heard foreign words being whispered with his angel hearing. He glanced at the demon, who motioned at Castiel with his hands to try and stall John, before he went back to trying to use what Castiel guessed was witchcraft to break out.

John turned to look at the demon, but Castiel called out to John, trying to keep his attention away from what Crowley was doing. 

“John, we’re all at your mercy here, but before you do anything, let me heal Dean. I’ll go right back in the trap — or send him in here. I won’t fight you. Look at him,” Castiel demanded as Dean’s breathing became even more raspy. His lips were starting to display a tinge of blue. 

“You won’t fight? That’s rich. As if I’d trust a monster.” John scoffed, and his face hardened. “Don’t worry about Dean. In fact, don’t even think about him or look at him!” John snarled now, his face filled with rage. “You will never lay your sick, monstrous hands on him again.” 

Castiel opened his mouth to scream at John, but took a deep breath to remain calm. “Please, let me heal him,” He tried, but John just sneered.

“That’s enough. I guess that answers the question on who's going to go first.” John raised the gun and pointed it at the angel.

“Say good-bye to your angel, slut.” John cocked the gun and his finger tightened on the trigger. 

Castiel watched, as if in slow motion, as John squeezed the trigger at the same time Dean yelled, “ _ no _ !” and launched himself at his father, pushing his arm up, and the shot went wide. 

_____________

Dean watched in horror as his father pointed the gun at Cas. He could see Crowley trying to break the trap, but he wasn’t getting anywhere. The demon looked at him a few times, each time looking increasingly apologetic. 

Dean mouthed, “I’m sorry.” At him, but Crowley shook his head and glared at John, before going back to his attempts to break the trap, displaying without words that it was not Dean’s fault. 

__

Except it was. 

__

He was sitting here, barely able to move or breathe, and the love of his life and his best friend were about to be slaughtered in front of him because he brought them into his life. And now his father was going to kill them, and he couldn’t do anything to stop it. His arm started to tingle. Dean looked down at the Mark incredulously. He had almost forgotten about it with the collar suppressing any of its power, but Sam had taken the collar off and Dean started to feel stronger. So when John went to pull the trigger, Dean launched himself at his father, knocking the shot wide. 

__

“You little fucking shit. How the hell…” John started to ask, but then his gaze went to the Mark burning bright red on Dean’s arm, and then immediately went to Dean’s bare neck. 

__

“Where the fuck is your collar?” John yelled. 

__

Dean went for the gun when John was looking around, and tried to grab it out of his hand, but even with the Mark helping, Dean’s body was too damaged and weak.

__

John and Dean wrestled for the gun, but John quickly got the upper hand. “You fucking bitch! You dare stop me?” John screamed as he threw Dean to the floor.

__

“You submitted to me!” John snarled and kicked Dean in his chest. “How. Dare. You.” John said, punctuating each word with a kick.

__

The cabin was filled with screams from Castiel, Sam, and Crowley, all yelling at John to stop, but he ignored them. He went over to the pile of chains and started looking around, and then looked out the window.

__

Dean tried to get up. John turned around and gave him another kick before striding out the door. 

__

Castiel watched in horror as Dean’s breathing grew more labored and he started struggling to take a breath. Dean’s eyes widened in fright when he couldn’t take in any air. 

__

“Dean, it's okay, just breathe,” Castiel coaxed, but when Dean tried to take a breath, nothing happened. Panicked, Dean started to crawl over to Cas and reached out a hand but half a foot away from the circle, he ran out of steam.

__

“No, Dean, please, my Everything, don’t leave me,” Castiel cried out. 

__

Dean gave him a small smile. To Castiel’s horror, a frothy liquid started to leak out the side of his mouth. 

__

“Shit, his lung’s collapsing!” Sam cried out. “Dad, please, Dean needs help!” Sam screamed, pulling frantically at the cuffs, trying to pull the pipe out of the wall, anything to get to Dean. 

__

“John! He’s dying. Please let me heal him. Please!” Castiel screamed, tears streaming down his face as Dean laid his hand out, his fingers outstretched toward Castiel, who laid down on the ground and reached his hand out as far as the warding let him. 

__

Three sets of eyes focused on Dean. His skin was tinged blue and his eyes were slowly fading. 

__

Dean looked at Sam and gasped. “I’m…” he coughed, “Proud…” 

__

“I know, Dean, I know,” Sam said. “Save your breath, okay? Dad will be back in a minute.”

__

Dean just shook his head and looked at Crowley. “Thank,” he let out a sharp gasp, “you,” he uttered, before coughing harshly again, more frothy liquid escaping from his mouth. 

__

Dean’s lips were completely blue, now and his body was shaking in distress as it tried desperately to get the air it needed. 

__

Dean shifted his eyes to Castiel. “I…” he coughed, but valiantly pushed on, his voice a mere rasp. “Love,” gasping, Castiel could feel Dean’s struggle in his own vessel as Dean forced the last word out. “You.” Dean finished. 

__

Horrified Castiel watched as Dean's whole body shuddered violently, and then he went still. Castiel cried out as the light from Dean’s gorgeous eyes faded away. 

__

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah that happened. I know this is a bad one and please notice the new tag. I've been going back and forth on whether to give a spoiler so you all don't go crazy or leave you in suspense and since my compulsive need for cliff hangers has already done a number on you I will just say, please note the new tag and its not what your thinking. Too cryptic, sorry I don't want to give too much away. 
> 
> On another note, I also really struggled with Dean caving too so0n with John, first with saying please and then with the who owns you after being so amazingly strong against all of John's torture. But when it comes to Sam Dean never hesitates and John was very convincing and I tried to convey how none of that mattered when it came to saving everyone. Hopefully that came across and it wasn't too much of an about face. 
> 
> I am really not sure what happens when someones lung is punctured so I apologize if I completed missed the mark on that. 
> 
> Again, really sorry guys - but remember there is (fingers crossed) art coming.
> 
> FYI I have actually left the country instead of relying on witness protection LOL.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi sorry for the delay again, I could not figure out which chapter should come next so I decided to post them both tonight. The next chapter will probably be a little over a week from now, but I do have it written. I am working now on the final one to two chapters. 
> 
> Nothing too triggering here but a big mystery is revealed. 
> 
> This chapter and the next one were not beta'd so all mistakes are mine and I hope there are not too many. 
> 
> Once again thank you so much for the kudos and comments.

“ _ NO _ !” 

“Dean!” 

“Squirrel, no… ” 

The three fell silent, each staring at Dean, willing his chest to move. 

John came back into the cabin, holding the metal collar and paused at the stillness of the cabin. 

“What...?” His gaze fell on Dean. 

“No, Dean!” John ran over to him and fell to his knees. He immediately began trying to give him CPR, but nothing happened.

Silence once again descended on the cabin and the air was heavy with grief and loss when the sound of the cabin door being flung opened startled everyone. 

Sam watched as a beautiful red-haired woman waltzed in, and he was shocked to see Abaddon. Sam watched as her gaze swept the room before landing on Dean’s dead body. 

“Dean, no!” Abaddon screamed and knelt down next to Dean. Her hands fluttered over his body and her gaze darkened at the evidence of violence. She gently lifted Dean’s head and stroked his bruised cheek. “What did you do?” Abaddon demanded and with a flick John was thrown back against the wall with scream. With a quick kiss to Dean’s lips, Abaddon reared to her feet. 

“You killed him! You had one thing to do John and instead of delivering on our deal you killed my king.” Abaddon screeched and John screamed in pain as his lines of red ran down his cheeks and chest. 

“Just bring him back.” John wheezed through the pain. 

Abaddon’s eyes got wild. Sam saw Cas and Crowley looking at each other in disbelief and a little hope. 

“I don’t think I can you idiot!” Abaddon said and squeezed her fist causing John to cry out again. 

“Why?” John managed to say. “You brought me back.” John said and everyone in the room gasped. 

Sam’s blood ran ice cold. He looked at his father, this stranger. “You knew all along who brought you back. You let us… All that time we looked…” Sam stuttered out yanking on the cuffs wanting to pull at his hair in despair or better yet strangle his father. 

John opened his mouth to answer but Abaddon squeezed her fist again causing him to cry out in pain. 

She turned to Sam and laughed. “Oh yes daddy dearest tried for years and years down in hell to get someone to come talk to him and make a deal, and then when hell started with this ridiculous election to see who would run it, never mind that I’m the obvious choice,” Abaddon sneered at Crowley who just gave her a bland look before his eyes slid to Dean and hurt and loss flickered in the demon’s eyes. 

“Dad what did you do?” Sam asked in a young sounding voice.

“Sam I did what I had to do to get back to you.” John justified. “Even if it meant making a deal with this demon bitch.” John sneered which was followed by another cry of pain and more red lines of blood.

“Oh right the great John Winchester lowered himself to make a deal with another demon.” Abaddon laughed. “He never had any intention of following through if that makes you feel better Sam.” Abaddon said with a smirk and John gasped.

“You really think I didn’t know what you were doing, asking for all these sigils and spells and ways to kill a powerful demon.” Abaddon laughed again. “Like I would give you anything that could be used against me.”

Sam couldn’t believe it, not only had his father made another deal with a demon but he had been working with her this whole time. That explained where John was getting all this powerful magick from. 

“Then why make a deal?” Crowley asked. “What could he possibly have to offer you. Bringing a soul back to life requires a lot of magick.”

“It does, but you’d be surprised how much easier it is when you have the Men of Letters knowledge at your disposal.” Abaddon bragged and then snickered at the four confused looks at the mention of the Men of Letters. She laughed again. “So delicious.” She murmured. 

“Then bring him back.” John demanded again. In an instant Abaddon’s humor vanished and her eyes flashed black. 

“It’s not that easy now John, now that you let him go off and get the Mark. I’m not even sure where he went.” Abaddon shrieked her eyes wild. 

“What do you mean?” Cas demanded. “Dean should be in heaven.” 

“Oh stupid angel.” Abaddon said walking over and patting Castiel’s cheek like he was a little kid. “When Dean took on that Mark he made himself hell’s agent.” Cas gasped in shock and turned to shoot Crowley a furious look. 

Crowley just shrugged with an I didn’t know expression that nobody was buying. “But since he never connected with the blade I don’t know where his soul is.” Abaddon continued, her face twisted in fury.

Abaddon went back to Dean and lifted his face again. Her gaze turned soft and she caressed his jaw and pressed her lips to Dean’s blue ones ignoring the demands to not touch him and get away from him. She ran her hand through Dean’s hair. “Oh lover, you always have to make things so difficult.” She cooed. “I’ll find a way my king.'' She promised with another kiss. 

“Your king? What the fuck are you talking about Abaddon?” Sam demanded. 

She just chuckled and stood up. “Dean was, is, going to be my king. And it would have been so effortless if John had done what he promised.” 

“Which was?” Castiel growled upset at the way Abaddon had touched Dean and was calling him her king. This was completely unexpected. Castiel knew Abaddon had shown a strong interest in Dean, but he had no idea she had these kind of plans for him. 

“Why break him of course.” Abaddon said matter of factly. 

Abaddon tsked at the confused looks. “Dean is just so defiant.” She said. “And while it's what attracted me to him first, well second, I mean come on look at him.” She said with a wave of her hand and a lust-filled leer. “John said he could break him and then when I took the throne I wouldn’t have to wait for him to be trained, John would just order him to obey me.”

She shot John a look of disgust. “Well you know what they say if you want it done right….” 

“Dean is mine.” John screamed furious. “I would never let him be some pet to a demon bitch like you.” John sneered. 

Ignoring John Abaddon continued talking to Sam. “I admit I let your daddy’s smooth talking turn my head and now I need to deal with that Mark which makes Dean dangerous to me and it will be all the harder to bring him to heel.” Abaddon yelled, walking up to John this time and slapping him across the face. 

Then with a smile Abaddon turned back to the room. “So I have quite the to do list. First, I kill the angel, then the undeserving brother,” Abaddon said upbeat as she ticked off her list with her fingers. “Send you to the deepest darkest bowels of hell.” She said looking at John. “And finally kill the King.” She sneered. “In hell and in front of all the demons of course so my place as ruler will never again be questioned. 

Then, and most importantly, I find a way to bring my Dean back to me to rule at my side and keep me warm in bed. Oh the things I’m going to do to him.” Abaddon said with stark lust on her face. 

“Yeah I think I’ll pass.” Dean growled.

  
  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here it is, Abaddon was behind John's resurrection. How many of you had guessed it was her? I know it seemed a little out of the blue but I tried to drop some hints here and there.
> 
> Also in this timeline they have not heard of the MOL yet. Abaddon succeeded in getting the key and has had access to the bunker, which is where she has been getting all her knowledge. 
> 
> I need to figure out how to put a picture inside the next chapter so hopefully it will go up tonight. If not then tomorrow for sure. 
> 
> No triggers really other than Abaddon alluding to making Dean her King (pet) and references to John's training.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the second chapter and I'm sitting in a pile of hair from me tugging at it in absolute frustration at not being able to put the picture in, but I finally did it. 
> 
> Nothing really triggering here. 
> 
> Thank you all for continuing with the story. We are getting close to the end here. Please keep the comments and kudos coming, as they really motivate me and I am having a bit of a block when it comes to the last couple of chapters. 
> 
> Have a good week!

Dean opened his eyes and found himself surrounded by dirty white bordering on gray, a thick fog that left Dean feeling anxious and muted. Dean spun around and nothing changed. He noticed he was dressed but other than that all he could see was gray thick fog. Dean walked for what felt like hours but was probably only a few minutes and nothing changed. He tried to scream to see if anyone else was with him but there was no response. 

Time seemed to crawl by and he tried to remain calm, but he couldn’t fight the panic that welled up in him. He didn’t understand where he was and this all consuming nothing was already too much to bear. His breath was coming out in pants and his heart was beating out of his chest and Dean thought he was going to pass out when he saw a figure staggering toward him. 

Dean reached out a hand and steadied the man looking up into the face of his friend. “Death! Are you okay? Where are we?” Dean asked rapidly, still somewhat panicked. This wasn’t how he pictured dying. It felt weird. He thought when he died he would either be at peace or being torn apart in hell but now he just felt jittery and as if he was being pulled in two directions and being in this white/gray nothing was terrifying. 

Death tapped his cane and two chairs appeared. “Sit down Dean.” Death said. Once seated the horseman looked more steady. 

“What is this place?” Dean asked again. “I died right?” 

Death nodded his face a picture of sorrow and Dean was grateful his friend was the one who came for him. 

“Well thanks for coming to reap me yourself.” Dean said trying to smile at Death but it came out more like a grimace. 

“Of course Dean.” Death responded. “Do you remember what happened?”

Dean looked around again at the suffocating white/gray fog. His mind was full of swirls of nothingness as he tried to remember. He felt terror and pain and then he gasped and grabbed his head as he had flashes of his death and what had been happening at the time he died. 

“Are they okay?” Dean asked with wide fearful eyes. “Please tell me my dad didn’t kill them all?” Tears started to trickle down Dean’s cheeks at the thought. 

“I have not been called to reap anyone else yet.” Death replied. 

“Can you help them? Please.” Dean begged and his heart broke when Death shook his head. 

“Dean.” Death said as he leaned in close. A bony cool hand cupped Dean’s jaw with affection. “If I could have intervened I would have stopped him from causing you so much pain.” Death said with regret shining in his dark eyes. “I am very sorry Dean.” 

Dean nodded his face flaming from shame knowing that Death knew everything John had done to him, but Death just stroked away the tear that had slid down his cheek and shook his head. 

Dean gave a small smile and shrugged. “It’s okay.” Dean answered but he shook slightly at the memories of what his father had put him through. 

“It’s really not.” Death said dropping his hand and standing in agitation. “Your father is working with some powerful magick.” 

Dean nodded and he absently rubbed at the Mark on his arm, which surprisingly was still there and was angry and red, pulsing even. 

“Yes we need to talk about that Dean. You do find a way to get yourself into cosmic-sized messes don’t you.” Death said, his tone serious. 

Dean shrugged again. “Yeah well, have you met me?” Dean said with a self deprecating chuckle. 

Death gave an answering chuckle and then got serious again. He sat back down, and if possible he appeared paler than normal. 

“So we find ourselves in a bit of a conundrum.” Dean opened his mouth but Death put a hand up to stop him from interrupting. “Did you realize the consequences when taking on that Mark Dean?”

Dean pinked in embarrassment because of course he hadn’t, he just dove right in without caring of the consequences. A hoard of demons surrounded the house, Abaddon was gaining in power and Dean had lost Cas and Sam so he didn’t really care at that point. “Uh not really.” Dean said softly. 

“I figured.” Death answered. After a few minutes of silence where Death just stared at Dean, dread filled Dean up because it wasn’t like his friend to be hesitant about anything. 

“Okay share with the class, how bad did I fuck up this time?” Dean said reverting back to his usual snark as his nerves and fear threatened to take over. 

“Don’t sass me Dean.” Death responded and Dean nodded quickly saying sorry sir to which Death snorted. Dean stared a minute at hearing such a human sound from the Angel of Death and then he grinned and the heavy moment lightened somewhat. 

“I am sorry.” Dean repeated. “I can’t help it sometimes.” Dean added and Death just shook his head fondly. 

“Listen to me Dean because we don’t have much time.'' Death said and tapped his cane, his face somewhat foreboding and Dean’s spidey senses started to tingle. “With the Mark on your arm and the blade in your possession upon your death you were destined to turn into a demon, a Knight of Hell in fact.” Death explained and Dean paled and felt like ice had been poured down his body. 

“No!” Dean whispered in denial. “No, no, no, I can’t be a demon?” Dean stated his voice full of horror. 

“Yes that would be very unfortunate.” Death agreed. The thing is Dean you haven’t yet been united with the blade so now you are kind of stuck in this limbo.” 

“Is that why I feel like I’m being tugged in two different directions.” Dean asked.

“I would imagine so yes.” Death responded with a slight tilt of his head as he peered more closely at Dean.

Dean’s stomach sank and he started to shake in fear and regret. Dean once again has made a momentaneously bad decision, but this time the consequences were too big. “What does that mean, what’s going to happen to me?” 

“I imagine if you stayed in limbo you would eventually go insane but honestly Dean other than Cain who is still alive, albeit a demon, this is unprecedented. I simply do not know.” Death explained.

Eyes wide with fright Dean nodded. 

“Dean do you know how much I’ve enjoyed our little excursions?” Death asked.

Dean jerked slightly at the abrupt change in the direction of the conversation. “I think so, I know I’ve really enjoyed them and spending time with you. You’ve kinda awesome.” Dean admitted with a smile and was rewarded with a big one in return.

Death seemed to realize he was smiling like a loon and cleared his throat and put his serious face on causing Dean’s smile to widen. 

“As I was saying.” Death continued. “Since God left I have not really had the occasion to…” and Death paused trying to find the words. Sighing Death continued. “I found myself lonely. I have been alive for a very very long time Dean.” Death murmured. 

Dean just nodded because he knew Death had been around since the beginning and was older than God probably but definitely older than Cas and all the angels. 

“And then comes along this human, this frustrating, brave, crass, loyal and infuriating human who stood up to me and refused to cower in fear even though I know you were shaking in your boots.” Death his lips quirked up in a small fond smile. 

And Dean snorted at that because it was true. Nobody scared Dean more than this being, not angels, or gods or monsters. 

“But despite the fact that you continually cause destruction on a global scale, I have come to care about you Dean, very much so.” Death said his dark eyes focused intently on Dean, and Dean blushed causing another inelegant snort to escape Death. “So I am going to give you a choice Dean. I will send you back, as a human.” Death said, once again putting up a finger when Dean went to open his mouth with a slight glare at Dean for interrupting. Dean chastised snapped his mouth shut. 

“You can go back to being a human, back to all the pain and fear, which could possibly lead to you being right back here again at which time I will not be able to help you, or you will turn into a Knight of Hell if you die after being united with the Blade. Death explained and Dean’s face lost all color and his eyes were blown wide with fear and regret. 

Seeing the look on Dean’s face, Death padded Dean’s hand in comfort. “Don’t worry Dean there is another option.” Dean leaned forward a little hope running through him. “I could turn you into a reaper and you will be able to stay by my side for eternity.” 

After a few seconds of silence Dean went to ask another question his voice choked up, full with shock and awe at the enormity of what his friend was willing to do to help him. “If I became a reaper, I would never turn into a demon, even with the Mark?” Dean asked his mind whirling. Did he want to go back to all that pain and humiliation especially now that Sam knew everything? To fighting for his life every minute of the day and never winning? To dread being killed because of this damn Mark on his arm and turning into a demon if he was? But then there was Cas, was it better for the angel for Dean to stay dead because Dean would only bring him down and continue to cause a rift with his family. But could Dean give him up? He was the love of his life. Dean’s mind was awash with the pros and cons. 

“If I return back human, can I remove the Mark?” Dean asked hopefully.

“I do not know.” Death answered honestly.

“Will we still get to hang out?” Dean asked because that was very important to him.

“Of course.” Death replied.

“Then you know what my answer is right? I can’t leave them in such a dangerous situation and I’m the only one who can kill Abaddon and stop hell on earth.” Dean said with conviction but his eyes still reflected uncertainty. 

“Dean.” Death said with a serious tone. “It is not always up to you to save the world and be the hero. You can be selfish.” Death implored but he knew deep down that Dean would never take the easy way out. It just was not in the boy’s DNA. 

Death had considered for more time than he would like to admit just making Dean a reaper and never giving him the choice, but he was invested in this planet and despite him wanting to be selfish for the first time he could ever remember he knew Dean needed to go back, Dean was too important. Death would support him either way but the decision would be Dean’s alone. 

“But you must understand Dean, this place, it's surprising that I was even able to get to you here.” Death confessed. 

“Is that why you seem unsteady? Are you being hurt here?” Dean asked with concern.

“Not hurt as much as drained. It was very difficult to get here. And I’m afraid I will not be able to return if you are killed before getting rid of the Mark or uniting with the blade.” Death said with regret. It had really taken a monumomentous amount of energy and power to find Dean here in this nothing that seemed to create itself upon Dean’s death since his soul truly did not belong anywhere at the moment. 

“So if I go back and die trying to save my family, I will be stuck here in this storm cloud from hell forever?” Dean asked with dread.

“I am afraid so.” Death responded, his face full of regret that he would to be able to help Dean if that happened. 

Dean was having a hard time being here for even a minute or two before Death showed up and even now it was truly terrifying. To be stuck here for eternity would be horrifying and so much worse than hell, but while the prospect of being a reaper was appealing, Dean would never not try to save his family. Even if Sam never wanted to see him again, he had to do everything he could to save him. And Crowley didn’t deserve to die because of Dean, and Cas, well Dean had to try to save his angel. 

Death nodded looking sad but resigned. They both stood and the chairs disappeared and Dean shivered again at the emptiness of this place. 

Then Death shocked himself and Dean by pulling the boy into a hug. It was a strange sensation, probably the first hug he had ever had, but he found he liked it. 

“Dean before you go,” Death said as he grabbed Dean’s arm and placed a finger over the Mark. “If you survive, I will do my utmost to help you remove this before it is too late.” Death vowed.

“Really?” Dean asked with an almost little boy voice so surprised that someone like Death would be willing to help him, and once again Death cursed God for all the heartache this human has had to live through that caused him to think so little of himself. He would never understand it.

“Yes really.” Death repeated his voice full of fondness. “Now go and, what is it you are fond of saying?” Death pondered for a moment and then smiled. “Kick it in the ass!”

Dean smiled lighting up his beautiful face and despite Dean choosing to leave him, Death felt a warmth spread through him at the sight. This boy was so special. Feeling himself close to the last of his energy and ability to stay here, Death twisted his ring. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope I haven't disappointed too many people with there being no Deanmon, but I think I mentioned a long time ago the Mark is not acting like it did in canon or in my other fics. I went a different route this time because it fit the story and I really wanted Death to be the one to help Dean, and of course I wanted to show again how Dean was willing to sacrifice himself to this place if he dies again just to save his family. 
> 
> I hope this bit of fluff between Dean and Death makes up for it. I loved writing this and was looking forward to posting it.


	33. Chapter 33

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you all are well. This was originally part of one long chapter but I decided to split it up because major things happen in both of them and I didn't want one to overshadow the other. Therefore, they are on the shorter side but don't worry there is still a lot that happens. 
> 
> My previous artist was not able to finish, but I have a new artist -- the incredibly talented and sincerely wonderful person, Midnightsilver, who stepped in at the last minute and has done an incredible job so far. I can't wait for you guys to see their picture in the next chapter, and I will probably put in an author's note when I add the rest to the parts of the story that have already been posted. 
> 
> Thanks again for the kudos and comments, and most especially the encouragement. I actually did quite a bit of writing this week and it is looking like there are going to be 4 to possibly 5 more chapters. I have the next two written and pieces of the rest. Again thank you for the comments. You all are the best readers. 
> 
> Chapter was not beta'd so all mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Nothing too triggering in this chapter - see end for notes.

“Yeah I think I’ll pass.” Dean said and everyone gasped in shock seeing Dean standing there. He was completely healed and his eyes were a burning furious green. 

Abaddon spun and her gaze raked up and down Dean’s body stopping at his eyes. She peered closely. “You’re human.'' She laughed and clapped her hands together in delight. “Oh lover, you just saved me a lot of time.” Abaddon cooed as she walked over to Dean and pulled him into a kiss.

“Don’t fucking touch me.” Dean sneered pushing her away. 

“Now lover is that anyway to talk to your queen.” Abaddon purred completely nonplussed with Dean’s resistance and went to grab his neck again.

Dean tried to back away but Abaddon just flashed her black eyes and Dean found himself on his knees and pinned in place. 

“Let me go you bitch!” Dean yelled but could do nothing as Abaddon once again kissed him passionately, her hands running over his naked shoulders. 

“I’m going to fucking kill you.” Dean said but Abaddon just laughed. “That’d be a neat trick. I know you haven’t been united with the First Blade yet. You being human is proof of that, but exactly how are you alive again Dean?” Abaddon asked, jerking his head back by the hair. 

“Sorry sweetheart, I don’t kiss and tell.” Dean snarked and fury flashed in Abaddon’s eyes before she threw back her head and laughed. “Oh Dean. What fun we’re going to have together.” She said nibbling at his lips. “You give a girl all sorts of nasty ideas.” 

Dean just rolled his eyes and then gasped in pain as Abaddon bit his lip jerking his head back to the point of pain. 

Dean’s eyes flickered around the room trying to figure a way out of this new mess, and his gaze landed on Crowley who padded his chest over his heart. Dean squinted in confusion but then he felt a pull from the Mark on his arm the longer he looked at Crowley. Eyes widened in realization Dean looked at Abaddon and when she started to kiss him he kissed back. 

Surprised she pulled away. “Change of heart already? I know I’m a good kisser but I’m not that good.” Abaddon said with suspicion in her tone.

“I want to talk about a deal.” Dean said and Abaddon smiled evilly and released Dean from his hold. Dean got up, keeping Abbadon in his sight. He refused to look at Cas even though he could feel his angel’s gaze boring into him. 

“You don’t really have anything to deal with Dean, and after your father, making deals with a Winchester doesn’t sound like a good idea.” Abaddon said with another glare at John. Dean squinted in confusion.

“Dad made a deal with her to come back. She’s the one who resurrected him.” Sam said in disgust. 

Dean’s eyes widened and he looked at his father. “How could you?” Dean asked in shock. What a fucking hypocrite. After everything he said about Dean working with a demon he had made another deal! 

“How could I?” John yelled. “I did what it took to get back to my son and take back my bitch.” John sneered. 

Dean turned away from his father, his heart sick. At Abaddon’s chuckle he focused back on the bigger problem at the moment. “It’s simple.” Dean said and walked around her. “Sam, Cas and Crowley walk and I’ll go with you and be your…” Dean swallowed hard and forced himself to finish. “Your king.” 

Cas and Sam both gasped and John despite his injuries chuckled. “See just a whore. Going gets tough and your first thought is to sell yourself.” John sneered. He pulled his head away from the wall and tried to lean forward, his eyes slits of fury. “But you can’t bargain away what belongs to ME!” John snarled his eyes mad and then he coughed and gasped when Abaddon tightened her fist. 

Dean paled a bit at his father’s harsh words but ignored him. Abaddon put one arm across her chest and the other started to twirl a long piece of hair. “Hmm, let’s see. I won’t kill your angel or Sam, but I won’t let them go either. I think having them tucked away in a dungeon in hell would be just the motivation I need to keep you in line.” Abaddon said with glee. 

“You know.” Her tone turned seductive and she took a step closer to him, you were so close to turning the last time you were in hell, it won’t take long for your darkside to take over, especially with that Mark on your arm. Come to think about it, that Mark might just turn out to be the best thing yet. Between my training, your turning and a couple of hostages thrown in, I think this will work out real well.” Abaddon drawled her face alight at the possibilities. 

_ I carved you into a new animal Dean.  _ Alistair’s nasally voice slithered in Dean’s mind and Dean shivered in disgust and fear because he had and Dean really didn’t want to find out what would happen if he was brought back to hell. 

Eyes wide and desperate Dean looked up at Abaddon who cooed and cupped Dean’s jaw. “Don’t worry pet, we're gonna have a grand old time.” 

Dean shook himself and stepped away from her. “My dad?” He asked and Abaddon scowled. 

“Oh he’s going right back to his little corner of hell, but I’ll let you bring him out to play if you want my king.” Abaddon smirked. 

John started to curse and Sam and Cas were yelling but with a flick of her wrist there was silence. 

Dean stepped closer to the demon. “And Crowley?” Dean asked. 

“Sorry lover but he has to die. I don’t want any questions about who sits on the throne.” 

“He can be a hostage too.” Dean said, attempting to bargain.

“NO!” Abaddon snarled. 

Dean put his hands up in a woah gesture and then Dean paused to consider.

Dean turned his back to Abaddon and looked at Sam and Cas. They both managed to pull off looks that were a combination of begging and furious. Dean looked at both of them, his face resigned and sad but then Dean winked and the looks turned into confusion and a little hope. 

Turning back to face her, Dean grabbed Abaddon and brought her close. He tilted her chin and brought his face close to hers getting ready to kiss and seal the deal. Abaddon was practically vibrating with anticipation, her lips were parted and she was letting out breathy gasps. Dean looked over at Crowley and nodded and then leaned in to where their lips were practically touching and Dean murmured. “Well like I said before. I’m gonna have to pass.” 

Abaddon reared back in shock and her face contorted in fury and disbelief. She raised her hand but before she could make a fist Crowley pulled the First Blade out of his coat and tossed it in the air. Dean reached out his hand and he heard Abaddon’s scream of fury when the Blade landed in his hand. 

Pulsing red hot power raced through Dean’s veins so powerful his hand started to shake and his body blossomed in pain at the raw energy zipping through him, his human body not yet able to handle all that power. He saw red and felt blood lust flowing through his veins, and just when Dean thought he would have to let the blade go because it was too much, a calm descended. He looked at Abaddon and he knew, he knew he wouldn't be stopped. He would take down Abaddon and anything else if I had to. 

It was bloody and brutal and every hit she landed felt like a semi had run into him and every pulse of power Abaddon hit him with like a burning live wire of energy, but the Mark kept pulsing and pouring power into Dean so he kept fighting and soon Abaddon was looking almost as bad as him. Finally with a growl Abaddon threw a massive wave of power at him and he flew against the wall, the Blade falling from his hands. Dean gasped as the pressure on his chest increased. 

“A boy and his blade and still no match for the new Queen.” Abaddon smiled and wiped away some of the blood dripping down her face. “Oh lover, I’m going to have to punish you for this.” Her eyes burned brightly with malice. “I think one hostage will be enough, especially if it's your darling little brother. I imagine tossing the angel to a bunch of my demons as a reward will be just the right punishment for you.” Abaddon laughed. 

“How’s it going to feel while you watch him being torn to pieces, his grace splattered over the walls of hell and his wings permanently seared into the floor of the throne room where you’ll be kneeling at my feet. And it will be. All. Your. Fault.” Abaddon said each word accompanied by a thrust of power. 

Dean looked at Cas in horror. Cas who has done so much for him, given him so much, and shown him what real love was for the first time in his life, and he would be damned if this bitch got her claws in him because of Dean. 

Dean saw the First Blade on the ground and felt that same pull and concentrated on it. He had to save Cas, and Sam and Crowley no matter what and the crushing in his chest lessened as the deadly calm spurred back to life and in the blink of an eye the First Blade was back in Dean’s hand, Abaddon’s hold on him was broken and he strode over to her. 

She gasped in shock and tried to throw more power at him but it just bounced off him, and after blocking a punch she threw in desperation Dean buried the First Blade into her chest to the hilt. Her scream echoed in the cabin as black smoke poured from her vessel’s body and sizzled and smoked. Quiet descended and Dean looked down in satisfaction at the pile of smoking ash, her magically recreated vessel having disintegrated without her essence to hold it together.

After several beats of silence Dean dropped to his knees Blade skidding away, his body exhausted and weak from the supernatural power running through his still human body and the brutal fight.

“Dean!” Castiel yelled out in fear, and Dean looked up and cursed when he saw that John had the Blade in his hand. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Only triggers are references to past and potential future abuse, blood and violence.
> 
> So Abaddon bites the dust. I know she came and went pretty quickly, but the story was never going to be about her. I just needed an explanation for John coming back and having access to so much knowledge. 
> 
> I hope you enjoyed seeing a BAMF Dean in this chapter. 
> 
> When Dean winks at Cas and Sam I pictured the scene in the green room when Dean winks at Sam right before he kills Zachariah. 
> 
> And sorry for yet another cliffhanger, it seems to be a compulsion lol.


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I hope you all had a good week. First I just want to continue to thank you all for leaving kudos and comments. We are over 550 now and edging closer to 575 kudos. I really can't express how happy that makes me. 
> 
> Second, my amazing artist has finished all the pictures so a big huge thank you goes out to MidnightSilver for stepping in at the last minute, working like crazy to get them all done so quickly, and creating the most amazing beautiful pictures. 
> 
> Please check out their tumblr page here: [MidnightSilver](https://midnightsilver.tumblr.com/)
> 
> And last, I've had a crappy week so I have not gotten much writing done, but I do have next week's chapter done and hopefully I can figure out the rest of the other chapters so as not to cause a delay in posting.
> 
> So that's it tonight. The chapter is a little short, but I don't think you're going to mind. 
> 
> Chapter has not been beta'd so all mistakes are mine. See end for triggers.

“Dean!” Castiel yelled out in fear, and Dean looked up and cursed when he saw that John had the Blade in his hand.

“Good job son.” John said with a slight wheeze from his chest. Dean tried to move but was unable to get up in time and he watched in horror as John dumped the Blade in a metal box with runes on it and Dean felt the disconnect from the power like losing a limb.

“No!” He yelled and went to lunge for the box but froze when he saw John had picked up both guns. He was holding one in each hand, the guns pointed at Cas and Crowley, who were still trapped.

“Don’t!” Dean demanded but John just grinned. He looked a mess and Dean was amazed he was still standing but unfortunately John’s hands were steady.

“That thing.” John said moving his head to thrust his chin at Dean’s arm. “What a gift. You know at first I was kicking myself for letting you go off on your own. I admit I miscalculated that plan of mine, I figured you would be begging to come back like the pathetic bitch you are within a week,” John said with a snicker and Cas and Crowley both growled at John. “But now just think of what we will be able to do son.” John said looking over at Sam who froze when John’s gaze fell on him.

“What are you talking about dad?” Sam asked.

“I’m talking about becoming legends, defeating everything and anything in our path. Think about it Sam.” John said and took a step closer to Sam and Dean tensed. His eyes were flickering between all three captives once again trying to figure out how to get out of this situation.

John saw Dean tense and before Dean knew what he was doing John stepped close to him and whipped his head with one of the guns before training it right back on Cas. “Ah ah ah son, stand down.” John said with a smirk and he backed away from Dean a few feet the guns never wavering.

Dean heard Sam gasp and Cas swear at John as he shook his head to clear the fussiness from the hit. He wiped hastily at the blood dripping down his temple.

John turned back to Sam and started talking like he hadn’t just pistol whipped his son. “Sam, between your brains and research abilities, my leadership and knowledge, we will be amazing.”

“And Dean?” Sam asked through gritted teeth.

John’s eyes filled with madness. “Dean will be part killing machine part whore. Our own little ferocious pet.” John said with a smile. “Since he obviously can no longer be trained, we’ll have to keep him chained up.” John laughed maniacally. “Yeah, yeah I like that.” He murmured to himself. His gaze landed on Dean again full of lust and darkness.

“Keep you chained to the bed, use you whenever I want, maybe even sell you a few times so we don’t need to deal with the stolen cards anymore. Then when we figure out the monster we bring you in for the kill. Our very own little bitch, tearing into monsters and then turning ass up for us when done. What’d you think Sam. You in? I bet you always wanted a piece of that ass, I mean anyone who looks at him does.” John said with a leer.

“You’re sick!” Sam snarled, but his eyes were wide and frightened at seeing this side of his father.

“Don’t worry Sam, I’m sure I can tweak the memory spell I’ll have to use on you to make you okay with the way things are going to be. Maybe I’ll save you the crisis of consciousness and add something in there to make you on board with our little whore over here.” John said with an evil smirk.

Sam gasped and his eyes narrowed in hate, and Dean was shocked to see that look on Sam’s face directed at their father, no matter what filth John was spewing. That was the Sam Winchester look that guaranteed hurt and death and made most humans, demons and monsters quake.

John wasn’t fazed though, he just grinned proudly at Sam. “Yeah that’s my boy. You certainly don’t disappoint.” John said and then looked back at Dean who had been trying to inch closer. “Not like this one over here.” John sneered.

And despite everything -- the torture, the rape, the attempted training, Dean couldn’t help the hurt he felt at hearing that and he visibly winced. John’s words always hurt worse than anything he ever did to Dean.

John looked satisfied at Dean’s reaction and Dean cursed himself for displaying emotion. “But first, we need to get rid of Dean’s merry band of monsters. Like I said before I think seeing the demon and angel die is going to do a lot for your attitude huh son. And then we’ll go get that vampire and I’ll cut his head off nice and slow in front of you.” John promised.

“No!” Dean shouted but John just cocked the guns. “Dad please.” Dean pleaded. “I meant what I said before, I’ll do anything, just don’t hurt them.”

“Dean no.” Cas yelled, but Dean just shook his head.

“Squirrel don’t! I couldn’t live with myself if you…. Don’t!” Crowley yelled.

“Dean!” Cas entreated again, pulling Dean’s gaze away from the demon. “Don’t Dean, don’t you dare sacrifice yourself for me. It won’t matter.”

“He’s right.” Sam added and John’s face got red at Sam’s interference. “He won’t stop anyway.”

John’s anger turned into a proud grin lightning fast. “See my boy’s a genius.” John touted. “He’s right though you’re gonna do whatever I want anyway you stupid slut, especially when I get that collar back on you.” John sneered his proud look at Sam turning quickly into disgust at Dean.

Dean shook his head in denial and went to move toward John figuring he would take a shot but without missing a beat John turned the demon gun and shot Dean in the thigh causing Dean’s leg to buckle and Dean to fall to his knees.

“Fuck! Are you crazy!” Dean yelled as he grasped at his bleeding limb.

“Relax it's just a flesh wound.'' John sneered. “So fucking weak.” He murmured with a glare at Dean.

Dean ignored John’s comment and looked wide-eyed at Cas. Dean was getting really tired of everyone threatening Cas’ life. How is it possible that he had just killed an unkillable knight of hell but he still found himself at his father’s mercy; Crowley and Cas' lives still on the line. After all that, he still wasn’t enough to save his family.

“I’m so sorry.” Dean uttered and Crowley gave him a soft look. Dean turned toward his angel who was looking back at Dean, part furious, part resigned. “I love you.” Dean said again tears falling down his face, eyes drinking in the blue ignoring John’s growl of fury.

Cas stepped as close to the barrier as possible. “I love you too, my Everything.” Cas said with a smile, his eyes burning with love and devotion.

“Fuck!” Dean wasn’t going to lose his angel; he screamed to himself. Dean turned and saw John’s fingers tense on the triggers and screamed. “No please!” His cry anguished as his gaze swept the room looking for anything to help, and then he saw it - the handle of John’s gun sticking out from beneath the throw rug, flung there when John had used the shock collar on him for the first time.

The world slowed down and all sound ceased until the boom of two gunshots filled the cabin.

Dean watched his father’s face turn to one of confusion as he looked down at his chest and saw two bullet holes. Eyes wide with shock John looked at Dean lying on his back on the floor holding his smoking gun. “Finally found some balls you little cocksucker.” John chuckled as blood bubbled up in his mouth.

John then raised his eyes which teared up with hurt and shock when he saw Sam standing proud and steady, handcuffs dangling from one wrist and both hands holding the other smoking gun. “Sam? Son? Why di….?” John started to say but then his eyes rolled up and he fell dead.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers include violence and death, discussions of sexual slavery. 
> 
> So this was a long time coming huh? I went back and forth a lot on who would actually be the one to kill John. I narrowed it down to Dean or Sam as I wanted Sam to save Dean but I also wanted Dean to finally stand up to his father and end all the abuse, so having them both shoot and kill John at the same time I think worked really well. I hope you enjoyed it. 
> 
> I changed the tags to include major character death. I'm sorry if any of you are upset that I didn't put that up at the beginning but it would have been a huge spoiler, and you know it was John so...
> 
> See you next week!


	35. Chapter 35

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> AUTHOR'S NOTE - ART ADDED

Hi art by MidnightSilver has been added to chapters 2, 3, 14, 22, 34, 39 and 41. 

Chapter 22 is NSFW.

There is now art in chapters 2, 3, 14, 22, 32, 34, 29 and 41. 

Please see chapter 34 notes for link to the wonderful amazing artist's info and tumblr page link. 

Enjoy!


	36. Chapter 36

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I'm sorry this chapter is late, I've been sick and haven't wanted to do anything so unfortunately I haven't gotten much writing done, but this chapter was ready to go so I wanted to post it. Hopefully I can get going and will have a chapter in the next week to a week and a half. 
> 
> Thanks for all the comments regarding John's death. I'm glad everyone seemed to like how he died and who killed him. I wrote that chapter at the very beginning and I couldn't wait to get to the point where I could post it. Again, I really appreciate the comments and kudos.
> 
> See end for triggers, but nothing too bad in this chapter. This one and the next two or three will be dealing with the aftermath of Dean's trauma and some much needed talking.
> 
> This chapter has not been beta'd so it's a bit rough. All mistakes are mine.

Dean watched as his father crumbled to the ground, almost expecting him to pop back up in true horror movie fashion considering how often John seemed to get the upper hand. Surely with all that dark magic John was messing around with he had something in play to keep himself from dying, but seconds ticked by and nothing happened and Dean let out a breath he didn’t realize he was holding. 

Was it really finally over? Had he finally stopped the monster that was his father? 

Well not him alone. Dean thought and turned his attention to Sam who was still frozen with his gun outstretched and the patented “I’m Sam Fucking Winchester” face on. 

Dean put his gun down and rolled to his feet grimacing as the gunshot wound in his leg spiked in pain, and Dean could feel his jean leg was wet with his blood but Sam still didn’t move. Dean cast a quick glance at Cas who gave him a worried but relieved smile, and he approached Sam cautiously. 

“Sam.” Dean said softly but there was no response. “Sam it’s over, it's okay.'' Dean said as he reached for the gun and pulled it out of Sam’s unresisting hands. 

Finally Sam turned his face away from their dead father and looked at Dean but his expression was still hard and cold. 

“Sammy?” Dean murmured and just like that Sam's face crumbled and tears sprang to his eyes. “Dean.. I. Dad…” Sam said looking at their father's body and then he turned back to Dean.

Sam’s legs started to fold as shock set in. Dean reached for his brother and pulled him into a tight hug, the weight of Sam’s pulling both of them down into a somewhat kneeling position.

“Hey Sammy, it's okay, it's over.'' Dean murmured and Sam let out a single Dean-sounding sob. “I ki… I killed dad.” Sam whispered in horror.

“Yeah but you saved me, and Cas and Crowley, okay Sam, you did good kiddo.” Dean murmured and Sam clung to him for a few more minutes before finally coming back to himself. 

“God Dean are you okay?” Sam asked, wiping his tears embarrassed, but Dean just gave him a tender smile and ran his hand through Sam’s hair. 

“I’m fine Sam, you okay now?” Dean asked and gave him another hug, which Sam leaned into allowing himself to feel his brother’s comfort. Sam felt a wetness on his leg and reality came back into him. OMG he was sobbing against his brother who had also just shot their father and was tortured and fuck, Sam should be the one comforting Dean not the other way around. But Dean, his amazing big brother, didn’t even seem fazed that he was the one offering comfort to Sam. 

And Dean was alive, when Sam watched the light fade from Dean’s eyes, once again watching his brother die, Sam wanted to tear the world apart. He was so sick and tired of watching Dean die, and this time at the hands of their own father. It was too much but he didn’t get a chance to dwell on that before almost immediately Abaddon of all beings had shown up and then he found out that his father had made a deal with a demon to come back while the whole time he was treating Dean like shit because he was friends with monsters. 

After everything Sam had learned about his father in the last couple of days, he shouldn’t have been shocked at this, but he was, shocked and disgusted and heart sick because up until a few days ago his father hadn’t been a monster or a rapist or a child abuser, he had been his father and their relationship had been the best it had ever been. 

And Sam had shot him. 

Sam looked at Dean wondering how he was handling the fact that he had also shot John, but Dean’s face was only showing his concern for Sam. 

Sam let go and helped Dean up. 

“Break Crowley’s trap okay Sammy.” Dean murmured his voice sounding weak.

Sam nodded and went to break Crowley out while Dean went over to Cas. He watched as the angel and his brother finally able to touch melted into each other’s arms before Cas pulled back a bit and kissed Dean passionately. Sam saw all the wounds on his brother heal up without the angel ever breaking the kiss. Finally after enough time that it started to get uncomfortable, Crowley cleared his throat obnoxiously and they finally pulled apart and walked over to them with burning faces.

Unable to help himself Sam pulled Dean into another hug. Dean stiffened for a second and then hugged Sam back and Sam smiled when Dean opened his arm and pulled Cas in. The three hugged and then Dean moved slightly pushing Sam more in front of him and Sam felt Castiel’s arm reach around his back and then he glanced over looking at Crowley who was standing by himself a look of longing on his face he was unable to hide but then a shy smile emerged when Dean rolled his eyes and gestured him over. Crowley tried placing a put upon look on his face, but he couldn’t manage to hide the pleased look before his face was tucked against Dean’s neck and the four of them just stood there for a few seconds, taking comfort in each other and the fact that they, especially Dean, were alive. 

“You guys doing okay?” Dean asked in concern when they all finally let go. Everyone nodded or said yes.

Dean’s smile faltered when his gaze landed on John’s body and Crowley stepped in front of Dean blocking the view. “I’ll take care of it.” He said. “I need to go to hell for a bit now that Abaddon is dead.” Crowley added as he looked at Dean with a proud look on his face. “You did good Squirrel.” Crowley murmured and Dean gave Crowley a smile that didn’t reach his eyes. Crowley’s gaze flicked down to the Mark. “Are you okay?” He asked with concern. 

Dean nodded. “Yeah, I’m glad the Blade is locked away right now though.” Dean said as he squeezed his arm over the Mark, and Crowley nodded. 

“Gentleman.” Crowley said with a wave and then John’s body and the demon disappeared. 

Dean stared at the spot for a minute and then he looked up at Sam. “I’m sorry Sam, did you want to give him a hunter’s funeral?” 

Sam gaped at his brother in shock and just shook his head. Dean stared at Sam for a few minutes his eyes intense as he tried to figure out if Sam was really okay with not doing that and then nodded. Exhaustion fell like a curtain over Dean’s face and Sam watched as he sat down heavily in the chair. Cas was at his side practically plastered to him and started murmuring in Dean’s ear and stroking his hair. 

Smiling at the sight, Sam started to look around at where his father had just spent days torturing his brother. He walked around disgusted at the evidence of what John had done to Dean. Reaching the rear window Sam looked out at the backyard and gasped at the sight.

“Sammy?” Dean asked concerned. 

Sam turned shocked eyes to his brother. “Tell me he didn’t!” Sam demanded. 

Dean looked confused for a minute and then saw where Sam had been looking. 

“No he didn’t get a chance Sam, you came for me before.” Dean said. 

Sam nodded but he was still horrified and he felt the guilt at what he had done easing up after seeing the evidence of what a monster his father had become. 

Dean’s eyes landed on the bed and Sam frowned as a little worry crept in when Dean seemed to jerk a bit then his eyes hardened and his face closed up. Cas also gave Dean a worried look but then Dean plastered on a smile that once again didn’t reach his eyes.

The next few days were frustrating to say the least. Sam tried to approach Dean to talk about things but Dean only wanted to make sure Sam was okay and fussed over him like Sam was a little kid again. Sam could see that Cas was also getting frustrated as he watched helplessly as Dean pulled further and further away, closing himself off while wearing a smile and pretending everything was great. The only time Sam knew that Dean allowed Cas to comfort him was when he was sleeping and the angel would wrap himself around his brother and hold him close and Dean would snuggle unconsciously against his angel, but as soon as Dean woke up he would shoot out of bed and pretend it never happened. 

More often than not Dean would be zoned out and Sam and Cas both wished desperately to know what was going on in his head, but Dean would evade their questions and pretend to be okay. Same saw the slight hurt in the angel’s eyes that Dean was closing himself off, but more prominent was the ever growing concern. They both knew Dean was trying to hide his feelings and put on a happy face for them but it wasn’t healthy. 

Despite that Dean couldn’t seem to stop himself from obsessively taking care of them. Sam had never eaten so many meals that Dean either managed to cook in their suite of rooms with a built in kitchen or Dean ran out to get for him in such a short time. He would check Sam over, make sure he had enough sleep, force him to eat and he had even fluffed Sam’s pillows one night. 

And Sam wasn’t the only one, Cas was also inspected several times a day for injuries despite the fact that he was an angel, and Dean would ask him if he was alright, obsessively worried some side effect to the spells was going to creep up and kill Cas as soon as Dean relaxed. And if Cas left for any reason Dean would text him every 15 minutes or so to make sure he was okay.

It was so bad even Crowley didn’t escape Dean’s full on caretaker mode. Dean would text the demon several times a day to ask if he was okay or if he needed any help taking back control of hell. Once Crowley had apparently been in a meeting and hadn’t responded to Dean’s texts for a couple of hours. This resulted in Dean blowing up Crowley’s phone with texts and calls and just as Dean was trying to get Cas to bring Dean to hell to check on Crowley, the demon popped into the room with a scowl on his face and a raised brow causing Dean to blush at his overreaction. Crowley's face had softened though at the look of utter relief on Dean’s red face at seeing the demon was okay, and as far as Sam could tell Crowley answered his phone all the time now no matter what he was doing. 

Sam was distracted eating yet another home cooked meal by Dean trying to figure out a way to get Dean to open up and he didn’t quite get the food into his mouth and made a mess on his face. Sam chuckled and looked up to reach for a napkin only to back away in horror when Dean who had just moistened a napkin with his tongue was reaching forward to wipe Sam’s face like he was some 2 year old. 

“What the fuck Dean!” Sam yelled and backed away so fast the chair toppled over, and then he wanted to kick himself when Dean flinched and pulled away quickly, his eyes flashing in fear before his face and ears pinked up in embarrassment. 

Cas the traitor, having missed Dean’s flinch, was trying not to laugh but Sam was done. This had to stop. 

“Dean enough already with the mother henning!” Sam said starting out yelling but then softened his tone at the look on Dean’s face. “You need to talk to us. I get that you’re trying to take care of us, but come on man you need to let us take care of you too.” Sam pleaded but knew it wouldn’t be that easy and predictably Dean’s face closed up. 

“M’fine Sam.” Dean said and Sam scoffed and even Cas put a hand on Dean’s shoulder and said  _ Dean  _ in a low concerned tone. Dean looked at the angel with a slightly betrayed look but then went over and grabbed a beer.

After a long swallow Dean sat back down, took a deep breath, plastered on that fake smile Sam was beginning to hate and gestured at Sam. “Ok Sam, I’m sorry. I know what happened with dad at the cabin must have been really hard on you, and I’m sure you need to talk about your feelings. I”m listening, okay.” Dean said with an earnest look. 

Sam opened and closed his mouth a few times and looked at Cas for some help but the angel just shrugged at a loss at how to handle this. 

“Dean.” Sam said scooting his chair closer to Dean and leaning toward his brother. “Yes I have a lot of things I want to talk about, but I want to help  _ you _ , we want to help you.” Sam clarified with a quick glance at Cas. “You haven’t said anything about what happened in the cabin and I…” Sam started but Dean shot out the chair. 

“No Sam!” I understand you need to talk and you’re not okay but I’m fine”. Dean said getting a trapped look on his face. 

“You’re right Dean.” Sam said standing too knowing this wasn’t the best way to go about this but he was so frustrated he just plowed on. “I’m not okay.” Sam continued. “But neither are you.” Sam said. giving Dean full on puppy dog eyes. “And you need to talk Dean, I mean god, Dad kidnapped you and tortured you, and, and…” Sam could see Dean closing off more and more with each word that came out of his mouth but he was on a roll. “And he raped you Dean. You need to talk to us.” Sam entreated. 

Dean visibly flinched and Sam felt the knot in his stomach harden at doing that to his brother, but Dean just glared at Sam. 

“Sam I know you just found all this stuff out, but all that.” Dean said gesturing around widely with his arms and spilling some of his beer, “that was just another Tuesday.” Dean said and now Sam was the one to flinch but Dean just continued. “I don’t need to talk, or process or whatever hippie dippy stuff you want to do. 

I’m.

Fine!” 

Dean gritted out and before Sam or Cas could respond Dean grabbed the keys and a few seconds later Baby peeled out of the parking lot. 

“Fuck!” Sam swore. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers include references to rape and torture and poor coping skills (I mean its Dean so...). 
> 
> I was thinking about the hug scene after Mary kills Ketch when writing them all hugging just to give you a visual. 
> 
> Well that's it. See you all hopefully in a week or so. 
> 
> Thank you!


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I'm very sorry for making you wait two weeks for this chapter. I was stuck and basically finished writing it on Friday and have messed with it and changed it multiple times, but it's been 2 weeks since I last posted so I'm just going to go with what I have. I'm not completely happy with it, but it's nice and long. 
> 
> I had originally planned on John's death to be the last chapter and then going straight to the epilogue, but I had asked my then beta if I should add more chapters dealing with the aftermath and she agreed it was important. So basically I had nothing plotted in my head to write and it has taken a while to figure it out. 
> 
> Many thanks for the continued comments (sorry for the delay in responding to those too), and the story has passed the 600 kudos mark. I cannot express how happy that makes me. Thank you all so much. 
> 
> I will hopefully not make you wait this long for the next chapter as I do have it mostly written. I hope everyone is staying healthy. I should post before Thanksgiving but if not I hope you all have a great holiday. 
> 
> POV is a little wonky. This has not been beta'd and all mistakes are mine. 
> 
> Please see the end for triggers.

Dean was lying on top of the Impala staring at the stars but not really seeing them. His father's words kept repeating in his head. Dean tried to push them away because he was fine, but it didn’t stop John’s scorn.  _ Slut, whore, mine. _ Dean’s head spun. The look on Sam’s face when John revealed what a monster he was. His father’s smirk after Dean tried to bargain with Abaddon.  _ Going going gets tough and your first thought is to sell yourself.  _

Dean thought about John saying that Cas did exactly what he had planned because  _ Dean knows he’s not enough for people to fight for. _ And considering how everyone always left him, Dean couldn’t find a single argument against that statement and the hurt sliced right down to his soul. 

But the worst of his thoughts and nightmares was Dean seeing the gun firing and Cas getting hit by John’s bullet and then right after Crowley dropping down from a similar gun shot. And then Dean would see Cas being attacked by a horde of demons in hell while he just kneeled by Abaddon’s side unable to do anything to help. 

It was just a running loop of horror mixed with disgust at himself. He was so weak, he let himself be kidnapped by his father again, hell he let John walk around and abuse him ever since he came back and did nothing, said nothing. If Crowley hadn’t come by after Sam and John left, Dean would have gone begging to them to take him back just like his father had predicted because he was afraid to be alone. 

Dean thought about how much danger Cas had been in because of Dean with John almost killing him and then Abaddon and then John yet again. Sam being forced to face what their father was and everything John had done to his brother. And Crowley too had been pulled into Dean’s messed up life and despite his tricking Dean to get the Mark, the demon had really been there for Dean lately and this is how Dean repaid him. 

As if he heard Dean’s thoughts, Dean sat up when he felt a tingle on the Mark and looked up and saw Crowley pop in. Crowley raised a brow when he saw that Dean knew he was coming before he manifested. Dean shrugged and wiggled his arm. 

“Interesting” Crowley murmured. 

“What's up Crowley, you need something?” Dean asked, sitting up but staying on top of the car. 

“No I'm just checking in to see how you're doing.” Crowley said with a slightly cagey look in his eyes and Dean snorted not buying it. 

“Well hop on up if you want to talk.” Dean said having no intention of talking, but it was worth it to see the look of horror on Crowley’s face as he looked aghast at the car. 

“You want me to come up  _ on _ the car?” Crowley asked in disbelief. 

“Hey do what you want but I'm not talking to you standing down there.” Dean said with a smirk. 

Crowley rolled his eyes and popped out and then back in sitting on the trunk next to Dean looking extremely uncomfortable. 

Dean grinned and laid back and then stared at Crowley expectantly until he laid back too. 

“This is so undignified.” Crowley complained but Dean just chuckled. 

Crowley wiggled around a bit until he was lying right next to Dean, their shoulders, hips and thighs touching. If he was going to be forced to lie on the hood of a car like some hick then at least he should get to be touching Dean Crowley thought, and was pleased when Dean didn't move away. 

They stared at the sky for a few minutes before Dean spoke. “So who called you?”

Crowley considered lying but dismissed the idea just as quick. “Castiel.” Crowley replied. 

“Huh didn't see that one coming. What are you two bosom buddies now?” Dean asked. 

“Well I don't have the urge to pluck out all his wings and dip him in burning holy oil everytime I see him so…” Crowley said and smiled when Dean laughed softly. 

“Although the damn angel summoned me. Said he didn't have my number in his contact list.” Crowley said smiling when Dean threw back his head and laughed at that, his eyes caressing Dean's face amazed as always how beautiful he was especially in the moonlight with his eyes lit up with mirth. 

After their laughter puttered out silence descended again Crowley felt the tension start to rise. 

“Well as much as I enjoy lying on this hunk of hard cold metal I need a drink.” Crowley said and without giving Dean a chance to reply Crowley grabbed his arm and snapped them out. 

Dean found himself in a room right out of his dreams. It had a beautiful mahogany wood bar with soft letter stools. The back of the bar had a large mirror with glass shelves containing high end whiskeys and an open faced refrigerator with Dean’s favorite beers stocked in it. There was an L-shaped couch that even just looking at Dean knew would feel like a cloud if you sat on it. There was an 80 inch TV with surround sound and the rest of the room was separated by two carved wooden sliding doors that looked like they came straight out of a castle.

Crowley placed two glasses of Craig on the bar and Dean downed his, closing his eyes at the smooth slow burn that accompanied the whiskey. Dean opened his eyes to find Crowley giving him the stink eye. “What?” Dean asked perplexed. 

“That’s not some 4 dollar bottom shelf whiskey Squirrel. It’s made to be savored.” Crowley groused with a glare but he refilled Dean’s glass. Dean took a small sip and Crowley smiled in satisfaction. 

“Where are we?” Dean asked as he took another look around.

“One of my homes.” Crowley replied and took a seat on the stool next to Dean. 

Crowley cleared his throat a little nervous. “I have some of my best demons out looking for Cain.” Crowley said but Dean just shrugged.

“I think if he knew how to get rid of it he would have by now but thanks for the effort.” Dean said downing the whisky in one go again and giving Crowley a challenging look.

Crowley ignored him too consumed with guilt. “I really didn’t know.” Crowley said and Dean raised a brow in question reaching over the bar to grab the bottle and pouring himself another drink.

“About the Mark.” Crowley said and Dean snorted in disbelief. “I mean I thought it would make us more connected.” Crowley admitted his face a picture of guilt which was very disconcerting seeing that emotion on the demon’s face. “But Squirrel, I didn’t know you would turn into a demon with it.” Crowley finished. Dean stared at the demon intensely trying to discern the truth. “I wouldn’t have asked you to do that if I knew.” Crowley continued, desperate to have Dean believe him. Finally after a few more tense minutes Dean nodded and Crowley’s let out a huge sigh of relief. 

Downing his glass Dean shrugged. “It wouldn’t have mattered. I still would have taken it. It was the only way to kill Abaddon and considering what her plans were it was the right call.” Dean said and looked down at the Mark and grimaced. “I might have gotten more information before I took it but…” Dean added and shrugged again. “It’s fitting you know.” Dean said so soft it was almost a whisper. “I should have never left hell in the first place.” He added with a smirk at Crowley. 

Crowley opened his mouth to argue because if here was any one soul that didn’t belong in hell it was Dean Winchester’s, but Dean was done with the conversation and swiveled on his chair and pointed to the big wooden doors. “What’s over there.” Dean asked. 

Deciding to let that topic go for now. Crowley gave Dean a smug smile. “Oh I think you’re going to like this.” Crowley walked over and slid the doors open, his smile widening when he heard Dean gasp at the work of art in front of him which caused him to choke on the whiskey and spill a little of it on the bar.

Crowley rolled his eyes as Dean coughed and banged his chest a few times to catch his breath before he walked slowly toward the most gorgeous pool table he had ever seen. The pool table was a Queen Victoria Jubilee that Dean knew sold for around 1.5 million dollars and never in his wildest dreams did he ever think he would see one in person.

“Hey there sweetheart. Aren’t you just beautiful.” Dean cooed at the table as he approached it slowly. “You play pool?” Dean asked as his eyes caressed the table. 

Crowley didn’t bother to answer and laughed outright when Dean started to run his hands all along the smooth wood. 

“How long have you had this?” Dean asked with awe in his voice. 

“Recent acquisition.” Crowley said and Dean nodded as he made his way around the whole table stroking and murmuring to it like it was a beautiful woman.

“Careful Squirrel, you’re going to make that hunk of metal you call a car jealous with the way you're fondling my pool table.” Crowley snarked feeling an irrational flash of jealousy at the pool table. 

“Hmm hmm.” Dean murmured distractedly as he started to rack up the balls. 

Crowley took a moment to admire Dean’s ass as he leaned over the table to push the balls forward before he walked over and leaned on the table while Dean grabbed a pool cue. Crowley cleared his throat and held up the chalk with a smirk. 

“So spill, what’s going on with you Dean?” Crowley asked, serious now because despite his attempts to hide it Dean was clearly not okay. 

“Nothing.” Dean said too quickly. 

“Nothing, really?” Crowley said with a raised brow. 

“Yes really Crowley. Are we done talking about this?” Dean asked and with a strong stroke made an impressive break. 

Crowley rolled his eyes. “Don’t scam a scam artist darling. Daddy dearest is dead, you and feathers are bumping uglies again and Sam is back in the fold, and yet you’re sulking like you lost your knufflebunny.” Crowley said with a bit more force.

Now it was Dean who rolled his eyes but Crowley could see Dean started to shake a bit making him miss a ball. “Fuck!” Dean swore and glared at Crowley.

Crowley just glared back and after not moving Dean gestured to the table in agitation. “Well come on.” Dean said and when the demon still didn’t move Dean sighed loudly. “Crowley take your damn turn.” Dean demanded but Crowley ignored him.

“Never mind the game Dean, I want…” Crowley started to say.

“No!” Dean yelled his eyes wide and panicked. 

“Squirrel.”

“Crowley!” Dean said through gritted teeth gesturing again at the table. 

Frustrated now Crowley just spread his hand out and all his balls went zooming into pockets at the same time and then with a flick of a finger a hole opened up in the table and the eight ball dropped in and then the hole disappeared. 

Crowley looked at Dean who just gaped at him. “Did you just… Are you fucking kidding me!” Dean swore and Crowley grinned. 

“What the hell was that?” Dean yelled.

“I don’t play.” Crowley said with a shrug. 

“You don’t… you don’t play.” Dean repeated dumbfounded. 

“Enough Dean, come on spill. What’s going on with you?” Crowley said again.

Dean actually growled and started to rack the balls up again. “Don’t worry about it. It’s my problem and I’ll deal with it.” Dean spat out and then cursed to himself because he just admitted that there was a problem. 

“First,” Crowley said, grabbing a loose ball and rolling it along the table with his hand. Your problems, my problems, our problems, and second and most importantly you're not dealing with it.” Crowley said, almost crushing the ball in his frustration.

Dean’s face completely closed off and Crowley swore to himself. Dean’s whole body was trembling with emotion that he refused to let out and his eyes were suspiciously wet. 

“What are you so upset about?” Crowley demanded yanking the cue out of Dean’s hand and slamming it down on the table ignoring Dean’s outraged gasp at being so rough with the fucking pool table. 

“I’m..., it's.. None of your fucking business.” Dean finally got out curling up a bit and crossing his arms protectively across his chest. 

“We’ve been through that already. Now. Talk.” Crowley ordered. 

Dean ran his hands through his hair a few times and then rubbed the back of his neck. “I just… I just feel so dirty, and weak and guilty and you guys almost died for me and it was … it was all my fault and I just feel guilty as hell.” Dean finally said his voice full of anguish.

“Guilty! All your fault!” Crowley yelled furious. He stalked over to Dean and gave him a shove. “What in the bloody hell do you have to feel guilty about?” Crowley snarled out and then swore to himself as he could practically see Dean’s defenses building up. 

“Did you ask to be kidnapped?” Crowley asked and Dean just shook his head, his eyes wide but the stubborn look was firmly in place. 

“No but I should have stopped him instead you guys almost died.” Dean rationalized. 

“Oh  _ I’m sorry _ an Angel of the Freaking Lord and the King of Hell couldn’t stop him, but you should have been able to? Am I understanding that right?” Crowley growled out. 

“Of course not, but it doesn’t… “ Dean started to say but Crowley ignored him and pushed him harder.

“Did you intend to put us in danger? Did you know your father was planning on killing us all along?” Crowley said and the stubborn look finally started to leave Dean’s face. 

“No but… I let ... “ Dean tried again to explain as the shaking became worse and his eyes filled with tears. 

“You let him, really. Did you want your father to hurt you?” Crowley continued with another shove against Dean’s chest. But Crowley just kept pushing. “Did you ask to be constantly attacked and groped?” Another rough shove and Dean’s back hit the ball and his eyes widened even more. 

“No but…” Dean tried to answer but Crowley ignored him. 

“But what Dean! You trying to tell me you wanted him touching you?” Crowley demanded with another shove. And Dean’s face got red now with anger and Crowley saw him grab the Mark and squeeze. 

“Well! You trying to tell me you wanted to be raped over and over by that piece of garage and have a collar put on you?” Crowley yelled his eyes smoking red with his own rage as he shoved Dean against the wall again. 

Dean didn’t say anything but Crowley could see the fury building up.

“Come on Squirrel, what  _ is _ it. Did you enjoy it ha, did you not fight him!” Crowley said and that is what finally broke through. 

“Fuck you!” Dean screamed and pushed Crowley with a surprising burst of strength that sent Crowley back a few feet. 

“I did fight him.” Dean snarled. “And it was for nothing! It made no fucking difference.” Dean screamed and he picked up the pool cue. 

“I fought! I didn’t let him break me this time and it was so fucking hard, but in the end, IT. DIDN’T. MATTER! In the end I still gave in, I still offered myself to him and to Abaddon -- hell I actually begged him like the two bit whore he always said I was and, and… and…” Dean started to say but he completely lost control with the memories of his father torturing him and taunting him and using him over and over and Dean felt the rage sweep him away. He was so angry at himself for being so weak, at his father for hurting him so much, at the universe for always dumping on him, and rage and fury exploded out of him like a volcano and Dean snapped. He vaguely registered Crowley stepping back out of the way with a satisfied look on his face when Dean gripped the pool cue like a bat and went to slam it down on the pool table just barely stopping himself from hitting it. Snarling he turned around and slammed the shelf off the wall and then stepped up the bar.

“Fuck you John!” Dean screamed and then the sounds of crashing glass echoed through the small room as Dean went on a rampage. He smashed all the bottles, picked up the bar stools when the cue snapped and slammed it into the mirror behind the bar and into the bar. 

“I’m not weak!” Stools splinted, glass crunched between his feet as he stalked over to the TV and kicked it viciously over cracking the screen and then continued to kick it until his foot practically went through it. 

“I”m not a stupid.” He swept the movies off the shelf throwing some so hard at the wall they embedded themselves in the wall. 

“I’m not a slut.” He grabbed the leather cushions and tore until foam and fluff filled the air and Dean kept hitting and kicking the couch until 

“I didn’t tempt you!” Dean screamed but now his voice was full of pain and anguish instead of rage and fury. 

“I’m not…I’m… ” And with that Dean couldn’t speak anymore, sobs tore viciously from his throat and as tears were streaming down his face and with one last kick at the mangled couch he slowly sank to the floor, and buried his face in his hands, breathing heavy and trying to stop the sobs.

When Dean finally calmed down a bit he felt a warmth beside him and looked over, so weary he almost couldn’t turn his head. Crowley was sitting on the floor next to him. The demon didn’t say anything, he just sat there rubbing shoulders with Dean and handed Dean his handkerchief, which Dean took silently and wiped his face with it. 

Dean looked around the room. It was completely destroyed. It looked like a bulldozer had come through and demolished everything. Breath hitching Dean’s eyes flew to the pool table which was sitting undisturbed. Dean let out of a sigh of relief.

“God Crowley, I’m so sorry.” Dean said but the demon just waved a hand at him. 

“Do you feel better?” Crowley asked, totally nonplussed at the destruction of the room and Dean realized Crowley had pushed and pushed just to get Dean to finally let out his feelings. He wasn’t sure if he wanted to punch the demon in the face or hug him for forcing Dean to face himself so Dean didn’t say anything at first. He rested the back of his head against the wall and after a few seconds of thought he realized he actually did feel better. 

“Ah yeah I guess I do.” He admitted. “But man.” Dean looked around the destroyed room again and opened his mouth to say sorry again but then Crowley just snapped his fingers and the room was right back to the way it was before. Dean’s eyes widened and he looked at the demon and then let out a smile which Crowley happily returned.

They sat in a comfortable silence for a few more minutes. Dean was so exhausted and soon he found his head resting on the demon’s shoulder and he heard Crowley murmur something but darkness descended and Dean fell into a nightmare free sleep. 

When Dean woke up he was lying on the couch and yep it was definitely like lying on a cloud. He was covered with a blanket and music was playing softly in the background. 

Stretching and groaning in pleasure at the cracking of his back Dean sat up. Crowley sat next to him and silently handed him a large cup of coffee. Dean took several big sips sighing in pleasure.

“You good?” Crowley asked. 

Dean knew he still had a lot of stuff to work through but now that the damn was broken he did feel a little better. Dean nodded and sat back. He took another look around the room and smiled at the demon. “I know what you did here Crowley.” Dean said.

“Oh what’s that?” Crowley asked but his usual snark was replaced by a slight nervousness.

“This.” Dean said and gestured with his hand around the room, the pool table, the bar with all my favorites, the couch and TV with all my favorite movies.” Dean said.

Crowley actually blushed and Dean almost snorted but he didn’t want Crowley to think he was laughing at him. This more human Crowley was a good thing, and Dean didn’t want to change that by doing or saying something stupid. 

“You know, a wise man once told me family don’t end in blood, well it doesn’t start there either.” Dean said and now he did snort when Crowley raised his brows and looked perplexed by the abrupt change in topic. 

“Okay…” Crowley drawled out not understanding.

“The point is.” Dean said with a smile and a soft bump of his shoulder against Crowley’s. “You don’t have to bribe me with all this to spend time with you Crowley. you’re family. Okay.” Dean said with another bump and the demon gave a genuine smile. 

“Okay Squirrel.” Crowley said and then looked at Dean with a smirk. “So how about the next time you can take out your frustrations on some of the leftover Abaddon demons instead of on my house?” Crowley said with a wiggle of his eyebrows causing Dean to huff out a laugh. 

“Will do.” Dean said but felt a little sick at the thrill of blood lust that shot threw him at the thought of killing some demons. 

Crowley slapped his hands against his thighs and grabbed the coffee cup putting it down on the table. “Ok you have a very worried angel waiting for you.” Crowley said and the comfortable mood shattered and Dean tensed up because while he knew he wasn’t being fair to Cas and he needed to talk, but he wasn’t ready. He didn’t want to deal with what he knew would inevitably happen. 

“I don’t know.” Dean said torn between wanting to feel Cas’ arms around him or running far away. 

Crowley shook his head at Dean’s expression and before Dean could blink he found himself back in the hotel room. 

“Talk!” Crowley demanded and then snapped out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers include references to abuse, but nothing graphic, angst, angst and angst and some violence, but only to things. 
> 
> So over 3000 words of bromance here, it really got away from me a bit, but wasn't Crowley such a sweetheart forcing Dean to face his feelings? As you can tell the pool playing part was taken from Mother's Little Helper, and I was thinking about Dean taking the crowbar to the Impala in season 2 when I wrote him trashing the room.
> 
> Just a note, in this story Crowley really didn't know about Dean becoming a demon with the Mark and the consequences other than killing Abaddon and creating a bond with Dean. It's not an act here, he really does feel guilty.
> 
> Thank you for continuing with the story. Two chapters and the epilogue left.
> 
> Note: This was pointed out to me, and I realize I should have put something like this in earlier. I apologize. I am in no way a psychologist/psychiatrist or counselor of any kind. I felt the way Crowley pushed was typical of their relationship and my story's Dean's psych but in real life its always best to leave it to the professionals on how to deal with a trauma.


	38. Chapter 38

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I apologize for being so late with this chapter. It needed a lot of work and after the finale all my desire to write just went down the drain, but I managed to get it finished. I like it but as you all can probably tell my writing the last couple of chapters has suffered from not having a beta and I apologize for any mistakes or wonky POVs. 
> 
> So I hope you all had a good holiday. I will try very hard to not go longer than 2 weeks for the next chapter but its only half written so IDK. 
> 
> Thanks so much as always for kudos and comments. We are inching close to 700, which is awesome. 
> 
> Ok here we go. See end for notes but not too many triggers such angst and some SMUT! Hope you enjoy.

Castiel was in their room waiting for Dean to come back. He was sitting on a chair, his elbows on his knees and he kept twisting his hands together hoping he had done the right thing. He was just at a loss on what to do to help Dean. 

Dean and Crowley popped into the room a second later and Castiel startled in surprise. 

“What the hell man.” Dean complained but Crowley just shrugged. 

“Talk!” He ordered.

Dean just gaped at the empty space where Crowley had been standing in and raised both hands in a what the hell gesture. 

Castiel stood up not sure what to do. Dean sighed and looked at Castiel. 

“So you sicced Crowley on me, really Cas?” Dean asked but his tone was soft and not confrontational.

Castiel shrugged. “I did.” He replied. He wasn’t going to apologize. Dean didn’t seem to be able to or want to talk to him and Sam so Crowley seemed like a good option. He considered getting Benny but he hadn’t been in that cabin and Castiel figured he would be his backup plan. 

It made Castiel sad and he felt inadequate and guilty that Dean didn’t seem to be able to open up to him. He knew that even though Dean didn’t blame him for leaving he remembered the look on Dean’s face when John had said Castiel had done what he knew he would – that Dean wasn’t worth sticking around for because  _ Dean had believed it _ .

Cas was so disgusted with himself with how he handled that and how it just reinforced all the bullshit John had been feeding Dean to make him feel so worthless. 

Dean just nodded and ran his hand down his face. He looked a little better but he was obviously nervous and his eyes were also filled with fear, of what Castiel wasn’t sure but he hated seeing that look on Dean. 

“Dean?” Castiel said and Dean's eyes started to tear up.

Alarmed Castiel took a step closer. “Dean please, what’s going on?” 

Dean shook his head still not sure how to open up or if he even should but then Dean saw the look of concern and anxiety on Cas’ face and he walked over to the angel and pulled him into a hug. Cas immediately hugged Dean back, squeezing the air out of him but Dean still didn't say anything. Dean trembled a little bit because part of him felt like he had just come home but another more prevalent part of him worried this would be the last time he felt Cas’ arms around him and he allowed himself to enjoy it a little longer. Dean finally pulled back from the hug and looked into the ocean of blue. “I'm sorry I took off on you guys.” Dean said. 

Cas nodded. “I know things have been really hard lately Dean but I, we, just want to help you.” 

“I know it’s just, I feel…” Dean hesitated trying to find the words. “What happened with my dad, what my dad almost did to you. It was… my fault.” Dean said.

At the same time Cas said “not your fault.”

Dean snorted but his eyes were full of pain and Cas' eyebrows shot up in surprise and  confusion. “Dean how was any of that your fault?” 

“Because.” Dean said and he began to pace in agitation. “I… He always.. and I…” Dean rambled and then took a deep breath when the angel just cocked his head in confusion. “Okay so I know this is illogical but I can’t get past it.”

Cas nodded waiting for Dean to continue. 

“You know John always warned me about what would happen if I told. He drilled it into me  in so many ways Dean said with a shudder as fear flashed in his eyes at the memories. It was the golden rule you know and just the thought of asking for help terrified me. And the one time I left and was going to Bobby for help, that was the first time he took me to some secluded cabin to be trained and I never and I mean  _ never  _ thought about telling or leaving or anything again. And then, I was going to tell you and, and…” A sob slipped out before Dean could get a hold of his emotions and Cas’ eyes softened. 

“Oh Dean, it wasn't your fault.” Cas said in a soft tone. 

Dean felt hopeless anger fill him.  _ Why wouldn't anyone understand?  _ “ Dean screamed inside his head in frustration and he tugged on his hair. "Cas it was my fault. He did all that because I fought him and defied him and I put your life in danger just wanting you, and then, and then well..” Dean spat out his disgust in himself clear. Then I was going to tell you! I mean just minutes before John came and blasted you away and then, then you had to do a crazy dangerous spell to find me, he trapped you and you almost died several times. And I know it’s not logical and it’s stupid, but I just… and then on top of all that, there’s also the fact that I tricked you!” Dean finished in a huff and then he paled at the admission. 

“Tricked me?” Castiel asked, tilting his head. “I don't understand.” 

“Yes Cas, tricked you!” Dean yelled gesturing wildly. “I started this with you, took the final step and the whole time I didn't let you know what I was.” Dean finished, the last part coming out as an agonized whisper. 

“What you are? Dean I don't understand.” Cas repeated, his tone hard due to his frustration and Dean flinched. Castiel froze. “Dean?” 

“I'm sorry.” Dean said. I didn't mean, I know you… I just….” Dean took another breath and pinched his nose between his fingers before looking up into Cas’ eyes. “I was so selfish because I love you more than anything, but I'm tainted Cas, dirty and I'm just a who..." Dean tried to explained but Cas cut him off. 

"Don't Dean, do not say that about yourself." Cas demanded wishing yet again he could tear John apart himself. 

Dean just gave him a sad smile. "Yeah ok Cas. What I'm trying to say here is just that I'm sorry, I'm just really sorry Cas.” Dean said and he couldn't hold the flood of emotion back anymore and he started to cry. 

Dean felt warm arms surround him. “First, I know you have a hard time believing me after everything John has done to you, but your not tainted or a whatever negative thing you he tried to make you believe. John was wrong!" Cas said emphatically. "Second and most important, I love you too Dean. You are beautiful and special, and you're entitled to have some happiness. You always put everyone first and make sure everyone is happy and have what they need but you deserve that too, probably more than anyone.” Cas said. 

“Yeah right.” Dean sniffed pulling away and trying to wipe his face.

Cas' eyes narrowed with a dangerous glint. “Yes Dean you deserve to be happy.” 

When Dean didn't respond but just kept staring at the floor wiping at his tears, Cas' grace screamed in distress. He knew John conditioned Dean to think and feel he was worthless and Cas vowed that no matter what direction their relationship went he would do whatever it took for Dean to see how other people saw him. 

“Cas.” Dean said and he hunched over a bit wrapping his arms around himself looking like he was preparing himself to be hurt. 

“Dean?” Cas asked yet again feeling very unsure. Human emotions were still pretty new to him and he just wasn’t sure how to navigate around this mind field that was Dean’s brain.

“Look Cas, I understand if you want to leave or you know go back to just being friends.” Dean finally said and his eyes briefly touched Cas’ before flickering around the room but that brief glimpse expressed so much fear and, Cas’ vessel’s stomach twisted at the other more predominant emotion, resignation.

“Dean.” Cas said and he took a step toward Dean but Dean put a hand out in front of him in a stop gesture. “Is that what you want?” Cas asked, his earlier worries coming back.

“No!” Dean shouted quickly before blushing a bit at his outburst. Dean shook his head. “No Cas but a lot has happened.” 

“It has.” Cas agreed and took a step closer and Cas was thrilled Dean let him this time. 

“Between the lies, and my dad, and the Mark, I mean I told you what Death said was going to happen to me and it’s too much, you’d be better off without me, and, and I get it. It’s okay.” Dean said once again ending in a heartbroken whisper broadcasting clearly that it wasn’t okay.

“Dean listen to me.” Cas said forcefully and Dean finally looked up and their eyes met. “We’ll figure out the Mark and anything else. I love you and you love me, and I’m not giving up on you.” Cas said with conviction and he closed the remaining distance between the two of them and kissed Dean.

Dean returned the kiss and then pulled back. “But what about…?” Dean started to say but Cas just shook his head and kissed him again. 

“Doesn’t matter.” The angel murmured against Dean’s lips. 

They sat on the bed and made out like teenagers. Then Dean told Cas about what happened with Crowley and when Cas told Dean he was proud of him for letting his emotions out Dean couldn’t stop the blush that turned his ears pink. “Yeah okay whatever.” Dean mumbled and the angel laughed. 

Dean didn’t want this feeling to ever end but there was one more thing they had to deal with before they could truly move forward. Dean sat up with a determined look on his face. 

“Dean?” Cas asked confused at the sudden shift in Dean’s mood. 

“Cas, I want you to help me remember that night.” Dean said.

Cas’ eyes narrowed. “Dean, I know your father set us up. Why do we have to…?”

“He did.” Dean said cutting off Cas’ denials because he really felt this needed to be put behind them. “Cas I don’t want this to always be something between us. A small part of both of us will always be wondering was it my dad or was it some stranger that I slept with. I really think we need to know what happened in order to get past it.” Dean explained, and his voice trembled a bit with nerves. 

“Are you sure?” Cas asked and Dean took a deep breath and then nodded. Cas put two fingers to Dean's head and they were both thrust into the memory. Parts were fuzzy since Dean was under the influence of the drugs when the memories occurred but the part where Sam, John and Dean were arguing and then Sam held Dean while John drugged him was clear and then they saw John using Dean's mouth and then handcuffing and raping Dean. With a loud gasp they popped out of the memory. 

“Well I guess…” Dean started to say but Castiel was off the bed and throwing up the door to the adjoining room before Dean could finish. 

“What the hell!” Dean swore and jumped up. He ran into the room to find Cas had Sam slammed up against the wall with an arm against his throat. Sam was looking at the angel with wide shocked eyes. 

“How could you!” Cas roared and pressed his arm into Sam harder. 

“What the fuck Cas! Let me go!” Sam yelled. 

“How could you do that to your brother?” Cas demanded again. 

“Cas come on let him go.” Dean urged trying to pull the angel back but he didn't budge, his furious gaze never leaving Sam. 

Sam turned to Dean. “What's going on?” 

“Cas come on baby please, John manipulated him, it’s not his fault.” Dean entreated and finally got through to the angel who let Sam go but still looked pissed. 

“Cas helped me remember that night.” Dean explained to Sam whose eyes widened. 

“You remembered who you slept with?” Sam asked and Dean flinched and looked down. Cas growled but stepped closer to Dean and pulled him into his arms. 

After a few seconds of silence Sam's face crumbled. “It was dad wasn't it?” Sam asked but he already knew the answer. “Dean, I'm so sorry. I…” Sam didn't know what to say. He helped his father rape his brother by drugging him, what was Sam supposed to say to that? 

Dean wiped a tear from his face and gave Sam a soft smile. “It’s okay Sam you didn't know.” 

“But I...” Sam started. 

“It's not okay!” Cas snarled and then stomped out of the room. 

Dean just shook his head at Sam and patted his shoulder. “He'll be fine, just give him a little time.” Dean said and Sam looking guilty and upset nodded. 

Dean started to walk out of the room but turned back to his brother. “It's really okay

Sam.” Dean said trying to ease Sam's pain once again ignoring his own emotions. 

“Dean please don't… I screwed up and, and it’s not okay. I'm sorry.” Sam said earnestly and Dean just nodded before going back into their room. 

Castiel was furious at Sam but deep down it was more that he was angry at himself. Yeah Sam helped John drug Dean but he hadn't known what John was going to do or even that John was capable of that. No Cas was mad at himself because Dean had suffered through that only to have Cas beat him up and leave. 

“Cas, baby, it's okay.” Dean murmured coming up behind the angel and wrapping his arms around him. 

“Dean, it’s… I know… I'm sorry.” Cas finally got out. 

Dean stiffened probably remembering the same thing as Cas but then he relaxed and turned the angel around, kissing him softly on the mouth. “Baby it’s really okay.” 

“Dean! What did we just talk about, you're doing the same thing, pushing it aside, pretending your feelings don’t matter but they do. I hurt you and…” Cas snarled out still furious with himself. 

“And you had a perfectly normal, well okay maybe not quite that normal, response to thinking I cheated.” Dean finished trying to sound like it didn't matter but his eyes were wet and he had slight tremors running through him. 

Cas hugged him tight. “I've made so many mistakes Dean.” Cas said and Dean snorted. 

“We all have, but I don't want to dwell on what John did anymore. Yeah it hurt Cas, I'm not going to lie, I felt alone and betrayed that you didn't trust me but it’s in the past.” Dean said. 

“But Dean, what your father said about me not sticking around.” Cas continued and his grace screamed at the look on Dean's face. 

“Well he wasn't wrong Cas.” Dean said softly as a tear slid down his cheek. “It doesn't matter though, all that matters is you're here with me now.” Dean added hastily wiping at the tear and looking back up at Cas. 

Cas' didn't feel any better, in fact he felt worse, but he knew this was not something just words would fix, it would take time to prove himself to Dean again. And Dean was once again pushing his feelings aside to make everyone else feel better. It was so frustrating and he knew he needed to really make Dean understand. Cas' eyes lit up and Dean's brows furrowed. 

“Should I be nervous, you look like you're up to something.” Dean said his eyes searching Cas face for a hint at what he was thinking. 

Cas smirked and then got serious. “Dean.” Cas said heavy with emotion. 

Dean’s eyes widened a bit and his stomach fluttered with nerves. Cas looked so damn serious right then. “Cas baby I think we’ve had enough chick flick moments for now.” Dean said warily not sure he wanted to deal with another emotional roller coaster right now.

“I think you can handle one more.” Cas said with another smirk and Dean’s stomach fluttered in anticipation. 

The air in the room suddenly felt alive and Dean’s skin almost tingled with the feelings that were pouring off the angel and all Dean could do was nod he was so caught up in the swell of emotion and the look of such intensity in the angel’s eyes. 

The angel stalked over to Dean and Dean backed up hitting the wall and Cas kept coming until they were pressed against each other. Caught up in Cas’ gaze Dean couldn’t look away and then his angel started to talk. 

“Dean, My Everything, you are the most caring man on Earth. You are the most selfless, loving human being I will ever know. Ever since we met when I pulled you out of hell, knowing you has changed me. Because you cared, I cared. I cared about you. I cared about Sam. I cared about the whole world because of you. You changed me, Dean. So please believe me when I say this. 

I. Love. You. 

I love you Dean Winchester with every cell in this vessel and with every molecule of my grace. You are truly My Everything, and I will never leave you again.” Cas vowed. 

Dean stared at Cas in awe as the words twined themselves around his entire being and as he stared into the ocean of blue Dean believed that Cas meant it and maybe things will go to shit as they always seemed to do in Dean’s life but for now he could either choose to believe and be happy, whether it be for a short time or for eternity, or he could let his father, Alistair and everyone else who beat him down and taught him that he didn’t deserve anything good win. 

Death had told Dean he could be selfish and Cas had said the same thing and Dean decided the leap of faith was worth it. So screw it, Dean was going to embrace anything and everything that his angel was offering him and hope that he would be able to give Cas enough back in return. 

Dean wrapped Castiel in his arms and their lips met and Dean literally saw fireworks as he poured his feelings into the kiss and he felt Cas respond in the same way and they melted into each other. 

Cas moved his perfect lips down to Dean’s neck and he moaned as the angel started to suck at his pulse point. Dean closed his eyes and reveled in the sensations the angel was bringing up in him, caught in a wave that was indescribable. Cas paused and Dean opened his eyes. 

Cas was staring at him and Dean could feel the angel's gaze straight through to his  soul. “Is this okay Dean?” Cas asked gently completely at odds with the fire burning in the angel's eyes. 

Dean knew he was making sure this wasn’t bringing up memories of John and weirdly it wasn't. It was like whatever profound bond Cas always said they had had been ramped up since they made love the first time and all Dean felt was his angel. He felt safe, incredibly turned on, but safe and like something unworldly was pushing inside him.

“Cas, what is this?” Dean asked and thankfully Cas knew what he meant because he would have been hard pressed to explain what he was feeling. 

“It's our bond Dean. It was awakened when we were together but then things happened before we got to really "feel" it.” Cas explained and Dean grinned at the angel's use of the air quotes. 

“Oh okay.” Dean said, waiting for the internal freak out but it didn't happen and Dean sighed in pleasure when Cas leaned in and started to kiss Dean again. The kiss started gentle but soon turned passionate and Dean wanted to crawl inside the angel and never let go. It was mind-blowing and Dean grinned when the lights flickered. 

Dean broke the kiss and started to pull Cas’ trench coat off, but Cas just growled and put his hands underneath Dean's thighs and hoisted Dean up against the wall. In the second it took the angel to do that, all of their clothes disappeared and Dean moaned again at the feel of the angel's skin against his. The fact that Cas didn't seem affected by Dean's weight at all was a huge turn on to Dean and he yanked at the hair on the back of Cas head and deepened the kiss. 

Finally having to come up for air Dean threw his head back in ecstasy as he felt Cas slide  into him once again using grace to open Dean up. The uniquely Cas way of prepping him made it easy for Dean's mind to bypass any negative thoughts about John and all he felt was pleasure. Cas thrust inside him and Dean looked into Cas' eyes. Green met blue and Dean was lost in the sensations as his soul once again called out to Cas' grace. He felt them intertwine and Dean felt another push against his mind. Dean's eyes flew open but Cas just  smiled. “It's just me.” Cas murmured, kissing Dean again. “Please let me in My Everything. Trust me.” 

Dean thinks he nodded but he's not sure, but he forced his mind to relax and welcome the push and Dean's mind lit up with a bright white light when he felt their bond connect and deepen and the sensations and all the feelings flooding through were overwhelming. Dean could feel all of Cas' love for him, how he saw Dean, how he felt about him and Dean knew no matter what happened with the Mark or whatever life threw at them he would always have his angel. 

Once again blue and green collided and Dean focused on how he felt about Castiel and pushed it back to Cas and the angel gasped and the lights flickered again as he felt Dean’s feelings for him. Then they were kissing and Cas was thrusting faster and faster and Dean's whole body, mind and most especially his soul were awash with sensation after sensation until they both exploded and all the lights in the motel and streets went dark. 

Snuggled up against Cas after a very pleasurable shower where Cas proved that it wasn't really complicated Dean grinned against the angel's chest. 

“Dean?” Cas asked.

“You blew out the lights again?” Dean said with a smile.

Cas chuckled and Dean could feel him shrug. 

“I did.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers include Dean remembering what John did when he drugged him, Cas confronting Sam about it and just angst. 
> 
> And yes I shamelessly borrowed parts of Cas' speech from episode 18. It fit though so...
> 
> I had a bunch of spacing issues with this chapter but I think I caught them all. 
> 
> Thank you! I will try very hard to get the next chapter done soon.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone, I am so so sorry for the long wait. This chapter was so hard. I had written a similar talk and I had a really hard time separating the two and coming at it from a different angle. So worst case of writer's block ever! I actually had to pull my beta the wonderful AnotherWorld3111 out of her break to help me fix it, so thank you again AnotherWorld311 for all the help. When I finally got motivated to finish I felt bad for making you wait and since I added on 4 extra chapters I decided to get more art, and the very talented MidnightSilver was gracious enough to work around the holidays, so I hope you enjoy the surprise. 
> 
> The last two chapters are written and one is completely edited. As soon as the last picture (yes we have another one coming) is done I will post. I'm still on the fence about whether to do two epilogues or just make the first one a chapter. 
> 
> As always thank you for the kudos and comments. Special thanks to sleepyvixen and Tak for checking on me during my absence. I sincerely appreciated that. 
> 
> See end for triggers. I hope everyone has a good holiday and stay safe and healthy!
> 
> Here is the link again to the art post on Tumblr. [MidnightSilver](https://midnightsilver.tumblr.com/)

Dean woke up and stretched. Cas wasn’t there, but he remembered the angel muttering about checking in at the local hospital and then getting Dean food and coffee, so after the initial panic at waking up alone, Dean relaxed. He went next door to check on Sam and promptly froze at the empty hotel room. 

Dean’s heart started to beat rapidly, and his breathing became labored. “No.  _ Please _ , no.” Dean muttered to himself. He should have come back in here and talked to Sam, but now he left — he left Dean again, and Dean wasn’t sure he could handle it. 

He gripped the back of a chair to keep himself upright as tears welled up in his eyes. Just as his panic was about to be a full blown attack, the door opened and Sam shuffled in, still half asleep. He froze when he saw the state Dean was in and quickly went over to his brother, grabbing onto his arm. 

“Dean, what happened? Are you alright?” Sam asked, anxiously looking around the room for anything that might’ve triggered his brother.

“Sammy,” Dean stuttered out, his eyes still wide and panicked and he struggled to take in a full breath. 

“Where’s Cas?'' Sam said. He mentally swore he would hunt that angel down if he’d left his brother again.

Dean just shook his head. He could guess Sam’s thoughts. 

To Sam’s surprise, he was pulled into a tight hug. 

After a second, Sam wrapped his long arms around his brother. “Dean, c’mon man, you’re scaring me, what’s going on?” Sam asked.

Dean chuckled a bit and let Sam go. He rubbed the back of his neck, which Sam knew Dean did when he was embarrassed, and sure enough, Dean’s ears were pink. 

“Dean?” Sam prompted.

“I… um… I thought,” to Sam’s horror, Dean’s eyes filled up again, “I thought you left.” Dean managed to get out.

Sam froze. “Oh, Dean, no! I was sleeping in the car.” Sam explained. He felt a warmth go through him at the stark relief that became immediately apparent on Dean’s face. 

Sam knew Dean had Cas now… and Crowley… and fucking Benny, and even Death. And truthfully, Sam  _ had _ wondered if he should leave… but he didn’t want to. He had a lot to make up to Dean for, so he planned to stick to his brother like glue. 

“Oh... okay, good. Sorry,” Dean said. He rubbed his neck again. “I guess I overreacted,” Dean murmured.

“No, I get it,” he reassured, “but, Dean.” Sam's tone grew more serious, unwittingly going lower. Dean’s eyes jerked up to meet Sam’s, fear quickly filling them up again, and Sam inwardly cursed. God, his brother was so fragile right now, he really needed to keep that in mind. 

“Dean, I’m never going to leave again, okay?” Sam vowed. Dean looked at him with hope, but doubt and fear still lingered in his eyes, and frankly, Sam did deserve that. “I know I’ve said that before. All I can really do is show you that I’m not going to leave unless you tell me to, and even then, I’ll bug you until you take me back,” Sam added with a grin.

Dean snorted. Some of the tension in the room disappeared, but there was still an awkward feeling in the air. 

After a few minutes of neither brother saying anything and Dean looking more and more uncomfortable, Sam flopped down on the chair and looked expectantly at Dean, willing to let Dean say whatever he needed to at his own pace.

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose and then sat down as well. 

“So…” Dean started, and then cleared his throat. “I guess we need to talk.” Dean said, his tone shifting the statement into a slight question by the last word. 

Sam’s heart started to pound. “Uh, yeah, I mean. I really… You know. If you’re ready.” Sam bit his tongue, trying to refrain from stuttering and rambling, but he smiled a little when Dean rolled his eyes, catching on anyway. 

“Don’t hurt yourself.” Dean said absently, a faint snicker gracing his lips before it quickly faded away as he grew serious. “I’m sorry I’ve been avoiding this, I was just trying to put off…” Dean waved his hand toward the door with a sheepish smile. 

Sam frowned, confused. “What?” 

“I just figured you were just sticking around to talk and get some answers and then were going to take off.” Dean admitted. 

Sam’s mouth dropped open in shock.  _ Oh, wow _ . Despite the relief he’d noticed in Dean’s face when he realized Sam hadn’t left, he didn’t expect it to have been the reason behind Dean avoiding talking about things. They hadn’t been together when Dean had been taken — in fact, Dean had said he wasn't coming back, but the panic that so quickly and completely engulfed Dean when he came into an empty room drove in how Dean didn’t want him to leave again.

“Dean, I said I’m—” 

Dean waved his hand, cutting Sam off. “I know, I know. I mean, I know  _ now _ .” Dean said with a small smile. 

Sam nodded. He looked at Dean, waiting for him to go on.

Dean looked at him expectantly in return. 

“Sam—”

“Dean—”

They halted as they spoke at once, before starting again. 

“You go ahead.”

They said together at the same time. A second paused before Dean rolled his eyes with amusement, Sam grinning widely at himself.

Dean just waved his hand at Sam, indicating for him to go first.

Sam’s smile slid off as it was replaced with a somber, almost pained look on his face.

“Why did you never tell me? I mean, how could you keep something that big from me, Dean?” Sam asked, unwillingly letting slip the mix of hurt and anger in his voice.

Dean flinched a bit. “Wow, going right for it, huh?” Dean murmured. 

Sam didn’t say anything, not allowing Dean to disregard his question in any way. He just kept his eyes focused intently on Dean’s face. “You were just a kid, Sam.” Dean said softly.

“And so were you,'' Sam countered.

“I was never a kid.'' Dean shot back a little harshly, and now it was Sam who flinched.

Unsure how to respond to that, Sam opened and closed his mouth a few times, and then huffed out a frustrated breath when he couldn’t come up with anything.

“Look, man, I never wanted you to know.” Dean explained.

“But—”

Dean waved him silent. “No, Sam. I’m sorry if you feel betrayed because I hid all that from you, but my job is, and has always been, to protect you. So, yeah, I never wanted you to know. What dad—” choking, Dean faltered. “What  _ John _ did was...” Dean paused, the look in his eyes becoming haunted. “Was really awful,” he finished, voice hushed. “And you were never supposed to know, and I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Dean said as he looked up at Sam. 

Sam nodded. “I know. You have nothing to be sorry for, Dean. But — you still could have told me.” Sam said. 

Dean pinched the bridge of his nose and chuckled darkly. “You know, the one thing Dad and I agreed on was protecting you. And, yeah, he threatened and beat it into me to never tell, so I didn’t, but I still would have kept it from you. I never wanted that darkness to touch you, Sammy. Our lives were so fucked up as it was and I really tried to give you as much normal as I could. So if you’re looking for apologies because of  _ that _ or whatever — for-for keeping you in the dark? You’re not going to get them. You were my responsibility and it was my job to protect you,” Dean said with finality. He looked up at Sam, nervously hoping he would just accept that and let it go. 

“I get that, Dean. Do I like it? No, you gotta know I don’t, but why didn’t you say anything— if not to me, then someone else and get help or, hell, I don’t know — fight back?” Sam asked. 

Dean full on flinched this time. “I couldn't,” Dean choked out. 

Sam was silent for too long, and that was all the warning Dean got before Sam asked him a question he wasn’t exactly expecting. “What did he whisper to you Dean?'' Sam asked. 

“What do you mean?” Dean asked cautiously, praying he understood wrong, that Sam meant something else, anything else… 

“At the cabin.” Sam said. Before Dean could say anything, Sam held up a hand. “I know you don’t want to talk about what happened there before we found you, but you were fighting him and then he threatened me and whispered something to you. What did he say?” Sam asked more firmly, tone brooking no space for arguments. 

Dean’s eyes got wide and a little wild as he shook his head. “It doesn’t matter.” 

“Dean…” Sam cautioned. 

“It doesn’t matter, Sammy.” Dean reiterated. He bolted out of his chair again and began to pace. “All that matters is that I believed him. I’m stupid, and weak, and an idiot, okay? I know that, but the risk…” Dean stopped pacing and looked at Sam with wide open eyes, silently pleading.

“Was too high?” Sam finished for him in a softer tone, comprehension shining in his eyes. He knew, without Dean saying anything, that John had threatened Sam in some creative way. 

Dean sat back down. “Sam, you're my brother and I love you. I just couldn’t…” Dean hesitated, looking nervous and a little scared.

“Lose me.” Sam finished again, this time with a smile, because he knew what Dean was talking about. Dean was the one who had raised Sam, not John. Dean was his brother, father, mother, and best friend all rolled into one. Of course Dean wasn’t going to do anything that could have even the chance that they would be separated. 

“So, yeah, I could put up with anything, Sammy,  _ anything _ to not have you taken away from me. All that matters — all that's ever mattered — was that we’re together.

“It was-it was bad, Sam,” Dean admitted. “I was always so afraid and hurt all the time, and I …” Dean stopped. Ultimately, he wasn’t sure he knew how to explain to Sam how —  _ why  _ — he let himself be controlled like that.

“Believed him,” Sam finished for him again, however. His heart was pounding and his stomach was twisting just imagining what that must have been like for Dean as a kid, and even as an adult to be hurt so much by the person who was supposed to take care of him, while having to take care of a child — when Dean himself was just a child…

Sam thought about how blind he had been and how he had taken advantage of Dean, always expecting him to be there, to bail him out, to never leave no matter how much Sam walked away. But things were different now. Dean had a whole other family, and Sam needed to start showing his brother how much he loved and appreciated him, because while he knew, deep down, Dean would never truly leave him, things wouldn’t ever be the same. 

They sat in silence, both lost in their own thoughts for a few minutes. “I tried once, you know.” Dean confessed out of nowhere.

“What?” 

“I tried to leave once. It, ah. Needless to say, it didn’t end well.” Dean said, trying to repress a shudder by letting out a faint chuckle, but the way he side eyed Sam was enough of a tell.

“What do you mean?” Sam asked softly. 

“I mean, dad bringing me to a cabin to train me? That wasn’t a one time deal.” Dean said. 

“Oh my god, Dean.” Sam breathed out, disbelieving. Anger slowly built within him before it exploded suddenly, forcing Sam to stand up and ball his fists as he looked for something, anything to punch. “That fucking bastard!” If John wasn’t dead already...

“Okay, Sam, calm down.” It was the way Dean flinched and remained tense, more than his actual words, that had Sam managing to bring himself under control and sit down. 

“When did it start? How — I mean, why? I just don’t understand…” Sam stammered, there were too many questions flooding his brain at once. After another few moments of silence, Sam cleared his throat. “Ever since dad came back, he would make snide comments about you,” Sam said, “and I caught him tearing the room up after you left, but I never imagined — I mean, I wondered, with the demon.”

“Yeah, Drake, that bastard,” Dean said with a smirk, but Sam noticed that he started to tremble slightly. 

“Yeah, what he said, and Benny attacking dad, and then I started to have dreams — or memories I guess. And even then I couldn’t believe it, it was just too awful to…” Sam started to say but then he started to cry. Dean… I.. Sam tried to go on, but he was too choked up. It was just a horrible nightmare, to think that all of  _ that _ happened, and he was oblivious. Sam still hadn’t figured out how to deal with it, to say the least.

“Fuck, Sam, I’m so sorry!” Dean said vehemently. And then he abruptly stood, startling Sam. Sam flinched, however, when Dean began to punch the wall. “Fuck, fuck,  _ fuck _ !” Dean yelled. Before he could put his fist through the wall again, Sam grabbed his arm.

“Dean, stop!” Sam had to use more force than expected, practically hugging his brother to pull him away from the wall. Dean’s whole body was shaking even as he continued to struggle in Sam’s arms for a moment, but then he turned around and grabbed onto Sam, squeezing tight. Sam froze, unsure what was happening. He felt Dean stiffen and start to pull away.

“I’m sorry,” Dean said, and he sounded so…  _ ashamed,  _ that it snapped Sam out of his shock.

“No, Dean, it’s okay.” Sam tried to reach for his brother again, but Dean jumped away from his reach. 

“It’s not okay!” His mood was rapidly swinging from ashamed to furious again, and Sam didn’t know  _ what to do. _

“I’m so fucking sorry, Sam. All our lives, I kept this from you, and it’s all my fault. If I didn’t, then you wouldn’t… and everyone—And Cas— ”

“Dean,” Sam said gently. His brother looked up at him, eyes wide with tears and body still trembling with emotion. “It wasn’t your fault,” Sam said firmly. 

“Yes, it was, Sam. I was so fucking selfish,” Dean snapped back as he sunk into the chair, yanking at his hair. 

“Selfish?” Sam repeated. He was shocked; of all the things he thought Dean would say, that wasn’t it.

Dean’s head jerked into a barely conceivable nod. “You must hate me.” Tears continued to fall down his face. “When dad came back, if I would have just fallen in line like I did before, then none of this would have happened. Cas and Crowley wouldn’t have been almost killed, you wouldn’t have to deal with knowing all this shit, and Christ, Sam, dad was going to mess with your head for fuck’s sake!” Dean ranted. 

“And, what, you were just supposed to suffer in silence again and give up Cas and everyone in your life? Would that really have been better, Dean?” Sam snarled, really upset, because how could Dean even consider that it would be okay for him to be hurt just so Sam didn’t have to find out what a bastard their father really was?

And then like a bucket of ice water was dropped on him, Sam realized that this was exactly what Dean had been doing all their lives. 

“Yes — I mean, no. I don’t know!” Dean said, throwing his hands up in frustration. And then all the anger drained out of him. “I just never wanted you to know, Sam,” Dean finished, his voice barely a whisper as he hugged himself. 

“Dean.” 

Dean just shook his head, keeping his eyes on the floor. “Sam… god, what you must think of me now.” The words were spoken so softly, Sam almost missed them, but he didn’t, and so he could still hear how they were full of hurt and anguish. 

“Dean, please, look at me,” Sam coaxed. His breath caught when Dean looked up at him, his eyes haunted and full of guilt. Sam wanted nothing more than to bring John back again just to shoot him in the face this time. “Dean, stop. Dad was the only one at fault here, not you.” 

Dean just nodded wordlessly. Logically, he knew it was all John’s fault, but in his heart, Dean still felt like he could have handled things better, could have done something differently, and then Sam wouldn’t have had to see what a monster their father was. Dean knew he couldn’t get away from the fact that Sam was going to have a lot of more questions. It was just how Sam processed things. But Dean knew he wouldn’t be able to talk about everything John had put him through, especially… especially about the cabin. Dean wasn’t sure why it seemed to bother him so much more now than it did when he was a kid. Maybe because John had never gone so far before, because Dean had always fallen in line.

Dean wasn’t sure, and he needed to figure out how to give Sam the answers he needed without exposing him to more of the horror that was the true John Winchester. 

Dean snapped out of his thoughts when Sam called his name again.

“Dean, I don’t blame you, okay? So, stop with the self recriminations,” Sam said. “And… we don’t have to talk today, you know. We can always continue this later.” 

“No, it’s okay, Sammy. I’m sor…” Dean started, but then stopped at the glare Sam gave him. “Okay, okay,” a smile cracked at Dean’s lips and, nodding, Sam smiled back.

“So,” Dean took a big breath, and started to talk. He answered Sam’s questions and skimmed over most of it, knowing that Sam was aware that Dean was glossing over things and leaving a lot out, but Sam didn’t need to know the gritty details. It wasn’t going to change anything. And there was a big part of Dean that was scared that Sam would never look at him the same again. That he’d be disgusted or ashamed of Dean now. But the cabin had been as bad as it ever got, and Sam had seen Dean and the clear signs of what John had done to him, and so far, aside from being more careful and over protective, Sam wasn’t treating him differently or looking at him like he was weak and disgusting.

Once again, Dean cursed at himself for letting John get to him and believing him when he said everyone would treat Dean differently and blame him if they knew. Of course, but  _ of course,  _ John was lying out of his ass, yet why was Dean still so surprised? 

Hours later, Dean was all talked out and emotionally wrecked. Sam didn’t look much better.

“Thank you for telling me Dean.” Sam said. His face was a picture of anguish at all that his brother had suffered through. Sam could easily read between the lines of what Dean told him and didn’t tell him. He’d deduced that John had taken Sam’s constant fighting with him out on Dean, and Sam was devastated. It seemed the more Dean skipped over certain times as he retold their past from his perspective were the times he was hurt the worst. Like Flagstaff, and when Sam left for Stanford; Dean said very little, other than mentioning going to the hospital. Sam’s imagination was all too eager to fill in the blanks, and he wasn’t entirely sure if his imagination wasn’t worse than whatever actually happened. 

He thought back to how much he would sneer and complain that Dean was daddy’s blunt little instrument and yes man and whatever else his teenage self would thoughtlessly throw at Dean. Now knowing everything, he saw that Dean’s blind obedience was all a result of deep seated fear and trained conditioning. How was Sam ever going to make it up to Dean? 

“Sam, whatever that big brain of yours is thinking, stop. You can’t blame yourself either,” Dean said. He scooted his chair closer and put his arms around Sam’s shoulder, rubbing his back to bring him out of his thoughts. 

Of course, Dean would know exactly what Sam was thinking, Sam thought with a warm feeling. “It was dad’s and mine, because, man, I really fucked up a lot, but it was never your fault,” Dean said, once again reverting back to taking the blame, and Sam had to hold in a sob because Dean saying it was his fault and  
_  
believing  
_  
it was just… it was heartbreaking, and he realized that it was not going to be a quick fix to get Dean out of that mindset. 

“Dean—” Sam was prepared to explain all the reasons Dean’s couldn’t  _ —shouldn’t— _ take any of the blame, when Dean held up his hand.

“Sam, I'm exhausted and I don’t want to talk about this anymore. Alright?”

The moment Sam nodded, Dean relaxed, finishing one of the beers Cas had dropped off for them along with some food. 

“I’m going to go see what Cas is doing,” Dean said, and Sam nodded again. 

“You going to be okay?” Dean asked.

Sam nodded once more. “Yeah, Dean…  _ Really _ ,” Sam added at Dean’s skeptical look.

“Okay, Sammy,” Dean said. Standing, he stretched and made his way to go into the other room when he paused.

“Wait… why were you sleeping in the car, anyway?” Dean inquired.

“Oh, it got really hot in the room,” Sam said. “The power went out and the air wasn’t working.” Sam paused as Dean blushed so hard; his entire chest, neck, and face turned bright red. “What?”

“Oh, sorry, um. That was Cas,” Dean said sheepishly.

Sam just stared at him at him for a few seconds before he realized what Dean meant. His face screwed up in disgust. “Gross, dude TMI. Why would you even tell me that — just, ugh,” he mock shuddered, dramatically just for the comedic effect, and was gratified to hear Dean laughing, even if at his cost. “Jerk!” He nonetheless tossed out, and was even more pleased with the ever present reply. 

“Bitch.”

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Triggers are discussing past abuse, some self harm (Dean punches a wall).


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone. Happy New Year! I sincerely hope 2021 is a better year than 2020 for everyone. 
> 
> Here are the last two chapters for you. This chapter was the original epilogue so it reads as such but I didn't want it to be confusing having two epilogues so I made it a chapter. 
> 
> The story crossed the 700 kudos mark and I'm thrilled. To date this is my most popular story, and it's been amazing. I have loved all the comments throughout the posting and I'm glad everyone seemed to enjoy it. Thank you all so very much!
> 
> A final thank you to AnotherWorld311 for beta'ing a large portion of the story and to MidnightSilver for their incredible art (see previous chapters for links).
> 
> I hope you enjoy some much needed fluff after the last heavy chapters. Nothing really triggering in this chapter.

Sam decided to head back to the motel after walking around for a couple of hours. He was thrilled Dean and Cas were together now, but sometimes feeling like a third wheel was too much and he needed to give them some space. Of course the overwhelming guilt he felt whenever he looked at Dean was taking its toll. The flash of relief on Dean’s face whenever Sam comes back from going somewhere on his own is a constant reminder of how many times Sam has walked away from his brother and just how much he had hurt him. But Dean being Dean keeps telling Sam it's in the past and he has forgiven him. 

Sam just wished he could forgive himself. 

Sam stepped into the elevator and pushed the button. Just as the doors were about to close a hand reached in and the doors opened back up and Sam swore to himself when Benny stepped into the elevator carrying a bag of groceries. 

Benny smirked when he saw Sam. “Hey chief.” He drawled and leaned back against the wall. 

Sam huffed in annoyance and after a few beats of uncomfortable silence he pointed his chin at the bag. “What’d you got there?” Sam asked.

Benny scowled. “Well it seems your brother has been grossly misled in the fact that Aunt Mimi’s,” Benny spat out the name like it tasted bad, “Has the best beignets. So I’m gonna make my famous Lafitte ones and show him what a beignet is supposed to taste like.” 

Sam’s eyebrows rose at the vampire's rant and couldn’t help the smile that quirked up his lips. “Okaaaay.” Sam said, putting his hands up in a woah gesture. 

“Does Dean know you're here?'' Sam asked as they stopped at yet another floor. I mean seriously it's bad enough he’s stuck in this elevator with Benny of all people but it seems like someone pushed the button for every floor. 

“Hmm hmm.” Benny answered. “Crowley brought me over and then Dean said, well…” Benny coughed catching himself from bitching again. “Anyway I went to the store.” 

Sam just nodded and glared as the door opened on the next floor and yet again there was no one there. He heard Benny chuckle and anger flared up in him. “Something funny?” Sam snarled. 

“Yeah chief you are.” Benny responded and Sam had to clench his fists to stop himself from hitting his stupid face. Benny looked at his hands and then quirked a brow at Sam, amusement still on his face.

“You know Dean never stopped talking about you in purgatory. I’m pretty sure I know everything there is to know about you — from what diapers you wore to when you had your first kiss.” Benny drawled out.  


Sam flushed in embarrassment. He was going to kill his brother Sam thought, but Benny just kept talking.

“But the one thing I never got from the countless stories was that you were such an enfant gâté.” Benny finished with a satisfied smile when Sam’s eyes flared and he took a step forward. He knew enough French to know Benny was calling him a child. 

“Shut up Benny!” Sam growled out. “You don’t know me.” 

“Well like I said I’m pretty sure I do.” Benny said with a smirk not at all intimated by Sam.

“Your point?” Sam said through gritted teeth forcing himself to relax because Dean would be very upset if he attacked Benny.

“My point.” Benny said. “Is that you have nothing to be jealous of kid. Dean’s my brother.” Benny said with an almost challenge to his voice and Sam once again clenched his fists. “But there isn’t anybody in the world that means more to him than you, not even that angel he finally got his head out of his ass about. So cool it.” Benny said slapping down on his shoulder as he exited the elevator that finally arrived on their floor. "Dean’s got more than enough love to go around, you here.” Benny said.

Feeling like the little kid Benny accused him of Sam just nodded, his opinion of the vamp rising slightly despite his ire. They rounded the corner of the hallway to the room when Sam heard Dean yell out. He pulled his gun out of his waistband and gestured for Benny to get behind him. 

“Hey chief I don’t think…” Benny started to say.

But Sam just shushed him. “Stay behind me!” Sam ordered and he raised his gun. Sam slipped the key card in quietly and at the sound of another shout from Dean, Sam pushed open the door violently and stepped into the room gun raised. 

Adrenaline was spiking and Sam’s fight response was on full alert and he swung into the room with his gun raised and came to an abrupt stop and his mind struggled to catch up with what he was seeing. Dean was standing at the table and there were pieces of some half chewed green and dough stuff in front of him and Dean’s face was scrunched up in disgust, which would be almost comical if Sam hadn’t been about to shoot whoever caused his brother to shout like that. The table was littered with little calzone like pie things and Death was sitting at the table looking at his brother with fondness. 

Dean’s gaze met Sam’s and when Dean saw the drawn gun he put his hands up. “Woah there Sam where’s the fire?” Dean asked his eyes slightly wide and his gaze flickering around the room trying to discern the threat Sam had seen.

“Well.., I.. You were yelling Dean.” Sam finished his voice petering out as red bloomed across his cheeks in embarrassment at overreacting, which turned into a scowl when Benny slapped his shoulder again while walking by. 

“I told you to wait.” Benny drawled.

“I.. uh.. What’s going on?” Sam asked as he put his gun back behind his back. 

Dean’s face contorted into a scowl of epic proportions. “He.” Dean said accusingly while pointing at Death. “Tried to poison me.” 

Sam felt his adrenaline spike again and he almost reached back for his gun before Death threw back his head and gave a full on belly laugh. Sam blinked at the sight. 

“It’s just spinach Dean.” Death said with another chortle when impossibly Dean’s face scrunched up even more. 

Sam bemused just stared unsure what to do or say when Death turned his dark gaze to him and smiled. “It’s like he’s never tasted a vegetable in his life.” Death groused and Sam couldn’t help but smile because that was so true. 

“You don’t know the half of it.” Sam said and Death nodded sagely.

“Ok you know what, enough! Here Sam these ones are all yours.” Dean said pushing the offending pie-like things in front of the empty chair next to him. 

“Um. So what is all this?” Sam said moving and taking a seat. He still felt uncomfortable being among Dean’s new family even though Dean bent over backwards to make sure Sam felt included. Sam knew it was his own guilt that kept him on the sidelines but it was hard to get by it. 

“Wimpy Skippies.” Death said and once again Sam blinked at such an absurd phrase coming out of the horseman’s mouth. 

“Sorry?” Sam asked and now it was Dean who threw his head back and laughed and Sam couldn’t help but smile at the sight. With everything that had happened seeing his brother laugh and smile like that was incredible and Sam looked at Death who nodded slightly like he knew what Sam was thinking and Sam gave him a smile back for the first time feeling more comfortable around the powerful being. 

Dean sat down. “Wimpy Slinky. cool name right?” Dean said.

Death huffed. “Wimpy Skippy Dean.'' He said and Sam got the feeling he had corrected Dean a few times already. 

“Wimpy delicious.” Dean replied and Death chuckled again. “Here try this one Dean.” Death said sliding another one over to him and Dean looked at it suspiciously. 

“No spinach this time.” Death promised and Dean still looked skeptical. “No vegetables at all Dean. This has sausage in addition to the pepperoni and cheese.” Death promised and Dean’s eyes lit up and he took a huge bite moaning in pleasure. 

Cas walked back in at the moment carrying a few beers and paused at the sound of Dean’s moan, his eyes going dark. Dean caught his gaze and they just stared.

A few uncomfortable moments later Sam coughed to break the spell.

The angel startled looking embarrassed. “My apologies.” He said with his head down and cheeks pink. Dean smirked and gave Cas a big kiss when the angel sat down next to him and practically plastered himself to Dean’s side as was the usual nowadays. 

“Oh man these are so good. Where are they from again?” Dean asked as he grabbed another and hesitated before Death nodded that it was clear of green stuff. 

“Rhode Island actually.” Death said and grabbed a few for himself.

“Save room for my beignets.” Benny called from the kitchen. 

Crowley popped back a few minutes after that with a couple of bottles of Craig.

A few hours later Dean patted his full stomach leaning heavily against Cas in his post food coma haze. Crowley was sprawled on the cough with one leg up, a half filled glass in his hands and sugar still dusting his lips. Sam and Benny were in a deep discussion about something or another, and Dean was glad Sam seemed more comfortable around everyone, especially Benny who had teased Sam a few times and Sam had just laughed it off instead of getting offended. Maybe there was hope for those two yet Dean thought. 

Castiel, his angel, was running his fingers through Dean’s hair, and Dean felt safe and happy. Despite the continued nightmares and the increasing presence of the Mark, Dean was so thankful to be surrounded by his family, the odd bunch that they were. 

Dean smiled at Death who stood up and wiped his hands a final time. “Well I must be getting back. I’m sure Tessa’s plotting ways to make you miserable as we speak.” Death said with a smile.

Dean grinned and shook his head. The reaper was a hard ass, but Dean knew that she was secretly happy that Death was taking time for himself now even if it left her holding down the fort. 

“Dean.” Death said his tone serious enough that everyone stopped talking and Dean sat up straighter. “Before I go I have something for you.” Death said reaching into his pocket. 

“Come on man you already brought all this food you don’t need…” Dean started to say but was interrupted. 

“Shut up Dean.” Death said without any heat and Dean smiled and he heard four snorts of amusement behind him. 

Death handed Dean a fancy box and a piece of paper with what looked like coordinates on it. 

“What’s this?” Dean said intrigued as he held the box and started to fiddle with it, finally sliding the front panel back and pulling out an ancient looking key. Dean held it up and looked at Death in question. 

“I made a promise to you when you died Dean.” Death said gravely and Dean swallowed hard, his stomach twisting when he thought of that awful void of a place he landed after John had killed him. Forcing the memories back Dean nodded. 

“What promise?” Sam asked his gaze going back and forth between Dean and Death. 

“He said he would help find a way to get rid of the Mark.” Dean said, his gaze going to his arm and feeling a pulse of power Dean squeezed it. 

“This key opens the door to the Men of Letters’ bunker, it contains every object, scroll, and spell collected by the order for over a thousand years under one roof. Death explained and Dean’s eyes widened in wonder and Crowley sat up at the mention of the Men of Letters. 

“I’ve been trying to find that place for decades.” Crowley said. 

“They were very secretive and were killed off in the 50s, by Abaddon actually.” Death said and Dean gasped. 

Cas took the key from him and turned it over. “Is this where she was getting all her magic from?” The angel asked handing the key to Sam to look at. 

“Yes. It took a bit but I managed to find where she had hidden the key.” Death explained. “It is considered to be the safest place on earth, warded against any evil ever created. I took the liberty of adjusting the wards to make sure you three could enter without any problem.” Death said his gaze flickering between Crowley, Benny and Castiel. 

“I’ll come back in a week or so and show you how to make further adjustments.” Death said looking now at Sam who was staring at the key — that big brain of his already working through possibilities. 

“Sam.” Dean said with a nudge and Sam looked up startled and Dean nodded to Death. 

Sam’s eyes jerked to the horseman. “Oh, sorry, uh, me?” Sam squeaked out, clearly still uncomfortable being the focus of Death’s attention, and Dean snorted in amusement which earned him a glare from Sam.

“Yes you Samuel.” Death said and he caught Dean’s gaze and winked before turning back to Sam who was caught between being pleased and nervous. 

“Dean.” Death said gravely. “You should find a cure there, I am almost certain of it.” Death explained.

Dean’s heart started to race and hope blossomed in his chest. Death would not say that unless he was very sure it was a very real possibility. Tears sprang to Dean’s eyes. “Thank you, but are you sure you want to give it to me and not someone you know, better?” Dean asked. 

“Dean!” Sam and Cas yelled. 

“C'mon guys this is huge.” Dean said.

Death shook his head, once again saddened by Dean’s opinion of himself. “No Dean there is no one better. The bunker and all its contents are yours.” Death reiterated. 

Dean stood up and walked around to Death. “Thank you.” Dean said sincerely and Death nodded. 

“Okay I must get going.” And then to Dean’s delight and everyone’s shock Death pulled Dean into a hug which Dean happily returned. 

They pulled apart and Death harrumphed once again seeming surprised at himself for once again doing such a human action. “I will see you soon my boy.” Death said and before Dean could respond he twisted his ring and disappeared. 

A few days later…..

Sam and Dean stared in awe at the library.

“Sammy I think we found the bat cave.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Note: I was trying to find an unusual food item that both Dean and Death would love and ended up giving a nod to my home state by choosing the Wimpy Skippy or better known as spinach pies. The official description is "spinach calzone with mozzarella, pepperoni, and black olives," but there are a ton of variations of fillings (I personally prefer the ones without spinach). They are found at almost every Italian bakery (of which there are a lot). 
> 
> I had trouble figuring out what Benny calls Sam in the elevator and after changing it several times settled on enfant gâté, which is French for spoiled child. Hopefully it works okay, I just really wanted to put in some interaction between Sam and Benny since Cas and Benny got to have their conversation. 
> 
> And isn't Death just awesome! I had to bring him back again.


	41. Chapter 41

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here we go, this is the last chapter and the second epilogue. It you want a nice fluffy drama free ending of imagining them finding the cure after locating the bunker and everything being okay, I would suggesting not reading this chapter and ending with the last one. 
> 
> This will end on a positive note but it will plant seeds, some pretty dark, to allow me to write timestamps. I want to further explore Dean's healing, what the Mark does to him and delve further into finding the cure and of course me being me I have to add in something dark and dramatic. 
> 
> We also have another awesome piece of art by MidnightSilver. 
> 
> Thank you all once again. Enjoy!

_EPILOGUE_

An undetermined amount of time later......

Sam sat around piles and piles of books, his eyes red and gritty and his neck and back sore from the strain of being hunched over trying to decipher the text in one of the more obscure and ancient tomes the bunker had. Frustrated at yet another useless book Sam slammed the book shut and knocked it to the floor. 

The loud sound caused Dean to jump in surprise and tense, his eyes going hard and predatory for just a second before he blinked and his eyes returned to normal — well normal for Dean nowadays. The Mark was getting harder and harder for Dean to control and it was taking a toll on him. While he was thinner than usual, he was almost solid muscle now; there were clear tension lines across his face; and his hands were almost always shaking slightly. 

It made Sam feel angry and despondent that they still hadn’t figured out how to get that Mark off Dean’s arm. Some really bad hunts had forced them to bring the First Blade out and after each use Dean’s control wavered more. Then there was that awful two week period that Sam was still mostly in the dark about, but since then Dean has been slipping fast. 

Sam thought back to that horrible time when Cas had been busy in heaven and Crowley had disappeared. Shaken but determined Dean had taken the First Blade and gone after him leaving Sam to do research and then he too promptly disappeared. Cas in the typical horror show fashion also left to find Dean and didn’t return. 

For two weeks Sam had been frantic and beside himself trying location spells, summonings and calling in favors from everyone he could, but there had been no trace of them. And Death popping in a few times looking more and more upset hadn’t helped matters. Then the three of them had reappeared. Sam still didn’t know what had happened only that Cain was now dead. 

The weeks that followed had been just as hellish as Dean had reverted back to the way he was after John and the cabin, Crowley had lost all his snark and became, for lack of a better description, clingy. He spent almost all his time at the bunker close to Dean and Cas. The burgeoning closeness between the demon and the angel, which had been weird enough to begin with, became much more pronounced. Cas had also looked spooked and never left Dean’s side. Then finally things had started to go back to normal. Crowley left for longer periods of time and started to sound like himself, Dean finally snapped out of the almost fugue-like state he was in and Cas started to relax and resumed taking care of his business in heaven again. But Dean’s control on the Mark had deteriorated in an alarming way and Sam knew their time to find a cure was running out. 

Rubbing at his eyes Sam saw a large glass with his favorite smoothie plopped down in front of him and Sam looked up in surprise having not even realized Dean had left the room. 

“Drink up Sammy.” Dean said with a pat on Sam’s shoulder and Sam didn’t miss the increased tremor that ran through Dean’s hands. 

“I’m gonna go hit the bags for a bit.” Dean said and Sam nodded trying not to show Dean how worried he was. 

Punching bags and sparring equipment had started filling up the already impressive gym in the bunker, and Dean was often found working out his aggressions to the point where fingers almost always ended up broken and a few times even his hands and feet, which to Sam’s amusement and Dean’s grumbling that no one was buying, Cas would then heal with tender kisses. 

A few hours later Sam squinted and his heart started to race and he had to wipe his palms on his jeans to get rid of the sweat because holy fuck he thinks he found something. 

“Cas!” Sam yelled and the angel appeared a second later. “Read this.” Sam demanded standing up to give the angel room. 

Cas read the text of the ancient tome they had discovered in a safe deep down on some sublevel of the bunker that after a rather harrowing experience had finally been opened by using Sam and Dean’s blood. Eyes wide with barely suppressed excitement Cas looked at Sam. 

“Where’s Dean?” Sam asked as he frantically grabbed up his notes and the book to show his brother. 

“He’s in the “Dean Cave” playing on Queenie with Crowley.” The angel said using air quotes and Sam snorted. It was really amusing how the angel was incapable of saying the Dean Cave without using air quotes and it made Sam chortle every time. Crowley just rolled his eyes but Dean would just look at his angel with this sappy smile and more often than not they would disappear for a few hours. It was sickening Sam thought although he couldn’t be happier for his brother. 

The Dean Cave had been a surprise. The three of them had returned from a hunt to find out that Crowley had converted a large empty room in the bunker into something from Dean’s dreams with a bar and a TV room and a gorgeous pool table that Dean nicknamed Queenie that even Sam had trouble staying away from. 

Crowley and Dean had shared a weird look and the demon had just shrugged and with a slight blush on his face said “It’s safer here. Just don’t …” Crowley started to say.

“I know, I know, not the room.” Dean had finished with a grin.

Sam and Cas rushed toward the room and Sam could hear Dean yelling at Crowley to use the damn pool cue and not his fingers to which Crowley just huffed. “My way works better.”

Ignoring the familiar argument Sam barreled into the room and plopped his notes and the book right on the pool table which caused Dean to frown but then Crowley read the text and his eyes widened in shock. All three looked up and stared at Dean.

“What?” Dean demanded looking nervous. 

Sam smiled wide, all soreness and tiredness forgotten. 

“We found it Dean.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there you have it. I have left a lot of opportunities for timestamps, which are just ideas in my head at this point so I'm not sure how fast I will post them. 
> 
> Thank you again everyone for enjoying this ride with me. You are all wonderful readers!


End file.
